Extremely Strange.......

:: 2021 16 April :: 11.24pm

How do you help yourself when you feel all of the feelings and anxiety of everything around you so deeply.

6 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2012 9 October :: 4.14pm

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't deal with real life. Why am I so weak? I have a bachelor's degree that I can't do anything with except go to grad school but that seems to overwhelming for me to even think about. Every time it crosses my mind that I need to apply, I quickly think of something else. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself. Next month I have to start paying back all of my student loans and I have a job making $11/hour. I also am going to be getting less on my paychecks b/c I need to start paying for benefits. I just want to run away and not deal with anything. I had this magical life pictured in my head that I would go to college, go straight through to grad school, become a speech pathologist, have money and not struggle like my parents. It seems like that is too far out of my comfort zone and what I'm familiar with. I'm familiar with pain, no money and struggle. My mom struggles every day and cries to me b/c they can't afford fuel oil or the bills. I literally feel like I want to bash my head into a wall everyday b/c of how my life has turned out. And it's nobody's fault but my own. I hide from everything I should be doing and then sit here and cry b/c of how it is.

I'm literally afraid to check my cmich email b/c my two professors that said they would write letters of rec for me have probably been emailing me wondering if I died or something. Why am I afraid to do GOOD for myself?

1 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2012 20 January :: 6.43pm

So I start therapy on Tuesday. 3 kindergarteners and 1 5th grader. Not sure what I'm going to do, kind of frantic but excited at the same time.

:: 2012 14 January :: 3.46pm

I feel weird at the spot I am at in my life right now. Looking back at old pics from like 2 years ago and earlier..I was surrounded by so many friends and fun people...now I just feel like I'm associated with a couple casino people and Nic. Meh.

3 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2011 7 December :: 7.40pm

i am so overjoyed to finally become what i always knew i was meant to be. <3 <3 <3

3 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2011 30 November :: 5.29pm

goal for the night: create a studying schedule for exam week..and stick to it!! no procrastination for once in my life...it will be very relieving to me in the long run!

2 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2011 27 November :: 1.34pm

I AM BEYOND PISSED RIGHT NOW.

so nic's kid is out of fucking control. we only get her every other weekend and it's clear that her mother does not discipline her. she's basically raised by the babysitter who illegally watches 8 other children and let's them run around and do whatever they want. i can't deal with her attitude anymore or her defiancy! so nic made her a breakfast sandwich and she took 2 bites and said i'm full (normal child behavior i understand) and nic told her multiple times..as did i..that she would have to sit there and eather sandwich otherwise she couldn't get down..so she pushed her sandwich away and put her head on the table and sat there for 20 mins or so..i reheated the sandwich..gave it back..she goofed around for 15 more minutes making noises, crawling around on her chair, pulling apart the sandwich, claiming she didn't like eggs (which she eats everytime she's here) and telling us she would "not" eat the sandwich..so finally after an hour (nic just sat on the couch the whole time and pretty much said nothing to her) he told her to go to her room and threw away the sandwich.....

WELL WHY DID I JUST WASTE MY FUCKING BREATH FOR AN HOUR IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LET HER WIN. how is she EVER going to learn to listen, no wonder shje doesn't..that was EXACTLY what she wanted..to not eat her fucking sandwich and guaranteed in half an hour she'll be hungry and asking for a snack. when he told her she could leave the table she smiled and leaped out of her chair and ran upstairs to play..how great of a 'punishment' she's up there singing and playing with her littlest pet shops happy as could be. it's FRUSTRATING b/c it's MY house too and she should have to listen around here but nic just gives in b/c it's easier that way. but now what? after an hour long battle she got her way for being defiant..so great..we just taught her that if she refuses to do something long enough, she will get her way. UGH i'm so annoyed right now!! and if I try to help or offer advice (stick with what you said nic, don't give in..etc..) he'll tell me "why do people who don't have kids think they know everything" i don't think I know fucking everything but I'm PRETTY sure that you just taught her it's ok to not listen, she'll get her way but HEY maybe i'm wrong.

:: 2011 17 November :: 9.32pm

Scriptina

:: 2011 18 November :: 4.26pm

Trying to start my own business so I can get the hell out of the casino..

I have a website! kind of exciting..

jgillette.bodybyvi.com

I just hope people see my results and know that they can do it too! I'm trying to convince my mom to do it now instead of bariatric surgery. Her surgery is scheduled for December..so we shall see..My Uncle Sam is doing it and he's been a type one diabetic with a pump for 20+ years..and for the first time he's lowering all of his meds! If that doesn't convince my mom I don't know what will..makes me nervous. ugh. Off to work... :/

:: 2011 6 November :: 1.26am

it's funny how much life changes.

:: 2011 31 October :: 9.25pm

i only have one person who truly truly understands. i appreciate her and respect her so much for that. especially because she never went through it herself so to understand how i feel is a huge deal. of course shes familiar with the feeling of trying and waiting etc but to actually be told its going to be hard for it happen. that theres a possibility it wont ever happen. thats tough to understand. to that person, you know who you are i hope and just know how much i appreciate it.

i hate so much the feeling where you have something that upsets you so much but you feel like its wrong for you to get sad or be mopey because someone of course has it worse than you do. but then on the other hand i dont want to walk around being miss positive when things aren't positive. i hate going to work every day and pretending like i'm caring about the papers i'm filling out, the patients i talk to, the work i'm doing. i dont care. my mind has been focused on one thing and one thing alone for so many months. i feel so selfish and so self asorbed on one hand and then on the other hand i feel like i have a total right to feel this way.

i have always felt i have one sole purpose on this earth. for that to have become something that might never happen for me is just unthinkable. so upsetting. i hate feeling this way but i can't help it. I can't help thinking that if it doesn't happen for me, i wont ever be complete. i dont even have the option of that "out" that most people have. because the person i'm goign tobe with every day for the rest of my life doesn't see that as an option. and thats not what i wanted anyway but at least i could keep that in the back of my mind as an option if no other way is possible. if it doesn't happen i wont be able to just keep going to work i wont be able to keep participating in life like i might get what i want one day. i wont. this isn't how it was supposed to happen.

i know what i was made for.

God, you know what I was made for too. Why wont you allow it? It scares me so bad. I'm so bitter towards everyone I meet or hear about who has what I don't have. It hurts every time I see how great we would be. It hurts when we act so silly together and then look at each other and say "can you imagine what it will be like when....." to think that there may never be that "when" it hurts so much. I hate the feeling that I can hardly cry about it anymore. Its like its not real. Its like I'm seriously just on a moving sidewalk not actually living my life but just rolling on along... watching everything. Of course I have moments that I enjoy with friends and my loved ones. obviously. but i can never escape the feeling of sadness I have about the thing that clouds my mind 100% of the time. Medicated so i'll feel better on a day to day basis but it just makes things feel unreal. Because I can't feel sadness like I did. Its good but bad all in one.

I dont want to be jealous anymore. I dont want to be bitter anymore. but most of all i dont want to be missing this important thing in my life anymore.

i'm so scared to inject crazy chemicals into my body. all the changes or side effects it can cause. weight gain, nausea , insomnia, loss or damage of an organ. potential death. pain. the stress its going to put on my marriage and friendships. and the insane cost. the cost we can't afford whatsoever. but i can't even say i care because its nothing compared to what i want. it will make the pain so much harder to ignore. i'm so sick of taking medications . i'm so sick of appointments. insurance company calls. a surgery. prayers. what more can i put into this. i really truly don't know. i've tried praying to God every day several times a day, i've tried saying fuck it and screw you God you don't want to give me the thing I've wanted most in my life since I was literally 2 years old. anyone who knows me would know what I want more than anything. You know that when I was 4, when I was 11, when I was 14...what did i love? what did i want? did i want a fancy career? a big degree? money? fuck no. you know what i want.

but to reiterate- thank you again to my friend who understands,listens, is so supportive and always says the right thing.
also thank you to the other people in my life who care as well. please know i appreciate more than i could ever tell you.

:: 2011 31 October :: 7.35pm

who would have thought i would have to do what i'm about to do? its so not fair. if it doesn't work i wont be able to keep this stupid positive attitude anymore.............. but yet i wont be able to stop trying........................super.

:: 2011 19 October :: 2.52pm

Ok, so I've decided to post my essay for the class I'm applying for..right now it's disjointed and it doesn't flow well. I can only have 300 words..which it is right now. I have the part in there about my dad (my adviser told me to def. include that part since I got an E and W's the previous semesters..so that part I can't really delete) Here's the prompt:

"The essay should be reflective of your academic and clinical experiences through observations and what you have learned as it relates to characteristics/skills of a "good" student clinician."

Right now it's a rough draft..very rough..but I wanted to get something down on the page as a starting point. Any feedback at all would be helpful b/c I'm kind of 'stuck.' Thanks!!

--My mantra in life is, “Never give up.” I feel a good clinician is someone who is innovative and determined to never give up on finding an answer for their client or any problem they face, if you can’t find an answer-figure it out. I apply this outlook to everything I do in life. Over the past year, I have overcome many obstacles that have made me realize how passionate I am about Speech-Language Pathology.
The previous year has proven difficult for me academically. My dad was admitted to the hospital last fall with swelling on his brain and diagnosed with Wernicke’s encephalopathy. As his conditioned worsened, I moved home to help care for him. Over time, I realized that although I loved my dad, I couldn’t give up on my dream of becoming an SLP. So, I’m back 100% this semester and striving to achieve the excellent academic status I had prior to this year. My major GPA was a 3.9 and my overall GPA was a 3.88. I believe this experience has made me stronger and more determined to accomplish my goals. I also believe it will help me to empathize and relate to families who have a loved one with a communication disorder because I understand how truly devastating it can be.
Through academic experiences such as volunteering as a tutor for CDO 335, ASHA conventions and working with Dr. Sturm at sites for her research project and clinical experiences in 494, I believe I have what it takes to be a good clinician. I don’t let barriers stand in my way, I find a different way. I have also worked as a Customer Service Representative for 3 years and I feel these skills will help me to interact with my clients and turn negative situations into positive ones.--

It's due next week so I have a little bit to fix it up :/

3 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2011 12 October :: 2.40pm

so, I have to apply for this class for my major. it's CDO 495 our clinic class. you have to apply and get accepted to get in. you basically ARE an slp and get assigned 2 clients that you have to do therapy with and everything. if you don't get in, they basically say you won't get into grad school. keeping in mind if i don't get in, i still have a back up plan and will STILL make my way to grad school..i really need to get into this class. my grades for the past year have been SHIT. (including an E, Incomplete and W's). HOWEVER, before that I had a 4.0 and am earning a 4.0 during this semester. I have to write a 300 word essay to turn in.

How can I express in 300 words HOW BADLY I want this and how much I have changed my life in the past year and overcome so many obstacles to do THIS. I was at rock bottom..i as in the hospital for 4 days, my dad was in the hospital, i went through two really rough life altering decisions that crushed me and I overcame these things to complete my schooling. I've completely taken myself off of anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I've lost 20lbs and exercise daily and meditate. I'm so much better than before. I am just upset b/c I KNOW my skills and abilities in academia and in a clinic setting and I'm confident in my skills and my ability to do it and do it well, but that's not going to come across in my transcripts. SO this essay could highly benefit me. I just am so worried that they won't see it. That they'll brush me aside, but I'm hoping not. I know I'll get some priority b/c I'm graduating in May, and they let people that are graduating have first 'dibs' so they can get it in. The essay needs to be about, 'What makes a good clinician"--I need more words so I can tell them what I think makes a good clinician and how I embody that. :/

I don't want to make excuses for my bad grades. Nobody cares about excuses because everyone goes through rough times etc..so, in my essay, I'm thinking writing 1-2 sentences tops expressing the fact that I own up to my poor performance and would just ask to still be considered based on my overall GPA and my experiences outside of class. IDK what I should say about it. I don't know if I should say, "yea I did crappy, but that's not the real me..blah blah etc.." or if I should just leave it out altogether and just let them wonder? Any opinions? I don't know what would be appropriate.

:: 2011 3 October :: 11.12pm

i need to not let other people's success in my field get me down (all my peers are getting into grad school etc).. i just need to let it inspire me to find my own path, my own way there,..maybe it won't be as easy and i'll have to take a detour..but i'll get there, in my own way. i'll forge my own path/adventure.