As suburban children we floated at night in swimming pools the temperature of blood; pools the color of Earth as seen from outer space, We would skinny dip, my friends and me. . . We would float and be naked- pretending to be embryos, pretending to be fetuses- all of us silent save for the hum of the pool filter. I think the price we paid for our golden life was an inability to fully believe in love; instead we gained an irony that scorched everything it touched. And I wonder if this irony is the price we paid for the loss of God. But then I must remind myself we are living creatures--we have religious impulses--we must --and yet into what cracks do these impulses flow in a world without religion? It is something I think about every day. Sometimes I think it is the only thing I should be thinking about. Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person. I seriously question the road my life has taken and I endlessly rehash the compromises I have made in my life. I have an unsecure and vaguely crappy job with an amoral corporation so that I don't have to worry about money. I put up with halfway relationships so as not to have to worry about loneliness. I have lost the ability to recapture the purer feelings of my younger years in exchange for a streamlined narrow-mindedness that I assumed would propel me to "the top." What a joke. Compromise is said to be the way of the world and yet I find myself feeling sick trying to accept what it has done to me:the little yellow pills, the lost sleep. But I don't think this is anything new in the world. This is not to say my life is bad. I know it isn't...but my life is not what I expected it might have been when I was younger. Maybe you yourself deal with this issue better than me. Maybe you have been lucky enough to never have inner voices question you about your own path--or maybe you answered the questioning and came out on the other side. I don't feel sorry for myself in any way. I am merely coming to grips with what I know the world is truly like. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and merge with the foggy world of dreams and not return to this, our real world. Sometimes I look back on my life and am surprised at the lack of kind things I have done. Sometimes I just feel that there must be another road that can be walked--away from this became--either against my will or by default. Now--here is my secret: I tell it to you with the openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love. -Douglas Coupland, Life After God

 

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Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person.

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spud

:: 2006 16 July :: 12.42am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: genesis

big book

i started feeling better today while i was at work. i just made the realization that i needed to let go of the physical. there's just so much more than that. i lied when i said i wanted to cum more than anything. i really didn't care. i just knew she wanted me to. and i love her. to death. and whatever she wants. i mean, the physical cannot be ignored, but there's so much beyond that. i was getting too caught up in it.

i also had the opportunity of a nice talk over dinner tonight with dad, since kevin fucking ditched on me.

it's interesting hearing your own father say "i needed half a pint of vodka in me, just to bring myself to get up and go to work in the morning. and i didn't think that was a problem." and then to know that you can tell that very same man that you drink, and have him look right back in your eyes, smile, and tell you to do some research: look within yourself, within a book, within the world around you. no condemnation. no know-it-all bullshit. just honest help, with honest answers. that is truly love beyond anything i've ever been capable of providing.

i want that capacity. and i intend to make full use of it.

for now.

it's time for me to read this book. i can sleep in tomorrow.

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spud

:: 2006 15 July :: 1.18am
:: Mood: crappy

meh. i've run the emotional gamut in the last 12 hours or so. it's been interesting. nothing in particular happened to cause this. it just kind of did it on its own.

i know the feelings aren't true. i mean, they are real feelings, but they don't represent reality. but i can't just pretend the feelings don't exist. they obviously do. so, how do i strike that balance? tell me how.

i want to go swimming. i want to run away. even if there's nothing to run away from. just dissapear for like a week. not to escape my problems. they'll be waiting anxiously when i return. and that's fine. i just want some time alone without them first, that's all.

i wrote a horrible entry in opendiary. it just ran around in circles until i got tired. i don't know why i do this sometimes. perhaps it's a homeopathic remedy for paranoid psychosis. that would be nice. anything to stop me from freaking out anymore.

dad would say to pray about it.
mom would say to get medicine.
bruce would say to take a break, relax somehow. or just plow through it.

so, what would i say? i know i would say something. i just don't know what it is.

5 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 11 July :: 1.41am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving

i want to make music.

i want to write stories.

i want to be muscular.

i want to be athletic.

i want to be sweet.

i want to make girls swoon.

i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have.

i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself.

"chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare.

everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply.

so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose.

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spud

:: 2006 8 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: tired

scholarships.

for miss katie booms:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C1CA875D-DC52-0776-796A810F60FA6887

for me to remember:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C0B723DB-9B6D-A2E8-39506818EAC1A5C3

-------------------

working a lot. doing stuff. tomorrow's the last day of work this week. i'm seeing 'pirates' on sunday with lindsay, that should be super-fun times.

it was absolutely marvelous to have shannon come up this week. i had a great time, what little time there was. i'm looking forward to next week as well, but i feel bad that she has to drive up here two weeks in a row, and yet i'm too cheap to return the favor.

in other news, i have a stepmom. that's exciting. she's pretty cool. i'm pleased with the advancement. i'm really happy for her and dad.

3 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 30 June :: 3.36am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: me! (on drums)

et cetera

you know?

i don't. but i'm cool with that. there's much less pressure that way; less responsibility. i like not knowing. adds a sense of adventure.

i'm still alive, just in case anyone was getting worried. hung out with kevin. hung out with shannon. i've been working a lot, lifting weights a little, and stuff like that. i've been working with the digital recorder a little bit too. that thing is fun. i only wish i knew better how to work it. there is so much untapped potential there. but it works well enough for my purposes, for the moment.

i haven't been writing anything lately. i've been trying to keep up with my reading, but even that has been slow lately. the only cognitive thing i've done lately is i proofread a guy's doctoral thesis earlier tonight. for some reason it makes me feel alright knowing that even professors at U of M write bad papers sometimes. not that it was bad, but i mean, there were some mistakes, which i caught. i'm sure i also missed a lot. and i didn't do most of it. bruce did. he just asked me to finish what he hadn't done. he's a better writer anyway, so i'm glad he did it. not to mention, the whole thing was like forty pages.

two more days. then i get a breather again. sunday i'm dj-ing for grandpa and grandma best's fiftieth wedding anniversary. and tuesday i'm going over to kevin's. aside from that, i work. i'm working saturday, monday, wednesday, etc. this (and next) week. it's crazy talk. but i like the overtime. too bad i don't get holiday pay. those fuckers.

shit. it's time for bed. i keep forgetting things. it's bothering me. bed. right.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 29 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Going over to my grandparent's house always makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I never go and see them, and when I do I realize I should have instead of doing everything else I have been doing lately. I still encounter that 'perfection' thing, but I'm trying not to let that get to me. You know, the whole 'I have to be just like they want me to be, or else they won't want me anymore'.

My biggest fear in life is of confrontation that ends in abandonment.

I know they are all going to die pretty soon, and I'm going away, away to college. I'm going to miss the little they have left. At least, I always feel that way.

To all those who don't know, the admissions office at GVSU doesn't like me and wouldn't take me (even though i was accepted into their music program, their school, and I graduated sixth in my class with a fucking 3.96 gpa), so now I am going to CMU. My orientation day is July 21.

I'm not a little child anymore, but I still feel like I need to behave like one sometimes...ask permission, don't talk to strangers, eat my vegetables, and the like.

3 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 27 June :: 10.51am
:: Mood: awake

I dream of...

glow worms
rockstars
candy buttons
fancy cars

melodies
vibrant skies
starry nights
pecan pies

total darkness
extreme light
frigid waters
my lonely fight

sorrowful mothers
holding hands
perfect kisses
marching bands

moving music
shadows of night
green tall grass
famine and blight

beautiful sorrow
dramatic scenes
exquisite jewels
Alien Beings

Perfect ends
being close
never ending
Him the most

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2006 26 June :: 7.43pm

I've missed so many things already.

I don't have time for this, I don't have time, don't have time, don't have time.

There are children laughing outside. Is it wrong to want to shoot them?

5 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 25 June :: 10.44am
:: Mood: contemplative

Going camping the best break from here I could have had.

It was so wonderful and smokey smelling. And I think I came out unscathed, except for, perhaps, a small bug bite that is developing on my right foot. It's itchy.

I don't regret anything I have done. If I regret it, it's like exiling a part of me. Everything I have done is always going to be apart of me, whether I like it or not. We all have room for mistakes, and some fill that room sooner or more closely than others. But you only fill that room when you feel like something is a mistake. The door to my room hasn't been open in a while, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm not talking about petty mistakes, either. I'm talking about huge life changing, crying for days mistakes. I use to think everything was a mistake, that I was a mistake. I'm not sure exactly where I belong, but I know I'm not a mistake anymore, and whatever I do, and whereever I go, whoever I meet, I will be lucky to be there and do that, and talk to them, and see them, because I'm here, and by some will I can, and so I shall.

I suppose a lot of that does not make much sense to anyone but me. That's fine. You never understand sex in a trashy romance novel until you actually have sex. You just can't understand some things until you feel them, and even then, you still may not be certain of them exactly. Perhaps we find solace only in the end. Perhaps we never find solace. And that's okay with me.

"She told me son, fear is in the heart of love, so I never went back..."


lushness?

michelle

3 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 24 June :: 2.40am
:: Mood: yucky ::

:: damn family ::
so, i guess the shit is hitting the fan in a big way, like it hasn't done in four or five years. and that was when i was cutting myself and just all around being really stupid.

i know it may come as a shock, but i'm pretty sure that i'm still quite stupid. i realize that this is an unpopular perspective among my friends. but everyone loves an underdog, right? i just hope i don't lose my cool. i can feel it slipping. it has been happening for a few weeks now. i don't know what to do with it. i know shannon is already starting to feel the effects. i'm just worried.

apparently there's some court hearing scheduled. mom threatened to kick me out of the house, to which i responded, "tonight?". she didn't say anything. she just kind of looked at me like she thought i was being silly.

but as soon as she said that, in my head, i went into survival mode, you know? (hunter would have been proud) i was trying to figure out how best to smuggle clothes, food, possessions, and where they would be going. where i would be going. but it would be such a pain in the ass to have to change my mailing address. and you know a bunch of stuff would get messed up.

the problem is that the cell phone, the truck, and the mailing address, all belong to mom. none of them are mine. i merely use them, with permission (WP, if you will). if she takes the truck, the phone, the house, then i'm left with the mess to clean up. i'm half tempted just to do it. i mean, it would be a pain in the ass, no doubt. but i could really go for something a little more constant, you know? something where i wouldn't be worried about where i'm going to sleep the next night. and up until recently, such a place existed, right here.

part of me is really pissed, and just wants a normal family for once.

but i have to keep reminding myself, especially in times like these:
a normal family would be boring. and wouldn't that be horrible? boring! i quake in mundane angst at the thought of a boring existence with a boring family. < / s a r c a s m >

6 comments | critique me


upchuck

:: 2006 23 June :: 11.05am

So, I'm engaged.

5 comments | critique me


hwnchick

:: 2006 22 June :: 9.57pm

4 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 23 June :: 3.20am
:: Music: 311 - music

let's see. kevin spent the night last night, that was fun.

band practice yesterday was good. i've stopped expecting it to go anywhere, but that's alright. i just like being able to still play sometimes. i NEED that. they say to nurture your mind, body, and soul. well, to exaggerate just a smidgen, music is my soul.

shannon got a phone call, and so she called me late tonight, all choked up. i mean, it wasn't a big deal, and we're fine. but yet it was a big deal. hence the crying. the details aren't really important.

i was two minutes late to work today. they'll dock it from my check. but if i clocked in an hour early, you think they'd give me any credit? i just don't understand what their logic is. i mean, what will you do with an inexperienced, uneducated workforce, which has no incentive whatsoever to go above and beyond the bare minimum required to simply maintain their employement status. because, as long as you're not getting fired, you're getting paid the same, regardless of how hard you work.

shannon has a hedgehog, a beautiful personality, and a great sense of humor.

i have muscles, meager fundage, and a decent sense of humor.

i think that's enough. if not, then i'll be damned. i don't have much else to offer.

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed

It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.


Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.

There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.

What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.

But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.

michelle

critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 16 June :: 7.52am

Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.

I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.

michelle

2 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2006 14 June :: 1.16am
:: Mood: hungry

shannon-dance

so, weekend... let's see:

friday night i worked. saturday day i worked. saturday night i went fishing with bruce, after helping clean some stuff around the house. sunday morning, got up early and went fishing with bruce and libby. sunday afternoon, went to grandpa and grandma's for dad's birthday thing. he's 45 now. on my way from there, the truck crapped out on me, so i pulled into a parking lot, called dad up, and he gave me a ride to meijer to pick up a new spark plug, and also stayed to give me a hand turning wrenches for a bit. we also had a nice long talk about the visitation situation. i think it helped him to hear what i had to say about it.

sunday night, shannon came up and we went to dinner with mom and libby, then we rented 50 first dates, which i had never seen before. it was cute. monday morning, shannon took libby and i to the zoo. that was fun. then we grabbed lunch, went for a quick walk in the park, and then i had to go to work, and she had to go to the orthodontist.

that's basically what has happened since i last updated. fishing was fun. shannon was fun.

i might be working as a decoy for the michigan liquor commission. i scheduled an interview for next week. i thought it would be an interesting experience.

tomorrow i'm hopefully going to hook up with emily for a bit. it's been awhile. and i might go out to campus view to get the loan signed, and make the down payment. i hope it's less than $300, because that's all i'm bringing.

thursday i'm supposed to meet with aunt mollie and aunt maria and tour the riverboat on which i will be DJ-ing for grandpa and grandma's anniversary.

friday i'm hopefully going to be meeting up with one of my prospective roommates, for an early lunch. his name is kyle.

and that is me, for the moment.

6 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed

The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.

It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.

The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.

Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.


I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.

I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.

I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.


I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).

Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.

Or I could go to school.

Choices, Choices...

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore


-michelle

1 comment | critique me


spud

:: 2006 10 June :: 12.24am
:: Mood: drunk

okay, so i put drunk, but i'm really not that drunk. i just thought it was funny that gunnie put it on the list of options. and it might be good to note that funny and gunnie do indeed rhyme.

work was slow tonight. they had me sweeping floors and hauling dunage (empty carts and racks) most of the night. it was pretty lame. i'm still not sure what all they'll have me do for tomorrow, but i really don't care right now, and i'll be getting paid the big bucks to do it, so fuck.

it seemed to fit, okay? fucking shit. that's the thing that zach and i have going right now. it's like our inside joke or whatever... fucking shit. he invited me to fourth of july. i'm not sure if i'll go or not. i really want to see shannon. and i'm sure i'll see her before then.

she's really quite adorable, by the way. i was noticing that earlier, and i figured it would be nice to make mention of it. she's pretty damn cute. and i think i'll keep her.

so, mom opened the apple wine stuff. it's pretty good. it's carbonated. i'm not sure i'm a fan of the carbonation. but i like the tartness. that's different, and i like it. but that's not why i'm messed up right now. i took some more of that yukon jack stuff. it's really smooth. i like that too. it's sort of minty, like wintergreen flavor. and you'd never know its 100 proof....

okay, well, you might, by watching me. but aside from that, it's very inconspicuous.

ds;ljaf;dlkfja ;sdlkjf;alsdfj ad.

my fingers are rebelling again.

it's time for bed. i have to work in the morning.

fucking shit.

1 comment | critique me


spud

:: 2006 8 June :: 12.54am
:: Mood: chill
:: Music: brian bromberg - you know that feeling

how country are turnip greens?
i hate B-93. and i dislike a vast majority of country music. i just had to get that off of my chest.

something else i've had to get off my chest:
when i went to the snows' house saturday night, while shannon was babysitting, when i went to the bathroom, there was a sign on the mirror that said "J.O.Y."

it was an acronym, that said "jesus first, others second, yourself third". now, this really irked me. not because of putting others before yourself, i do that all the time. it's the only way to fly. but the problem i have, is with putting jesus before others. that's like... holy war, or some shit. now, i know that's not what they had in mind with the whole "joy" thing, but to me it just seemed ignorant. that jesus himself would likely want us to put others first, him second, and ourself third. or rather, that he was just another human. that he would include himself in the "others" and so, it would just be everyone else before you. that to me is what makes sense. putting jesus before others is just downright scary. i've seen it. not fun.

moving on, to a happier note, i bought some books and cds while i was down there, and i'm enjoying them very much. i'm not quite halfway through murder on the orient express yet. i'll let you know what i think of it, once i'm finished.

i proofread shannon's short story last night. i haven't heard back from her since i submitted my revisions.

and, inspired by her writing, and the rain and the thunder, and a conversation we had this past weekend, i began writing my own short story. which i'm sure will wind up being neither short, nor much of a story. but it'll be fun to write, i hope, anyway.

that's all for now. stuff to do. things to see. hours to sleep.

7 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.45am

So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused

So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.

I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.

I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.

I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.

I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.

I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 2 June :: 9.29pm

"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"


It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.

It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.

Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.

A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 31 May :: 3.49pm

You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.

Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.

It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.

I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.

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spud

:: 2006 31 May :: 12.49am
:: Music: my fan / the thunder

lightning in the southern sky

this weekend was too incredible to describe with words. so i won't bother. we went canoing, swimming, movie-ing, chilling, playing cards, driving, everything.

it was great. and i still can't belive the trip home. all the way from elk rapids to big rapids. my ears were ringing. jeez.

moving on,
it has been a very long time since i have had my hair in a ponytail. but after today at work, i think it is a necessity, given that my hair kept swinging down and dripping sweat all over my glasses and safety goggles.

that's all i have to say for now. i can't feel my fingers, and that makes typing difficult.

but it's been like a week, and i feel entitled. or something.

i wonder what time i'll get up tomorrow. i'm not going to set an alarm, i know that much.

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spud

:: 2006 25 May :: 12.57am
:: Mood: not bad. not anything.

lamb...

first off - funny quote of the day:

"skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
- dave barry

---------------------

okay. work was normal. i did stuff. theoretically got paid for it. life goes on.

i was overcome with this overwhelming desire to call shannon. and what made it more difficult is i know she would have wanted me to. but i had to make use of what little willpower i have, and say no. i will see her friday night. just repeat the mantra, i guess. i feel like i should channel that energy i get into something productive, though. like, when i want to call her and talk to her, i should do something else instead. like she did with my memory box, or something. but i'm not as creative like that, so i don't know. i'll have to come up with something. i suppose i could write. i would be writing a lot. i could keep a pad and pen in the truck though. but i usually have to be in a different mindset to write. i dunno. we'll give it a shot.

the reading thing has worked well in that regard, i suppose. which i've been continuing. i finished part one of lamb, and will now proceed to post up my favorite quotes:

"'i'm thinking of being a professional mourner. how hard can it be? tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.'
'his father is a stonemason,' joshua said. 'we may both learn that skill.' at my urging, my father had offered to take joshua on as an apprentice if joseph approved.
'or a shepherd,' i added quickly. 'being a shepherd seems easy. i went with kaliel last week to tend his flock. the law says that two must go with the flock to keep an abomination from happening. i can spot an abomination from fifty paces.'
maggie smiled. 'and did you prevent any abominations?'
'oh yes, i kept all of the abominations at bay while kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes.'
'biff,' joshua said gravely, 'that was the abomination you were supposed to prevent.'
'it was?'
'yes.'
'whoops. oh well, i think i would make an excellent mourner. do you know the words of any dirges, maggie? i'm going to need to learn some dirges.'"

::

"with the tip of his sword, justus guided my gaze to apollo's stone penis, which lay in the dirt next to the two corpses. 'and do you want to explain how that happened?'
'the pox?' i ventured.
'the pox can do that,' maggie said. 'can rot it right off.'
'how do you know that?' joshua asked her.
'just guessing. i'm sure glad that's all over.'
justus let his sword fall to his side with a sigh. 'go home. all of you. by order of gaius justus gallicus, under-commander of the sixth legieon, commander of the third and fourth centuries, under authority of emperor tiberius and the roman empire, you are all commanded to go home and perpetrate no weird shit until i have gotten well drunk and had several days to sleep it off.'"

::

"'we have to find out a couple of things before joshua starts being the messiah,' i said.
'like what?' john seemed as if he would start crying again.
'well, like where joshua left his destiny and whether or not he's allowed to, uh, have an abomination with a woman.'
'it's not an abomination if it's with a woman,' josh added.
'it's not?'
'nope. sheep, goats, pretty much any animal - it's an abomination. but with a woman, it's something totally different.'
'what about a woman and a goat, what's that?' asked john.
'that's five shekels in damascus,' i said. 'six if you want to help.'
joshua punched me in the shoulder.
'sorry, old joke.' i grinned. 'couldn't resist.'"

::

so, apparantly my favorite parts circle around the singing of dirges and bestiality.

that explains a lot.

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spud

:: 2006 24 May :: 12.11pm

notable mention:

i just had the shortest, most productive phone conversation with my mother, to date.

i thought that was noteworthy. aside from that, i've been reading again which is good. and i'm working. i suppose that's also good. it's looking like i'll have saturday off - keep your fingers crossed. shannon is coming down on friday. friday i have to go into the hiring agency office and sort some stuff out about my check. they shorted me 3 minutes. which, i mean, it's just three minutes. but on the other hand, there's no reason for me to have been shorted at all, and as a matter of principle, that's very aggravating.

and i've only gotten one receipt. i don't even know if i actually have the money yet. i need to go to the bank and check.

and the truck needs work. i don't have time, tools, or a place to do it.

i see not much has changed.

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m&ms487

:: 2006 21 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: apathetic

School is done.

Now I get to look forward to working. at meijer. at the service desk. for six an hour. bitches.

It was fun while it lasted, i guess.

Now i get to go to college, that's the scary part.

Mine and Rueben's two year anniversary was Friday. It seems like we've been together forever....
He got me flowers and last night we went out to eat and then we fell asleep together. I love falling asleep with him. It's the only time when I feel safe. I can curl up next to him and know he won't let anything hurt me. It's a wonderful feeling.

i miss band.

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spud

:: 2006 18 May :: 1.54pm
:: Mood: motivated

i cleaned up my room some.

i have to run to the bank, because bruce was complaining.

...

"is it cool to hit the sauce when you've got a bun in the oven?"

i need not say more.

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spud

:: 2006 17 May :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: headache : (
:: Music: muse - absolution

man, i really suck at first-person shooters. and apparently they give me headaches too.

so i'm done with those.

i miss my girly. i really hope she can come up this weekend.

i guess dad planned a skating party over at plainfield on sunday for libby's birthday.

i'm way too tired. far more than i should be.

and this headache stuff is bullshit.

i can't even think. not that i really could to begin with, but you know.

i work tomorrow. that's exciting.

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spud

:: 2006 14 May :: 2.44am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: the ladd mcintosh big band

mothers' day
well, i finished making mom's present. i just wound up doing what shannon said, since i figured mom would appreciate the creativity, and i didn't get to stop by the crafts store anytime this week.

and i had to ditch on kevin tonight. and i'll have to tomorrow as well, or, at the very least, postpone it until later in the evening, depending on how late we wind up staying at grandma's.

working saturdays sucks. especially when you're not getting paid overtime for it.

i assume i'll feel better about everything once i get my first check. which should be friday. so, less than a week and i'll be seeing a couple hundred bucks. that should shut me up some.

although, if i were working full time, like on my own-ness, life would suck. i'd have no friends. and i'd barely be scraping by. seriously. let's do the math a second:

$11 / hr.
40 hrs / wk.
= $440 gross/ wk. (= approx. $300 net)
$300 / wk.
52 wks. / yr.
= $15,600 / yr. INCOME

rent = $300 / mo.
utilities = $100 / mo.
food, etc. = $100 / wk.
= approx. $10,000 EXPENSES

= $5,600 miscellaneous expenses, savings, etc. / yr.

not to mention i'd be completely miserable. i personally don't know how dad does it. i mean, i just couldn't keep plugging away with that staring me in the face.

but in all truth, sometimes i don't see me keeping plugging away as the current situation sits either. i mean, i'm making maybe $6000 / yr. instead; and i have MORE expenses ($15,000 +) than i would if i weren't going to school, and the only thing i seem to have going for me is the fact that i'm NOT completely miserable, and hopefully when all is said and done, my school will have paid for itself, and i'll be able to be un-miserable, and more financially productive in my given field.

i just don't know if it will work. it's a good theory. but will it work?

at any rate, 'tis a far, far better thing to go to school than to waste away in some factory.

however, looking at these numbers, i won't be able to start a family for at least another 5 - 10 years. not that i'm in any great hurry. i just think it would be nice to have a family and a home. and i would potentially like to start on it before i'm 30.

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