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2004 6 April :: 1.07 am
still can't fall asleep...
i am being wieghed down
with each beat,these pounds of pressure
just keep building up
i know it's in there
but i keep choking it down
it's gutting me from the inside out
boucing around inside myself
with my silence i am digging my own grave
halla back |
::
2004 6 April :: 12.21 am
i pick up another heads up penny
just another unfulfilled wish to add to my
collection
yet, this one seems to shine brighter than
the rest
the copper screams promises
promises of another life
promises of happiness
this is my last hope
my last heads up
i have bent over too many times for a wish
my back is breaking,
and my heart is heavy
yet this penny screamed so loudly on the
pavement, that i couldn't resist
this is my last hope
my last heads up
So today, i was walking in the mall parking lot, and this old man with a cane happened to notice a penny on the ground and tried to bend down to pick it up. and i mean REALLY tried, but he just couldn't do it. So, i ran over and grabbed it for him. And i couldn't help but wonder, if he was getting it because he was still in that childish state of mind where he wishes...or if he was just another old jewish man picking up every penny he finds. well..that just got me thinking about pennies and it's late and i can't sleep.
halla back |
::
2004 6 April :: 12.10 am
:: Mood: discontent
argg...i hate being a girl! i was just trying to go to sleep, but i was wide awake, so i came online and did the myspace thing for a little bit.
well, i was looking something matt wrote emily(chicago), and it just sucked. he was talking really emo and wrote down some sappy lyrics saying they reminded him of her. i don't care that he's going out with her, and i am happy that we are the way we are now, it's less pressure and now i can just have fun hanging out with him w/o all the worrying about serious shit. and they've both had bad luck with relationships, so i wish em the best of luck. but it just sucks because he's never said anything like that to me. i mean, i wasn't like in love with the kid or anything like that... i liked him, and to be honest, it wasn't even THAT strong of a like- i never got butterflies or anything like that. he just played hard to get so well and i am not used to that sooo.....but it i'll admit, i wish he heard a song and it reminded him of me.
halla back |
::
2004 5 April :: 11.28 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Nirvana..... it's one of the days that you kinda have to
As we trudge along through the mud
And we tried to call it home
But we weren't alright, not at all
Not for one, for one, for one second
Never have
been one to write it down
Now I think I can
I know I'm stronger now
Who's looking south
Not me I'm not looking back
I'm done denying the truth to anyone
Cause I'm alive
As we trudge along through the mud
And we tried to call it home
But we weren't alright, not at all
Not for one, for one, for one second
You showed me how
You seemed to find a hole
But I just laughed and smiled
Begged and rolled my eyes
Even cried
And denied the truth to you
Just like the truth to me
Mostly lied
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
White it out
(like) glittering
wax butterflies
~the used
i didn't get home till after one last night. i had to lie to my rents about so much this weekend i know i'm goign to loose track of one of them and fuck up. oh well... it was good times:
~sunrises and sunsets at the ranch
~waking up to smell the salt at the bay
~getting to see a zebra
~buying my mommy a present at the art
festival
~going shot for shot with lauren (i won)
~realizing that matt and i are better as
friends
~listening to the entire first album of
matchbox 20 on the way to sebastian with
Panjo- the only guy who <3's them too.
halla back |
::
2004 4 April :: 3.35 pm
:: Mood: drained
So i have been wondering why Matt was so distant towards me recently, and i found out yesturday. remember that girl from chicago that came down to visit? i was bummed, but i knew she was only down for a week so what's the worst thaat could happen.... WELL...as of three days ago...they're going out. i guess he is goign to try the long distance relationship thing. but here's the wierd thing...i don't care. and i'm not just saying that..i really don't. i was already starting to realize that i didn't want anything serious with him because he isn't really the type of guy i could do that with... or maybe he is but i never saw his emo side b/c he never really liked me all that much. that's the only thing that bothers me. the fact that for the past two months he never really liked me...only in that "this is fun sorta way"... not that "this girl is awesome and i really like her" sorta way. maybe i am just the moron for believing that he could have.
but now that i know...he doesn't have to worry about leading me on any more, so we are cool. he's just fun to hang out with.
three of the 12 that are on this trip were just sent to the hospital... great way to end a relaxing weekend get-away huh? they were on this beastly cart, and the driver (muffy), lost control and went through a barbed wite fence, and they were all thrown out. one of them, broke his collar bone and the side of his face is all cut up. muffy has some deeper cuts on her neck- they say she needs stitches, but i don't think they were that deep. the other two aren't too bad, a few cuts here and there. i don't know
halla back |
::
2004 2 April :: 3.42 pm
What? People in Iraq don't like us? Why, I mean, we've done SOO much for them. Take over thier turf and kill hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people.
I work at a newstand, so of course I seenewspapers every day. yesturdays breaking news, was how there were american bodies hanging form a bridge in Iraq. some lady came into my work and saw the cover and called them animals. well, what does that make us?
Bush sent troops over there to help rebuild and save their country. RIGHT..... it had everything to dowith oil, and yet our gas prices are record highs. if he cares so much about helping out other countries, then where the hell was he when all that shit was goign down in Haiti? ohhh right, there's no money over there..so he doesn't care. Hundreds of dead women and children were being found over tehre, and he only sends twenty men to guard our embassy. i would feel damn useless going off to fight for a cause and then standing behind a gate watching terror rain on the other side.
did you know that in the last few months, over 200 american soldiers have committed suicide in iraq because our beloved president keeps promising them that they'll be home soon...and yet..... in june he is sending even more out.
halla back |
::
2004 1 April :: 1.08 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: story of the year
i feel like i have a broken wing. and i want someone, anyone just to pick me up and mend it back.
i have too much baggage. all these memories i wish could just fade away. but i try so hard to forget them, that they end up consuming me. things are better now, but i just remember how they used to be and those memories hurt.
but whatever, it aint no thanggggg
1 halla |
halla back |
::
2004 31 March :: 11.09 pm
Today was interesting. I had it off, so i was kinda bummed that i had to go babysit, but how are you supposed to say no when the guy calls you and says his wife just had a nervous breakdown and needs to go to the hospital? exactly, i couldn't do it. seriously, i love those kids. i have been babysitting for this family for about 5 years now...i've watched the 2 and 1 year old grow up...since before they could hold thier own heads up. i would die for them.
i get a call from this kid brice today saying he has extra tickets to slipknot and that he'd give them to me if i bring other chicks (shows what kind of horny bass poop he is)..
even though he is kinda odd, i go...hey, free tickets. it was a bust, nobody was into it, everyone was just moping around, and brice was following me around, so i dipped before slipknot even went on... oh well, i couldn't have stayed anyway...(CURFEW).
lakehouse this weekend...can't wait to cuddle with a zebra. :)
i hung out with moody today...we used to be at each others hips. me her and heather, never apart. but we've grown apart a lot this year. it was good to hang out with her tonight.
halla back |
::
2004 31 March :: 12.04 am
You don't make me smile any more. I am giving up on the hope that you will.
halla back |
::
2004 30 March :: 1.02 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: outkast BIOTCH
my scale doesn't balance out...
I finsihed that book Stargirl...in it, the main character had a very good idea. What she did was she had a bowl on her windowcill with 20 stones. Everytime she was sad, she would take one out and lay it next to the bowl, if she was happy, she would put it in. It is to see how your emotions balance out.
I think i want to try this. But, not to sound all emo, but for some reason, i don't think i would have too many stones in my pot. I don't know why, but lately i havn't been all with it. I just keep getting so many little let downs, and they jsut keep adding up. I need something to happen, something crazy and out there. I need some more fun times. i need to meet someone new, someone who brings out my fun side...i don't know. if anyone has any exhilarating ideas...halla back
1 halla |
halla back |
::
2004 29 March :: 11.15 pm
i just finished reading this book called "the five people you meet in heaven"...VERY GOOD. i suggest it to anyone. it is about how heaven isn't a place where you go and chill out after you die, instead you meet five people and the explain your life to you. they are people you may have never even met at all, but they greatly impacted your life w/o you knowing it..or the oposite.
it is cool because it says how everyone is connected somehow, which is true. i finished that one and just started this book today called "star girl"...this book is even better. i am almost done...(i know bookworm!). it's about this incredible odd new girl in a school and how this kid falls hard for her. nice teenage book.
i think it would be so cool to have a day where i have the time to jsut curl up on my bed and read for hours. i used to do this when i was younger and didn't have a life. now it is jsut so hard to find time to read with work and school and having friends and all. i have read HUNDREDS of books, literally about 150 this summer alone0 i'm a huge dork.
i think the cutest thing ever would be to lay in bed with my cutie of the time and just read with him. i know it sounds lame, but i love those small little things.
halla back |
::
2004 29 March :: 1.45 pm
:: Music: matchbox 20...
i am sitting here holding bacon...what a cutie. he makes the cutest noises.....he is starting to chill out a little bit and isn't as jumpy..which is good.
today is one of those overcast rainy days. and i love it. i love days like this. everything is just so chill, nobody is in a rush AND everyone seems to drive normally for a day.
i have work at two....:( oh well, i can't complain i am broke. i bought my prom tickets today.i am excited...i never get all dolled up. it will be nice to get my hiar and toes done and cake on the make-up. i want to have one of those moments where my date looks up at me and is just like "DAMN" and decides that i look insanly hot. you know, like in She's All That.
Matt is my date, but if he has a show, obviously he can't be. or maybe there is a way to do both, like if they don't play until later we can do my thing and leave early. which i wouldn't mind at all, last year i left after not even two hours, it's not all that much fun. the limo bus and hotel were more fun...even though i dropped my date off at home on the way to the hotel-ASSHOLE. but yeah, it would suck if he can't go, but i can just call up someone like ryan or tom and be like...yo bitch, you're going to prom (and no, you're not getting laid). lol. well, off to work..later
halla back |
::
2004 28 March :: 1.35 am
:: Music: Massive Mother may eye
Really want some love.
Hey-This is Panjo,Yes Panjo,currently the lead singer of simplekill.i said that cuz we're a huge mtv band.I'm prettyyy drunk and i wanted to write in her hip livejournal .Why you ask?i have no idea , but she cleaned Jons rug in her Thong and Bra and i must admit i got a semi hardon.not a full on hardon cuz i didn't see any bending over, i most enjoyed when she turned around - i must say that was my fav part of the wholeee thingggg. I haven't drank in a lonnnng time and i'm fucking wasted. This bitch doesn't shut up about _____,non stop talking about ______,i thought she had a personality,but all she is a sarcastic clut bunnny from mars.
I'm wearing a really really big t-shirt,a silver chair t-shirt.
i needa drink some more so i can try and convince Stephanie to give me a blow job while Jon watches.
Stephanies awsome
Everyone wants t oblow her cuz she's a rock star.
I'm typing a Novel...a novel in may...
Sleep sleep sleep sleep
more green apple.
1 halla |
halla back |
::
2004 28 March :: 12.47 am
i am hanging out at jons house fixin to get drizzzunkkkkk. i'm here with him and panjo. we decided that tonight is the night for me to vacum in my underwear....it's funny, i am usually so timid, hardly any of my friends have even seen me in a swim suit..and then tonight i'm in a thong and bra. hmm and only one guy has ever seen my butt, haha this is odd. what the fuck am i thinking? i don't know, they're just fun, and i know it's not a sexual thing for them b/c i'm just a friend...not a chick they want to "hit it" with.
matt.....you're missing out.
1 halla |
halla back |
::
2004 27 March :: 12.54 pm
as always...you wake up the next morning and you are calm and nothing seems half as bad as the night before.
i understnad COMPLETELY how he must have been freaked last night. it's not that big of a deal, i can live with it. all i want is to talk to him and just say how i felt. but the ass is probably still sleeping next to Chicago right now so he won't answer his phone.
2 hallas |
halla back |
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