As suburban children we floated at night in swimming pools the temperature of blood; pools the color of Earth as seen from outer space, We would skinny dip, my friends and me. . . We would float and be naked- pretending to be embryos, pretending to be fetuses- all of us silent save for the hum of the pool filter. I think the price we paid for our golden life was an inability to fully believe in love; instead we gained an irony that scorched everything it touched. And I wonder if this irony is the price we paid for the loss of God. But then I must remind myself we are living creatures--we have religious impulses--we must --and yet into what cracks do these impulses flow in a world without religion? It is something I think about every day. Sometimes I think it is the only thing I should be thinking about. Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person. I seriously question the road my life has taken and I endlessly rehash the compromises I have made in my life. I have an unsecure and vaguely crappy job with an amoral corporation so that I don't have to worry about money. I put up with halfway relationships so as not to have to worry about loneliness. I have lost the ability to recapture the purer feelings of my younger years in exchange for a streamlined narrow-mindedness that I assumed would propel me to "the top." What a joke. Compromise is said to be the way of the world and yet I find myself feeling sick trying to accept what it has done to me:the little yellow pills, the lost sleep. But I don't think this is anything new in the world. This is not to say my life is bad. I know it isn't...but my life is not what I expected it might have been when I was younger. Maybe you yourself deal with this issue better than me. Maybe you have been lucky enough to never have inner voices question you about your own path--or maybe you answered the questioning and came out on the other side. I don't feel sorry for myself in any way. I am merely coming to grips with what I know the world is truly like. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and merge with the foggy world of dreams and not return to this, our real world. Sometimes I look back on my life and am surprised at the lack of kind things I have done. Sometimes I just feel that there must be another road that can be walked--away from this became--either against my will or by default. Now--here is my secret: I tell it to you with the openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love. -Douglas Coupland, Life After God

 

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Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 20 September :: 10.11pm

I finally got done with my english paper. Who doesn't love Transcendentalism? Seriously.

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 20 September :: 2.28pm

I'm so tired. I feel like my head is so...confused. Perhaps it's just been from lack of sleep, although I've been getting eight hours a night. I really need to take a nap, but I can't for some reason.

It's horrible.

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 19 September :: 7.56pm

I am going to kill the piccolo player that sits next to me in U band.

I know how to play my fucking flute.

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spud

:: 2006 19 September :: 5.46pm
:: Music: simon and garfunkel

we're doing dinner with professor eick tonight. it's been a few months since i've seen him, so that's cool.

aside from that, i'm at college, doing college things.

like, my radio show.
and harry potter club.
and sociology (i.e. cross-dressing and writing journals and reading articles)
and psychology (i.e. thinking about thinking and writing journals and reading articles)
and german (i.e. schlafen)
and film (i.e. watching movies and writing journals and reading articles)
and radio plays
and trying to get a job
and having lots and lots of sex
and doing laundry

you know; college stuff.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 19 September :: 2.24pm

I can feel the wind cut through my sweater. That same sweater that seemed like last night, but so many nights ago, you gave me, to keep me warm. I recollect this moment not as a moment of passion, or love, or even burning desire, but of one of friendship, of caring, of compassion. The three of us went swimming together that night. I was so scared of the cold water. I'm not sure exactly why. My body was cold, but so was my soul. And underneath those stars, that night, my body was renewed in that water, with both of you, and I felt whole. I felt as if all the world was content. I was content. I was shivering from the cold midnight breeze, and I felt childish with the sand between my toes, but I was content. I was happy. That was how summers should be. That's how summer was.

michelle

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upchuck

:: 2006 19 September :: 10.23am

After spending a significant amount of time this morning reconnecting with my network (catching up on friends page and going to facebook), I realize how relatively important that all of this was to me nearly a year ago. I put my life back together online. I hate to admit it, but Mica and I would never had even started talking had I had to meet her in real life to begin with. And look how fantastically that has turned out.

But now, now my life on here does not seem so important. Maybe it's because I've fallen back into my old habits, as far as just using it to maintain knowledge of all of you. Yes, I do, I read, very detailed entries, so just remember that when you keep going on about things. But I really think the reason is that I have a life outside of this. I can keep up with my friends, but I don't need to be intimately involved anymore because I have a life outside of this. I wonder if there is any research on this as far as people retreating to the internet in times of depression or lonliness. Hmmmm.............

But anywho. I've decided to try an make this a long entry, just to punish you all.

Stress is starting to get to me, but I don't want to talk about it because I just have to get perspective on work. Once I do that and realize that they are not paying me enough to stress out over little things like the stuff I get upset about, I'll be fine. It's kind of like those nights that I used to come home from Monday night practice, extremely tired, but also still wound up from rehearsal. I used to fall into a half-sleep state where I was in a dream, but back on the field. Until I could actually get some good sleep I would have to convince myself in this dream state to put down my Tuba and lay down at the back of the field and fall asleep. Then I would be fine. It's just a matter of perspective.

I got a weird call last week. Thursday night at work my dad called me and said that he had gotten a rather strange phone call from a guy who was looking for a bass player. This guy was a completely stranger and he got my name from a guy that I haven't seen in about three years. Anyways, his bass player had quit on him and he had a party to play this weekend. He wanted me to come play with his band cold. I'd never met the guy, never played with anyone in his band. I didn't even know what kind of music they played. We talked a couple of times on the phone, he told me where the party was and I showed up. Kind of a weird circumstance. I've had weird things happen all because of music, but this was the strangest. We played, at the end of the second set (I didn't know many of their songs, and I faked it, some good others really bad), my amp started to cut out. They had to go get another amp for me to play through. I felt really bad. One of the things you don't wanted to happen when you're playing with a bunch of new people is for your equipment to not work. They got me another amp and by that time it was around 11:30pm. They, the rest of the guys in the band, had given up on playing anything that they had on their song list. WHich is good, because some of the stuff was a little complex, not the kind of music you want to play on the fly. So we tossed around ideas and started playing some of the simplest songs that they knew. That set ended up rocking. Up to that point I didn't really have a good feeling about the night. I started to think that maybe i was just out of it. I hadn't played in awhile, I might just have lost what I had. But I didn't. We played stuff that I knew and that was easy and we really fell into a groove. It was awesome. I haven't had that experience all summer. So it was a good time.

Okay, well now I think I've bored you enough with the mindless details of my life. So now that you've read all that pointless crap, I will say good bye.




Good Bye.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 18 September :: 1.29pm

When I grow up I'm going to be a teacher.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 17 September :: 7.24pm

Do you remember when we went camping and made criss cross potatoes in the Wok?

Do you remember when we learned how to play Mau?

Do you remember how it was?

It was wonderful, wasn't it?

-michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 15 September :: 6.50pm
:: Mood: crappy

I miss my music terribly.
I'm in University band, of course, but it's not enough.
I feel so empty without it.
I don't think you could ever understand what I mean.

michelle

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 15 September :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Friday. Music to my ears.

I only had one class today, but eh...I stil had to get up for it. I'm feeling a little under the weather. I hope I'm not getting too sick.

I'm coming home next weekend. Since everyone loves me so much, I'm sure my schedule is going to be jam packed. Right.

If you want to hang out, leave me a comment and I'll make some time for you inbetween eating my parent's food and watching T.V from the couch.

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 13 September :: 11.33pm

Sitting here in a computer lab that won't accept my flash drive because it's too new, and the printers don't have any toner so I can't print my Speech.

Lovely.

I'm going to get a job. Yay for me.

I'm going to bed now. To sleep. I like sleep. I love lamp. And the Romantics, they, well, they love nature.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 12 September :: 5.26pm
:: Mood: crazy

I just got done eating dinner. They have some really good clam chowder here!

I've resigned myself to the fact, that yes, I actually do have to get a job-and soon.

It's so foggy out right now. I couldn't even see the towers from the library, and it's only like a quarter of a mile away.

We had some roommate bonding time last night. We sat in a circle in the bedroom with Korn blasting drinking out of some red solo cups.

I was just going to write something, and then I got distracted by the Macs in the corner, and now I can't remember what it was. But to be sure, it was an ingenious, witty observation.

My memory is starting to get the best of me.

Stop smokin'?

What do you think?

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 11 September :: 10.42am

I MADE A LINK!

you have no idea how fricken excited I am.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 11 September :: 10.36am



Tell Me What You Think Of Me

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m&ms487

:: 2006 11 September :: 9.54am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: She's Got Freckles

Wheatland
Wheatland was amazing. There were so many people having a good time. I even saw my CPS 100 professor there. It was Krazy.


I loved all the music. I loved all of the people. I loved being so mellow.

I especially loved the Greek pizza.
And I loved it not being the salt, too.

Everything will be okay now. I really needed that time. I'll be okay, and you'll be okay.

I can't wait until Red Flannel!

-michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 7 September :: 7.29pm

Ah, I'm done with school for the week. I'm leaving early tomorrow morning to go to Wheatland with Rueben and his family. I'm not sure exactly how that's all going to be.

I'm doing my laundry right now, a much needed task, since I haven't done in the two weeks since I've been here.

michelle

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 6 September :: 9.55am

I hate receiveable accounting. They are stupid. They are mean. I hate them.

They suck.

They are stupid, stupid, stupid.

:(

They charged me for not paying my tuition, which, I did, on Friday.

They suck.

3 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 5 September :: 4.47pm
:: Music: Tool - Lateralus

MERDE!

der Universität ist sehr schwer! sehr viel, sehr groß hausaufgabe immer!!!

aber ... ich will leben. ich weiss das.

und meine wohnung hat ein geschirrspülemachine. das ist sehr toll!

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 5 September :: 2.33pm

I just realized that I've had my journal here for four and a half years. That's crazy. I grew up here, with woohu. I could never thank Gunny enough for giving me this journal, as I'm sure many of you feel the same.

From eighth grade to Central, I've changed so much, just as the rest of us have.

I just thought I'd take a moment to reflect on that, since so much has happened these past four and half years that make me really amazed that I can go back and remember who and how I use to be.

I'm glad I'm here with all of you. I'm glad I'm still here, and you're here, and we all still can stay caught up.

Thank you Gunny!

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 5 September :: 2.28pm

I want to know everything in the entire world.
I want to meet everyone in the entire world.
Most of all, I want to feel everything I am able to feel.

Step out of the darkness,
And into the light.
The brightness may blind you,
But the chance is worthwhile.

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 4 September :: 8.33pm
:: Mood: calm

happy labor day.

mine was/is.

except they closed the cafeteria this weekend.

jackasses.

:)

the moths are fliting around the light-so close to a death that they cannot resist.

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 1 September :: 1.01pm

So, last night my roommates came home drunk, again. They opened the fridge and all of their beers crashed on the floor, making a loud noise. Then the RA's came in and looked around, and needless to say, although i wasn't drinking, i got my name taken.

This is my roommates' second offense in a week. They got an illegal drug violation the first night they were here. My other roommate is moving out due to finances, so i figure I'll be living alone here in a couple weeks. You get three violations and you are done at CMU. heh.

Anyway, told the parents so if they got a call they would know what's going on. It's all good. Hopefully. The worst thing that is going to happen is that I'll get a 150 dollar fine, which I'm not going to pay for because I didn't do anything. Whatever.

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 31 August :: 1.07pm
:: Mood: contemplative

So pretty much just chillin here in the library for a while. My next class is at three (my biology lecture). I really love this library. It's pretty neat.


When I woke up this morning, there was a guy sleeping on my living room floor. It was one of my roommates friends, but they had already left for class, Hollie and I just locked him in when we left.

Whatever.

The two of them (my two roommates) polished off eight beers last night. I showed them how to open them (they were glass bottles) on the edge of the desk.

I wonder what their livers are going to look like in twenty years.
it's pretty cool, i guess.

-michelle

6 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 30 August :: 3.25pm
:: Mood: pensive

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!


-Paul Dunbar

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 30 August :: 2.58pm

Okay, I have all my financial shit figured out. Right now I owe about two hundred dollars-which I can totally deal with. Whew!

Well, I believe I'm going to be in my hall government, so next year i can be a RA and get free room and board.

Lovely.

Michelle

[edit] And I only had to wait for an hour and fourty minutes in line!

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m&ms487

:: 2006 30 August :: 10.38am
:: Mood: aggravated

Ugh.

i have to figure out all of this financial shit today.

The financial aid office is stupid, stupid, stupid.

They need to actually apply my financial aid to my account so i can take classes. Hmm, that's a new idea right there.

But, I have to go over and talk to them before my english class at noon.

Blah.

michelle

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spud

:: 2006 29 August :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: tired

BK2SKOOL

that's really kind of an interesting contradiction... the fact that they can't spell "back to school" anymore.

anyway, i'm back, and school is where i'm at.

i live here:
10266 Laker Lane
Allendale, MI 49401

mail me things that won't explode or set off a metal detector. the anthrax i'll deal with.

good to see everyone's still alive. and i figured it was high time i asserted my own continued existence.

but i'm tired. and i have lots of homework already. and i'm trying to clean. and it's just not working out. but school is fun dammit. i'm busy this weekend. why do i do this to myself?

goodnight.

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 28 August :: 10.16am

Plan B is now available without a prescription.


How did that ever happen with a Republican President? To tell you the truth, I don't care. I'm just glad it's happened.

3 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 28 August :: 10.03am
:: Mood: envious

I just had my first class- computers and society. It's a huge lecture class with about 250 people in it.

I feel so sheltered here sometimes. In the library the book shelves move along a track so they can be squished together or moved, to allow for more books in less space. I just found it so cool, considering the cedar library is about the size of my dorm room. Just little things like that make me feel like I was cheated out of some things growing up in cedar.

I'm getting along a little better with everyone. It is known in the towers that my floor is the party floor. As soon as the elevator doors open you can feel the bass. You can't really hear the bass (it's too loud), but you can defineately feel it. Our RA is cool too. He pretty much told us that he doesn't care what we do, as long as we don't drink in the dorm. A bunch of us were in the hallway Saturday night, defineatly not sober, talking to him. I made a sign and put it on his door that says,

" I want to be the little man who turns the light on and off in the fridge."

I do good work.

Next, I have my English class at noon. I'm actually excited about that, and hopefully everything goes well, considering English is most likely going to be my major.

When I was reading Jane Eyre in the study room yesterday, I met a really nice guy who lives down the hall. There are some cool people here at Central.

-Michelle

5 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 25 August :: 12.04pm
:: Mood: impressed

So, here at CMU now. Good fun. I'm in the library with Jackie.

I'm going to have to get use to all of this, I'm so tired from all the walking I've done already today.

I miss everyone already!

I have an ensemble audition on Tuesday! Classes start monday. I've gotten all of my books and things like that. It's quite exciting.

More to come, though, not as frequent as i might have hoped: until classes start i have to walk all the way to the library to update. I'm starting to hate moving. :)

michelle

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