Weekend.
It's finally Friday. It's been a long week. But, hopefully I will be able to make plans and let loose. At the moment I have nothing going on, but hopefull that will change.
Oh man, today, I tell you what..some people are lucky I am not one of those rude Atheists. Two women from some Baptist church came to the door, and I made mistake number one: I answered it. Me, the Atheist. I tell you what, they would not shut up. Asking me to come to their church, they gave me a little booklet with these steps to accept Jesus into my heart, and I was trying my hardest not to laugh. I think they realised it to, cos from there it sounded more like they were trying to save me. They were almost begging me to accept Jesus. And during this was when I made mistake number two: I didn't tell the to go away! I swear, they were on my door step for like 5 minutes. LONGEST 5 MINUTES IN EXISTANCE. They told me if I ever needed anything, and they stressed on anything, to call them at their church or their personal cellphones. Which, they gave me the number to. But, as soon as they were out of sight and hearing distance, I shut the door and started laughing. Then threw away their card thing. I walked in the living room and shhok my head, that's when my mom said "You answered the door". I'm never answering the door again. Sigh.
But, at least I'm not one of those rude Atheists. I think religion is bogus, but if you want to believe in God or whatever, good for you. If it works for you, then good for you. If the promise of Heaven makes you less afraid of Death, good for you. It's not my thing. Never will be. But, I better go. Bye.
::
2009 25 February :: 1.44pm
:: Mood: envious
:: Music: "Love Story" by: Taylor Swift
Cos you were Romeo, I was a Scarlett Letter.
We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air
See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes
So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while
'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh
I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said
Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you
Cos I don't ever wanna leave you for dead..
Okay. Time for an update while I'm still feeling a bit chatty. I went to the Bone Doctor again today. Gahh. I wanted to knee him in the face so bad when he started messing with my arm. He pushed back on my shoulder, but pulled the rest of my arm forward. It hurt so bad, I was in tears. God, talk about embarrassing. But, he gave me some more Vicodin, and they set up my therapy schedule. I don't know it off the top of my head, but I think it's 3 times a week for 4 weeks. Doug said if I didn't like what the Doctor did, I'm going to hate Therapy. I believe it. I've also had a realization or two.
REALIZATION #1: I've decided what to be this coming Halloween. Yes, I know it's not for another 8 months or so, but I'm one of those weird people that plans it months ahead. I am going to be Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd. So, I need to make some changes for that to be possible. I need to change my hair. I'm getting my hair and eyebrows dyed brown, and I'm getting a perm. Not those frizzy looking tight curls, but looser ones. And, I have yet to decide on which outfit of her's I will wear, but, since wedding dresses are easier to come by, I might wear a wedding dress. For the scene where she fantasizes of marrying Sweeney Todd. So, people, get your cameras ready because this will be the only time you see me in a wedding dress. HaHa.
But, it was only one realization. But, I better go. Bye.
::
2009 14 February :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: eh
:: Music: "Moonlight Sonata" by: Beethoven
V-Day.
It's here. I'm glad it only lasts a day. It's the holiday single women hate. And I do not exclude myself from that category of women. Those who are lonely, bitter, cynical...but the ones that as soon as they get a card or some candy/flowers, they perk right up and say they've always loved this holiday. Contradicting what they said about hating it 5 minutes ago. Yes, that's me. HaHa. I mean, I've never really been fond of Valentine's Day, but, when you're in a relationship, it's easier to get through. But when you're single, you want to drop kick every happy couple you see. No pity please, I'm just venting. I will be fine tomorrow when every piece of chocolate is set at half-price. And it's Brie's birthday tomorrow, so I'll be happy when I see her open the re-gifted presents I am giving her. HaHa. I'm giving her some ear rings I never wear, cosmetic sponges, drawing pencils, candy, 2 nail polishes, and Sweet Pea body lotion. I didn't have any money to buy her anything, and I don't have the two available hands to make her something. I just hope she likes what I can give her.
::
2009 13 February :: 11.46am
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "Moonlight Sonata" by: Beethoven
Nothing but Classical music, books, and further arm slings.
So, yesterday, Mom and I went to the Bone Doctor that did my surgery. I got the stitches taken out--the front one hurt the worst because some skin had grown over the stitch--and then we did some x-rays. I swear I wanted to punch the x-ray technician for twisting and bending and pulling my arm the way he did. It hurt like hell. No joke. But, we looked over the x-rays in the room and the Doctor told me that I have to keep my arm in the sling for another(get this) 6 weeks! 6 more weeks of not typing as fast as I used to, 6 weeks of not being able to do my hair or make up, 6 more weeks of embarrassing showers because my mom has to help me, and 6 more weeks of having to control my OCD urge to scrub everything in this house. Mom wasn't the least bit happy either. I can't say I blame her because I am...scratch that...was the one who would help out with Ava and get her eady for school and what not. Oh well. Lately I have been trying to relax by reading my books, listening to classical music, and smoking cigarettes. Ha. But, I am not going to continue staying home for the next six weeks or so. I am bound to go mad at any moment. Luckily Jenny has offered to take me on a "date" sometime next week. Where we are going and what we are doing is a mystery to us both. We have no clue what to do.
I find it amusing to go to the grocery store now. People pass me and see my left arm in the sleeve of my coat, but they look and wonder where my right arm is. I have also had plenty of people stare at my arm in the sling as if they are trying to guess what happened to my shoulder. Slipped on ice and broke it? Abusive household(never, fyi)? What could have happened? I hate the real story. "I went to take a swing at my brother and my middle-aged shoulder gave out". HaHa. Some people in Lowell said to my Grandma "Wow, she must have really upset you, huh?". Joking of course.
I also seriously need something to knock me out at night. Because I have been sleeping downstairs on the floor(my Grandpa claims the couch) and even if I go to bed before him, I still wake up around 3-4 in the morning. Either his LOUD snoring wakes me up, the TV that was never shut off or turned down wakes me up, or both. So, this morning I was awake at 3:30. And even going upstairs didn't help much because Brie was in my bed, a couple hours later the kids had to get ready for school, and I kept getting woken up. Shit for sleep. So, I seriously need something that will knock me on my ass and make it to where I do not wake up until at least 9. HaHa.
Anyway, I have nothing else really new going on. Bye.
::
2009 12 February :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: Lazy, tired, and content.
:: Music: "I will be" by: Avril Lavigne
I will be.
There’s nothing I can say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain the tears they cry
Still you never said goodbye and now I know how far you’d go
I know I let you down but its not like that now
This time I’ll never let you go
I will be all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I’ll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing OK
I thought that I had every thing I didn’t know what life could bring
But now I see honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe 'cause you're here with me
And if I let you down I’ll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go
I will be all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I’ll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing OK
Cause with out you I can’t sleep
I’m not gonna ever ever let you leave
You’re all I got
You’re all I want
Yeah
And with out you I don’t know what I’ll do
I could never ever live a day with out you
Hear with me do you see your all I need
And I will be all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life (my life) I will be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing OK
I will be (I’ll be) all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life you know I will be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing OK
that one thing jess did..lol.
Dear Kayliegh,
I don't really know how to tell you this, I dislike your eyelashes. I think I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer, in a clown suit. And I saw you drive over my boyfriend. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that your driving sucks. I'm returning your Hanna Montanna underwear to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I was interviewed about the car you stole and your cucumber-fetishism is weird.
Go drown yourself,
Samm
(I got this from Jess's blog, so here it is if anyones interested)
dear (someone with whom you have recently spoken),
I don't really know how to tell you this, (1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4)(5) . I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)
1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
White - Our affair is over
Red - I'm joining the Convent
Yellow - Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Black - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're mean
Other -I dislike your eyelashes
2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When you sma cked my ass
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear
4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over
5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian's goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony' collection
None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other --The elephant in the corner
6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Sexy
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed
7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we're related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Silly - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks
8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - Your pet rock
Black - The pictures from Vegas
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montanna underwear
9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbour's dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards
10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Hate your cooking
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Was interviewed about the car you stole
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven't showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you
11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I'm off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I'm reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my ass as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose
12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don't hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself
Tomorrow.
So, tomorrow is the surgery day. My mom and I have to leave here anywhere from 5:30-5:45am. Gahh! I am very thankful for Jess though. She went and got me some m&m's, snickers, a sierra mist, and a card. She didn't tell me, probably because she knew I would protest. HaHa. Oh, and thank you Alex for your little tid bit in the card. HaHa. Thank you to those who are hoping the best for me.
Jess,
Thank you so much for everything, and that card is the best card ever! HaHa. And don't worry, I will definitely give you directions to my grandma's house so you can come hang out with me. I might just be bumming around in sweats and an over sized flannel shirt, but we can still have fun. And if Alex doesn't read this, tell the sympathy freeloader I said thanks as well. HaHa. And we definitely need to celebrate when I am fully healed. Fo Sho! But, even though it was only yesterday that you stopped by, I miss you already. But, better be off. Bye.
::
2009 21 January :: 8.30pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: "If I ever leave this world alive" By: Flogging Molly
Shoulder
Well, the other night I was joking around with my brother, and went to lightly punch him. While my arm was in mid air, no force applied, my shoulder popped completely out. It felt like a shoulder cramp, like when you get a charlie horse in your leg, but when I looked over, it looked disgusting. The top part of shoulder was over by my collar bone, and where it should have been was completely caved in. It has happened before, but it always pops right back into place. But, we went to the hospital and after some x-rays, they said that my tendons/ligaments were way too loose. So now, I am wearing a shoulder immobilizer and it sucks. I can't use my right arm at all, and the bone doctor said I can take my arm out of the immobilizer, but when I try, it's too painful, and it feels like my arm is going to pop out again. So, I leave it on. Here comes the worst part...
Next Thursday, January 29th, I have to have shoulder surgery. Yeah. I am not looking forward to that at all. And they said it would take me two months to recover, and on top of that I have to do rehabilitation therapy for my shoulder.
Then, my dad called earlier and apparently my Grandma had a suggestion. She wanted to know if I wanted to stay with her for a few days after my surgery. So, I am thinking about it. It would be nice. I wouldn't have kids or dog's jumping on me or bumping into me. And it is more relaxing there. So, I haven't decided yet, but I am thinking about it. Any opinions here? HaHa.
But, better go. It's hard to type. Just figured I would update, so you don't think I'm dead. HaHa. Bye.
Lately..
I am now on the third book in the Twilight Series. "Eclipse". So far it's a good book, unfortunately I haven't been able to read it much lately. I've been busier than usual. Hopefully this weekend will give me more reading time, or time to hang out. Because I swear, I am going to lose it if I'm forced to stay here all weekend. We were supposed to go with my dad this weekend, but he's going to be in South Carolina. So, maybe I will be able to relax this weekend. I highly doubt that, but, I still hope. Yesterday I had to clean the dining room lamp above the table, I had to clean the chairs in the dining room, and I had to do laundry. I was going to have to do dishes, but since Tanna was the last to do the dishes, her dishes were greasy and still had food on them, which meant I didn't have to do them, she did. I hate dishes. The sad thing is I would rather scrub floors, toilets, and all that deep cleaning stuff instead of do dishes.
So right now, I would definitely rather be somehwere else. Ava is screaming at the top of her lungs, she is trying to hit, kick, and bite me, and I am so sick of it. I am sick of this being what makes up my daily life. Screaming, Kicking, Yelling, Stealing, Biting, Hitting, Cigarettes, Cleaning, and what not. I deal with this everyday, while others sleep in until the afternoon. I wish I could sleep, I wish I had time to read, had time to dream. But I don't. I have to keep my head out of the clouds, or else I will get in trouble. If chores do not get done in a timely fashion, I get bitched out. But, it is pretty hard to do some of these chores, while watching a 3 year old hurricane who can scream so loud it will make your ears bleed. It gets very tiring. And, if I stay here this weekend, I will have to deal with it some more. Because god forbid any of the other kids help with her and the house. God forbid I try to get some much needed sleep. So tonight, I will be begging for an escape. Somewhere else to be; somewhere away from here. I wish there was a place to go on the weekends where not even a phone call can reach me. Somewhere I don't hear "I hate you" on a daily basis from a mouthy toddler. This is why I cannot wait until I become 18. I don't want to grow up, but if it means I can get away from this, then I am ready.
::
2008 25 December :: 5.48pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "On top of the world" By: T.I. ft. Ludacris & B.O.B.
Christmas Day.
Today is Christmas, and suprisingly we woke up later than I thought we would. We were going to wake up at about 7:30, but, I guess it was around 9 when we finally woke up. It was alot of fun. It was us, the Grandpa, and Aunt Beth. She ended up coming over this morning. We had two stockings each this year. One from "Santa", and then one from Wolverine/YMCA cos they "adopted" our family to help us out. So, it was a good Christmas this year. I don't really feel like going into detail about the things I got right now, because I am going to go watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas" with Ava, but, I hope everyone had a a good and happy Christmas. So, no more countdowns from me. Bye.
-Samm d'Massacre.
365 more days until next Christmas. HaHa, Just Kidding.
::
2008 24 December :: 7.40pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "On top of the world" By: T.I. ft. Ludacris & B.O.B.
Christmas Eve.
Tomorrow is Christmas; the day I have been looking forward to since about November. And now, it's all going to be over soon in less than 24 hours. Oh well, at least we are the kind of people that keep our tree up until the middle of January. HaHa. My Aunt Beth is supposed to come over tonight, but, we don't know if she's still going to. Then tomorrow morning she's going to be here and so will our Grandpa Bennett. So, I'm excited. I'm also really excited to see the reactions of Mom, Doug, Bri, Dylan, Montanna, and Ava when they open the presents I got them. I'm going to say what I got them all, but you can't tell. HaHa.
-Mom: A very nice photo album and I already put some pictures in there. Ranging from us kids, all the way to pictures of her as a baby.
-Doug: Two Stephen King books. The first one being "The Green Mile", and then "The Bachman Books", which is four novels in one book.
-Brianna: Fuschia Semi Perminant hair dye.
-Dylan: A Breaking Benjamin CD.
-Montanna: A Tinkerbell purse.
-Avalyn: "Parachute Pig". It's a stuffed animal pig that has a parachute with a back pack and all included. It's pretty cute, if I do say so myself.
So, that's what they got. Not much, but, I did my best.
Tomorrow, we will, of course, wake up early and have our usual Hot Chocolate and Cinnamon Rolls. We will open presents, enjoy them for a little bit, then chaos will erupt. We will have to all get ready to go to my Aunt Diane's for lunch/dinner. And HOPEFULLY we will be able to go to my Grandma Schrivener's tomorrow after Aunt Diane's. I love it up at my Grandma's. Especially around the Holidays. There's like 150 people packed into a double wide trailer(that's not the part I like, in fact, I loathe that part), and there's a million things of food, and as for dessert...oh boy. There's way more than enough to go around. There's everything from finger jello, to pies, to Ice creams, and more. I love it up there. Then the guest bedroom is always the official PS2 playing room. Everyone in the gathers and plays racing games, Guitar Hero, and more. Then of course, there is always Sabrina's husband Derrick and his Viking Hat while he's been drinking. HaHa. It's great times.
But, I have to try and stay awake because my mom and step dad need my help transporting the presents from their hiding spot to our house. And, I'm going to watch "The Dark Knight", and hopefully finish it because I have had it for 4 days and I have not been able to watch the whole thing. But, going to go do that. Bye, and everyone, Have a Merry Christmas. And don't forget to party hard. HaHa.
-Samm d'Massacre.
The strangest Christmas Enthusiast EVER.
::
2008 22 December :: 3.36pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "If I ever leave this world alive" by: Flogging Molly
Ah, Christmas presents.
So, on Saturday our dad picked us up at about ten, and then I passed out on the couch immediately after arriving at his house. HaHa. But, the best was Sunday morning. We got our presents from him, our grandparents, and "Santa". I have to say, I have my own personal favourites when it came to what I got from them. The first being a box of herbal tea I got, it has a few different kinds of tea in it. It has the following: Chamomile, Peppermint, Lemon Zinger, Wild Berry Zinger, and Sleepy Time. Then, the second is a shit ton of art supplies I got. I got acrylic paints, sketch pads, a variety of pencils, erasers, sharpeners, paint palletes, and 25 brushes of different sizes and kinds. Then my Grandma T. got me "Twilight" and the new T.I. CD "Paper Trail". Those are my favourites.
So, one of these days, you will think to yourself "Hey, where is Samm, and why hasn't she posted anything?". I will be locked in my room, painting masterpieces, listening to T.I., and drinking awesome cups of tea. HaHa. Just so you know, that is where I will be. Or dead. HaHa.
OH! I almost forgot!!! I also got a new movie! "The Dark Knight". I was super happy when I opened it and realised it was now mine. Now, I will have one, and Doug(shh. He doesn't know yet) will have one.
And there are still presents coming. From Mom and Doug, whoever drew my name from the hat on one side of the family, and then doug's parents and grandma.
But, better be off. Have to get laundry and some chores done so either Jess can hopefully come over, or so I can get closer to locking myself away with my presents. HaHa. Bye.
::
2008 17 December :: 11.53am
:: Music: "Love you till the end" by: The Pogues
8 More Days!!!
It's nearing closer and closer. And it's getting hellish at stores and malls.
Speaking of hellish, last night, me and my mom left to go to Muskegon at about 10 o' clock, and usually it takes us 45 minutes to get there...well, we were driving in a snow storm. It was hell frozen over on earth! It took us an hour and a half just to get there. And on the way there, we had a couple scares. Mom could not see the middle of the road, or where the side of the road ended, so we were basically just guessing on where we were supposed to drive. Then, the speed limit on the road we take is usually around 60 mph, well, we were only going 35, and some guy came up on our ass, at about 70 mph, went around us, and left us in a shit ton of stirred up snow, and that blinded us. The majority of the street lights were not turned on, so it looked like star wars out there with the snow flying directly into our windshield. Well, when we got to Doug's Grandma's house, we stayed for a little bit, and we would have stayed over and slept there if Doug didn't have to work, but then we were off. We had to go to Wal-Mart to get cereal, milk, dog/cat food, "white elephant gifts" for the kids' church, and something for lunch for Doug to have. We got all of that....and then some. And on top of it all, mom wasted a few dollars trying to grab stuff in the crane machine. HaHa. Well, the ride home wasn't as bad, but it was still pretty bad. And we were actually kind of surprised that the kids had school today. I mean, we were, cos of the weather and the roads, but we also weren't because this new super intendent is a dick. Yeah. But, we didn't make it home until about 1:30am. And I had to clear off the back of the van and help put away groceries on top of it. So, I didn't get to bed until 2am. Which is when Doug wakes up for work. I have to say, it was the first night in a very long time where I didn't get a headache the next day. So, I am happy that today I am not going to be depending on Excedrin or Aspirin. But, I have a feeling that might change once Ava gets home. She was kind of cranky this morning, but, I hope she got better during school. Then, I also have to clean up the dining room and clean out our back closet, which is a mountain of shoes and coats. But, it's better than the chores I had to do two days ago. Which included cleaning behind the toilet. Gahh. Gross. But the funny thing is, I would rather do gross stuff like that, than the dishes. HaHa.
::
2008 16 December :: 12.33pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "If I ever leave this world alive" by: Flogging Molly
9 more days..
It's 9 more days until Christmas, my favourite Holiday EVER. It's funny because I used to be all about Halloween, and I went to the complete opposite and went to Christmas. I think it might have always been my favourite, but I never realised it. Yet again, back when Halloween was my favourite Holiday I was into darker things. But, I should let you know, Christmas isn't my favourite Holiday for the religious reason. Not at all. I am an Atheist, so, I don't believe that mumbo jumbo about Jesus and what not. For me, it's the traditions we have as a family, and it's probably the happiest day for my family. Not because of the presents or the food, it's because we are all finally together. There's not as much bickering and fighting, which when it comes to the younger kids it is partially because of presents and food, but when it comes down to me and my mom and Step Dad, it's the family time.
So, it's in just a little over a week. And I am torn because I cannot wait for Christmas day, but at the same time, I don't want the anticipation to end. I like keeping the decorations up, and I love making the cookies and putting the frosting on them, I love Having the lights out at night and the only thing going is the tree and decorative lights in the dining room, I like the Candy Canes and Hot Cocoa. I love the feeling I get when I look out the window with a cup of tea or hot cocoa in my hand and I all I see is gorgeous white snow. I like the wreaths that are hung up on the door. I like making my Wintry welcome signs. I love waking up Christmas morning and seeing all of the kids smiling and laughing. I like the traditional Christmas morning Cinnamon Rolls and Coffee we have. If I could, I would live in that damn Christmas Land in "The Nigthmare Before Christmas". HaHa. I'm a dork and I am aware of it. But, hey, at least I am fine and content with that fact. Pretty Proud of it actually.
But, here comes my Christmas countdown. So, if you are grouchy around this time of year, hide your eyes from my blog. Because I can almost guarantee these posts will have at least one thing about Christmas in them for the next 9 days.
But, a grumpy little Three year old needs my help with getting colouring pictures set up. Bye.
Don't mean to flip flop..
But I am sick of feeling angry towards my dad. I am tired of feeling like all he does is blow the chances I give him. Once again, do not mean to flip flop, but I am done. I really am. And not done as in finished with him. I think me and him just need to have a heart to heart. No, he is not the easiest person to talk to, in fact, he is the hardest person I know of to talk to. About anything. Unless it's cars, Harley's, Tattoos, Music, or whatever else he is into. But, I really am just exhausted with this whole mess. And so I believe now it is time to clean it up. Try my best to make things work. Make things decent at the least. Any step forward would be better than this, right now. I think I am doing the mature thing, and also the best thing for us both. I don't want to have a bad relationship with my dad. I don't want the only things I say about him to be bad ones. I would really hate it if me and him ended up in the future with no communication or relationship with each other. I want to hear things from him first hand. Not from extended family members or my siblings. I don't want to look back on this and think "Why didn't I just talk to him about how I was feeling?".
So I am making the decision to talk it out.
"I think you guys just need to sit down and hash all of this stuff out"...I think you're right, Mom. And I trust you. So I am going to.
No more angry blogs about my father...I hope anyways.
Good times..
After hearing about my bad night, I am greatful to say I have a great friend who was willing to brave the storms to come out to my house. Jess, thank you so much. That made me night. And once again, I'm sorry I wasn't able to make it to your Birthday dinner. But, it was the first time in a LONG time you stayed at my house. First time in a long time anyone has stayed at my house. I had a good time. And usually you stay awake way after I go to sleep, haha. But, like you said, you were running on an hour of sleep. So, I can't really blame you for passing out as soon as I put the blanket on you. We didn't go anywhere, other than the store and Burger King, but we had alot of fun. We watched "Ghost Adventures" and made fun of the guy doing the show. "Are you touching me right now, Raymond?" "I don't care, I hate snakes. If I see one, I don't even care. I'm running away and screaming like a girl. I hate snakes." "No one should go out that way..in a shower...or naked." "Our gift to you is Aaron." "What the hell dude!" Good times, good times.
I want you to know I really appreciate you coming over last night. If it wasn't for you, I probably would have a horrible night. Thank you and I love you!
-Samm
P.S.- Thank you for the King Size Reese's Cups, Some of your Hershey's Bar, and what was left of your small fries.
::
2008 5 December :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: "It's all your fault" By: Pink
Father dearest,
It hurt on Monday when we saw each other at Brie's concert and you didn't say hi to me, or even acknowledge I was there. But, it's just getting ridiculous. I am going to let loose right now, because everyone who knows about you, knows I need to. You ignored me all night at Brianna's Choir Concert. No hi, no wave, nada. Okay, whatever, maybe you wanted to get in the Auditorium quick to get a seat. Fine. But, afterwards, you give all of the other kids a hug and say you love them and goodbye. What did I get? I'll tell you. A cold shoulder. If this is about me and dropping out of High School and getting my GED, you don't have to fucking treat me like I just told you I was addicted to heroin. You barely look at me, you don't say a word, until tonight.
Dad: So, you're not going then I take it?
Samm: No, I'm not feeling great right now, I have to help with Ava, and I have plans with Jess this weekend.
Dad: *Corners Samm* Are you mad at Allison[1]or something?!
Samm: Umm, no, why the hell would I be?
Dad: You didn't say anything to her all night Monday at Brie's concert.
Samm: I said hi and had a WHOLE conversation even about hair colour.
Dad: Fine.
[1] Allison is my dad's girlfriend. Right it seems to me that maybe she is running to my dad when I don't have a whole lot to say.
I didn't like the way you cornered me and towered over me, like you used to when I was a little kid. I wanted to cry, revert back to the five year old scared of her dad. I wish my mother had spawn me and the 3 other kids with someone nicer. Someone better. Someone who wouldn't go a month or so without a phone call or visit.
I would never pull the trigger,
But I have cried wolf a thousand times,
I wish you could feel as bad as I do,
I have lost my mind.
Alot of my blogs are about you. But, I wish that for once I could have a good blog about you. You crush that hope all the time. Right now, you are treating me like a disease. "Stay away from her, don't touch, barely talk to her, and don't really look at her". This damn song is on repeat. Because parts of it remind me of you. I wish we could have a good relationship. But, I am done trying. I'm the one making the attempt, and when I try to find common ground with you, you say "hmm, hmmph, uh huh, ok". Your usual responses. Like my ideas are stupid. And sorry to say this; Wait, strike that. Fuck being sorry. I'm done with that. But, frankly, your girlfriend, Allison, seems a bit stuck up. She tips her nose up everytime she's around us. Everytime I bring up a thought, she makes me feel stupid. With her polite frown and "hmm" remarks. Maybe thats why you think we didn't talk that night. I was doing the talking, she was just saying "hmm". One way conversation. I mean come on, why her? Now Brooke, she was the best. We were like friends, her and I. Her parents(I still call them Grandma and Grandpa Miller to this day) took us bowling, to karaoke, etc. Her dad was awesome. We all watched NASCAR together, he got me those "Metal Edge" magazines I loved, they both spoiled us. What happened? Fuck that up to?
You know Dad, I want you to be happy. But, lately, I just want you to feel half of the hurt I feel. So, if you are going to continue to ignore me, treat me like shit, make me feel like a horrible person, guilt trip me, etc..... then don't come back for me every other weekend. I want someone who is supportive, understanding, caring, loving, funny, genuinely nice, etc. for a dad. You try. But, you can't wear that mask forever. You can't pretend to be a family guy who loves to spend time with his kids. Because come on man, we know thats not true. Or, if it was, you wouldn't ditch them for concerts, parties, bowling, and, oh of course...Allison. Don't worry about me anymore. The tears will evaporate, my smile will come back..brighter than ever. And it won't be my dear old dad who gave me the thousand watt smile. It will be my mom. Because she is the definition of a parent. You are the guy who likes to pretend he doesn't have kids. Especially me because I am a High school drop out who had a pregnancy scare. Sorry we aren't all as perfect as you. Bye.
I'm so glad..
He makes everything seem at least a little better. Everything seems less complicated while the other guy is IMing and saying I am wrong. I guess maybe I am. Oh, maybe you are a sweet, innocent guy. Or, maybe(more like probably) not. And when I finally say to you that I'm done, you come back at me with "Not the first person to say that". Maybe because you push people away without realizing it. Maybe it's because you treat girls like they are just some prostitute you picked up from the streets. Maybe because you don't even know when you're doing it. Deny, Deny, Deny all you want. I'm done. Honestly. Completely. Fed up. Things seemed okay, for a little while, then I just started to ignore everything dispicable about you. I'm done ignoring them. Done pretending they don't exist. Done saying "He's not that bad". Finished. To all of you out there who support me, thanks alot. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you. Now, I am going to have a good conversation. With the guy who makes me feel like a person. Instead of the one who makes me feel like a pile of shit.
oh god...the conversations we have..
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
want me to make a rap?
Wall flower says:
how?
Wall flower says:
whats the topic?..lol
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
hmm
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
gimme some
Wall flower says:
umm.....eric chunn
Wall flower says:
I would love to hear that rap
Wall flower says:
lol
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
erica chunn
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
you gotta have fun
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
but not in that way bro
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
thats not how you treat a ho
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
wtf are you doin
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
what are ya thinkin bro
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
thats all i got
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
lol
Wall flower says:
it makes me laugh...I like it
Wall flower says:
lol
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
except your not a ho
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
DUDE I GOTTA RIGHT THis SHIT DOWN!
J A K E S T A Y # 3 1 says:
it needs to be quoted
Oh boy Jake, you sure know how to make me feel better about the assholes in my life. Thank you. HaHa.
(Copyrighted by Jake Stay. Any copying could result in a cap in yo ass)
::
2008 4 December :: 9.51am
:: Music: "Gives you hell" by: All American Rejects
Bit of a change in lyrics, but, only made em' towards a guy.
I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And you're still probably workin'
At a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Now where's your pickett fence, love?
And where's that shiny car?
It didn't ever get you far
And you never seemed so tense, love
I've never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are?
And truth be told, I miss you
And truth be told, I'm lyin'
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a girl
That's worth a damn
And treats you well
Then she's a fool
You're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
I hope it gives you hell
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
"Where did I go wrong?"
But the list goes on and on
But truth be told, I miss you
And truth be told, I'm lyin'
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a girl
That's worth a damn
And treats you well
Then she's a fool
You're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
You can look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a girl
That's worth a damn
And treats you well
Then she's a fool
You're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
(Hope it gives you hell)
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
(Hope it gives you hell)
When you hear this song
And you sing along
But you never tell
(You never tell)
Then you're a fool
I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song
I hope that it will give you hell
When you sing along
I hope that it will treat you well
::
2008 4 December :: 8.53am
:: Music: "Someday(I will understand)" by: Britney Spears
Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby
Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
Bitch, shut up.
You know, I tried to believe you when you said that you didn't really like him and that you were sorry for your actions. But, last night, hanging out across the street with you and the other two Sam's, that just got on my nerves. I really think you did it on purpose. Tried to hurt my feelings. Woo-Fucking-Hoo, you and Adam do shit. You better be prepared to hurt like never before because he won't date you just because you guys have sex. Some of the things you said last night, I just stared at you like "do you really think I want to know this?". It was just "me and Adam did this, Adam said this, We are going to do this, and look at what Adam did to my boobs" the whole time I was there.
Why in the hell did I find so much comfort in being friends with someone like you?
Why did I want your company in the past?
Last night made me realise that you are really a whore and a waste of my time and efforts. And today's your Birthday, but know what.. there will be no "Happy Birthday" wishes from me..nothing but sarcastic ones anyway. I save the real birthday wishes for my real friends. Then last night, standing there with you in Sam's breezeway, you told me what you were going to get for your birthday. "Adam's virginity". Then you smirked. Fuck you, you are nothing but a fucking whore. It doesn't really bother me that you and him are doing stuff, I got over that. What bugs me is that you continue to bring it up to get on my nerves.
But go on. Go on with your ways. Because I'm not going to be there when you turn around anymore. I'm done with you and your shit. You seem a bit pathetic to me and VERY obnoxious at this point. So good bye.
6 years means nothing to me. And obviously you as well. BFF's my ass. Peace out.
::
2008 3 December :: 1.19pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "It's all your fault" by: Pink
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful..
First time I talked to you in a few days. It was the first time you asked me how I was. Not the question I was expecting from someone like you. But, of course, the only reason you asked me was because I asked you. I hate that your only intention is to get laid. I hate that you only ask me how I'm doing if it's convenient for you. I do not expect a relationship with you. Why would I want one? You get jealous easily(and get this, we aren't even dating, imagine if we were), you think you are always right, you are a serial cheater, you are everything I need to stay away from. So why can't I easily break this chain between us? I don't even like you. So why do I feel stuck? To you. I think I might know the answer to that. I believe it might be because I'm afraid to be alone at night. I think that if I lose everyone else, and get rid of you, I will have no one to turn to. I know that's not true, but sometimes I feel like that. I cling to you like a security blanket and it's sickening. My friends know what you're like, and I do too. Why can't I listen to them and myself? But you know what's funny? Earlier when you called me "hun", it didn't make me smile like it used to. I didn't even smirk. I didn't blush. I didn't giggle. I think this flame has gone out. At least on my end. You're like poison to me. But I still continue to stay in your life, despite your toxic sentences and ways. I continue to say "I'm thinking of dropping him" to her, and she tells me I should do it. I know I should. And as bad as this might sound, I have someone else. Well, I don't "have" him, but things are going on. (Not what you're thinking) And I can't help but think, what happens if I lose both of you? I mean, getting rid of or even losing you won't be so bad. I could live. But, if things went sour between me and him, where do I go from there? I mean, he's the one who asks me questions like "How was your day?", "How are you right now?", "What are you thinking about?", etc. And guess what.. he doesn't ask me any of those things just because I asked him. He always asks them first. Makes sure I'm better than okay. And no, we are not "building a relationship", we are just flirting, but you know, at least he is nice enough to ask me those questions. Instead of just "What are you wearing?". I've dug myself this hole, and now I plan on getting out of it. It might be a little bit hard to climb back out, considering the hole is 11 feet deep and I'm only 5 foot 5. But, I am damn sure that my Bestie will help me out. She will reach her arm in as far as she can and pull me out herself. Because that's what we do for each other. We understand that we dug our holes ourselves, but we are still willing to pull each other out. And if she ever gets into a hole too deep, she needs to know I will pull her out. She's everything and more I could ask for in a Best Friend, and I love her for it.
So Jess....will you help pull me out?
::
2008 28 November :: 4.46pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Year of the Cat" by: Al Stewart
When your eyes turned grey, could it be I made them shine awhile?
I need to get away. I need to get out of this house...soon. I'm tired of being cooped up and bored. I need social interaction other than MSN and Eric on webcam. I try making plans, but it seems lately that something always goes wrong. Tonight, I need to get out of here. Leave for a while. But, I'm not sure how that's going to go. I don't like admitting this really, but, I don't have many friends anymore. I mainly have two. I don't have many others. Kayliegh, and Jess. I used to at least hang out with Aubri during the day, but, since that incident I don't talk to her much. My sister tells me things like "Aubri asked how you are...and she said hi". Whatever. But, I don't have much else to update about. Bye.
::
2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.
Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey
(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
::
2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.
The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.
So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.
::
2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.
"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".
That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.
It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.
But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.
I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.
Give her a warm welcome, everyone!
Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.
So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.
[edit :: 3:46am]
Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.
I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.
But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.
Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.
Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.
My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.
I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.
My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.
At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.
So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.
Thanks.
* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]
