every day i think about all of the things in this world. the many many things. the materials. buildings, pencils, cars, clothing, paper clips, paper, bottles, phones, tvs, cds, furniture, electronics, jewelry, things. i walk around at school and there are all of these things everywhere. just things. i don't see humans much. the things walking around just remind me of robots. i walk so slowly and stare at everything as i pass it. it frightens me to look at these large concrete/metal/wood structures around me. i realize that all of these things are not out of the ordinary to any normal passerby; the human race has a hard time looking beyond anything other than that which slaps them across the face. these are "normal" realities of our lives, apparently.

there's so much stuff. so many people. i become anxious and overwhelmed just walking down 1 street in detroit that's not even a mile long. all of these things being created, used, wasted, destroyed, all at the exact same time. so i begin to multiply the cars, the exhaust, the sky, the clouds, the trees, the granules of concrete, the people, the candy wrappers, the 100 multiple choice question tests, the shoes, the glasses, the fake nails, the shampoo, the hamburgers, and the condoms by billions, and i try to get a picture in my mind of what this world looks like. the lakes drowning in oil spills, the rain forests drying up and their inhabitants starving and disappearing, the ozone layer breaking down to oxygen because of chlorine in the air, the trees being planted, the aluminum cans being re-used, the people falling in love, the bodies being blown up, the babies being born and aborted, candles being blown out and lights turning on, cell division and cell suicide. there's so much going on every second of every day. and this is one tiny planet in one tiny galaxy. tiny.

and then i go to class. chemistry 1000, in an auditorium of about 200-300 people. i sit alone every day, which is how i like it. i don't feel like i fit in with humans. never have, probably never will. other species make more sense to me - they do not make life harder than it is, and they do not rape. so i sit in silence and overhear the droning conversations surrounding me on all sides. they complain about school. they complain about weather. they complain about technology. they complain about the professor's hair or clothing, the homework, the tests. complain, complain, complain. i have never heard, "i feel amazing because i am alive." i have never heard, "i can walk. i can see. i am so fortunate."

we turn on faucets and clean water flows out. we turn on thermostats and heat radiates. we turn keys and engines start, and cars take us places. microwaves make our meals. farmers grow our food. we have public education that is free. we have access to books, films, and other sources of information at the drop of a dime. we can say what we want; believe what we want; worship dieties as we please. but we are not the world. this is not all there is. there is life beyond our grasp of attention or desire of knowledge. girls and women are being raped, beaten, murdered. men are being taught that this is okay. children are being brought up to hate. people are dying. dying. suffering. spitting up blood, coughing up bits of organs, losing limbs, choking on their own vomit and saliva. people are dying. not dying peacefully in their sleep. they are being tortured to death. terrorists killed 200 children in russia. people are dying every single day in iraq. there is an ethnic cleansing genocide in sudan. women in bangledesh are scarred with acid. 1 in 3 women in the united states is abused by a partner. how can you just keep going? how can you care about cars and clothing and mansions? parties and beer and weed? how? how are you able to carry on?

i just want to know if there is a how-to-ignore-everyone-and-everything class that i missed out on.

the end is here