Comfortable- at last...
I feel happy right now... and confident in myself- even physically right now- its an incredable feeling- i can't rememeber the last time i felt it.

I have my friends, my sisters, my pets, my house and possessions and I'm happy and love them all. :)

And I'm getting better :)

Nothing is nicer to me right now than that final feeling of relaxation, just sitting and not worrying for once- looking forward to things- and the things your not looking forward to- it doesnt matter coz you can look forward to the time after it when youve done it and achieved it. it will soon be my 18th year and i hope by then i will be sorted out.

Happy new year.

V.x

i am the ugliest, most vile, disgusting creature living on this planet and i don't know why i'm still here. i do no one any good and i make no difference to anything. i create badness and i do not deserve to live.

I have to.
I have to write right now, i have no idea what about or anything, i just need to.

i can't control my thoughts, i've been trying so hard to be strong, to do what needs to be done to get along with my friends, not to annoy anyone, to do whats right- for me and others.

i'm not ready. i'm not ready for any of it- i'm not ready to be on my own.

i can't believe that im never going to see her, ever again, she'll never see my driving licence, my a levvel results, my 1st g/b- friend.

i don't want to be on my own- i dont want to be responsible, i dont wt everything to change. everything has changed. andi'll never come home to see her or to speak to her, to have her say "have you had a good day?" and for me to reply "it's school" and us both rolling our eyes and laughing.

great, im crying again- my eyes appear to have been leaking for the last hour and a half. it just hit me that i am never going to see her or my pappa again. it's been over a month and it only just hit me. i was hysterical at my mums funeral yeah but that was just because the vicar kept going on and on about my dad as well- it just broke me. my dads funeral ws just a blur- i blocked emotion out. i think i may visit his grave tomorrow.

i miss him too- it wa harder for him to sink in as i didnt see him every day but now im never going to have his silly jokes or hear him laughing at them himself. or see him yelling and jumping in the air rather like a babboon as the rugby was on. i know neither of them were perfect- but heir good points are really sticking right now.

i wish i could get the pain out. i keep having scary and horrid, realistic dreams of them. i hope they stop soon.

i miss them.

so much.

This song, although meant to be about a lover really reminds me of my mum:

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

A long, boring entry.
01/02/2006.
There is nothing that I love more than a sad song or film to make me cry. For all of my self pity and selfishness, you know, I not really such a bad person. There are people in this world that are beyond cruel but I think if I just tried that little bit harder I could be or do anything that I wanted. I love to cry. Just the freedom of being able to let it all out of my over crowded system. The relief of it. I just love to cry. I actually prefer crying to laughing, I’m always laughing on the surface but inside it never means that much. I would love to be one of those people that never laughed of talked until it was needed. That was quiet and mysterious. Well that’s not what people expect from me anymore, and I tend to just follow what other peoples perceptions of me are. I’m the one that keeps the mood light. That always has a whole hearted smile. I’m proud that I have a place, and this is an important one- everyone needs someone to make them smile. Except, sometimes I don’t think I do it very well. And people tend to laugh at me not with me I think. They always think that I’m all out there and that they know me so well. Well, the fact is that no body knows me very well, purely and simply due to the fact that I don’t tell them or show them. I’m fine with this. I would rather just act up to what people expect of me. Am so shy. I get embarrassed easily. I get hurt easily. I guess I’m affected by a lot of things easily, hence why I cry so much in movies. Also I always get totally absorbed in them. I wish I were them and in love with them an them in love with me ect ect. I was just watching a sad movie. If only things were that easy- villain gets killed by perfect superhero that happens to be in love with other perfect person. Cue the line- and I quote “you are so beautiful” *insert kiss here* if only! Like in musicals by the end I always wish that the world were like that and I was able to burst in to song whenever I felt like it, and everyone was a good singer! I guess that I like movies and songs purely and simply because they tale me away from the real world and insert me into a beautiful one.

Deep feelings are not here.
No major update today. my sisters back and i just don't have time to spill my guts- it would take to long. i'm feeling really spaced out right now and a bit wierd. people that notice things keep asking me if i'm ok and such. even if i wern't i wouldn't say. i like talking bout myself loads but not right now. and i tend not to like talking about problems or deep feelings- problematic or not. it makes me feel uncomfortable. one, i can never get my point accross proberly and two, i hate to put my problems onto others. i prefer to have others put onto me. its just the way i am. i never feel that people would want to know. hy would they? antway, i hope to upload with my deep feelings next time when i have time for anyone thats interested.

another survey...

Me?

What Is Your Calling? (Dark And Amazing Pictures!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Poetry, That is what you are lookin for. A place to place your thoughts into, and translating them for the whole world to hear!! You love litterature and most of all, you have a curious attitude, that leads you to even more ideas. This is an awesome trait and never ever give that up. You are probably somewhat of a loner, or you have alot of friends that are in the same category as you are. You are probably a very imaginative person, and sometimes get lost within yourself.

Pros: Your imagination is over-whelming. You are extremely unique in every single way.

Cons: Some people take individuality as weirdness and think you as a weirdo or something of that sort. You also probably get frustrated within reality because you desire fantasy and adventure so much more. Did I mention mood swings?

quiz
[my name is]: Vicky
[in the morning i was]: tired
[all i need now is]: fresh air
[love is]: to feel happy
[i'm afraid of]: lots of things- not being loved
[i dream about]: nothing that I can remember

You:
-- Middle name: Anna
-- Birth time: 7.14pm
-- Birthplace : Reading hospital
-- Last place traveled: to school
-- Eye Color: Green, gold flecks
-- Nail Color: dark purple
-- Height: 6ft
-- Zodiac Sign:aries

Describe:
-- Your heritage: English
-- The shoes you wore today: dr martins
-- Your hair: long, v dark brown, a fringe
-- Your weakness: food
-- Your perfect pizza: chicken supreme

What is:
-- Your most overused phrase: what was I going to say??
-- Your thoughts first waking up: today? Its less cold in my room than usual- id better get up
-- Your current worry: many things
-- Your plans tomorrow: go to London *does a little dance*
-- Your best physical feature: asked my friends- they said eyes
-- Your bedtime: anywhere between 10.45pm and 6.00am

You prefer:
-- sunrise or sunset: Sunrise
-- gore or horror: bit of both
-- eastside or westside: errr… dunno. I live in the east, that any help?
-- stripes or polka dots: Stripes
-- Planes or trains: trains
-- metal or hardcore: Metal
-- Pools or hot tubs: hot tubs- ooh, bubbles!

Do You:
-- Do you think you've been in love: don’t really know
-- Want to get married: don’t want to but I reserve the right to change my mind
-- Type w/ your fingers: w/
-- Like to take baths: yeah
-- Get motion sickness: only when I read
-- Like talking on the phone: by text yeah but I only like talking after the initial awkwardness.
-- Like thunderstorms: love them
-- Play an instrument: nope
-- Workout: no but id love top join a gym
-- Like reading: yes I love it and It frustrates me when I cant consentrate

Favorite:
-- Body part: hands (you mean mine right?)
-- Kind of fruit: pears- juicy ones.
--Music to fall asleep to: several favourites.
-- Car: mazda mx 5
-- Thing to do: so many things cannot be bothered to list
-- Horror movie: the decent
-- Color: black and red
-- Food: umm… I have to choose?!

The Future:
-- Age you hope to be married: see previous question on marriage
-- Numbers and Names of Children: if I ever adopted- 2 and they’d be called Charlie (girl) and jack (boy)
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: see other marriage questions
-- How do you want to die: suddenly and without pain
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: fashion designer
-- What country would you most like to visit: egypt

Opposite Sex/ Same Sex:
-- Best eye color: Green, Brown not so much blue
-- Best hair color: dark brown, black
-- Best personality trait: sense of humour, smart.
-- Best height: depends, shorter if female, same height or taller if male
-- Best articles of clothing: umm… dunno. individual
-- Best first date location: millions. They have to mean something
-- Best first kiss location: lips, collarbone

Finish:
-- I eat: lots
-- I think: a lot!!!!
-- I am: an idiot
-- I adore: being adored!
-- I suck at: uncountable things
-- I am obsessed with: what people think of me
-- I can: almost put my foot behind my head
-- I can't wait: to be with someone!
-- I am annoyed with: thinking the same things over and over

stuff.
well hey, i had did have a whole load of new thoughts running around in my head just waiting to be written down but know i can't think of them and am kind of stuck as to what to write.lifes kinda good for me at the moment, i mean its far fron perfect and im frigging tired but its still, you know, good. i keep have the strangest feelings of confusion and lonelyness striking through a mountain of ultra happy thoughts!!! its beginning to frustrate me. im going to london on friday, should be good. my sisters pregnant again which is excellent. johnny depp is moving down the road soon which is just totally unbelievable. i have a scary little admirer- remember that randy little bugger that i was talking about the other day? well hes really freaking me out now. and he keeps coming up to me and grabbing my butt. i tell him to stop, he doesnt. i usually end up hitting him really hard and hiding behind sarah. i am not a natrally violent person so i feel uncomfortable hitting him- but if needs be!! and keep getting a load of hugs off boys- this is ultra ultra weird because ive never really had that many friends that are boys before. and sarah and lily both like the same guy so their always a bit upset so i keep getting hugs off them. and then he told sarah that he really liked her so i got and ecstatic hug off her. you know what- i think its the most contact ive ever had in my life. my parants and i never hug, i hate to be hugged by them i feel horrible if they hug me. ive always felt really awkward hugging people but suddenly all of my friends have turned into serial huggers! there are 3 kinds of contact that i have never had a problem with- in fact i think that one of them is the most intimate and romantic thing that you can ever do with anyone (i told that to sarah and she thinks its sweet but its not- i genuinely think that- it gives two people a connection) those things are, holding hands, leaning on one another (me and my friends never used to walk anywhere without some one to lean on!) and someone stroking my head. i have a thing about that- i really love it, dont ask me why, i always have. also having my hair brushed really slowly.
sorry for the ultra long entry- am feeling kinda babbley!!!.

a bit of everything.
well hi to everyone. i havent updated in a very long time it seems. i always think up really long entries of stuff going on in my life on the walk to school because thats when i do all my thinking, but like everything else that i think about then i seem to just forget it almost the instant i reach s'wold high street and sit on the cold bench waiting for the bus. i was remembering the other day and i thought about how in year 8 i was so obsessed with dirty dancing. i was determined that i would dance like that- the idea is laughable now but i really thought i could. i used to watch the film everyday and the feelings of hope that it used to invoke were increadable. i really was kinda obsessed. well thats a pretty random thought but i suddenly just remembered it again. like i said i do all of my thinking on the journey to and from school. with my music on full blast. i love it- the aloneness. just me, the music, my thoughts (not always a good thing ill admit) and the rhythm of my steps. and the views. its always just before dawn at this time of year and its a ritual for me to stop on the bridge and look out to the distance (you can see in the sun rays peeking over the edge) and every day i still love what i see. its home to me. i have taken to always stopping at a certain point on the bridge because the maintainance men measured along the bridge and theres a little "45" marked on a girder. ive kind of adopted that number as my own now. i was feelng so hopeful a few days ago and my mind was haywire but now im really feeling kind of drained so my fantasies have been limited. when i say fanasies i dont mean perversions i mean the little dreams i have. it amazes me how i can possibly make a whole flipping journal entry out of such a boring thing!
theres this boy thats a friend of a friend. ive never met him but he seems like a really nice guy and hes asked me to the cinema! so nice huh? me and sarah were fudging around in the fudge cuboard (theres a sign on it saying dont fudge around in the cuboard- hense the name) in the artroom trying to see how many people we could fit in there and basically a few of us were staying in there giggling and this little boy (year below me) presses up behind me and puts a hand n my waist and he's got a flipping hard on! can you bloody believe!!! i was so shocked! i left the fudge cuboard promptly afterwards. randy little bugger.
its weird, ive never had this problem before. i used to have loads of crushes on so many different people- usually with a at least two at the same time, and now i cant even comprehend liking someone else. its frustrating coz you know- it used to be my therory that if i had a back up then it would hurt less if i was turned down by the first. well- one- i never dared tell anyone let alone be turned down and- two- it probably wouldnt have hurt so much if i was able to like a back up at the same time would it? oh lord how my mind wanders! so it feels like im now permanently stuck with my crush in my head and even thinking of liking someone else feels like a betrayal which is the most stupid thing i have ever heard. of course it isnt- is it?? ahhh!!! im being so stupid.
dont wanna go home- dear pappa is there and if he hasnt got mum to drink by now hell probably still be ranting about how hes going to die or a similar load of bollocks. he bought me glow in the dark pens for christmas which i have already written on my wall with. and a bracelet thats too small.
well id better go anyway as i think my sisters having a row downstairs. dont wanna intrude.

grouchy old me.
so, so tired. woke up so many times in the night all hot and sweaty with Sarah pressed up behind me with her arm round me, feeling uncomfortable and having to shove her off. it's been one of those horrible uncomfortable days whn you just want to sit. and do absolutely nothing else. i'm getting really caught up in fake smile again and drawing but i just cant be bothered to draw today. ive got p.d next and i forgot to bring in my design sheet. oh well. what a stupid thing to do. i was sent an extract from a story that my friend is writng with mattie and hell in (from fake smile) and i totally humiliated myself by crying in front of the other people in the art room. its almost full there now at lunch and it drives me up the wall. especially today where i am in rather an antisocial mood.i feel kind of grotty actually but aah well- ill live. last night was really good. rosie kept singing really soppy songs- half of which had memories and i nearly humiliated my self there to. oops. im feeling kind of emotional at the moment- must be teenage hormones. anyway- it was a really nice night as the people there were all really nice except for a few that kept to the back of the place so that was ok. dion was there and it wwas really sad because everyone knows how he feels about rosie and he kept looking at her so mournfully. we all had hot chocolate or cafe lattes and i had both- mm mmm. as you can see i am a boring old frog so i may as well go. oh and i found out that christmas lights going on are on the 2nd of dec. should be good i hope.
see ya.

V.x

nothing really
It's been a strange day. i just failed a psycho test. not that that was a surprise- i forgot we had it and there fore neglected to revise. how can i be such an ignoramus?? anyway, i always have an event in my life that i look forward to- the last you heard about was guy faulks- now i have about a million! clothes show on the 7th, london on the 17th and rach's gig on the 19th. then its the s'wold turning on of the christmas lights which is always almost as good as bonfire night. i don't know which one to get the most excited about so i'm about to implode!!!

will anyone say anything?
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything, either good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you!

what will happen?
well that survey thing went on forever and i should be working but i can't seem to concentrate. i've been thinking about what has happened and what i think will happen in my life. 1. i can't remember so much! it's really bad! 2. i can't think of one thing that has happened to me in my life that at least one other person knows about. 3. i am v.v worried as i can't see my life. not one little peek of what i think it will be like. i mean i don't think i'm smart enough to get into any chosen prefession. i'm not pretty enough to have my world circle around me and a love. so, what will my life circle around??? i won't have a good job and i won't have someone to love me. there is nothing else that i can think of that i may need. any of my dreams won't come true as an adult. that i'm sure of. i guess i just have to wait and see what will happen. that scares me.

uhh- question thingy
7 things that scare me:
[1]never being loved
[2]beetles
[3]suffocation
[4]deafness
[5]dieing alone
[6]puppets
[7]disappointing the people I love

7 things I like the most:
[1]dreaming
[2]music
[3]yellow teddy (anyone think thats funny will die a painful death.)
[4]being lazy
[5]food
[6]drawing
[7]my room

7 important thing in my room:
[1]yellow
[2]cd player
[3]diary
[4]photos
[5]bed
[6]pictures
[7]computer will be

7 random facts about me:
[1]my nose is pierced
[2]my mind is nevver blank
[3]I obsess over random things
[4]I'm v.slightly OCD and also paranoid
[5]My favorite color is red
[6]my favourite shade is black
[7]I'm anti social

7 thing I want to do before I die:
[1]be loved
[2]love
[3]make my friends happy
[4]be a respected fashion designer
[5]go to egypt
[6]live in a penthouse apartment designed by me
[7]live

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
[1]manners
[2]smile
[3]beauty
[4]intelligence
[5]can sit in silence comfortably
[6]humour
[7]a special flicker in my heart when i see them
(not in order)

7 things I say the most:
[1]what was i going to say?
[2]sorry
[3]ok
[4]ha ha
[5]thats not funny
[6]i am starrrvvvving
[7]hey

7 celebrity crushes:
[1]nicole kidman
[2]ewan mgreggor
[3]eliza dushku
[4]jonny depp (in edward scissorhands)
[5]sandra bullock
[6]girl in coyote uly called rachel
[7]daniel radcliffe (shut up- i know your laughing!)

7 favorite drinks:
[1]milkshake
[2]milk
[3]green J2O
[4]milk
[5]apple juice
[6]pinapple juice
[7]ribena

7 memorable television shows I watched when I was little:
[1]digimon
[2]sliders
[3]quantem leap
[4]star trek
[5]oaky doke
[6]sesame street
[7]the simpsons

Weight, hair and sand in the bed.
well, i've lost 8 pounds so far in the last week and am feeling hopeful. i'm feeling like it's not to hard at the moment. worked out that if i lose weight at a healthy rate (which will slow down after the inital week) i will be down to my ideal weight for my height and build in 5 months. well its not that long if you think about it. and in that time my hair will have grown loads and i can't wait til its to my waist! i am determined to grow it that far. this also shouldn't be that hard as my hair grows so fast. Rach and Lee are coming over on the weekend so it should be a good one. Had an absolutely brilliant bonfire night with the afore mentioned two coming to that also, it was a beautiful night and a really good display. we hung out at the beach for a while afterwards and that was nice too but as the other two had a wrestling match i now have sand in my bed that is impossible to shift which must have sprung from various orifices of my two friends. so thank you v.much you two!

stuff
well, its school again (and hotmail is banned again- damn them!!!!!) i've started a new diet (again!) and im feeling... good actually. hee hee! bet you wern't expecting that were you?? im always so miserable and ive realised that i do sound like a stupid emo. well- it has GOT TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! firework night so soon! i must say that this is one of the best days of my year. seriously- i love it!! leek and potato soup in polystyarine (sp) cups- jacket potatoes in tin foil (obvious that im on a diet is it??) but also there are the beautiful sights of fireworks and bonfire. its usually a nice night aswell. i dont know what is but everytime on firework night i feel so happy. and so hopeful. as if everything will always, always work out. and it will work out in a good way. plus there is the joy of getting a free sparkler, lighting it, then running as fast as you can up to the flood wall sitting n it and still having some left to right you name with as you sit on the wall looking out t the reflections of the fireworks over the river. and then when the fireworks run out going so close to the fire that you face starts to roast. also the walk home which is usually fun- or funny. like last year mira and laura came and laura fell in a ditch and got stung from head to foot in stinging nettles. i nearly wet myself i laughed so hard. anyway- its o soon and i cant wait!!!! will talk about half term later.