Extremely Strange.......

2 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2006 2 May :: 6.19pm

I took my "exam" for my college class. i'm pretty sure i failed . i really have no idea what my grade is and I have no idea how to check it. i went on blackboard and there are no grades posted. other than ask my professor, which i will not do, i dont think there is any way to even check your grade.

and speaking of failing. that's pretty much what i feel like. my life is so busy it seems but i never get anything done. high school is absolutely pointless and a complete waste of my time. after school i got to work every day now. The days i get off at Menards, I am scheduled at Rosies. It's good I guess but I just feel like I have no time. I think when school gets done I will feel better but I dont know.

i miss band. is that crazy. I miss playing music. After I finished my exam, I walked across the street to the Music Center where I have never ventured and went into some practice rooms and played piano and marimba. I miss it so much.

I can hardly remember anything on mallets. I wish so bad that my parents would have paid for me to do GLP. I think it would have changed my life. Not that I dont like all aspects of my life. I dont wish it was all different, but I really feel empty. I was so disappointed when I stood in front of that marimba and couldn't remember anything I have played in the past. Ugh.... I think Justine is probably the only one who could understand what i'm saying.

I sucked playing piano too, but I hope that's mostly because of the acrylic nails I have on which make it near impossible to play. But I always wish I could have went further in piano. I just didn't have the time or the good teachers.

Not being able to play piano or any instrument well anymore is like feeling like some of you would if you couldn't play a sport anymore. I just feel ... bad. and clarinet..... I haven't picked up that since I quit band last semester. I can only imagine how bad I've gotten.

I just feel disappointed in myself. And hardly anything keeps me up anymore. I dont know. Ugh. Okay this guy next to me wont stop talking loudly on his cell phone in some foreign language and it's getting really annoying.

yeah I'm in the GRCC library now. i have never stopped here before and now that it's my last class I just decided too. pretty stupid but i just didn't want to go home really.

I really am scared. I never wanted that stupid scholarship and now I'm supposed to go and prove to everyone that I can go to college and be smart and be on my own and have a real job and while I type that my fricken eyes fill up with tears because I really feel, deep down that I know I can't do it. yeah you're not supposed to say can't yeah okay. But I really dontthink I can. I dont think I can handle working 20+ hours a week and taking these hard classes to become a Paralegal. Which is what I'm now going for.

I guess.
I suppose.
Even though I dont think I can. It's like I'm telling myself, 'Yeah I'll try it and if it doesn't work I can just drop out, it's not a big deal because I have that scholarship.'

even though it is a big deal.

i dont know what i'm going to do.

i'm going into this completely blind.

and i know nothing about it and I have no faith in myself.

I want roman.

and ps: I'm not even going to start writing about the other thing that's bugging me.

1 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2006 1 May :: 10.36pm

SO! cool things..

i have the greatest boyfriend ever and i love him and we had so much fun on prom and i got to see him TWICE IN ONE WEEK!!! one weekend no less! we hung out sunday again and went to the binder park zoo. it was SO FUN!

ahhhh i love him

and then ALSO today i was called to be told I won a spa package i entered a long time ago at Art Van. How cool is that?

it's worth $195 ... i get a haircut, scalp massage, style, conditioning treatment, manicure, pedicure and either a facial or a full body massage... my choice. i got a huge cool robe, i got a $10 gift certificate to the salon or to marshall fields and i got a bottle of shampoo. HOW COOL IS THAT?! ahh i'm so excited to schedule it.

here are some pictures.....

Read more..

more zoo pics to come lol....

oh and ps... i am really getting chubby and chunky. i keep expecting to just lose it but i dont eat less.... i exercise a LITTLE bit more but not much and eh i duno. my self esteem is lowering. it's like, i can't care as much as i used to because roman's always there to life my spirits and make me feel great about myself, but when he's not there i dont feel good about how i look and also i can't just be fat even if he still loves me that way. so .... i duno.... any suggestions i guess? i just feel UGH and then when i'm hungry i'm like oh, come on, i'm fine...

oh and also... eh, nevermind.

*JESSSSICA*

3 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2006 1 May :: 8.36pm

Hmm well i'd say those pretty much fit.

3 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2006 29 April :: 10.55pm

AHHHH so prom was so much fun. we both enjoyed it. roman said he had a blast and thanked me for wanting him to come so bad! lol. it was so much fun and i'll never forget it. i'm so glad we went.
i just love roman and i can't wait for august (yes august now).
and it was fun getting ready at jess's.

brokenmentality

:: 2006 29 April :: 2.31pm

tired as hell.

prom was wonderful. still didnt top last years, but we werent really aiming for that. it was wonderful in its own way. me and keegan went with brandi and ryan, im so glad we didnt go in a big group. we got pictures at my house, then at the rockford dam. we had dinner at mangiamo! (the exclamation point is part of the title.. odd as it is) it was absolutely gorgeous. the restaraunt itself is in a huge "old world" mansion. its italian and suprisingly wasnt that expensive. i think it'd be a safe bet to say that we ate at the most beautiful restaraunt. seriously.... lol.

i didnt really care for st. nicks. to me it was set up really awkwardly. the dance floor in its own little room thing... odd. we made it fun though. senior prom.. gotta live it up right? i couldnt have been more happier with the way my hair and dress turned out.. i felt like a princess. and keegan just looked absolutely wonderful. it was nice to see him in black for once. he's gone white, ivory, and FINALLY black. and the black definately looked best. *smiles.... i love us together.

after prom we went to steak n shake and then midnight bowling. we didnt really know what to do. me and keegan wanted to go to oasis, but brandi didnt want to. so we kind of winged it. we didnt want to go anywhere that alcohol might be... which rules out alot of the post prom parties! no worries though. keegan and i went back to his house and stayed there. this morning he even made me breakfast. aww.

all in all i got about 140 pictures. thats gonna be a pain to print!

i cant belive this was my last dance. no more getting dressed up. no more extensive hair, no more beautiful dresses. its about time though. im assuming the next time i get ALL done up like this will be my wedding! bring it on..... all the more reasons to get an expensive dress!

tonights a rampage game. i should probably get ready.

HOLY my goodness did it take forever to wash all the hair spray out of my hair. i havent yet gotten to blow drying it.. but i know thats its mega snarled.

have a good rest of the weekend.

:: 2006 29 April :: 4.13pm

A lot has changed lately.

My dad called me on Thursday and told me that my stepmom was moving out. I don't really know what to think of this. At first I cried but then I realized the whole reason why I was crying wasn't because she was moving out it was because I was just scared of what was going to happen and I didn't want my dad to be alone and it hurts me to see him hurt. I guess I don't really have feelings towards this. I think it's for the best. I hated her anyways. Once she moves out my dad wants me to come over Tuesday-Thursday because he is always in Detroit all week and we need someone to take care of our dogs but there's no way I'm moving in there. I'm not going to be at a house all alone and plus once Summer comes I wont even be here anyways so it's not going to work out. I don't know what we are going to do and we are also going to put our house up for sale and move too. This whole thing is really stressing me out.

So then today my uncle needed me to drop something off at my dads so I planned on going to see my dad anyways so when I'm about five minutes away my mom calls me and tells me my dad called her and said that I can't come over right now so I wanted to know what that was all about and I called him and he said that my stepmom was there and that it just wasn't a good idea for me to be there. I got pissed off because I basically drove out there for nothing and my uncle still needed me to drop something off at my dads so I just went over there anyways and dropped it off and I walked out and then my dad came after me and we got into this huge fight and it ended up with me crying and leaving.

And now my mom and I are also in a fight because of this whole thing so I pretty much feel unwelcome at both of my houses.

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more her prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed
It's time to kiss the past goodbye

In other news besides all the bad things that have been going on, Prom was awesome. I don't really feel like talking about it because Prom is Prom but it was really weird because everyone kept telling me last night that I looked like Mischa Barton and my Prom dress looked like her Prom dress that she wore on The O.C. and the episode just airred on Thursday so a day later we had almost the same dress. Hmm..her and I ... pretty much the same person.

:: 2006 29 April :: 1.21pm

You know what? I actually thought I wanted to be your friend and now I have no idea why. No idea.

:: 2006 27 April :: 11.23pm

UGh, i'm sorry. but can i just remind you how much YOU suck and how much you annoy me and how i am like a thousand times cooler than you and i can hardly stand you and AHHH you make me want to pull my own hair out.

ugh

so excited for tomorrow though.

brokenmentality

:: 2006 27 April :: 1.35pm

i just tried on my prom dress and jewlery and all that... OMG.

SMILES SOOOOOOO BIG

im excited now. it still fits. my tan is wonderful. i cant wait to eat at montiago or whatever its called. !!!!!!

see everyone tomorrow!

2 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2006 26 April :: 11.48pm

Gotta love those akward moments.

:: 2006 26 April :: 11.08pm

i would never ask for someone else or something else but why does everything have to go wrong. i just want ONE day to be free of worries or concerns for us. i hate being so far away,

gonna go cry. again.

i love you though.

brokenmentality

:: 2006 25 April :: 1.56pm

*phew... sigh of relief.

in other news.. H's prom promise spiel went good today. I figured that'd be a good message instead of handing out crappy pens. Feedback?

prom.friday.ohgod.

10 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2006 25 April :: 4.21pm

Apparently I'm not being vague enough for you. Either you pretend you don't notice or you are a complete moron. One of the two. Who knows which one that is.

:: 2006 24 April :: 2.09pm

UGHGHGHGHG

what else can suck.

"it's like he just woke up one morning and was like, bring on the piss!" lol.

ugh how long till you're with me. seriously.