With August's final hellish bellows, I found you,
Fingernails thicks with loam, hands and knees strained and filthy
With answers to neglected questions she left in your untended fields.
We spent the night searching the cool air for its sweetest scents.
I remained
In harsh Midwestern winter we tread clumsily,
Like feet asleep, across each other's tender knuckles.
In the field we dug trenches just to smell fresh earth.
At night I washed our hands in bleach to watch the stains fade.
We continued
Filling our trench with smoke and silence,
I unwrapped your bandages for months, scraping away old blood
As I swelled with my own forgotten cells until my cracked hands grew blurry
And in the harsh white light of your dim room I screamed at your nakedness.
::
2008 20 August :: 3.53am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: the sound of settling - the string quartet
that night, a forest grew
summer is winding down, and i'll be back at school in about four days.
these past few months have been odd, and it feels like no time has gone by at all. i'm in a weird place, too -- my best friend's mother was murdered last week. the funeral was monday; the first funeral i've attended, and though i didn't go to the viewing, i still managed to see some of her and it was-- it was so horrible. i had to fight the urge to walk out of the church, certain that i couldn't go through with the rest of it.
she was just so empty.
it hurts to even think about.
the tropical storm hit today, though everyone tends to shrug off these things unless it's at least a category 2 or 3. after so many hurricanes i've become almost numb to the thought of them. the only people who are actually terrified of them are tourists caught on the tail-end of their vacation.
and in a few hours i'll finish doing the laundry and slowly begin packing up my things for next year. here's hoping it won't be as stressful as the last.
med vind i vårt hår
jag gillar inte honom längre, och vi har inte tillrekligt med pengar för nästa skolåret.
men det kommar att vara okej. just nu jag bara lässar böker, lyssnar till musik, och försörkar att förstår mitt liv. imorgon ska jag gå ut och känna solen på mitt ansikte, och hoppas att den kan ljusa sökvägen.
::
2008 3 July :: 11.18am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: skin is, my - andrew bird
a change in the weather
leaving for new york in about thirty minutes. my parents, naturally, think i will die as soon as i step off the plane. their confidence in me is truly astounding.
things lately have felt as if i've just been waiting -- hanging by a thread on some unmade decision which i can't begin to imagine. and as soon as this decision is made, my life will take off for heights unknown.
The Envy Corps - Party Dress
Whatcha gonna do when the walls burn down?
Whatcha gonna do when the black ash flies from your mouth?
My head had forgotten what my hand had done,
But I could not imagine such frightening fun as dying.
Try as we might, this is a waste of time.
Tongues of hell drip with a four beat count
Fizzing up the sedatives that flew into my mouth like locusts.
You could see the flames if they weren't so colorless.
You could feel the heat from my silk sharp dress as it flowed on and on and on.
If you weren't so precious, I'd have said "Off with your head"
venus was a fly trap
the man you loved devoured
i used to dream about your sister
standing in the shower
but i was never cool
you thought i was a cowboy
i wonder where my gun is
can you spare a bullet, senorita?
i will always be the worst
generation X-wing
that's got to be the death star
i used to dream about the future
i used to dream about a lot of things
but i was never cool
so you can call me loser
yeah, you can call me
anything you want to, senorita
i will always be the worst
help me up with
a pair of wings
a little rope
all those things
she always said i'd find the cure for cancer
i read my horoscope but i just can't pull it off alone
Senior thesis statement
"Arab American men and women developed complicated gender identities based around combating Arab stereotypes and their consequent desire to assimilate to American culture. This was accomplished by still maintaining a strong Arab identity through using American institutions as vehicles for Arab purposes."
Research being conducted in Dearborn and at Naff Arab American Archives in Washington DC.
i can tell you how this ends
i think the high price of gas is GREAT!
people are supposedly driving less and less, which means a decrease in pollution, noise, congestion, and isolation behind metal and plastic encasing.
a latency effect is an increase in social contact and interaction. perhaps more human touch. more exercise. more cooperation.
of course, it could also bring about a lot of crime. a lot of anxiety, depression, frustration.
this is a really interesting situation and time to be alive. it's exciting. things are happening. let's see what the fuck we can come up with to destroy or save ourselves.
::
2008 21 May :: 12.13am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: china girl - anna ternheim
i hear her heart beating loud as thunder
things i must remind myself of every day:
o1. the interstate is not the autobahn.
o2. not everyone understands doctor who references.
o3. you will not die in a freak car accident.
o4. eat breakfast. and lunch.
o5. you can do this. you can do this.
nineteen today. i feel amazing and loved and mature, mature, mature. i have an internship for which i must drive three hours every day, but i don't mind.
