This Is My True Freedom

:: 2004 28 June :: 12.40am

i really just want to write.
your worst enemy is fear. mine is fear too. we're all so scared of everything. scared scared scared. fear is almost always a catalyst in these decisions of life. scared to do something, so we don't; scared of what will happen if we don't do it, so we do. all these comfort zones fueled by fear. fear of breaking out and being alone. fear of hearts breaking. fear of love. what are we doing here? what do you fear? why? what aren't you doing? what aren't you living?

give yourself a chance. you can do this. you really can. anyone can live. have you ever really tried to love or to love yourself? don't you see everything you can be? you can be anyone. you can see anything. you can love anyone. you have this freedom. you're alive.

look deeper. try harder. think more. listen more. talk less. love.

we can make this world work. all of us, we can do this. we can love each other and we can be happy.

:: 2004 26 June :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: green day

you almost make me happy
maybe life is scary, but it�s also exhilarating. you know, it�s kinda like skydiving or something. you do it.

it scares the crap out of you and it might make you puke.

but it was probably the most fun you�ll ever have. if you�re too afraid to jump out of the plane, you might be safer, but you�ll miss out on all the fun.

4 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 25 June :: 5.31am

that's right
officially smitten. hard-core.

5 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 22 June :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: the small print - muse

i'm bending the truth
Looking into oneself has become cliche, in a society where writing down your innermost thoughts for the world to read is a common occurence.

Some people take time off, others hold people at an arm's length, while others hold on tightly to whatever they can hold on to.

Because somewhere in a kitchen there could be a woman stopping the dishwasher, her yellow-gloved hands in the soapy water, gazing out the window, realising that she always wanted to be an actress but had become a mother too soon. On the other hand, there could be a spinster in a rocking chair, crying over the child she had aborted when she was young, feeling more alone than ever. And maybe, in a hospital somewhere a doctor could be holding up a newborn by its ankles, marvelling at the miracle he had just performed. Elsewhere, who knows, a college student could be cheating in an examination, to meet his parent's expectations.

As for me, I lie in bed till 2 in the morning, writing about my passions and dreams in black ink, thinking back on past experiences, present circumstances, and the mystery of the future.

Thinking of past lives, of threads and stars. Of Universes in one's palm. Of portals into the soul, of lost convictions, postcards and passports, of jumping from one mountain to another.

Self-introspection leads me into viewing my Life in some basement, a slice of dust-light from the projector beaming images, episodes, and sketches of the quilt I'm slowly stitching together.

And I watch my Life so far with a smile, bittersweet, and sometimes I laugh out loud, and cry. Most of the time I keep quiet, watching the slideshow in awe. Everything I've ever held close to my heart, I watch.

Elementary notebooks filled with summer drawings. The cresecendos and lulls of my favourite songs. My first paperback book. The sting of a palm slapping my cheek. My mother's laugh. Watching a plane take off from behind an airport window, shielding my eyes from its silver brightness.

Fingers intertwining. The taste of tears, saying goodbye at the airport. The shock of hearing about someone's cancer. Seeing a wedding. Beautiful sunsets I've collected, midnight walks. Slipping stones into my pocket.

Looking back, looking within.

:: 2004 18 June :: 1.51am
:: Mood: bored

O Fortuna,
velut luna
statu variabilis,
semper crescis
aut descrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurat
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem,
potestatem
dissolvit ut glaciem.

Sors inmanis
et inanis,
rota tu volubilis,
status malus,
vana salus
semper dissolubilis,
obrumbratam
et velatam
mihi quoque niteris,
nunc per ludum
dorsum nudum
fero tui sceleris.

Sors salutis
et virtutis
mihi nunc contraria,
est affectus
et defectus
semper in angaria;
hac in hora
sine mora
cordis pulsum tangite,
quod per sortem
sternit fortem
mecum omnes plangite

4 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 17 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: REM

this is how i've felt all week!
shiny happy people laughing

meet me in the crowd
people, people
throw your love around
love me, love me
take it into town
happy, happy
put it in the ground
where the flowers grow
gold and silver shine

shiny happy people holding hands
shiny happy people laughing

everyone around
love them, love them
put it in your hands
take, it take it
there's no time to cry
happy, happy
put it in your heart
where tomorrow shines
gold and silver shine

shiny happy people holding hands
shiny happy people laughing

:: 2004 15 June :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: tomorrow i'll be you - thursday

a king's morale is like a hurricane; empty, but for the force of its gale.
oh, writing time again.

what now.

well. i slept at lyn's house, and went to bed at 5:30. the same day i was dragged to the mall by my mother to find pants, with no luck. instead i got a corduroy jacket. score.

yesterday i went shopping with lisa and got clothes, a purse, and a cd.

a two-disc compilation of the 2004 warped tour.

today i went to the mall again and found one pair of pants.

anyways, im having a hard time with myself. i want to talk to everybody, do everything i can before i leave.

but i also want to be alone to think and read and create.

there was marching band camp today. it was only 1 and a half hours and we practiced music. which is to be expected. hardly anyone was there. only like 11 people showed up.

i want for one person to see everything of me and like it.

just everything. at my best and at my worst. and everything in between.

sigh. wishful thinking.

oh man. i was really creeped out when we were at burdines. we were walking through the men's department to get to the exit and it was deserted, man. deserted. one random person would walk by every 7 minutes. approximately.

i had the strangest feeling too. but i couldnt quite put my finger on it.

almost like you know what something is, but are lacking the terms required to describe it.

its eerie.

back to reality. the fresh market at bell tower is a conspiracy to steal souls to sell on the demonic black market. that store is way too perfect.

at least, thats what me and carrie think.

:: 2004 13 June :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: franz ferdinand

good times, good times
The Altoid Life
Starring: Speedy and Rina
aka Andrea and Carina

Scene 1:

(Rina is sitting on the couch watching Pirates of the Carribean.The front door opens and Speedy comes walking into the apartment.)

Speedy: Hola Gola Go!

(Speedy tosses an Altoids container to Rina)

Rina: Wow, Speedy! Are these the NEW kind?

Speedy: Why, yes they are, Rina the Monkeyinthemiddlator....I had to kill a man in Reno to get them.

Rina: Wow! How did you know I was craving this flavor?

Rina and Speedy: (together) Psychic!

-End Scene-

:: 2004 11 June :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: restless suite

there's a traitor here, beneath my breast
i just felt like writing.

like maybe if i keep writing the right words will come out and everyone will know how i feel.

but the trouble is, i kind of dont know how i feel. im just.. blank. im not hungry, or tired, or happy, or sad. im just.. nothing.

you know, i think that if a person were left in a room with absolutely nothing to occupy themselves with, they would go insane.

i cant function on an afternoon when all my priveleges are taken away. i just cant. i will sit there and be absolutely insane until i can find something to do. but it isnt like my mind isnt always doing something. its always thinking about things that have been thought of before, just rearranging everything to make it seem better or worse. and it takes all these memories and says 'if you did this, what wouldve happened?'

and i will sit and think of everything i cant change.

i, honest to god, need something to occupy myself with. to stick me in a room with no color and nothing but myself in that room.. well, crazy doesnt even begin to cover it.

and now im just rambling off on something that probably only makes sense in my mind.

like two nights ago, i dreamt the whole night.

and i remembered some of it in the morning.

which is hard because i had the same dream the whole night. my dream never stopped, i never got a new one. it was the same one, except parts of it changed. evolved, you could say.

and some of it is so hard to describe because i swear that i have a.d.d. or some nonsense like that.

because, my brain will automatically link topics together by some familiarity that only i know. so when someone is talking to me, my brain goes zapzapzap. and then, i talk and it is completely random and ridiculous to the person who is hearing it. although it is completely logical to me.

anyways. this dream i was having. it was my brain making connections to a whole bunch of different topics, so by the time the dream ended, it was dramatically different from when it started.

and im just happy i can remember my dream at all. even if its only a few tidbits. because for some reason i dont remember dreams unless im sick or congested.

oh, good lord. i hope it isnt a foreshadowing of me getting sick. because that would suck.

i hate how illness can come at the worst times. and you feel so selfish thinking that the cold is so inconsiderate of your schedule. its not like the cold can help itself.

so im leaving for sweden on the 27th. and i will get to be with my relatives for maybe a week and then i have to go to sparreviken. sparreviken is this conformation camp. and its a month and you do all sorts of fun nature-ish things like hiking, and sailing, and camping, and canoeing.

how the hell do you spell canoeing? canoe-ing. fuck the english language, i say. we americans already butchered the hell out of it. and the grammar is just a bunch of rules. but there are 5 million exceptions to that one rule. and it just confuses the bejesus out of everyone.

well, anyone not english. or american.

what was i talking about anyways?

oh yes. well, this camp i am going to. i will only know one person. my cousin felix. and he is 15 also. but i havent seen him for, what, 3 or 4 years?

i can tell you that its just going to be a giggle.

but im seriously scared about coming back to school. i will have jetlag from hell. and i wont even get to go to the orientation thingy. where i find out where all my classes are.

and oh, we got report cards yesterday. well, i think it was yesterday.

oh man, you will not believe how bad of a memory my sister has. its kinda funny.

anyways. report cards. i got an F on my alg II final, you guys know that already. so go me, because i had a C for the quarter. hell yes.

then, i got a B on my biology exam. WHAT NOW? i just thought that was freaking awesome. i screamed really loud. and then my sister yelled at me. but A in that class for the quarter too. A's for everything else.

i passed my english final. whoa.

speaking of which. in my dream i had a fit because i couldnt find my vanilla lotion. my mom said we were leaving for sweden the next day and everything was packed. except, everything was in cardboard boxes. and we were in my friend's garage.

im not sure what that means.

but i am pretty sure that this will be one hell of a long entry.

or maybe not. i can only tell how much i write by this scrollbar next to my box and it doesnt look like the face thing is getting any smaller.

well, it made sense in my head.

i think im going to go listen to some music and think of things to do.

god, do i just love summer vacation.

:: 2004 9 June :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: relaxed

i fell into the moon and it covered you in blue
today was not boredom-til-insanity, amazingly enough.

me and lisa went to bath & body works at the bell tower because they were having a ridiculously huge sale. which is good. i got some vanilla stuff.

if i could smell like anything in the world all the time, i would smell like vanilla.

then we went over to barnes & noble, where i got a caramel frap, and a journal. but its really small and thick. and black. hardback. whee.

then we got to go grocery shopping. which is fun when you run around. and slide on the floor, but shh, lisa doesnt know i do that.

holy mother of cows.

today we had a very fierce storm.

it was right above us. it was exhilarating. there was hardly a second between the thunder and lightning. and the thunder shook my window and made some vibrations through the walls. the power was out too, so we lit candles.

and for maybe half an hour, i just sat staring at my candles and listening to the roar of rain outside.

dont ask me why. i didnt even realize i was sitting there for that long. it seemed like 10 minutes at the most.

Rina	:: 2004 6 June :: 1.28pm :: Mood: accomplished hey, wow. i just now woke up. and it's 1:28. go me. 5 day[s] remain \| the end is here

alastar

:: 2004 5 June :: 3.06am
:: Music: MADTV

It�s so cool how you can play alive
While we both know that you�re dead inside
Can we stop this defenseless fight?
I�ll walk away, but keep you in sight
And it�d be easier for me to stay
But you�re too hard to tolerate

This life is like a game, that will never end
I�ll wait in the rain, for my time to begin
I�ll call out you�re name, and hear silence again
Nothing can change, if you�re still my friend

I�ve always told myself things will be alright
Keep your head above water and you won�t die
But the world weighs down on me with so much dust
I�m done treading water, I�ve had enough
I need to stop this defenseless fight
But this won�t end no matter how hard I try

It�d be alright if you didn�t hurt everyone
The light is growing so it�s time to run
I�m tired of hiding inside this shade
The sun is coming now, you just wait
This fight has been through a thousand eclipses
And if I had the chance I would never relive it

8 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 3 June :: 1.41am

mandatory participation
i'm taking suggestions for the topic of my next journal entry. that's right, you - the reader - get to decide my next journal entry's content. once everyone suggests a topic, we'll vote on one.

:: 2004 2 June :: 11.49pm

L	Luscious
A	Altruistic
U	Unreal
R	Refreshing
E	Enchanting
N	New
C	Creative
E	Exciting

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Rina	:: 2004 31 May :: 10.19pm a boy with blue eyes and a hunger for destruction is luring me to the dark side of the force. there's no saving me now. the end is here

:: 2004 26 May :: 2.10pm
:: Mood: obligated
:: Music: ride - the vines

"The intricacies of your fates are meaningless."
so. i took the lamest exam ever yesterday. it was my art exam. sigh. man, we were supposed to draw our sculpture and then describe it, explain why it's there, etc.

describe it?? you're looking at the fucking picture i just drew ms roeder!

ah, so retarded.

anyways. my math exam was yesterday, and im crossing my fingers, hoping i passed. it became a mantra in my head about half-way through the darn thing. let me pass, let me pass, please, at least a c..

graahh. and today was the ceramics exam. guess what it was. the sculptures. i swear to all things holy that i will come back and blow those things up just for the hell of it.
i got to use the chisel and hack mortor off the tiles. and you know, clean them with a sponge. fun was had all around.

biology exam. i just looked at it and said "i dont want it."
the entirety of the exam was of everything ms freis has neglected to teach us. honestly. ive never heard of anything on that thing. the only thing i have remembered from the test today was seeing the word 'glucocorticoids' and thinking is that an actual word? it was a traumatic experience to say the least.

1 day of school left, fuckers.

and now everyone wants to do something with me this weekend. sabrina-sleepover thursday. lyn & carrie-sleepover thursday and then go to heather's party on friday, which is a sleepover too. sydney-sleepover here on friday. melissa-go bowling with her and her youth group. sunday, im pretty sure i have to do something with my mom..

and my guitar-playing skills are improving. which is cool. i've been messing with my amp alot. and pure undiluted lameness, my friends, lies within my inability to find something useful to do with my digital camera. i ended up taking pictures of myself. and i solarized them. rah.

summer is upon us. what on god's green and burdened earth will i do? seriously. i have a month to be with my friends, and them i get to be shipped off to another country. fun.

oh yea, i remembered what i have to do on sunday. church.

ta.

:: 2004 22 May :: 12.08pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: the rasmus

she's fading away, away from this world
it was my birthday.

i got an ELECTRIC GUITAR. and an AMP!
it's a black washburn x-40! what! and the amp is a dean markley.

i also got paint shop pro 8! and animation shop!! that fucking rocks.

and there is only 4 more days of hell!!
life is good.

:: 2004 21 May :: 8.56pm

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: nirvana
Are you male or female: been a son
Describe yourself: rape me
How do some people feel about you: very ape
How do you feel about yourself: i hate myself and want to die
Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend: radio-friendly unit shifter
Describe where you want to be: on a plain
Describe what you want to be: lounge act
Describe how you live: all apologies
Describe how you love: endless, nameless
Share a few words of wisdom: frances farmer will have her revenge on seattle

this and lists are all you get since laurence's brain is on vacation.