gillette
|
::
2009 27 December :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: blah
i have a million thoughts swirling around in my head about everything, but i can't figure out what to say first. i guess this only thing i can get out is that i feel.....i don't know. i can't write this entry.
How does it feel?
|
|
gillette
|
::
2009 1 December :: 11.44pm
:: Music: Life
hm. I need a change in my life. I know I'm not supposed to be negative, but right now I'd just like to rant..or just state..my 'problems' that I'd like to work on..
number 1) my room is ungodly messy, i mean i can barely walk to my bed and it's horrible. i feel claustrophobic in here, but i really have no motivation to clean it,..i need to. number 2) i am very unorganized..i forget important things and my homework and books are sprawled all over the floor of my room. instated of using folders for classes (i bought folders) i shove all of my papers into my notebook for the class. this causes me to shuffle endlessly through stacks of papers to find things i need. number 3) i have no money. i need to call financial aid and go make an appointment with them to see if i can get more loan money. number 4) i'm overwhelmed by work and school. i need to quit my job before next semester, but i'm not sure if that's financially possible. my grades have suffered this semester and i've been nap happy all semester long. in fact tonight i slept through my 6:30pm class, which upsets me! i hate missing class b/c then i miss crap and it's just annoying. number 5) i want to volunteer more and do other things like that. it would make me happy and i need to do those sort of things to write on my resume. i don't have time though b/c of work. i need time for more important things! number 6) i don't know what to do about living next year..i know it's next year, but i need to sign a lease here soon if i'm going to live here. i most likely will, but part of me is dying for a change! i feel like i've just been trudging along on this same path and i need something different..maybe i can find something different in a different area of my life besides living arrangements but i just don't know what. number 7) i've been stressed this semester so much..i haven't enjoyed myself. i don't do anything fun. i want to have fun! it wears on you after a while..the monotony of school and work. i need some excitement. number 8) i'm not going to get all A's this semester which reaaally upsets me. i need to accept it i guess, but still try the best i can at finals. i could maybe get all A's and A-'s, but as of right now i'm not sure. i don't want my 4.0 in the major to be gone :( but i think it might be. i don't want to beat myself up over it though..i need to just move on.
so that's that. i don't know exactly what to do about all of them, but i'd like to work on them. i just need to find the motivation. i'm exhausted. i wish i lived on the beach so i could just go lay on the sand and veg out. i've seen a counselor twice, but it's not that helpful i don't think. she mostly just makes me talk and doesn't say anything. hmm. i'm going to keep going to give it a full try though i guess. anyway, time to play farmville.
1 Felt the pain... |
How does it feel?
|
|
gillette
|
::
2009 3 November :: 2.33am
awkward turtle is awkward. and highly annoying. and pregnant. or maybe just fat. probably fat.
1 Felt the pain... |
How does it feel?
|
|
gillette
|
::
2009 22 October :: 1.26am
so i found out a few weeks ago that my old friend dan had called my house looking for me. my dad told him that i had a boyfriend (which dan already knows) and that it would be best if he didn't call me. apparently he said he had gotten a new phone number and wanted to give it to me. i haven't talked to him in like a year.
i was like his only friend. the only one who understood him, or listened to him and made him feel better about himself. i think i have a slight attachment to him because he was in the same place my dad is and he has overcome it and works through it every day. i'm not sure if he's still sober, but when i last talked to him like a year ago, he was. i hope he still is.
i do miss his friendship, and it brings tears to my eyes that my dad did that.
How does it feel?
|
|
gillette
|
::
2009 14 October :: 5.44pm
Next semster I'm taking..
CDO 439=3
CDO 402=2
CDO 494=3
ASL 201=3
HDF 307=3
hmm on my way to graduation! kind of..
How does it feel?
|
|
gillette
|
::
2009 14 October :: 12.40am
so. i've realized that life isn't that great unless you are with the ones you love. i can fill it with superficial acts like working, walking, class, eating. but, it's not worth it in the end. i know i need to go to school to get a job and do the career i want to do, but i'd rather just be with him. i'd rather just be surrounded by love. it trumps everything else.
everything around me is fake. i long for what's actually true in my life, what actually means something deep to me. it's painful to get out of bed, go to class and suffer the monotony of the day without him. i have to force myself to do the things i need to do, there is nothing i want to do. i don't want to go to work. i don't want to go to class. but without these things, i would just lie in my bed and stare at nothing. my life would become useless.
...
i am over burdened by my family's suffering. i cannot handle it anymore. because i've realized that i can do nothing about it, it's out of my hands, i have to back away from it all. my dad has no desire to be happy, no desire to change. my mom is depressed. they are frozen in that house. literally. and i can't do anything. i sit here in my room, feeling cozy, and they are shivering. it breaks my heart, but i can't let it anymore. but that thought just seems so cruel.
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 13 October :: 6.35am
Here we go.
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 11 October :: 10.32am
I am exciiiiited!
I've been nervous for days and though I know once I get on the plane my stomach is going to be in knots again and I'm going to feel sick, that's ok.
I was freaking out about packing, but it's going surprisingly well so I think that's helping my anxiety a bit. I was also stressing a bit about all of the things I had to buy, but everything I need right away is purchased and I have money for what I need when I get there.
I feel like Wednesday cannot come soon enough. For a while I was almost dreading this and sad, but I think it's coming at the best possible time for me. I think it's what I should be doing. I know the first month is probably going to suck, I'm going to want to come home, and it's going to be exceptionally hard, but it not being easy is probably what makes the journey worth it.
When I fly solo, I fly so high.
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 8 October :: 11.42pm
I just watched my little niece walk for the first time. And I cried.
Someday, far far away, I am excited to be a mom.
(Adoption, of course).
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 8 October :: 9.31am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit - Poke
Nights like last night make me not want to leave.
I love it here.
Nonetheless, it's time to move on. :)
How does it feel?
|
.j.e.s.s.
|
::
2009 7 October :: 6.20pm
couple things bugging me...
i feel like people lie to me
i feel like people are fake
apparently there are 3 cases of swine flu at my school but they dont tell anyone????
annoyed.
1 Felt the pain... |
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 6 October :: 11.24am
:: Music: Bright Eyes
Waves.
Began last night.
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 5 October :: 7.07am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit - Keep yourself warm
Unbounded hook ups.
I don't think I could ever become someone like that. Even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I can't see that feeling good or right. I'll never be one of those people. I don't know what it is about me, but something about it is sacred in a way. I've thought about it, talked about it, made jokes about it, but there's no trophy case or number high enough to make me intrigued. I've had my chance and I thank my cold feet. It's gross and futile. Oh, what is this world becoming? How am I to know?
At times I've tried to be something I'm not. It's never worked out for me.
I'm thankful.
You won't find love in a- won't find love in a hole.
It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself- see in the dark!
Can you see the look in your face?
The flashing white light's been turned off.
You don't know know who's in your bed.
It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep warm.
Do you really think that for a house beat you'll find your love in a hole?
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 4 October :: 2.21pm
:: Music: Brand New
The Brand New concert was amazing. I've never been to a concert where a band played so long and incorporated every single album, and not just one song, but at least a few from each. Even their first album. Not only that, but they gave a lot of their songs a new style and changed them up a lot to keep them interesting, but have their fans still be able to sing along. Jesse's voice is even more powerful, beautiful, and soft in person. I got teary eyed when they played some songs from Deja Entendu. In front of me there was this one guy who was just SO into it. He was drunk, of course, but I didn't see him as obnoxious. He knew the words, he felt the music, and he was just so into it and then to my right there was another guy who was also really feeling it. I don't know.. I guess seeing other people, complete strangers especially, connecting to something as much as I do is just a beautiful thing. To know that though we're all different, strangers, and life separate lives we can all have an emotional, deep connection to something breath taking. It doesn't matter how someone dresses or how they look, some people will completely surprise you. And it's not about having similar tastes in music, it's about connecting to words on such a level that you feel your entire body bursting at the seams. I think that, itself, is breath taking.
How does it feel?
|
|
cleverlinesunread
|
::
2009 4 October :: 8.24am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit
As each day comes to an end I am starting to freak out a little more. I am not ready, I don't know what to pack, the physical training is going to kill me, waking up at 5:30 is going to kill me, not having my own space, sitting in classes, etc. etc. etc.
I am a very routine person. I love to experience new things, I love to travel, I love to be spontaneous and just go, and I love learning new things, but when it comes to my every day normal life I am very routine and organized.
I am scared, I am nervous, but when I really think about my life I can't imagine going on how I am. Yeah, it's been great and fun and I've made tons of amazing memories, but am I really living with purpose? No. Am I making any sort of change? Other than recycling, no. My biggest purpose in life cannot be recycling. So, this is it.
I kind of want to struggle and be disciplined and not want to wake up every day and help other people, but do it anyway. Generally people live very selfish lives and I can easily say I do and it's time for a change.
I suppose what I am most nervous about is how the people are going to be. My team leaders and team mates. I don't know what to expect and I want to go in being myself, but what if who I am doesn't mesh with my team? And what if everyone just looks at me as a joke because I'm not exactly muscly. I really don't want people to look at me as weak. Though I won't say I can't lift a whole lot and I may not be all that strong physically, but I do think I am bringing something to the table worth value.
Ugh. None of this matters. I am doing this either way. Worrying is stupid. I am just anxious and want to be there already so I can see what I am dealing with and well, deal with it.
How does it feel?
|
|