xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 12 November :: 11.18pm
it's not his fault.
i just need to adjust.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 18 October :: 10.50pm
nothing seems real anymore.
i can't look at somebody without wondering what they're seeing...
or wondering if they're having problems, too.
and i can't look at myself in the mirror without having to stop and realize...
that it's me i'm looking at. and i'm actually living my life.
all of this is actually happening.
it seems so simple, but it's so hard for me to comprehend.
i can't be around someone,
without wondering if people can tell that i'm falling apart.
...am i falling apart? or do i just feel like i should be?
i tried so hard to help. i wanted things to get better.
i was affectionate and kind, and when that didn't work,
i screamed so loud that it hurt.
i said hateful things and harsh words. that needed to be said.
"tough love," i guess you call it.
i don't know what's happening.
i hate how i've lost grip.
i just want my life back.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 9 October :: 10.17pm
life is confusing.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 8 October :: 11.11pm
tonight.
i'm so attached it scares me.
for the first time in my life,
i am 100% sure that i am in love.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 27 September :: 2.09pm
things aren't getting better.
i kind of stopped caring.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 19 September :: 4.08pm
:: Music: the smiths- asleep
i just finished the perks of being a wallflower.
it touched my heart.
i believe it's the best book i've ever read.
i'm sad. not just because it was a sad book,
but because i'm done reading it.
and i can never read it again without knowing what's going to happen.
things got out of control with my family last night.
i cried myself to sleep,
and slept in until zack was at my house to pick me up for school this morning.
i don't know if that really matters.
...he is so sweet to me.
i don't want him to ever change.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 18 September :: 3.12pm
today makes it 6 months.
:]
i'm happy.
and sad.
...but mostly happy.
i'm reading the perks of being a wallflower.
it's good.
i miss carly.
and i love her alot,
even if she doesn't see that anymore.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 14 September :: 9.33pm
i would kill for a video ipod.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 8 September :: 2.45pm
i'm in computer apps.
and puffgames.com is one of the coolest websites i've ever been to.
:]
the guy who sits next to me has the coolest last name ever.
pevonka.
haha.
i miss being able to see zack whenever i want to.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 4 September :: 1.45pm
i feel like i don't have a family anymore.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 27 August :: 6.18pm
i fell farther every day this summer.
for the first time in my life, i'm in a real relationship,
with no distance or anything that could ruin it.
school starts back tomorrow.
i'm crying.
i'm stupid.
it's not like i'm never going to see him again.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 25 August :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: contemplative
if you really did love me more than anyone else in the world...
you wouldn't let a(n) asshole/douche bag/shit head/dick/jerk/mother fucker/wigger/pot head who thinks he's better than everybody else take you away from me.
and yes, i forgive you. people change, i understand that. people get caught up in things, i understand that as well. just as of now, i don't want you to think i'm going to sit around thinking things are how they used to be, or even okay. i'm sure they can be, eventually. when you're done letting that asshole treat you like shit and walk all over you.
i can't promise that when you're ready to be yourself again there will be some fucking gumdrop-fairy-unicorn land recovery.
(although there very likely could be, considering the kind of people we are.)
i still love you, carly. you'll always be my favourite person. you'll always be in my life. (there is no escaping me, mwahaha.) i'll always be able to come to you when i need you (unless you're with douche man.) and i hope you'll be able to come to me, too. i know you're sad. that's not you. carly is not a sad person. do what it takes to make yourself happy.
if it's staying with an asshole just so you have someone to hold on to, do that i guess.
but if it's breaking up with him and catching shit for it, deal with the shit. then get over it.
you only have one year left here, how do you want to spend it?
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 23 August :: 6.16pm
:: Mood: apathetic.
my mom tried to run over me yesterday.
i'm wondering why i don't care.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 16 August :: 1.50pm
yesterday scared me.
i felt... distance.
but as the night went on, it went away.
he never ceases to amaze me.
little things make me happy.
like his mom giving me cap erasers.
and bringing in his baby pictures.
i love him.
...
this is totally off subject.
but i'm looking out of my window at all the people zooming around in their boats...
it's prettier when the boats aren't there.
i want them to crash into eachother.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 15 August :: 12.33pm
my friend and i are trying to get our photos on jones soda bottles.
you could vote if you'd like, it would make me happy.
[mine.]
[mine.]
[mine.]
[aisha's]
[aisha's]
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