spring time in winter
all my friends are all getting on so well! its so nice! im so happy for everyone.

friends, school and mum.
well mum rang last night and shes come home today. everyones told her that if she wants to helped by these people then she should stick it out but she really hated it there and that wont be any help at all so it probably for the best. well, its been an average day today, hung out with laura (shes in all of my classes and she helps me with admin too) and i got the form to drop biology which even though i know that its the right thing to do for me i feel kinda guilty because some many people are doing so much more than me and not complaining (one girls doing 5 AS's) but oh well. if it helps me to pass the others then thank god coz i was really struggling with the homework and so much of that was bio. anyway had better go and see mum. hope shes a bit less mopey.

mumma.
hi. just checking in i guess, the stupid school internets down so im in the libary again- cant wait til i get my computer. not really muck to say but ill probably waffle as usual. my ema's started so im going to the clothes show live this year which should be fun. checked my bank account again yesterday though and the weirdest thing- i suddenly had another £40! where on earth did it come from? oh well im not complaning. the doctors that had been visiting mum everyday since the last suicide attempt have suggested that she go into a mental hospital for a week. so shes gone to the new one in lowestoft, apparantly theres only about 5 others in there. she was quite keen on going except for leaving me home alone so me and non had to convince her that i was no longer a child. she rang up last night and it was horrible she said that you have to use cards to get through any door (mums terrible with technology) and that there were no windows. she said she wanted to come home. i advised her to stick it out. hopefully the doctors can sort out her medication once and for all. shes finding it so hard to cope at the moment that the house is a tad cluttered (not as much as it has been in the past) and so me and non have desided to have a good clean out and sort everything out for when she gets back. i ought to get home and feed the animals and put the washing in the machine so ill go in a sec. its lovely having the house to myself. the quiet. sometimes it gets lonely but then i play music or sing or something. plus the animals are there. its weird, i love the solitude at night but most people as so as their parents are away would instantly think- party! but all i can think of is- cooking! or independance. apparantly as mum was taken away (i was at school) she was going on to non how i was still a baby and she must take care of me ect ect. i never really realise how she suffocates me- im used to it. non isnt though and thinks its really weird. oh well. i had better go now. see you.

hello!
i am in the art room after school being a good little girl and helping out with the parents.
Rush is here and so is my new friend laura- hear that? i have a new friend!!!
laura says hello and pulls a funny face.
We are all having an interlectual convosation about cows falling from the sky. laura just made the very valid point of the pats though. anyway better go- ciao!

V.x

laaaaaaaaaa.....
la la la la la... thought i should update but i dont really have anything to say so bye i guess.

none
sitting in the art room and have just been inundated (god knows how you spell it!) with annoying little people. AHHHHHHH!!! nothing to say, dont know why im writng. bye.

wierd me.
well i said i wouldnt up date in a while but it seems as though i cant resist. been a very weird day. not sure whats going on. i feel as though im in a dream world...

Love, life and happiness.
i sounded so stupid yesterday. im the happiest i have been for as long as i can remember. i mean i get doubts and severe worries- nothing good ever lasts and this is too good to be true. but putting that aside all i can say is that im happy. i was so busy moaning yesterday (something that i do way too often) that i forgot to mention something. i went into registration yesterday and clare said that this girl called lucy (that i knew of and knew the name of but had never spoken to) had given her a necklase to give to me. "to give to vicky" so she knew my name and was giving me a necklace. that reminds me that there are good people in the world that make the effort even if they dont know the person. im wearing the necklace right now. its gorgous. she gave it to me because "she thought it would compliment my face and match my style" its a black lace choker with black beading hanging from it (coz im the only one with that kind of style at school). i forget that most of the year know who i am because i am different. i was moaning yesterday about it all but i shouldnt have. because i love it. really really love it. people know me. i, and people that i care about think that i look good and i love to be alone. that may sound wierd to some and it may sound like i am just saying that but i really do. i have the most over active imagination that you could ever dream of, and i love it. i disappear. no one has a clue just how much i dream and fantasize. i do it every single spare minute and even some of the minutes that arent spare. from the moment i wake up to the minute i go to sleep. thats not counting my dreams (that i usually cant remember). i can appear perfectly normal when im day dreaming. i dont really have a dreamy countanance and i dont really seem like a dreamer at all. i love it. i love the other world that i live in. it sometimes is horrible because my over active imaginination is seriously paranoid, im able to see that when im happy but when im a bit down it pains me to think of what others think of me. i hate it. im also quite insecure. i dont think that people who know me know this- maybe its obvious but i hope its not coz i dont want pity and i think people would hedge around me and i dont want that. i just wanted to correct myself from my silly and pointless entry yesterday, because i am happy. this is a good point in my life and i am going to make the most of it and bask in the glow of my incredably radiant emotions.

V.x

bugger all to be honest.
i've been reading back on previous journal entries (i have a wierd thing about doing this. and txt msgs too) and realised that i sound like a fucking primary school student (with the v.rare and occasional swear word) always sounding hyper and ever so cheery. no wonder no one ever reads it- i drive myself mad!!! ok, i've not updated in a while. theres not really much to say, well, i've been writing in my private a bit (ok. just now- fucking school computers banned woohu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate them!!! have resorted to using the public libary computers where every one can read over your shoulder.) i cant wait for the hut!!!!!!!!!!! or the cinema!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (made oh so better due to company- and it being totally free!!!!)(i will stop using exclamation marks now- promise) i have actually got a serious txting problem- in that i do it way, way to much, seriously its become a habit. although i havent txted that much today. only two. incredable for me. wierdest thing happened today, on the bus home (was on the stupid 588 instead of school bus coz of strike) so theres me, minding my own business when i hear someone squealing. i turn slightly in my seat, adjust my hair slightly to see, but before my eyes have focused POW a small squermy thing hit me in the stomach and starts trying to squeeze me to death- no, before you think that maybe it is a new genetic mutation allowing squid to live out of water i shall tell you that is was indeed laura. shock. an annoyance. i hate seeing people that you have not seen in a long while when you are not looking your best. and i wasnt. i dont look that great at the best of times but today my face looks crap, my clothing is really crap (grey and black t-shirt, odd length customised jeans, stripy socks, converses and assorted wrist cuffs) and my hair is abnormally crap due to the fact that it had been up in the morning then i took it down and made it go mad coz it looked kinda cool but then it went flat and blah blah blah but you get the picture. nothing much to say on the encounter really- shes not spoken or tried to get in touch with me all summer and now suddenly shes hugging like shell never let go. we said goodbye and went our separate ways when we got off the bus and i imagine that there will be any more trying to get in touch as there was before. to be honest im not that bothered, it seems like a different life to me now. im a complete loner. other than my oh what is it? 2 friends outside of school i have 2 friends in school that know me as "wierd" vicky as i refer to myself when with them (in my head not to them) one of them that i never see and one of them that insists on trying to touch me. in places. that are not ment to be touched by her. although that has now stopped MWAHAHA but she now insists on trying to steal my phone every 5 flipping minutes. AHHHHH. ok. so picture this. girl, 6 feet tall, red and black clothes head to foot, clumpy shoes, stripy tights, long black hair with red ends at the bottom and a fringe, vivid make up, over the shoulder grey bag at her feet, a folder also at her feet with writing on it saying things such as "still screaming" and "disturbed" and "pain for pleasure... welcome to my world" then place her in a school, full of people that wear nothing more adventurous than jeans, think anyone slightly different is a freak (and has no problem in letting them know it) and who sings "lady in red" (i fucking hate that song) to said girl who always happens to be wearing at least a little red. ok. rant over. sorry. btw, said girl was me (as u had proberbly gatered)

GCSE's
hey. i passed everything except leisure and tourism. no one seems to read this so im off to write to myself.

stufg. and even more about me.
gonna be a short entry i think for today- i dont see why not as nobody else seems to updating either. Rach came over today and we ended up watching coyote ugly, yeah ok, i know that tis utltimate CHEESE but there is an extremely attractive woman that dances on the bar- phwoorrr!! ok, the pervy me has now going into recess. nothing much has happened. Mark (sisters brother in law (32)) asked me to marry him (yuk) and said how fit mira was (she also said yuk) and had his head in my lap (it was covered by clothing, blanket and pillow.) after me, mira and my sister came home from skinny dipping (we didnt run in naked, we stipped once covered by the murky waters) i've never skinny dipped before and it was rather liberating, every thing floats. i was checked out by girl in norwich!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this of course has made me happy. also has my hair cut (pitch black, fringe, red tips. trust me, looks good or sexy depending who tells me.) also things that have made me happy is that i;'ve been told by 5 different people this week that they think i have a nice singing voice and by one person that my writing was good. this has made me SOOOOOO happy. but also things have made me sad. nothing in particular, i just over analyse things, worry to much and get sad at pretty much anything. any way, next entry i am planning to talk about me some more (its ok coz its MY journal so naah!!!) only im gonna talk about my past coz you guys dont really know of me before this journal do you? its only an idea any way so if there are any obgections- comment. or you can comment anyway. please do. i need proof that there are others out there that exist.

straight jcket is coming to get me. (joke).
Yeah but you don't phone me *whimper**shakes fist at vicky in jealousy* C x.

read back and found this comment on my journal. i then spent about 5 mins laughing aloud to myself in a small room. have no idea why. i fear that i may be going stir crazy.

pop tarts.
hey. first of all... i am not a pop tart angel... i never was, probably never will be. crumbs!!! yuk. anyway, i did have something to say but can't remember so bye off to write in private and maybe do a quiz.

norrrwich
hey people... back again. ummm... not really any deep emotional feelings today so i'll just talk about yesterdays excursion to dear old Norwich. well. we went to norwich. we being me, rach, her sister sam and her friend emily. had a really cool day, went to see fantastic 4 which was really good and bought some jeans which were to BIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was proberbly the best thing about the day despite the fact that i nearly had a spaz attack getting the jeans in the first place. bought kill bill one and two and shot you down on single. and slunt album which i was real chuffed to get. major wierd factor was that i saw lyds in hmv... it r4eally is v. peculiar lydia and rach being in the same place- i mean theres life with rach and theres life with lydia. then they mix. weird. anyway. this has been a v.v boring entry. sorry.

everything and nothing.
Hello. wooa this feels really weird. i've not written in ages so i've lost all of the old familiaity with the keyboard and also with my brain. my mind is always just this storm of thoughts and i have to try v.hard to get them into order to write down so i apologise if this entry makes no sence. (was reading back and hardly any of my others do either so you should have no problem)Well was at my grandma's memorial today. Was really very emotional and everyone cried- then we all went and had a party which i missed most of coz i was sleeping. yes. sleeping. found out yesterday that i may have an absess in my jaw, this is not only painful but have now found out that it maybe infected. Which in turn is making me feel like SHITE!!!!!! seriously every bone in my body aches as if a rather spry, large sumo wrestler has come along and battered me to the ground with a fire poker. like i said i feel bad. and this in turn is weakening everything else. i have come to the conclusion that i am a natrally weak person (despite my hidious giantess size) so this is not good. it has weakened my resolve to be happy happy and it has weakened the guard that i have put up to stop the pain or reality. so as my happy happy resolve was weakened i have of course been crying (i know i know, i always seem to be crying but beleive it or not i havent in a while) so i was lying in my bed aching all over and thinking. thinking how i always seem to put the worst pieces of reality into the back of my mind such as- shit gotta go this is my sisters computer and shes just come back! will try and come back again soon. (if anyone wants me to)

letting you know...
sorry bout that really long rambling entry and i thought that i'd just let y'all know that i can't really write many entries at the moment because my pc's mucked up, im not at school, the nearest libary is 2.5 miles away and i only do that trip when i have something else to do as well. so i speak to you when i can people.

pop tart angel. x