Estuans Interius Ira Vehementi

:: 2010 19 February :: 3.38pm

being able to RDP with DDNS amuses me

:: 2010 16 February :: 6.57pm
:: Music: Life After You - Daughtry

Life.. it happens whether we want it to or not..
I feel like I have hit a stand still in my life.
I don't feel like I am moving forward or backward.
I am completely happy with everything that has happened.
I love my life, just feel like it's too straight and narrow.
I hate my job; getting up at the same time, leaving at the same time, doing the same thing everyday, and seeing the same people.
I hate the repitition.
I understand that no matter what job I will end up doing, I will be doing the same thing over and over.
But after 2 years, I need a new scene. I need a different atmosphere.
I need to be able to go to work, and know that I'm not going to get into an argument with my boss over something petty.
I need a drastic change on the job front, like yesterday.
Something where I will see different people everyday.
I might be able to handle getting up at the same time, and leaving at the same time, if i had a different atmosphere to go to, and enjoy.

Having my nights to myself is lonely, and although I should be filling it with my homework, I don't.
I don't have the ambition to do my homework, because I am too caught up in being exhausted from work, and thinking about how I am just going to be going home to an empty, well almost empty house.

Ugh!..

:: 2010 14 February :: 10.54am

ha internet

:: 2010 10 February :: 10.41am

Iron Maiden - Man on Edge
Read more..

:: 2010 28 January :: 10.33am

I am sitting in bed under the covers because it is quite cold outside. John Mayer is on Vh1 singing about heartbreak and warfare.

Had the Brinner pajama party last night-it went quite well. I still have about 8 dozen eggs, though, so I might be making some deviled eggs this afternoon to take to closed rush.

We are bidding for next years convention and I'm in charge of it. Planning a convention for 600+ people is not an easy thing to do.

I am afraid that the garbage truck outside is going to hit my car right now.

Nope, it didn't.

I need to do my reading on Socialism and Communism-ideologies that happen to fulfill my psychic needs (or as Fromm would say).

This is my last spring semester as an undergraduate. I need to do my taxes. I need to fight with my insurance company about paying for my Nexium. I am having a surgical consultation in a few weeks. I need a nap.

:: 2010 28 January :: 10.38am

Big boy job.

:: 2010 26 January :: 2.55pm

Shithawks
The stupid discuss persons.
The average discuss things.
The intelligent discuss ideas.

5 slinked away | face the fox

:: 2010 25 January :: 5.42pm

All the cool kids are doing it..
Has a hate list of her own today..

I hate that I have to be mean to get anywhere with morons that have better jobs than me.
I hate that I suck as a friend.
I hate that I don't realize that some things have boundaries, until its too late.
I hate that there isn't anything I can do in certain situations.
I hate that my boyfriend is back on second shift.
I hate that I have no ambition to do the ass load of homework that I have piled up on my desk.
I hate that I hate so many things.

Thought I had more to say, but I lost it..

4 slinked away | face the fox

:: 2010 24 January :: 12.36pm

Dem boys got tha blues

:: 2010 15 January :: 11.13am

Chuck Yeager, that was a damn good man right there.

:: 2010 14 January :: 12.07am

shadow government

3 slinked away | face the fox

:: 2010 10 January :: 3.01am

I just watched Return to Me and then played some Assassin's Creed. I now have the world's strongest yearning to go back to Italy. Seriously.

I think Italian will be my next language to learn. After I finish my current goals, of course.

Oh, here are my New Year's whatevers:
(Check out that underline, this is official, kids.)

Read the Bible (that I've had since third grade) and blah-g about it.

Read the Qur'an (that I received from the wonderful CAIR) and blah-g about it.

Find a church that I like (and actually go and check it out). Current prospects: Fountain Street Church and Grand Rapids Friends.

Get married (ha ha, a girl can dream).

I love you all.

:: 2010 7 January :: 10.55pm

Dickbutt

2 slinked away | face the fox

:: 2010 5 January :: 9.07am
:: Mood: awake

I love the sound of your breathing as you lay next to me dreaming.

I went and purchased my books for the start of my second-to-last semester here as an undergraduate (I'm not counting the two classes I'm taking this summer).

It really wasn't bad as far as cost goes, but Ancient Literature has 11 books.

This semester I'm taking:

FRN 202: Intermediate French II
ENG 261: Ancient Literature
PSC 375: Socialism, Liberalism, and Fascism
PSC 321: The American Chief Executive

I'm pretty excited. It's the first semester that I've only taken 12 credits. I'm trying to go light after last semester's 17. I figure French will take up its fair share of time, and although the other three classes are two and three hundred levels, I feel like I might get a lot out of them without doing much homework other than reading. We'll see.

After this semester I will have 112 credits. I need 124 to graduate, but I'm going to end up with something like 128. This summer will be my two biology classes to finish up my area requirements for my Bachelor of Arts degree which will take me to 118, and then I'm looking into taking nine credits next fall with one graduate level class that will count as graduate credit as to make me a full-time student.

A year from now I will be starting graduate school, and then hopefully getting a post in Teach for America. By the end of all this the plan is to have a Master of Arts in English and one in Education.

Or, I could just give up, get pregnant, work at Meijer for my entire life, and waste away as an intellectual person. I think I'll choose the first.

:: 2010 5 January :: 3.02am

Things that make me happy
Nick did NOT propose to me on Christmas or on New Year's Eve. I have taught him well.

I have tomorrow off.

I switched a comp day with someone so I can have my birthday off and the guy was SO nice about it that I might make him cookies or something.

I received a cookbook and an apron for Christmas. Both of which I asked for and are awesome.

I still have my Christmas wreath up and I think Nick forgot it was there so I will keep it FOREVER.

I went to bed last night at 10:40pm and woke up at 8am.

My boss asked Nick and I out to dinner with him and his girlfriend.

It is my birthday month!

:: 2009 31 December :: 11.22am

I was trying to remember what I have done on New Years Eve for the past 10 years.. but there are some blank memories in there..

So, if you were involved, tell me memories you shared with me..

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.06pm

Had a rough couple of days.
They were more or less just extremely emotional and frustrating.
Had a hard time dealing with the 5 year anniversary of my grandma's death, and then this being the first christmas without my other grandma.
Argued 2 days in a row, with probably the most ignorant person in Ionia County.

I have felt a lot of unnecessary stress this week.
I think I am finally getting over it.
Thought I would have more Christmas spirit than I ended up with, but I guess shit happens.
Better luck next year.

kandy

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

ah..
see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.

I remember writing this years ago... and I still love the style of it.. but there is something wrong here. dying in the arms of the person you loved is not... an ending, nor is it probably the only good thing you'd find. To me, my dog is the only thing I have found with the exception of a few friends to have loved me unconditionally. To really be there for me and to accept me.

kandy

:: 2009 25 December :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

Everything
So I haven't updated in awhile. But I've had alot of things on my mind. Trying to figure out where my life is going and if where I'm at is helping me get there. I am excited about starting school back up in january. :D I'm just starting to wonder if this is really where I want to be. I miss things downstate. I used to have friends and be able to go hang out once in awhile.... now I just have one person maybe two I can talk to up here. And anyone that knows me, knows that I need my friends to stay sane. I've been having so much anxiety... sometimes its just hard to breathe. There are times I think... what am I doing here on this earth..what is my purpose. I keep wondering.... why am I here...I just make a mess of things. I constantly feel like everything is my fault. That I can never do anything right for my parents or the guy I'm with. And I know that isn't right or accurate. I know I'm loved to some extent. I just feel like there are terms and conditions to it all. And to me thats not the way love should be. I can love unconditionally, I treat my b/f the way I want him to treat me. Why can't someone treat me the same? Sometimes I just need a place to vent. I can't talk to him and have him actually listen. I just... I don't know what I need anymore.....

:: 2009 23 December :: 7.45pm

"I have a life that did not become,
that turned aside and stopped,
astonished:
I hold it in me like a pregnancy or
as on my lap a child
not to grow old but dwell on

it is to his grave I most
frequently return and return
to ask what is wrong, what was
wrong, to see it all by
the light of a different necessity
but the grave will not heal
and the child,
stirring, must share my grave
with me, an old man having
gotten by on what was left"

-A.R. Ammons, "Easter Morning"

jayzulla

:: 2009 22 December :: 3.12am

Avatar was pretty badass. mad people are going to see that movie. 3d has been sold out forever.

:: 2009 20 December :: 5.54am

I think I might regret going to work today. Two people have not been showing up and we have Santa bucks today. I think I'm going to be alone at the Service Desk all morning. FML.

:: 2009 19 December :: 2.02am

We learned today that we are getting Christmas bonuses! Yay! And then if I get my doing-my-job bonus, I will have money to pay bills and rent and school loans!

yay for crappy job that makes me feel grown up!

skife

:: 2009 17 December :: 11.30pm

Dear santa clause, Go fuck yourself.
I'm depressed because;

My wallet is empty
My paycheck is spent (can't even cash it until tomorrow)
I can't buy anybody christmas presents this year.

I know how "Tennessee" Earnie Ford felt when he is singing "sixteen tons"

4 slinked away | face the fox

skife

:: 2009 16 December :: 10.31am

woke up scared to death at 5am or so.

had this weird dream, i was hanging out in this housing development with kelli and jordan, and then i remember jordan's mom called, so i got into an old ford bronco and went to pick her up or something and then this henry guy called and he called all night, telling me things about myself freaking me out, then he said he'd be there in 20 minutes. i really didn't want to stick around to see who this guy was because i thought he was going to kill me, then while i was driving my truck got sucked backwards and kind of spun twards a tree and my door flew open and i flew out and face first right twards a tree. i remember the tree vividly.
the next thing i remember is seeing a bunch of white letters on a black background in a weird font. i was speaking gibberish and then i woke up.

about an hour later jordan woke me up saying i was talking gibberish while sleeping.

i hate dieing in dreams, it freaks me out.

3 slinked away | face the fox

:: 2009 15 December :: 2.33am

I should not eat when Nick is not around to edit my eating habits. He is asleep since he has to work at 7 am tomorrow.

Things I have eaten since Nick went to bed at 1:
Spaghetti with sauce and Parmesan cheese and green olives
Reheated TGIFriday's French fries (reheated in a pan with olive oil and crazy seasonings)
Green olives
Warmed up tortilla with above seasoning/spices and leftover oil along with garlic, sour cream and feta (the sour cream was a TERRIBLE idea... ugh)
More green olives
Snicker's bar

We don't have any food in the house. That is the main reason I ate a bunch of junk. Also I just went with my cravings. Usually Nick stops me before I add the sour cream. I am feeling really awful and would like to just throw everything up, please.

skife

:: 2009 13 December :: 1.47pm

cameras ezwatch - TCP 5150
99.148.141.102
TCP 5160
99.148.141.102
TCP 80
99.148.141.102
TCP 8000
99.148.141.102

6 slinked away | face the fox

:: 2009 12 December :: 9.10am

you get me my cheeze wiz boy?

:: 2009 11 December :: 9.14pm

So, I guess I'm getting a C+ or B- in my linguistics class depending on how she decides to "reward" an increase in an exam grade I got in the middle of the semester.

This is not good. It technically counts toward my English Major GPA, but Linguistics is not really English and this teacher was HUGE on phonology.

Well, I guess I'm never going to be a linguist. Not like that shattered any dreams of mine or anything.

The only thing I hate is that I didn't see this coming. I thought all the exams were easy but I got low B's a now a C- on this last one. We were only graded on four exams for this whole semester. I was going to go and talk to the prof, but I was sure that I would do really well. Guess not.

It just frustrates me that I know my way around literary theory and I can synthesize a theory in a matter of hours and have an A essay written in the next few after that, but I can't seem to reconstruct proto-languages or explain the grammatical rules of Ebonic thoroughly (these things may sound hard, but trust me, they're pretty easy).

Good-bye 3.79, it was nice knowing you...