Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person.

:: 2004 5 December :: 12.13am

Everyone needs to cry once in a while.

I told him the truth tonight. By the look on his face, I knew it was the right thing to say after debating it all night. I'm happy he knows what he means to me and how much of a difference he has made, to me, and to everyone. I think he knew, but he wasn't quite certain. He told me it meant a lot to him that I told him that. It meant a lot to me, too, to be able to tell him that.

The cast party was a very sad event. Everyone was crying.
We will never forget this. We could never forget this. I never realized how much this had meant to me until tonight. I'm so happy that I was a part of it all. I'm so happy that I was wanted.

michelle

:: 2004 4 December :: 10.58am
:: Mood: cold

Happy Birthday to me. I'm seventeen now.

I don't feel much different. Well, maybe a little gray, from all the stage make up that has been applied to my face in the last two days.

If you haven't seen SCROOGE yet, you should go tonight. Last time to see it, folks. It's really a wonderful play, ask anyone that's gone.

Tickets are $7 at the door. Show starts at 7pm. Get there early, word is that tonight is going to sell out.

I'm celebrating my birthday tomorrow, because I have the play tonight, so really, it doesn't seem like my birthday.

I have one more year until I'm 18. That seems really old to me.

Time to leave the past behind, and look for what is in store in the future. My day has been going very good already. My mom bought me a dozen roses. They're beautiful. Tonight after the play Jessie and I are going to get shakes at arby's. Then I have the cast party.

It's been a long week, but the best is finally here, and being with everyone is what has helped me through it.

michelle

Upchuck

:: 2004 3 December :: 1.58am

Okay Andy, how does this sound:

Saturday December 4
SKELLETONES
Cold Plymouth, Midnight Radio, I Must Have, Vigilantes.

That's all I've got so far. $3 cover.

spud	:: 2004 2 December :: 3.06pm :: Music: merry merry merry chrisBAH! yep. can't remember what i was going to write about anymore... CLICK! 2 comments \| critique me

:: 2004 1 December :: 10.37pm

Andy's list of facts have clued me into one important thing about guys like us. Our innoncence is not of our own choosing. If we had a choice, we would most likely wish to be engaged in all levels of debauchery. But some how, some where inside of us is this innate need to be the way we are. And it is annoying as all hell.

:: 2004 30 November :: 5.14pm

So, now I have this over arching sense that everything is going to be alright. Am I still pissed off? Well, yeah. But it's inside now and not such an issue. Everytime I think about it I don't want to cry. So I guess that's good. Whether she comes back to me or not is something I've thought about, but I really shouldn't. Only time will tell, and that is her perogative. Like I said, I'm still pissed off, but at least I know now that everything will be okay.

:: 2004 30 November :: 4.37pm

Granny Wendy~!

Who is your ideal partner in the wizarding world? by Silvikins
Name
Sex
Colour
Partner
Percentage of getting together: 80%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

3 comments | critique me

:: 2004 30 November :: 12.10pm

I am such a selfish bitch.

5 comments | critique me

:: 2004 29 November :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: depressed

At play practice I was very hyper. Now I've crashed into oblivion.

Good night.

:: 2004 29 November :: 7.57pm

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. She made me the way she doesn't want me to be now. She made me that way. Did I go to church before her? No. I was ready to do just about anything before she came along. And then she came along and encouraged me to be the way I am. And now she says she doesn't want that. Or rather that I can't be in that part of her life because I'm not that kind of person. She doesn't realize that I hate this part of me. I hate the part of me that is scared to ever do anything. To be honest, I can't understand why people do. perfectly normal people talk about it all the time and it doesn't seem to effect them. Why can't I be like that? Why am I internalizing this? I don't know. It's because that is what i do. I have to get this out before I start writing because it really sucks that I feel this way. I still don't know if I could ever take her back after what she said. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

:: 2004 28 November :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: crying
:: Music: "Tuesday's Gone" Lynyrd Skynyrd

ugh
So, I guess it all did matter, except for the fact that she loved me. Oh how I wished that that were enough. But it wasn't. It wasn't enough for her. Five months, let's pull the handle, flush, there it goes. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that her life turns on a dime like that. I hate that she's classified me in her life like she's somehow superior that she can do that. I hate it. I hugged her and I started crying like I'm crying now. It wasn't enough for her. It's never going to be enough for her.

:: 2004 24 November :: 5.08pm

It's snowing outside.

It was a very eventful drive home this afternoon from play practice. I rear ended a guy at 17 mile road and white creek at the stop light, because, well, my car wouldn't stop. Everything is fine now, though. He just looked at his car, nothing happened because i hit him going like 10 miles an hour, and he drove off, and i drove home going 25 miles an hour.

What a wonderful day.

:: 2004 22 November :: 3.56pm

i think i've finally made some personal progress on the katie front.

i'm still working out the details, but i was *snigger - praying about it last night, in my ... distinct manner, and felt a lot better about stuff. i got some real closure.

talking with dad this weekend helped a lot. and that song of solomon got me thinking about stuff. i'm still not sold on some of it, but some of it works. either way, i feel better now. let's hope the trend continues.

:: 2004 22 November :: 3.42pm

Traverse City
this weekend was great. their new house is so cool.

got the car fixed a couple weeks ago. it's hott again.

urm. got accepted to tech, but don't plan to go.

also sent my app to peabody conservatory. auditions in february.

i need to check up on CMU still. not sure where my paperwork stands on that.

and U of M. their website is FUBAR, so... i don't know. i guess i'll keep trying with that.

and then harvard yet. i really don't know about that one.

oh shit. i forgot about that. i have SAT II testing in like 2 weeks. fuck me in the ass!

oh well, whatever. i don't plan on retaking. i'll just go and do the best i can. as always.

i really don't get that. like, when i think about testing, i get really nervous. but when it actually happens, i don't really think or feel anything. i just kinda go on robot mode. it's weird.

well. i'll see you kidz lata!
rather, ILYTL!

3 comments | critique me

:: 2004 22 November :: 12.15pm
:: Mood: blah

I'm sick, and I'm in modern business, and I just typed a paragraph at 109 words per minute.

I want to go to bed.

I should have never done what I did. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. But you know, now that I did, it's not going to matter, and it's just gonna be bad, and god, why am I so stupid? I knew if I just held on for a little while, it would all be fine, and maybe it would be an out, but no. Now theres nothing.
Stupid stupid stupid me.

:: 2004 21 November :: 10.09am
:: Mood: curious

{the future of us all}

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a family and be a mother. I know it would be hard, but what is the purpose to all life? To create more life. That is the lasting legacy. Not to mention, getting there is also fun.

Someday I want a house and a family and maybe a cute little dog. Not right now, of course, because i'm still young, I still have a lot of things to do with my life before then, but unlike a year ago, I can picture it all now, and that makes me happy.

:: 2004 19 November :: 10.17am
:: Mood: groggy

I'm sick today (I once wrote a poem called that in fifth grade...I'm a freak)
So, I stayed home today, because, lets just say, last night wasn't the most pleasant nights. I have the stomach flu or something of that sorts. It's very, uncomfortable.

I took off all my make up a few minutes ago, and now I look like a little twelve year old. Always fun, is it not?

Today is Rueben and I's 6 months. That seems like a really long time, it's half a year. It's the longest I've ever had a boyfriend. I don't even forsee this relationship being cut short anytime soon, no matter what anyone does, says, etc. I'm a very lucky girl. I think I can sum it all up in one quick equation:

Rueben = Very Good

I'm scheduled to work today, but I'm not sure if I'm going to. It's from 4-8:30. My luck, they'll put me on carts and I'll die. I already feel like I'm going to, so, I mean, what's the difference? And it's out of the question to ask NOT to be put on carts. In fact, if i did ask, then they would probably just put me out there for spite. They're all like that, you know.

We got our chair placements yesterday. I beat out 20 other flutes, and I am first chair. It's crazy how close it all was. I guess I got a perfect score on my sight reading - the best out of the whole band. I really don't understand how that could be, but I must underestimate myself.

Until we meet again.

Michelle

4 comments | critique me

:: 2004 17 November :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: calm

ONE thing made me happy today.
The FIRST thing all day.

Thank you, my dear.

but other than that the day sucked, starting at lunch, and ending, well, when i go to sleep.

The serpent never sleeps and is never far from pleasant dreams.

I've learned that by now.

:: 2004 16 November :: 4.54pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: "Hasta Nagila" (I hope I spelled that right)

Does the rules of the Computer Lab not state "NO CELLPHONES"?
Stupid people.

I reviewed my entries from this time last year, go ahead, look at them. Do the survey. Please!!!!! I am naked!!!!!! No, not really. Not that you'd look anyway.

Look, I'm coming up on that time last year when I fell for her hard. I'm glad I did. I'm glad we have what we have now. Despite the fact that I am turning my head. Despite the fact that I have seen her a whole total sum of 3 hours in the last three weeks. Despite my all encompassing desire to know her. Despite my efforts and my best laid plans (no pun intended). I still love her. The thought of that, for some reason makes me want to cry, it also won't let me type right. Are we better people for this? I'm not sure sometimes, but let's hope so.

:: 2004 16 November :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: none

none
Have you ever noticed that the word "none" is a combination of "no" and "one" without the extra "o"?

Believer to Believer, one has to wonder sometimes if this are just little tricks being played on us. That when we think things are as they should be, they really are not. When one thinks there is a purpose for a person in your life, and you embrace that, you making a grave mistake. Or maybe God's spectacular plan is just being played with by ignorant and stubborn human beings who are so selfish that they cannot possible comprehend the damage they are doing. Not only in their relationship with Him, but in their relationships with others.

:: 2004 16 November :: 11.52am
:: Mood: contemplative

You can Do anything, I know it, and you know it, and the day you find out how special you really are, you're going to leave me behind.
So, last weekend was quite, not good. I went to work Saturday at one in the afternoon for a four and a half hour shift. I was given the curbside beeper (when old people or people with too many groceries need help out to their cars, the cashiers press a button and I help them to their car and put there groceries in the car and such) and I there was this one really weird lady who kept her change in old cigarette packs and was really old and sad looking that i had to help out to her car. I did, because, well, that's my job. When we got out to her car, it was really gross, it was filled with stuff, and was all ratty and smelled like cigarettes. Then it happened. She started talking to me about her life, about how her son was having surgery, her daughter was murdered, her husband died a long time ago, and she was all alone, and she was afraid to go in her house, and the guy across the street with an alcoholic wife would bring her mail to her and in her words, "he grabs me and hurts me" and by now I was feeling really bad, but i had to get back inside because, well, i was working. I told her this, and she said, "I understand, you don't want to listen to a pain the ass like me" and when i tried to assure her that wasn't it, she started talking about how she wasn't even strong enough to wash her own hair, so when she comes to the store to be around people, they all look at her like she's nasty and such. By this point, I had stood there about twenty minutes. The whole time I was trying to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. The last thing she said to me before i walked away was, "I just wish they would have buried me in the coffin with my husband when he died". This did it for me. I was walking backing into the store and I burst into tears. I had to go ask Carolyn if i could go on break and I went in the bathroom and cried for my whole fifteen minute break. I cried for me, I cried for her, I cried because life shouldn't have to be like that. People shouldn't have to be scared about other people, or to be home alone, or to be alive. Especially someone who has lived that long. When I first saw her I made the assumption that she was one of those really nasty old ladies, but when she was crying in that car telling me all this, I felt ashamed that I could ever think that way about another human being. She was just as much of a person as I, and deserved as much respect. Probably even more.

Some people are not clean, or have good manners, or look "pretty" or act with the best of manners, but that doesn't mean that they aren't PEOPLE. They deserve a chance to be with us. If there is a problem that you can't stand, then you have the right not to be around them, but prejudgements only enforce isolation. It keeps you from learning about who you are, who you could be. What if you were that old lady, how would you feel? You had nothing left. Nothing, everyone you had ever loved or lived for was gone, and you were all alone, and couldn't even wash your own hair.

Would you talk to you?

4 comments | critique me

:: 2004 14 November :: 6.17pm

I'm so tired. I just want to fall away.

School tomorrow, and then the next day, and the next and the next...

does this torture ever end?

Oh, yeah, we die

I have to get off the internet so jessie can call me.

I want to tell her about my horrible weekend, perhaps i'll share it here sometime.

And rueben, call me tomorrow (monday) after 4:30 if you're home and you don't have to work, or get a hold of me somehow.
I love you.

-michelle-

:: 2004 13 November :: 10.46am

What is going on?

Why is all this happening?

Can't we all just be in little school again and have those kinds of problems, like going through puburty and being afraid to ask someone "out".

Gee whiz.

:: 2004 1 November :: 8.53pm

favourite food adventure
"i have a little walk from my covered wraparound porch to the boardwalk along the beach. the boardwalk is pretty well beaten down, and in disrepair. it doesnt really serve much purpose, or get much use. and those that use it like the rugged feel of the rotting wood beneath their feet. i find that it always gives me a sense of vitality that i can't get from much else."

that may have been one of the greatest things i've ever written.

"the view from the ridge is fantastic, and at any time of year, the breathtaking sunsets are enjoyed by myself and the few visitors that brave the trek from the main road and park.

it's soothing. quiet. gentle. i enjoy watching the clouds. and on cloudless days, i can spend hours staring at the sun."

:: 2004 1 November :: 7.10pm

http://www.michiganvw.org/gallery/displayimage.php?album=16&pos=65

oh jah, oh jah, babay!

too bad the mirth mobile is temporarily out of commission.

anyone know where i can get a techtonics motor mount?

and by anyone, i'm assuming beaver's the only person who would possibly read this and have any sort of clue.

but, given the response it got on mive, i don't anticipate anything more on here.

hope everyone's having fun.

i'm just tired. and behind again.

:: 2004 26 October :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Sweet Home Alabama" Lynyrd Skynyrd

I'm coming home. I'm just really sick of this place again.

spud	:: 2004 26 October :: 6.25pm i still want it. http://www.michiganvw.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=9537&highlight= 3 comments \| critique me

spud	:: 2004 25 October :: 8.20pm because seven ate nine! get it? apparently not. looks to be a fairly promising week. better than last week, at any rate. not that last week was bad. just too bizarre, and waay too busy. critique me

:: 2004 24 October :: 3.01pm
:: Mood: calm

I don't quite know what's reality anymore, I'm going back and forth, and it's really all quite confusing, I don't even know how to explain it.

School
Work
Band
Me
Rueben
Future
Now
Health

There are so many things that I think about sometimes, and they all just blend into one, and I don't want them to.

I just want to paint the world with my tears.