As suburban children we floated at night in swimming pools the temperature of blood; pools the color of Earth as seen from outer space, We would skinny dip, my friends and me. . . We would float and be naked- pretending to be embryos, pretending to be fetuses- all of us silent save for the hum of the pool filter. I think the price we paid for our golden life was an inability to fully believe in love; instead we gained an irony that scorched everything it touched. And I wonder if this irony is the price we paid for the loss of God. But then I must remind myself we are living creatures--we have religious impulses--we must --and yet into what cracks do these impulses flow in a world without religion? It is something I think about every day. Sometimes I think it is the only thing I should be thinking about. Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person. I seriously question the road my life has taken and I endlessly rehash the compromises I have made in my life. I have an unsecure and vaguely crappy job with an amoral corporation so that I don't have to worry about money. I put up with halfway relationships so as not to have to worry about loneliness. I have lost the ability to recapture the purer feelings of my younger years in exchange for a streamlined narrow-mindedness that I assumed would propel me to "the top." What a joke. Compromise is said to be the way of the world and yet I find myself feeling sick trying to accept what it has done to me:the little yellow pills, the lost sleep. But I don't think this is anything new in the world. This is not to say my life is bad. I know it isn't...but my life is not what I expected it might have been when I was younger. Maybe you yourself deal with this issue better than me. Maybe you have been lucky enough to never have inner voices question you about your own path--or maybe you answered the questioning and came out on the other side. I don't feel sorry for myself in any way. I am merely coming to grips with what I know the world is truly like. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and merge with the foggy world of dreams and not return to this, our real world. Sometimes I look back on my life and am surprised at the lack of kind things I have done. Sometimes I just feel that there must be another road that can be walked--away from this became--either against my will or by default. Now--here is my secret: I tell it to you with the openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love. -Douglas Coupland, Life After God

 

home | profile | guestbook


Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person.

recent entries | past entries


spud

:: 2007 12 January :: 2.38pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: led zeppelin

first week back on the horse. so far it's been a good ride.

i'm taking calculus, media production I, audio production I, speech, and weight training.

calc is cool. it's nice to have math again. too bad my prof is so dry.

media I should be cool, probably my hardest class. but i get to make movies, right. and my professor is pretty cool.

audio I is my favorite class ever. i'm seriously more excited about this class than i have been about anything before. flippin' sweet. and i'm taking it with my advisor, who happens to be my dad's friend from river city. it's totally awesome.

speech is going to be arduous, but my professor is nice. she's seriously a sweetie.

weight lifting is pretty much what you'd expect. again, cool prof.

that's about it.

i've gotten up at about 8:30 every day this week. and i have to get up at 8 tomorrow.

i'm sore, i'm tired, and i'm ready for a nap. but i don't get a nap. that's cool though. i made muffins. muffins fix everything.

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 12 January :: 12.03am
:: Mood: drunk

The world is spinning around me,
Or is it just my head,
Listening to foreign melodies,
Strangers in my bed.

So sad, so sorry,
You feel so bad for you,
I can't think about it all,
How deep is it through?

Approving all your friends,
Laughing loudly all,
Are we going to be caught,
I'm not responsible for the fall.

Making spontaneous shreeks,
Far into the midnight,
The train goes by,
We turn out the light.

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 11 January :: 10.06pm

What the fuck?

Proper questions, indeed.

The blue sky represents her newfound freedom, whereas the clouds that are covering it up are her grief.

Anyone?


2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 10 January :: 3.49pm

Second real day of classes. Literary analysis isn't so scary after all. I realized that I just have one of those profs that talks about whatever he wants, and there really isn't any logical succession of his thoughts. For a while I thought I was going crazy, but, in light of another class, it's just him.

My political science class is great. It's a huge lecture class, but the prof is great. For over an hour we had a debate about the what rights the Constitution gives to which branch of government pertaining to the Bush Administration's (and for that matter, many other administration's) invasion of foreign countries without an order or Declaration of War from Congress.

In a class of over one hundred and fifty, it gets quite roudy when you start talking about Iraq and namely Bush.

One girl asked, "Why are you guys being so mean to Bush? All I hear is people bashing him, why can't you say anything good about him?"

Then she admitted that didn't even know that there were never really weapons of mass destruction, and that she didn't know Sadaam had nothing to do with nine eleven.

It was all quite fun. I could have swam in the ignorance that was in that room.

Thankfully, there were a few who spoke out and had valid points. It was an hour well spent.

Presidential Address tonight, don't miss it.

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 9 January :: 6.40pm

I finally got my internet working, or shall I say, RUEBEN got my internet working.

Second semester of college is going...well so far. This semester is going to be a little bit harder than last, but I think I can deal with that.

And, the new roommates are better by far. No that the others weren't fun...they just had too much "fun" for me.

Updates are sure to come often. Beware.

1 comment | critique me


spud

:: 2007 3 January :: 7.29pm
:: Mood: relaxed

last night

interesting.

pretty fucked up. but in a good way.

?

4 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 2 January :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: cheerful

I'm chemically relaxing my hair right now to make it just a little bit more straight. It burns a little. I'm use to it though, I've been doing it for four years.

Anyway, I worked my usual eight hours today. People really are getting more unintelligent and annoying everyday. I'm too fed up with them to give any examples anymore.

Perhaps some mau playing tonight, but not positive. All I know is that my hair is going to have a certain odor, and I'm ready for some fun.

It's going to be some night.

5 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 31 December :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: blah

Just hours after my last entry, I was no longer enjoying my fresh cut pineapple. It seems it decided to make war on my anatomy. It was quite difficult for me because I have an intense fear of throwing up. It was like Michelle fear-factor all day yesterday.

I feel a lot better today, but solid foods are still a don't. I didn't go to work yesterday, but I'm well enough for my five hour shift tonight.

I'm ready for a new year.

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 30 December :: 12.30am
:: Mood: calm

Random
I worked until eleven thirty tonight, and then I came home and enjoyed my fresh-cut pineapple while I perused the Post. It was most enjoyable.

I spent last night with Jessie, Rueben, and Zack. We sat around for a while, and then decided we had to go do something. So, we went to Arby's and played mau.

I got called into work yesterday. I only stayed for three hours so that I won't get overtime this week. It's a good thing I don't have a life. Work has been my life for the past two weeks. I leave again on the seventh.

"So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray, to be only your's I pray, to be only yours I know now, you're my only hope."

I'm busy collecting quotations on the internet to make some notebooks. I'm excited, but I forgot to buy packing tape to finish them.

"You're the only one who, drives me kicking and screaming through fast dreams, and you're the only one who knows exactly what i mean...i hope you can forgive me for that time when i put my hand between your legs and said it was small, cause it's really not at all."

I've decided that my favorite punctuation is a bracket [not quite a parenthesis, but still subtle and giving a little extra].

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, chinese food makes me sick and I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer...you come from Georgia where the peaches grow, drink lemonade and speak real slow."

"Here in this diary I write you visions of my summer, it was the best I ever had, there were choruses and sing a longs, all the nights we stayed up talking...and quoting lines from all those movies that we loved, it still brings a smile to my face. I guess when it come down to it, being grown up isn't as fun as growing up."

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 27 December :: 3.53pm

The exciting news is that I smell really good.
The not so exciting news is that I have to work in an hour.

Christmas, was it real, or but a dream?

New Years: What's going on, where's the party at? Who with?

All of these questions!! I need answers!!

Michelle

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 25 December :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: cynical

Merry Christmas, everyone. A day filled with socially retarded cousins, fattening food, and ackward gift-giving.

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 24 December :: 1.07am
:: Mood: aggravated

The worst day of my entire freaking life.
Today. Work. Horrible. Cry. I worked from three to midnight. It was suppose to be eleven thirty, but people are douche bags and shop at meijer and leave shit in places it doesn't belong and then I have to sort it from millions of shopping carts before I can go home the whole while telling everyone that approaches the service desk, "I'm sorry, we're closed for the night."

"You close? I thought you were open twenty four hours."

"The store, not the desk. We close at eleven."

They glance at the clock which reads [insert time between 11:01 and midnight].

"Well, could you still do this [return, price adjustment, exchange, sale of lottery or tobacco, or listen to me bitch about something you can do nothing about].

"No, I'm sorry, we're closed."

And I turn around, continue sorting out candles that stink of peppermint, cheaply made Christmas ornaments, and ugly little sweaters made for dogs, and ignore them.

Michelle

2 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 22 December :: 10.59am

i'm kind of bothered by this grade problem

fixing the german thing would boost my semester GPA to about 2.8, and my cumulative to about 3.25. i would be okay with that. but right now they're sitting at 2.5 and 3.18 respectively, and i'm just not as cool with that.

i know it's pointless details, but i think it's a big enough deal to be concerned.

or maybe it's just the fact that i despise being lied to and taken advantage of. honestly, that's probably the lion share of it.

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 19 December :: 6.58pm

Official grades are in. 3.93.

It's pretty okay.

There's work tomorrow, and a dentist appointment. I'm getting metal in my head, again. Oh joyous.

Jessie is coming over later and we will commence gift giving. I am quite excited. No doubt.

3 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 19 December :: 12.02pm
:: Mood: pumped

final grades
sweet. apparently i kicked a little bit more ass than i was expecting:

i got a 99 on my image & sound final, and a B+ in the class.
i got a 96 on my media production modes final, and a B+ in the class.

in the not kicking so much ass:

i got a 79 on my german final and a B- in the class. i'm confused by a couple of her marks though... but even still, i did kinda flub on the exam.

i got an A on my honors final, no word yet on how i did overall, which can't be good.

anyway. that's all i've got. hope everyone else got satisfactory marks. and don't forget, it's up to you to determine what falls under the heading of "satisfactory".

Edit:

CFV 123: B+
CFV 124: B+
GER 201: C-
HNR 233: C
HNR 234: B-

German says C- and not B- like i was expecting.

i sent her an email immediately. i only hope it's not too late. aside from that, honors was a little better than i expected. i figured on Cs for both of them.

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 19 December :: 9.49am
:: Mood: content

So many things to do today. Give blood (which I am finally able to do since I was blacklisted), go to coffee with Jenny, and get a present for mother's birthday. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but it is.

I work tomorrow. And the next day, and the day after that. I work until I leave on the seventh.

I wrapped presents yesterday and realized that I still have more shopping to do. I wish I was still five and a macaroni card would do the trick. I like making things better, anyhow. I like being constructive.

The first thing I did this morning was wake up and play my flute. It was good.

Michelle

4 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 17 December :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: complacent

It's amazing that I don't update as much here as I do when I am at school. I blame that on two things : Having a life and friends here, and having a dial up connection that takes me five minutes to get to the woohu main page.

Christmas tree is up. Charlie Brown Christmas is on the telly. I've been bombarded by nonmusical Christmas songs for the past month. I baked cookies Friday. I went Christmas shopping yesterday. I wore my grandma snowman sweater the other day. And it still doesn't feel like Christmas. I guess it's just not one of those things you can't force.

I'm free until Wednesday. Get ahold of me and we'll romp.

Michelle

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 14 December :: 12.41pm

One more exam to go. Get car. Check out with RA. Drive home.

Jenny - Are you going to be at the middle school concert tonight? I am...you should come. If not, we need to get together this weekend!

Rueben - I probably won't answer my phone until I start driving home around three thirty.

Matt - I tried to call you last night, but it was busy.

Jessie - Feathers.

6 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 12 December :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I cleaned my room today. I took out two bags of trash from my side of the room alone. It was pretty crazy. Well, now I'm all packed up and ready to come home for some holiday fun! Call me, email me, send me poetry, I don't care, but get a hold of me if you want to hang out! I'll be back on Thursday, and then I leave again on January 7th (except this time, Rueben's coming with me!). It's all quite exciting.

I figured out that, if my English exam went well, I'll end up with all A's for the semester. Pretty good, I figured.

Ah, well, I miss you all, and hope to see you soon!

Michelle

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 12 December :: 12.28pm

Hannah Cotten got in an accident last night...

click here for more

4 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 11 December :: 11.35pm
:: Mood: existential
:: Music: classical piano

this music is seriously magical, in a way that nothing else is.

you can just get lost in it. lost only in your mind, maybe, but the music is the catalyst.

and it has been that way for hundreds of years.

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 11 December :: 7.18pm
:: Mood: cranky

Exam. Today. At eight a.m. I'm so tired.

It really wasn't an exam. It was extra credit for showing up and completing a survey about the class. We also got to listen to Woody Guthrie sing "This Land is Your Land."

Oh, and my professor read us "The Night Before Christmas."

I'm so glad the government is paying for part of my college.

My English exam was harsh. We'll see how I did. It unfortunately reminded me of AP lit with Mrs. Dolbee. I couldn't stop thinking "ample support."

Now I'm tired and I'm pretty sure I forgot to lock the dorm door. Oh well. I don't really have anything anyone can steal now, anyway.

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 10 December :: 5.47pm
:: Mood: contemplative

I'm procrastinating again. I've read over all of my English material, and now I need to go back and intensively anaylize and take notes with possible essay questions in mind.

I don't really want to. But I don't have anything else better to do.

Blah.

I'm sorry I take up your friends page, but I'm pretty sure that if I don't update on woohu every day, I'll go into withdrawl. Sometimes I don't have anything important to say, but I still update. I've updated more now, than ever, and I attribute that to 1. I have access to high speed internet day and night here and 2. I don't have much else better to do.

Loser.

The former Chilian dictator Pinochet died today. Ninety-one. After he overthrew the democracy of Chile, he did great things for his country. He kept them out of communism and the like, however, he had a blatant disregard for humanity. He maimed, tortured and killed thousands in the name of national security.

Why didn't the U.S. go after him? I'm not saying that it was wrong to prosecute (and mind you, NOT persecute) Sadam, but for all of you head strong, Pro-Bush Republicans, doesn't it make you think why the U.S. chose him to prosecute, and ONLY him?

Just wondering if anyone out there was still thinking.

Michelle

6 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 10 December :: 1.14pm

no matter what i do, i'm bound to have somebody pissed at me.

it has always been the case. i've posted about it before on here.

but you would think that after years of pissed off people i would have some sort of response.

i have none.

for sooth, bitches.

4 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 9 December :: 6.16pm

Another Post
SO BORED.

SOS.

SO BORED.

I think I might has witness the phenomenon know as 'the sun' today. However, it was only for a brief period of time.

Six more days, bitches. Six more days. Six more boring, heart renchingly stupid exam days before I come home.

SO BORED.

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 9 December :: 3.30pm
:: Music: Shankill Butchers - TD

A wicked wind will blow your ribbons from your curls
96 Works.
Including:
Three novels, One play, Many 'short' stories, Many poems, a Joyce.

My British Literature class is over and I was making a list of the works and the page numbers for the class so I could refer to them during the final on Monday. I'm a little intimidated, it's worth 25% of my grade.

Ah, well, I'm going to reread them all today and tomorrow, because, well, I haven't got much else to do. It's really quite boring up here on the weekends if you're not out getting trashed, or high, or raped, or going to church, or hit by cars, or getting put in jail, or vandalising homes, or, well, you get the point. The highlight of my evening last night was watching the guys across the hall get busted by the RA's, and then watching them down the rest of their alcohol in case the RA's came back.


No, Thank you, John

" I never said I loved you, John:
Why will you teaze me day by day,
And wax a weariness to think upon
With always "do" and "pray"?

You know I never loved you, John;
No fault of mine made me your toast:
Why will you haunt me with a face as wan
As shows an hour-old ghost?

I dare say Meg or Moll would take
Pity upon you, if you'd ask:
And pray don't remain single for my sake
Who can't perform that task.

I have no heart? - Perhaps I have not;
But then you're mad to take offence
That I don't give you what I have not got;
Use you own common sense.

Let bygones be bygones:
Don't call me false, who owed not to be true:
I'd rather answer "No" to fifty Johns
Than answer "Yes" to you.

Let's mar our pleasant days no more
Song-birds of passage, days of youth:
Catch at today, forget the days before
I'll wink at your untruth.

Let us strike hands as hearty friends;
No more, no less; and friendship's good:
Only don't keep in view ulterior ends,
And points not understood

In open treaty. Rise above
Quibbles and shuffling off and on:
Here's friendship for you if you like; but love, -
No, thank you, John."

-Christina Rossetti, 1862


critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 8 December :: 3.00pm

I hate TAIT. It's so stupid, and time consuming, and I hate it, hate it, hate it.

But, this is all that stands between me getting all A's for the semester.

I still hate it.

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 5 December :: 5.04pm

Jess (or anyone else), what was that play that we watched at Rob's house with you, me, him and Zack? Remember, the guy in the flesh colored speedo dancing around? We read it in AP lit, too. I think we should watch it again.

What play is that? I was just reminded of that for some reason.

3 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 4 December :: 5.54pm

It's cold as hell outside. Just got back from tromping in the snow and building hopping to avoid it. Last biology lab! It was pretty exciting. We had a group quiz, and no one but me knew how to do it.

Next week is exam week, and then I return on the fifteenth!

My mother sent me flowers today in honor of my birthday. It was pretty neat.

Michelle

3 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 3 December :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: high

Happy Birthday to me in less than two hours. Nineteen. Nothing too special, just another year fulfilled. I think I'm getting to that age where birthdays become less and less special, and that's sad.

Sorry, kids, no rantings or substantial writing tonight. I haven't got the brain power for it now. It's hard enough typing as it is.

Drive Safe.

4 comments | critique me

Woohu.com | Random Journal