Rina
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2004 14 February :: 11.22pm
:: Mood: happy
chocolate anyone?
We're all on death's door repeatedly ringing the doorbell like maniacal girl scouts trying to make quota.
Im sorry. but that is like the best thing ive heard in.. ages. i laughed really hard.
..you wouldnt get it.
ok. happy valentine's day! i got chocolate. and i will most likely never eat it again. it just sat there calling my name alllll day. torture with capital T, man.
anyways..
woot. sleepover tomorrow! and then movies on monday. (kick-ass day lmao nola!!)
we will be kicking ass. fon ass.
friday i had a million things like a math test, biology homework, and some really big english thing was due.
hahahaha. i got a 100 on my math quiz. boo-ya. ms freis didnt exactly check the homework, and the english assignment was postponed. aaahhhhh. happiness. and i gave out all my v-day presents. i got sam the best card in the world:
on the front-
Roses are Red, but really thorny
without you, i get very..
inside-
CORNY! what were you thinking?!
yes. that card just kicked you.
thursday i had flute lessons. then i went to target. it was crawling with preps. i was trying to hide.
and oh man, i saw alexis barkis who i haven't seen since forever and a half. ewww.
today was grand. i had chocolate. i babysat my brother. and i updated my website. oohh, that is just waayy too much excitement to be contained in one day.
luckily, i have church tomorrow. *sighs*
i have homework this weekend. and ms greene liked my short story that i wrote a really long time ago and wants me to make all these changes so she can put it in some school magazine.
can we say no? obviously not because i just nodded at her when she said to retype it.
ciao.
2 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 14 February :: 12.40pm
Creation and careful planning
Setting my life on fire
Standing back and watching it burn
Cast out and alone
Stepping back and taking a look at the world
I look through waiting eyes as the world dies
Slowly, I rise above and make a new creation
Starting with the aftermath and new demise
Ending with the sun and the devastation
I freeze myself for later times
And watch as the world changes before my eyes
I grow old with the trees but longer
And see the growth of the world and hunger
I look through the oldest eyes and the world grows
Staying in the shadows, watching behind the darkest
Waiting for a new world to rise to what it knows
And the sun to return and recall this blackness
I slow time waiting for nothing
Watching it pass with what it is killing
I set the stars on fire
And watch as the people below fall in desire
I conspire ways for them to grow stronger
And watch as my every attempt fails
I wait ‘til I can’t wait any longer
And burn the everlasting gruesome details
I stop the clock and set it aflame
Watching as it melts away into another daydream
I sweep up the dust of what was new
Dying inside because I can’t create another you
1 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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cowboy67
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2004 13 February :: 12.43am
< growl >
you know what, miss ver-sexy?? miss i-love-logic-and-i-hate-hearts! i only have one thing to say to you! try listening for once!
1 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 12 February :: 9.44pm
*pokes eye* ... ouch.
well. i hate my eye.
this morning it just started hurting really bad before school and it was watering. and whatever was in my eye, i couldnt get out.. because it kept going behind my eyeball. ewww.
anyways.. i found out what was going on second period. carrie noticed this clearish thing on it. i thought everything was blurry because my eye was acting funky. but there was this clear thing covering half of my pupil.
i had to use my nails to get it out. there was like three pieces of it too. nasty.
it just so happens that in the corner of my eye, i have a small chunk of the outer lens missing. you can see the lens, and then you can see a part of my eye without the lens on it. eww eww eww.
mr. daniels spazzed in third period. he threw the music on the floor, grabbed his coat, and left.
i tried to throw another pot today. i really suck at it. maybe i should just stick to drawing, eh? yea.. flute lessons today. they weren't as retarded as usual. which is a nice change. :)
lots of homework. math test tomorrow. ahhhh. i hope i dont bomb the quiz. linds explained some of it to me. i dont remember what else was on the test. grrrr. i need a stroke of ingenious luck or something. that would be the pink socks of chrismukkah (haha andrea).
i found out that i get back from sweden really late on august 8th.
august 9th is school.
i am eternally screwed. i mean, really.
-fucked like a duck in springtime, ladies and gents.
speaking of ducks.. i have to do that damn duckstamp contest thing. for the seventh year in my life!!! good lord i hate ducks now.
2 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 12 February :: 7.19pm
I Fall Away
I feel the heat coming from inside
With all the pain I’m burning alive
Every flaming word you say
Sears through my flesh with the strongest hate
And then I fall
So then I fall away
I felt the pain in your words that night
As you cut me open without a knife
The hate in you voice as I backed away
Still haunts the wind where the whispers stay
And then I fall
So then I fall away
You strike me without a touch
The torch in your words is over enough
You rip me open so I disintegrate
Keep stabbing until I descend away
And then I fall
So then I fall away
And then I fall with the words inside
Burning my flesh as I run to hide
So then I fall with the pain alive
Haunting the thoughts inside my mind
And then I fall
I fall away
So then I fall
I fall today
12 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 12 February :: 1.32am
Everything for You : Incomplete
For you i would crack and i'd break
i would bend and fold too
there's nothing i couldn't take
just to hold you
I'd cut myself to feel your skin
i would tare myself apart
i'd shatter just to let you in
if it would mend your broken heart
---- Didn't Make the Cut ----
For you i would crack
i would also bend
and there's nothing i lack
but i'd do it all again
1 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 11 February :: 7.15pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: The boy who blocked his own shot - Brand New
call me a safe bet, im betting im not
ah.
haven't updated. well not much going on. today we had sectionals. talk about adding insult to injury. oh well. it actually wasn't as bad as the other ones, but hey.. sectionals are sectionals.
hmm. i realized that i have one of the most screwed up famliy trees around. how many people can say that their 3rd cousin-once-removed goes to their school? or that youre related to someone but dont know their last name?
... strange
um.. im making a website. its not any good yet, but here it is - wow.
moving along.. here are the classes im taking next year.
chemistry 1 honors
world history honors
pre-calculus
english 2 honors
drawing/painting 2
ceramics 2
band. *sigh*
fun. woo.
i want to take photography. or at least a language for god's sake. but no. i cant. because i have.. i have *kicks flute case* this. *looks at it*
piece of crap.
um. hmmm well nothing else real major is going on. oh yes, the oc is on tonight! but so is angel. and it looks good too!
lets see.. marissa almost getting shot and seth being nemo (l m a o), or spike being a nazi from 1943? ah, decisions decisions. america's recreational activity leads me to constantly take apart plots by the thread yet again.
i want to go somewhere. just.. to go. and do something crazy and unusual and spontanious. just because.
2 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 10 February :: 8.24pm
:: Music: Audioslave - Shadow of the Sun
Revised: Drowning
Shading my life too dark its hard to see
with all the hate that you breathe
and i can't keep up
i'll scream if you don't help
Shadows come to life as light fades away
While you look at me and I say-
I'm drowning here, can't you see me?
Help me please, I've stopped breathing
Playing my life too thin
Not noticing the holes within
I'm falling deeper into the water again
I hold out my hand and then
You just turn away to leave
While i see you and I scream-
I'm drowning here, can't you see me?
Help me because I've stopped breathing
I'm drowning here, won't you free me?
The only thing to stop you from leaving
And worthless cries are followed
As I rise completely hollowed
My pace has fallen
And now I'm crawling
I sink in the sea and say-
I sink in the sea and scream-
I'm drowning here, can't you see me?
Help me because I've stopped breathing
I'm drowning here, can't you see me?
Help me because I've stopped breathing
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 9 February :: 8.20pm
shading my life to dark its hard to see with all the hate you breathe i can't keep up i'll scream if you don't help shadows come to life as light fades away while you look at me and i say
i'm drowning here can't you see me
help me please i've stopped breathing
playing my life to thin not noticing the holes within i'm falling deeper into the water again i hold out my hand and then you turn away to leave while i see you and i scream
i'm drowning here can't you see me
help me please i've stopped breathing
and worthless cries are followed by your return completely hollowd i've risen back to grace but not to see your face you fall to your knees and say you fall to your knees and scream....
i'm drowning here can't you see me
help me please i've stopped breathing
i'm drowning here can't you see me
help me please i've stopped breathing
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 8 February :: 1.43am
Silent and Quiet
Do you remember all our quiet nights?
That held the silent fights
And I never said a word
That you hadn’t heard
And do you remember everything we did?
Of course, how could you forget?
And I never did one thing
That didn’t mean something
Do you remember the desire?
All the nights spent side by side
And do you remember my fire?
All the times in the rain
But we’ve never felt ashamed
Do you remember everywhere we’ve gone?
Leaving places after dawn
And I never felt any pain
Anytime I could say your name
And do you remember everything with meaning?
I can still feel you breathing
And I never lived a day without you
And I could never forget about you
Do you remember the desire?
All the nights spent side by side
And do you remember my fire?
All the times in the rain
But we’ve never felt ashamed
All the silent fights
That caused the quiet nights
Which made up for
When you couldn’t get enough
And had to scream
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 7 February :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: happy!
:: Music: Girls not grey - AFI
excuse me sir, but i believe victoria's secret is meant for women.
today was a good day :)
i woke up at 7 for solo contest. i was really nervous. drove to lehigh and i practiced at the cafeteria while mom looked for my room.
ahh. i could not get any of the runs right. and my mouth was dry.
i went to the room and waited outside the door. there were other people before me waiting in the hall too. jake was there. i heard him play. it was beautiful. so then i started getting nervous again. i went in after he was done and played it.
he told me i was very good at the technical parts of it and had a wonderful technique. but i needed more dynamic contrast. what else is new?
well, he wrote down the comments for a really really long time. i was standing there, holding my flute and smiling forever. my jaw started to hurt. but then he was done and i left. i drank the rest of the water that my mom had bought me.
back at the cafeteria i ran into little 8th graders i knew from middle school. maybe you've heard of them. sam dawson - extrememly talented with oboe and piano. he made all-state last year. this year too. mark barron - is taking algebra 2 at the highschool. with ms. grabowski. give me more reasons to hate him. and.. some girl. and another girl.
mark is a dork and sam is cool. and they are both taller than me which is really sad. *sigh*
the results got posted, and.. i got nothing. because mine weren't up yet. by this point i had been waiting for 40 minutes. another half hour. more results. with mine, thank god. i got a superior. and i was totally just standing there not believing it because i had messed up so many times on the 32nd runs. ahhh. i was really happy and then had to go pee.
mom went to linen 'n things for some sheets. then we went home. alas, i finalized mall plans.
went to the mall with sydney and chelsea. it was grand :)
i went to Journey's and got some black converse shoes!! yayayay.
then we went to hot topic. i got an afi shirt, a short sleeved hoodie thing with this skull in a pink star. oh man its so cool. and i got three pins. two of them are happy bunny ones and the other is about sarcasm.
We saw Alex and Emily there. haha me and alex just pointed at eachother. i was like 'you! you're here.. in this store!' i was incredibly lame but thats beside the point. the cash register guy was awesome. headed to barnies. syd and chels talked me out of getting a white mocha so i got a caramel coffee cooler. it was really good. ah, we looked around and went into gadzooks. the clothes are questionable but the accessories rock. sydney tried on these tan boots that had fuzzy stuff inside. hahahaa she looked like she was wearing eskimo boots. they were huge.
we got french fries. and then sat in this pizza buffet italian restaurant place. and we just talked. it was time to leave so we walked back to barnies. fun. we talked more. mostly about... guys? cant quite remember. thats when it happened. i saw this old guy carrying a victoria's secret bag and the pink paper was all nice and frilly at the top. i showed chelsea and we started cracking up. people these days... sydney didnt get it until 5 minutes later. because we were laughing.
dropped syd and chels off. went to publix. bought food. made my mom buy lots of fruit. i like fruit.
i have to go burn some cd's now. woot.
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 7 February :: 7.53am
:: Mood: nervous
:: Music: Jaws Theme Swimming - Brand New
*dies*
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful.
i am still very very scared about solo contest. i have to leave in half hour. *dies*
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 6 February :: 7.03pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: Good to know that if i ever need attention all i have to do is die - Brand New
*twitch* coffee coffee coffee
ahh
i went to the art show tonight. nice. there were some really good pieces.
my mom took me to starbucks to get coffee afterwards. for those of you who know me, too much coffee = psycho-carina.
well, this is one deadly combination. i ordered a mocha with some whipped cream (you cant forget the whipped cream) and i guess the lady didnt put enough milk in it.
i am drinking espresso with chocolate. oh man oh man.
today was ok. me and carrie have a healthy obsession now. and i have a friend named humphrey the duck. he is british.
now, i have a decision in bio to make. Im not sure if i should take Chemistry Honors or Anatomy Physiology honors next year. the scary thing is.. i could take physics if i wanted. but i am staying waaayyy clear of that until im like a senior or something. *sigh*
well, tomorrow is solo & ensemble. i am not ready at all. my sixteenth notes sound awful. and i hate how it always slows down and then BAM! it goes super fast. roar. but i am secretly scared shitless to go. oh man. im afraid i'll just stop in the middle of it and.. do something retarded. i sound so lame.
yesterday was really slow. i was so tired you would not believe. and it took forever for the day to get through. err.
... oh yea. i saw 2 acts of our school's ballet. they're doing sleeping beauty. on point shoes. ouch. but lindsay and lisa were awesome. woo.
*drinks more coffee*
i think i might have to go pee now...
2 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 6 February :: 3.35pm
Light shines through the blinds
Into slivers of illumination
My eyes follow all of the lines
Through rivers of imagination
____________________________________
Memories Not Meant To Be
With you, my wish is granted
And apart, I’ve lost all chances
But with you, I won’t forget
That is to say I haven’t yet
With you, my heart is beating
Faster than it ever has
Without you it slows
I could never get that mad
With you, I see myself clearly
In a pond reflection from your eyes
And apart I’d like to think you can hear me
I have never been surprised
And you grant all my wishes
And you hold my memories
You’re eyes are lakes of emotion
And you hold no penalties
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 4 February :: 6.29pm
:: Mood: distressed
crying never drowns the sorrows
why cant it all just go away?
i want it to go away so bad. i just need it to leave me alone.
4 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 3 February :: 2.47pm
:: Mood: majorly pissed. back off.
:: Music: the quiet things that no one ever knows - brand new woot. i got my cd back.
sarcasm - anger's ugly cousin
i have experienced a feeling i have never felt before today. its this really moving emotion that makes me want to jump in front of a car. jesus. i hate this.
school started out good enough i guess. me and carrie had fun. she named my flute james. third period wasnt terrible. neither was fourth.
bio was a drag. again. lots of crap to study though. yay.
sixth period ticked me off. me and collin hate eachother, i guess. according to him i have an attitude problem. he is a dumbass. really, i dont know exactly what i did. the fact that i was in english had pissed me a little. especially since sabrina wasnt there. but hey, i was pissed, ok? if you look at me wrong i will tear your head off and feed to the manifestations of wrath. i guess i was the one who looked at him strangely. no need to get on my case, mills. fuck. go to hell collin.
forgot my disk in business systems. had to type the assignment over. it was a long assignment.
lisa yelled her damn head off at me in the car. way to go. i knew i should have jumped at that green car.
heres my homework list.
flute. i have to get my moderato piece up to allegro in 2 hours. joy.
biology. read everything on bacteria and make it stay lodged in my brain.
english. finish a script and type it on a chapter from the most dull, boring book.
art. find three landscapes. do two large ass sketchbook assignments. make pins.
extra? help a friend with a speech, go shopping, find my disk.
go away.
-carina
3 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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Rina
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2004 2 February :: 2.37pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: Silver and Cold - AFI
ha.
monday is over. woot.
yesterday was all homework. and i didnt watch the superbowl. i was busy drooling at shane west. yea. you saw it right. shane west. not the patriots. not the panthers. shane west. woo.
well, i got my hair cut on saturday. and it looks mighty spiffy. and now i have plans to go spend all my money at the mall this weekend. at hot topic. oh yes, bring in the good stuff :)
i had a bunch of homework over the weekend. crazy mad stuff. i had to do a huge math project on conic sections, practice my solo, do my sketchbook, read alot of english, study for biology, and clean my room.
i did alllll my math. sweet, eh?
ms bode loved it. i did it in one day. so did linds. go me. go linds. yay to us.
bio was a drag. again. we got to watch a movie on microbes. woo. much fun, as you can well imagine..
now i have to do all that english. and bio. and flute. and art. oh man. i didnt make it in the gallery (i knew i wouldnt) but sydney did and im so proud of her!! lets give a big 'woot!' to sydney! its her second time too. she paints really good :)
ahh, well, im off to stop my stomach from eating itself. yum.
-rina
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 30 January :: 6.18pm
17. Hiding inside – Part 1
I sneak between your thoughts
Reaching deep inside your mind
I creep slowly down your spine
Crawling my way deep inside
Everyday I watch through you eyes
While you think you’re alone here
I read through every single fear
That hides in your mind so clear
I come across a different knowledge
Pictures and movies inside you
Times when time wasn’t hard to go through
And upon these thoughts I find you too
I move quickly through your brain
And come to rest on your lonely heart
Whispering to you, oh please just start
So I don’t have to tare you apart
Slowly your heart starts beating
And then opens up for me
So I can start to see
Everything that was meant to be
18. Hiding inside Part 2
I sneak between your thoughts
Reaching deep inside your mind
I creep slowly down your spine
Crawling my way deep inside
I read through your darkest secrets
Each a scary page of their own
I dig deep down to your bone
Feeding on your thoughts alone
Then I find a new knowledge
Coursing through your flesh
Then I come across something fresh
So new but yet so close to death
I tare through your skin to stop the bleeding
Ripping your heart open to find
Some new terror unleashed of mind
Crawling to find me deep inside
I tried to save you, I really tried
I raced to save you, I really sped
And all the things that I have read
Are now within me, also dead
I wrote parts of this as one poem. Then figured out that it was better as two, so I wrote more parts to make it two parts.
the end is here
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alastar
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2004 28 January :: 10.09pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Nirvana
Warm and Shivering
I wrote this tonight. I like it almost as much as "the way to go"
- Warm and Shivering -
I watch your hands as they shake
If I held you would you break?
---Or would you fall away
Lights off its cold and dark
Time out lets catch the spark
---That lights up your eyes
Don’t you like what you see?
Is this too much for me?
---Or is it enough for you?
And I can’t wait for this to end
And for now for me, you’re now pretend
And I’ll see the beginning
What do you see within me?
Moons shade darkens your door
Footsteps slowly cross the floor
---That crawls beneath your feet
Doors closed, windows open
Wind pours in just like an ocean
---That pours through the door
Stars fall when I scream your name
Warm, cold, it’s always the same
---It’s always the same for you
And I can’t wait for this to end
And for now for me, you’re now pretend
And I’ll see the beginning
What do you see within me?
And I watch your hands as they shake
If I held them would they break?
---Or would they hold me back?
1 day[s] remain |
the end is here
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