This Is My True Freedom

:: 2005 5 May :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the way things are - fiona apple

neon insomnia
midnight black descending
small illuminations brightening
brilliant reds rushing by
whites and yellows fast as light

traveling unknown cities
windows open to silent pities
bursts of wind mingled in gold
wild hair a testament too bold

sleepless nights a catalyst
for mangled thoughts in a twist
highway to nowhere coming soon
underneath a crescent moon

faster and faster, accumulating speed
open roads full of aching need
headlights blinding near catatonia
just another case of neon insomnia

:: 2005 9 May :: 1.41pm

don't move
stay right where you are
talking can only give you away
so nothing to say

the voices say hello
imprisoned, they're invisible
we look a lot alike
we look a lot alike

this is boring
all we talk about is you
come on, give me a reason
a boy and his machine gun

when you're finished struggling
are you free tonight?
did they stick you in here
cause you weren't working right?

don't move
stay just like you are
you look sane, motionless like that
so very flat
it's amazing what velocity can do
when human beings are in season
a boy and his machine gun
if you're quiet, we might see some!

when you're finished struggling
are you free tonight?
did they stick you in here
cause you weren't working right?

there's a tv in every room
and it's free, even pay-per-view
which you'll need if no one's gonna visit you, animal
animal

i know who you're waiting for
no one's coming, though
no one's coming, though

so, fuck you and your principles
and fuck whatever made me
perhaps you think i'm evil
what does it matter if we're crazy?

:: 2005 3 May :: 1.04am

are you going to do something that matters?

ever?

:: 2005 27 April :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: elsewhere - sarah mclachlan

of the time, and inbetween
have you ever looked into the mirror, and realized what you were looking at?
if you looked in the mirror everyday, and just one day, you just notice who you are. and how you've changed from one year to the next.
three hundred sixty five days of seeing yourself and in one of those, you're watching yourself change. watching yourself grow up.

i think its supposed to happen on birthdays. or at least, thats what should happen on birthdays.

tonight i looked at myself in the mirror, and i didnt just stare at the reflection. i saw myself. and even though i've seen myself almost every day, it was different. i looked older, i guess. its difficult to explain unless you've actually experienced it.

but maybe no one experiences it. maybe everyone does.
and maybe its just me, stressing about school, and my birthday, and how the next year of my life will unfold.

half of me is hoping that someone will notice. it feels like it just happened overnight sometime, and people will be just as taken aback as i am.
if they dont notice, which i dont think they will, it'll just be me. finally fitting into my own skin. and that half of me wants it to keep it to myself. a secret of sorts, but more personal.

anyways. i should be sleeping.

:: 2005 29 April :: 1.01am

rape

8 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2005 29 April :: 1.09am

his hands
for your diamonds

:: 2005 27 April :: 12.52am

don't fool yourself.

:: 2005 22 April :: 7.01pm

i want to
i want to be someone else
or i'll explode
floating upon the surface
for the birds

you want me?
fucking well, come and find me
i'll be waiting
with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
and nothing

you want me?
well, come on and break the door down
you want me?
fucking come on and break the door down
i'm ready

:: 2005 22 April :: 5.30pm

:: 2005 15 April :: 11.17pm
:: Music: Blood Brothers::Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck

Liquid Fire
You spread your disease and you know it's contagious
You're filling our veins with fire and it's just to enrage us
And as the syringe is emptied of all it contains
The virus flows through me and I'm breathing your flames

I'm a flammable liquid and it's raining lightning
And I'm just waiting for your lies to spark and ignite me,
As they scrape against the truth I can feel the explosion
You can watch incineration at it's best in this fiery ocean

:: 2005 11 April :: 10.44pm

open
listen
end

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2005 10 April :: 10.27pm
:: Music: The Killers::Believe Me Natalie

Sun scorching orange, cherry ember red
Fire coats the gasoline soaked cement
And the shards of glass on the ground reflect,
A thousand pictures of the accident
_______________________________________

Meh..something.
It's nothing.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2005 9 April :: 11.24pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: don't die in me - mirah

past, present, and future tense
what is life?
im sure you can read books upon books describing the meaning of it, whether it is love, art, adventure, or change.
maybe its one of those things. maybe its passion, or inspiration, or nature.

i dont know.
but put your life in perspective with the rest of the universe. on such a large timeline, with billions of people, and billions of years before you , its like you dont even exist.

but there is still all this pressure from the world to do great, to be great. that if you are not famous, you are not worth remembering.
what kind of life can we offer future generations if this is the way things are now?

it seems to me, that all those legends before us; galileo, aristotle, newton, and hell man, even elvis.
they are legends in themselves because they did what no other person in their generation did. they broke the mold in a certain area. something that has never been tried before.

hence what bothers me. we've tried everything. we've done peace, war, experimentation, medication, television, bombs, cancer, rocketships.
the future is either bleak and barren, hardly supporting life, or it is technologically advanced. it cannot be both.

:: 2005 4 April :: 2.26am
:: Music: The Faint::Dance Macabre

The bandages can come off, scars have formed.

New wounds are ready to be made
I feel it again, that feeling of warmth
I'm ready for another masquerade

:: 2005 1 April :: 11.31am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: A Perfect Circle

These thoughts fall like water.
-My vertebrae; this column of bone, nerve endings, and veins pumps sensation and blood throughout my body.
Energy is failing.
Like a knife you cut deep into my spine. And these cuts are stinging from the rapid flow of my blood. Falling short, my fingers and tongue.
[Insert Subject Line] Landing and splashing to form puddles of new consciousness. I haven�t [felt] anything in ages. And all the while my mind has been so numb, and numbness comes when a feeling is too overwhelming to handle.

And I�m somewhere else.
My mind is somewhere else.
My thoughts are somewhere else.

Someplace too far for you to reach.
[Good]

Even I have trouble trying to breach the walls of this celestial paradise.
--And yet I can�t keep myself out.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2005 31 March :: 1.20am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: goodnight and go - imogen heap

its bad enough we get along so well
i love how only two people read this.

im pretty close to being nocturnal.
but when you sleep in until 3 in the afternoon, you feel like you missed half your life in that one day.
and though i am more productive in the wee hours of the morning, i find it particularly lonely, because no one is online.

i have a website. [www.velut-luna.org]

my addiction to psp is horrendous.

:: 2005 29 March :: 11.17pm

i would rather someone tell me "i hate you" than "get over it."

"get over it" implies that i cared in the first place.

:: 2005 29 March :: 12.06am

people post the most boring, uninspiring, unimportant, lame, annoying, immature bullshit and yet their posts are flooded with comments. it's ass-kissing mania:

"wow, man, that post about the parties you hit up this weekend was, like, so totally rad. keep the thoughts (and the beer! chya bra) flowing!"

"like, omgz! tiffany is SUCH a slut! J/K! brad pitt is all mine! tee hee. see you at the fashion club mtg 2morrow! *mwah* buh bye hun!"

calvin klein forbid you think.

but let's not forget - if people write this much about their petty existences as they are, imagine what would happen if they actually had lives that mattered! gee golly, we would be reading novels every night! thank goodness we have nothing important to face in our lives! -wipes sweat from brow-