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2004 26 November :: 1.46 am
:: Music: My theme song
Turkey Day
Philippians; Philemon
"I thank my God every time I remember you....
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit."
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 24 November :: 11.42 am
Grace?
So that essay I had to write?
The one I decided to not do and went to sleep instead?
An extension was given.
I was excited. :p
But I promise these type of entries are a rarity. I'll keep my topics to really important stuff.
Like what I am thankful for (tomorrow's Thanksgiving after all :) )
At the dinner table my dad always initiates the tradition of going around the table, each person saying what they're most thankful for... and because friends and family are always the first and most common things said, (for due reason) ... we all try to say what we're thankful for in addition to them.
Sometimes, it may be harder to come up with something than you think.
This year, I'm thankful for grace.
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 22 November :: 10.50 pm
:: Mood: thankful
:: Music: Jars of Clay
In the words of my good friend Matt whom I miss:
"I need to stop getting myself down and just enjoy my life
because I am blessed and its uber-sweet!"
Really and truly!
2 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 8 November :: 4.38 pm
:: Mood: okay
>:o
Artist: Chris Rice
Song: Smile
"How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now
You're all I have, You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now
Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer
Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile
My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!
Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer
Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile"
I feel like He's mad at me. That I can't choose Him FIRST. And it's true, I started to give up... but I mustn't. :(
I'm miserable without Him, ... and with mediocrity.. and yet can't seem to REALLY PRESS ON. !
2 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
::
2004 3 November :: 10.21 pm
:: Mood: resolved/scared
"If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation." -O.C.
You know....
it's so easy to fall into the trap of self-pity.
Jesus is my Saviour, I am covered by His blood,
So be gone!, I say to this nasty cloud of despair and depression that I have been allowing to hang over my head, envelope me like a cloud, and sink me to my knees.
But yes, to my knees this cloud has brought me to,
and so my resolve remains and I must not give in...
I must keep going, until I am truly one with Jesus, and truly know Him and call Him Friend.
Wow, He is the one in who I must rely upon.
You know what's a relief?
He does not give up on us.
And He does not force us to obey Him:
" *IF* anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself..."
Luke 9:23
It's my choice to obey Him... yes, I am saved, so I know where I'm going to go... but how about while I'm here on earth? Will I truly live for Him and know Him NOW?
Yeah, it HURTS when He asks me to let go of a friend, and a friend leaves my life for the sake of spending time with Him (more on that later.)
I think this is a beautiful quote:
"But if I obey Jesus Christ in the seemingly small circumstances of life, they become pinholes through which I see the face of God. Then, when I stand face to face with God, I will discover that through my obedience thousands were blessed...If I obey Jesus Christ, the redemption of God will flow through me to the lives of others, because behind the deed of obedience is the reality of Almighty God."
-Oswald Chambers
Btw, I changed my profile, (the bio).
It is time to lay it all aside, each and every day. For Him.
1 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 23 October :: 10.49 pm
:: Music: Rainchild (Song #2)
You are Good...
The Lord is so good....
even in my self-pitying times when
I can't get myself to just sit and spend time with Him, or when my heart is not at rest
simply because I am not allowing myself to be satisfied in Him,
He still remains faithful, and His grace abounds.
These past two days, I was unbelievably grouchy, and intolerable and sad, and...
I TRIED offering each thing to the Lord and etc etc.
yes, I prayed,
yes, I was trying not to be so pouty and
grumpy and mean to those closest to me - but I just remained in a pit these past two days..
My heart was still so... sad.
>Must He send me some sort of "sign" in
order for me to be at peace? To shut my complaining up?
Forgive me, Lord
Perhaps one day I will get to the place where no matter what my circumstances and
no matter how alone I am in the world, I will still be at peace and live for Him.
Perhaps I will be able to be lonely
but still not blame others for my loneliness...
and instead of wishing for a friend, I would be satisfied with Him.
But I'm not there yet, and in the mean time I am blown away by His grace (I always will be)...
I don't understand why,
that He still sends me amazing friends when I least deserve them, (Rose, Becky, Brisa, Kelly, Renee, etc etc [I list them bc I talked to them today]) a family that tolerates me,
a scrap of rainbow in the sky,
....and air to breathe.
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 21 October :: 11.18 pm
:: Music: Tree63
Song: The Answer To The Question
**I'm growing tired of a mouth shut tight
when all I want to do is tell the whole world
about the Man sitting at the right hand of the One in Heaven
how could I sing about anything but Him**
He is the answer to the question
He is the cure for the infection
He is all He says He is
He is the ultimate reflection
of holiness and true perfection
He is all He says He is
-Tree63
2 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 17 October :: 9.52 pm
:: Music: Third Day Offerings 1
His Glory
So I'm sitting here in my room, trying to write an essay - it's all about this one major event in my life (bc that's what the assignment is - the experience essay)
and so the experience is just too complicated and emotional for me to actually sit and write about. so i'm making the whole thing a metaphor. except it's taking me so long to do! sigh.
a large part of the reason why it's taking me so long to write though, (besides the fact that i'm somewhat of a perfectionist)
is that i can't get my mind to stop thinking about this morning, and music, and God, etc.
I took a shower hoping it'd help to clear my mind, but it didn't. I had some tea, which also didn't work.
I don't think my mind will be clear until i say out loud, or publicly
my thanks to the Lord for His work and the song that was just recently written.
The way the song came together seems so right in my spirit, and i'm so thankful that He used me and others to write a song. It's really His song...
I thank You, Lord, for this song.
Part of the reason that I'm finding it so hard to concentrate is that it's been bugging me that I haven't thanked Him for it except in my own mind. So now I feel better.
Because the glory is His, and I've been struggling with focusing on myself and raising myself up. Meanwhile I should just be living a life in light of Him...
And it goes for things everything, from if I get song lyrics, or a picture like the one in the last entry,... or if I overcome a certain obstacle in my life, the glory is not mine. It should be His and is His,
And to fully explain myself, about the song -in short - over the past few weeks through the encouragement of my youth leader, me and a friend of mine (plus others) wrote a song that we'll be playing in front of my church two weeks from now. i'd love to go into detail, but now that my conscience is clean, I gotta get back to my essay.
2 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 15 October :: 5.09 pm
(I miss my long hair)
From left to right these are a few of the girls from my school swim team: Ashley, Michelle, Me, Shelley
after the section's meet.
I'm gonna miss the team...
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 14 October :: 5.02 pm
October 13th's Poem of the Day:
"Mediocrity in Love Rejected"
Give me more love, or more disdain;
The torrid or the frozen zone
Bring equal ease unto my pain;
The temperate affords me none:
Either extreme, of love or hate,
Is sweeter than a calm estate.
Give me a storm; if it be love,
Like Danae in that golden shower,
I swim in pleasure; if it prove
Disdain, that torrent will devour
My vulture hopes; and he's possessed
Of heaven that's but from hell released.
Then crown my joys, or cure my pain;
Give me more love, or more disdain.
-Thomas Carew
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 13 October :: 10.15 pm
Oh Jesus, how I need You.
"I need You, You're all I'm living for."
No matter where you're at, no matter what kind of person you are... you need Jesus.
I can clean up my life as much as possible, but still NEVER be fully clean and saved without my Saviour. I need Him so much, and there's nothing that can change that fact.
When things are all good, I still need Him. It's inevitable. I must cling to Him.
This way when things are going horribly bad, He is an "ever PRESENT help in times of trouble."
And as far as trying to clean up my life as much as possible- - if I see myself as responsible and moral, it's worthless, without God's Son. -
"God cannot put into me, the responsible moral person that I am, the nature that was in Jesus Christ unless I am aware of my need for it." -Oswald Chambers-
I can never become like Him unless I already know that I'm simply not like Him, without Him living inside of me.
I'm a little frustrated at myself... I know that I need the Lord, and oh how I want to follow Him; - just simply follow Him, and KNOW Him...
(Ref. Luke 9:61) "The person who says, 'Lord, I will follow You, but...," is the person who is intensely ready to go, but never goes...Once the call of God comes to you, start going and never stop." -Oswald Chambers-
And when I'm going, If something in me loses tenacity, or the care to go forward, it's like I have to say to myself, "No, you MUST care, Julie - now keep going forward."
Lord, won't You work in me even more? I'm desperate to know You. Am I desperate enough, so that I'll let go of everything that hinders me? What is it that hinders me? How can I know You more? Do You hear this prayer? I can plead my case - saying how I spend time with You every morning and night, talk to You like a child would, trust You, have faith in You (for where else can I go?)... if I stray from You, I have no peace... and yet how easy it is to stop caring about the choices I make! And why do I not feel like Your Holy Spirit is working in me so that I can change my ways and know You more?
Argh.
I will keep going. I want more passion, more and more of whatever the Lord has for me. I can't look back at this year with regret, letting opportunities slide by and being mediocre in my faith in Jesus. There's so much more, and even when it feels like I'm not moving forward, as if the Holy Spirit is not working in me, I'm not gonna give in to the lies that say I should just abandon the notion that I could possibly become more like Jesus, and know Him more. There's so much more, and now is NOT the time to be apathetic, or 'whatever' or 'some day, I'll start living for God...'
There, I'm done. This entry actually belongs in my written journal - the one that no one reads, except for the Lord. But oh well. Now ~you've~ seen some of my prayers.
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 21 September :: 10.54 pm
'I will sing of Your mercy, that leads me through valleys and sorrow, to rivers of joy.' ~joc
"This is a song that every once in a while you get these moments in life, where you're standing in a place - I guess you would call it a privilege, - you're able to look back at some of where you've been and see all the tragedies, and the victories, and
see how, for once they kind of make sense.
Even though it's not what we would have chosen. It's where we are now, and it's how we got here. And it's the most amazing view sometimes. It kind of strikes a chord, and hits our hearts and we realize - wow, my story is not my own. And I couldn't have written it this way. And it's a good thing there's Somebody else writing it,
because there's a lot more joy, and a lot more pain, and it's all worth it. ... That's what this is about."
-Jars of Clay; intro to song: 'Redemption'
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 20 September :: 5.07 pm
Autumnal Equinox
The Fall Equinox is tomorrow.
During this season and month - there are many of us who are still in denial that summer has passed.
Some of us are torn between missing the summer, and being glad that Fall is here.
Tomorrow we move into a time when the leaves actually start to change, and die and fall to the ground.
The summer prepared us for this, even though we still may not feel ready.
As for me, I spent my summer preparing... or should I say let God do some work, And as fall moves in, I can begin to see significant changes; new colors are being revealed; I can look up at the sky and see what an awesome Creator we have.
And as beauty is revealed, - that which is given to us by Him -
I am ready to let my will die. All of me, fallen on the ground for Him. I will offer the blessings He has given to me back up to Him.
...My wills will be torn: between wanting to stay in the summer season, and yet wanting to move forward.
But I will fight the good fight, so that when storms come, there is nothing of me.
And when the storms come, I will hibernate and rest in Him, no matter what the cost may be.
Let us see Your Glory, LORD.
~In loving memory of Mr. Merryman.
We will all miss him. I will miss him, and my heart and tears go out to everyone who was privileged to know him. I hope for rest for his family and friends, and I will be praying for you. Don't hesitate to ask me if you need anything, even a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. ~
2 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 16 July :: 4.15 pm
hey everyone.
i apologize, but i have no explanation as to why it's been so long since writing. maybe for another day.
for now, this is just to keep this updated at least;
with a picture for now.
maybe i'll want to write something after coming home from South Carolina.
love ya guys.
Peace.
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 9 June :: 9.43 am
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 9 June :: 9.39 am
Proverbs 27:6
5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love. (Or - 5 Open rebuke is better Than love carefully concealed.)
>>6Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 8 June :: 6.02 pm
just because; (here ya go lauren)...
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 7 June :: 9.34 pm
ah
barren land
by shane barnard
barren land can overflow with
life and fruit and fields that grow
in the barren land with labor and toil
planting seed and tilling soil
will stay the same, stay the same
but if for rain! but if for rain!
but if for rain to fall, irresistibly call
rain to cover me
but if for rain to heal, uncontrollably fill
the soil of eternity
and barren land will overflow with
life and fruit and fields that grow
Holy Spirit spur me to till
a once barren land so thirsty still
for living water, O God, sustains
so life and fruit and fields remain
lest they stay the same, stay the same
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 26 May :: 9.00 pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: Nichole Nordeman
Luke 7:40-47 ?
41"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,[4] and the other fifty. 42Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"
43Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."
"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.
47I tell you, her sins--and they are many--have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love.
>>But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love." <- ????
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 23 May :: 11.23 pm
if ~flowers~ weren't ~rained~ on, and the sun (Son) didn't shine through the clouds... what would be their source of life?...
3 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 21 May :: 11.28 pm
if you pick neither.. then what's your opinion? *(Make sure you choose your choice and THEN click vote.)
3 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 3 May :: 7.33 pm
quiet
..
When a change occurs in you,
it is not something you can prove;
something you can shout aloud if you choose so, yes.
because sometimes you are the only one who knows about it... yet it's so grand that you want to share it.. but unless others see it, there can be no way that they can possibly fully understand..
something you cannot convince them of with your words.
and i'm not saying that this is being said for anyone else, but just applying to me
and to be more straightforward:
yesterday, i experienced slight change.
and when i say slight, i mean slight. big for me, but slight in the eyes of others in the sense that i don't expect anyone to recognize it, anyone to know or ask about it.
i will not go and convince you, but rather just continue to live my life; to desire more change, and much much more rain.
to explain a little bit more for you, as a praise report..
there is a tentative, newfound quietness within my spirit, and moreso in my mind.
where i have been used to, and have come to expect accusations in my mind to be there throughout the day - as i prepared myself for them ... i found that there was none. there were no more.
many will not understand this, and others will lift up their eyes and smile, for this is something to thank God for answering me in.
i realize there is much to explain, and yet find that i can't do so, at least not yet, because there is a while to go.
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 28 April :: 9.18 pm
:: Music: Big Daddy Weave
(arina); Adieu & honor
(Arina)
~~~~~~~
let me go
to Cape Farewell
it is you who are sending me there
and I who willingly travel
all around the open sky is facing me
and it will no longer hold peace at a ransom
For the smell of RaiN is in the air
i hope that it is sweet,
Jesus, let it be sweet.
My being cannot contain the song
that grants temporary release
and continuing on
convinced to not look back
is a promise once fulfilled
and never forgotten.
so to Cape Farewell
I shall go
If that's where He means for me to be.
and so with rueful contentment to you
to you i say Adieu.
On to humble honor
on to where
I pray for you, I do.
Live for Him, I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Somehow, above the din of the battle I waged in the pit of my own private hell, I heard the promise of an abundance of rain." ~JAL
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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2004 22 April :: 11.50 pm
all i have time for tonight
"When we have a problem trusting, we don't need to brush up on the rules of how to trust; we need to get acquainted with the one we are trying to put our trust in."
Jesus..
2 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
::
2004 22 April :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Barbershop stuck in my head
this isn't quite finished...
"And hope, like nothing else in the world, inspires us and motivates us to keep going."
"Hope says don't just look with your eyes, look with your heart."
^^
we'll see how far this goes, but there's this book i've read by Nicole Johnson with a million wonderful quotes i'd like to use.. so every time i update i'll try to put one on somewhere in my entry... we'll see how far that goes.
anyway, i'm not quite sure why
but this thought came into my head and immediately i knew i wanted to write about it..
the difference between hope and expectations.
sometimes people tend to associate these two words as similar or related...
but i don't know, looking at them now i just get two totally different vibes for each word..
i may be wrong, but the word "expectation" just seems to be negative used in most lights.
and hope always seems to be much more positive.
they really are totally different things..
they are similar in that, you can expect something and when that expectation isn't met, there is disappointment, and probably a reluctance maybe to expect something from someone the "next time"
as well as hope - - you can hope for something to happen and when it doesn't you again get disappointed and are reluctant to hope again, because you don't want to be let down...
but hmm..
when you expect something from a person..
it means you are setting a standard. setting a standard to perhaps what you think they should do, or how you think they should be.
hope i believe is totally different. you can HOPE for a person to be a certain way.. but i don't think that there is a standard that goes along with it.
Romans 5
5Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
continued perhaps some other time..
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
::
2004 12 April :: 6.29 pm
:: Music: one of the songs from my 35 hours of random music on my pc
Pure Life practice in a few
alrite so i told myself for one reason or another that i wouldn't post this picture, maybe because i didn't want to hear any grief about it just in case. altho listen if you are uncomfortable with you being in a picture posted online (seriously bc i know some people can be/are) then just let me know and i'll take it down if there is one on here with you in it.
:) but i am posting just bc i want to.. plus i have nothing else to do at the moment (yeah right)
us being beautiful:
lol well i'm not going on to list names and i also am going to be kind and not make comments which i'm oh so tempted to do just for laughs. (like bobby you look like you're modeling lol. sorry had to say it.)
but anyway not everyone is in here so i guess that just means we'll have to take more.
i adore this group; even with all of our human - ness. ;} ( <-- that bracket represents my smirk btw bc there's nothing else that really does.
LATER - home from practice
-Song: Delirious? - Waiting for Summer-
i realize that on here i've just been posting pictures more than i have been writing... i admit that it's because i want this to stay updated yet like i said in my bio feelings are just too fickle for me to write them onto here and i'm being pretty stubborn about doing that.
each day - meaning hour by hour just goes by so quickly that all i want to do during those times just never gets done... not even really small pieces of it. meaning i don't get to write. (of course there's the normal activities too ) but i think that i get a lot more done of what i want to during the time i'm actually supposed to be sleeping.
anyway that all brings me to several points but i'm ending (sorry if abrupt) here.
6 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
::
2004 6 April :: 12.47 pm
yay for Delirious?
Another concert where i was blessed to be able to stand up in the front row, even when my ticket was for the back.
:]
if you want to see my other pictures of delirious?, let me know.
1 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
::
2004 24 March :: 4.09 pm
Emerald
Often times while going through a day i'll come across a word or something - - that for some reason or another stirs something in me. so i usually end up looking it up or researching it... and the result will be that it ends up symbolizing something to me, or it'll be a subject for a poem..
anyway, the point is that i'm going to be writing most of them onto here...
and here's the point where i imply that i'd love it for you to leave some comments/add to w.e. i end up putting ;)
emerald. my birthstone. (May). i recently just started loving the color.
i looked it up and found:
emerald: n. a mineral of great hardness, and, when transparent, of great beauty.
the part that got me, was, "..when transparent, of great beauty."
my normal habit right now would be to just leave it at that and have you figure out the rest of what's going on in my mind.
heh. i guess that would be the point..
lay it straight out.
perhaps, there is beauty that people will see as i become more transparent.
transparent, not in the sense that there is nothing there and i'm empty or shallow so that you can see through me...
but transparent when it's defined as this:
transparent: adj. easily understood or seen through (because of a lack of subtlety).
get the connection? (for those of you that know me at least - pure lifer's esp.) ;)
idk, i may not have explained something, and if not let me know - i don't mean it in a sarcastic way,
because sometimes i really am someone who doesn't say things directly without even realizing it... big deal
that might be changing, who knows.
not because i've been told to change, although it has been brought to my attention by friends,... and i've realized more that that's how i have been being, and it's just not fair to those around me, or myself. it'll take a little of bearing with me, bc its a habit.. enough said.
and briefly -
the new testament biblical word for emerald is "smaragdos" which means "live coal"
so i thought that was pretty cool too.
but i still like the transparent and beauty aspect of the jewel.
wait, i just got something else that's really cool, and it makes me like that definition of emeral even more. :
the other definition of transparent is:
adj. Admitting the passage of light.
:)
when i allow Jesus, the "light of the world" passage into my entirety, there lies the great beauty. :)
"when transparent, of great beauty." transparent means letting light in, so when i let him in, there is great beauty.
yes?
5 When you let Jesus in. |
.There is great beauty (leave a comment). |
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