This Is My True Freedom

:: 2004 28 January :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: saucy
:: Music: I Miss You - Blink 182

the mystery of the tiki
hello there
the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim
of darkness in the valley
we can live jack and sally if we want
where you can always find me
and we'll have halloween on christmas
and in the night we'll wish this never ends
we'll wish this never ends

well it sure has been a while.
saturdsay= sleepover at amanda's. major movie watching. we saw practical magic, anger management, corky romano, and kate & leopold (twice).
sunday= spontaneous kid swapping. my mom came to pick me up with my little brother. amanda has a brother about the same age. so.. my brother stayed, and amanda came to my house.
another spontaneous moment- we told jake to come over too.
it was FUN.
we played ps2, talked [alot], and played pictionary.
monday was school. lots of homework, as expected. tuesday was more homework. as expected.
today is wednesday. school was fun. very surprising. i had sectionals after school. not fun. then i had to wait a half hour after sectionals so i could play my solo for mr. daniels. theenn, i waited outside in the cold for my mom. i was freezing. literally.
my hands were white. well, they were really pale and had red blotches. cold cold cold.
i couldve used a bit of cocoa.
ah, now i am home. and have biology. fun.
but i got to see hotness all over my television so im fine. that hotness' name is james marsters. carrie knows what im talking about ;)

bwahahaha.

nevermind. i'll update later to tell you about.. stuff. visit my livejournal! because.. it is cool now. alot better than it was.. and.. yea.

:: 2004 25 January :: 6.43pm

i love you

:: 2004 24 January :: 4.56pm
:: Mood: touched
:: Music: Nirvana

Goodnights & The Old Couch

Sweet dreams held between
Trials fade the time you wait

I still see that smile on your face
Even through the darkness
Lighting up my world

But I still see you like the first time
An unchanging picture in my mind
But I still see you like the first day
As hard as I try to make you fade

Goodnights and the little fights
Cold days, forever and always

A time and a place for us to go
Holds a place forever, when you don't seem to show

And I still see you in that same way
A smile folded onto your face
And I still see you in that same place
A mood forever left unchanged

But I still see you there
And you still seem to care
I still see you
I still see you
I always see you
When I close my eyes�

I wrote this yesterday, listening to Nirvana.

You seem not to be impressed
While I still have no effect

And I�ll choose the moment
For when it seems just right
And I�ll keep you guessing
Until you can�t stand to fight

You seem not to be afraid
While I know you still can�t wait

And I�ll choose the time
When we won�t be detected
And I�ll choose the place
Where we won�t be expected

You seem to be unscathed
While I�m still just not a match

And I�ll keep you at bay
Long enough to hear what I say
And I�ll keep you right here
So I can always see your face this clear

You seem not to be so close after all
Though I see you in the mirror on the wall
And I�ll choose the way
And I�ll choose the time
And I�ll choose the place
And I�ll choose the line

And I�ll lose my way
Lost track and time
And I�ll lose my place
I should have followed the line

I wrote this one today, listening to Nirvana again.

5 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 22 January :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: people talking on phones

i take a look at my enormous...
oh man.
today started out really crappy. first was ok and second was better than i thought it would be, but third, fourth and fifth really did me in. in third period the flute choir had to go down to the black box theatre at the center to play our song. i dont even know why. anyways, we went back to the band room and i hate mr. daniels. you know, i think he doesnt have the mental capacity that allows him to give someone a compliment. its beyond impossible for him. if he had a choice of saying 'you played nicely' or burning in the deep depths of hell, i think he'd just jump in the hell hole to make things easier for himself. people are strange.
moving on..
fourth period was ooberboring. i couldve screamed. we were going over this worksheet and i reaallly didnt understand why we were. half the class didnt bother to even touch it. ah, such is the mystery of ms. bode. well, i decided to do my biology. there wasnt anything else i could do. except maybe carve into one of the desks. thank pink socks that i dont have an army knife.
oh well. in biology i was bored again. and i was feeling really crappy. because nola isnt there and i have to listen to guys. and i think i have a cold again.
i. h a t e. c o l d s.
but lunch really brought my spirits up. i had a good meal.mmm who wouldnt want to have a school made chicken sandwich? with tater tots?
not you? crazy!
but sam spilled red hawaiian punch on his khaki pants. red! and we are all laughing hysterically.i felt sorry for him though because sabrina was like 'well, you know sam,there is a time in every girl's life when she hits puberty. wait. you're a guy.' it was hilarious. i almost pissed myself. it was beautiful.
me and sabrina were still laughing in sixth period. mostly because she asked me if we should give him a tampon. hahaha. i seriously felt bad for him though. i offered my jacket. :)
seventh period i was crazy with anger. mad-crazy if you must.
I. H A T E. M A V I S. B E A C O N.
i already got to the advanced level for the ten-key. and i passed my goals. twice. but no, since i dont want a certificate, there must be more work for me to do!! i was going mad. absolutly mad.
mavis beacon will end up haunting me to the rest of my days. i will be in a computer store one day, and some clerk will come up to me and say 'excuse me, would you like to try the new version of mavis beacon in 10-key?'
ooorrrr, my mom will say 'we got the new mavis beacon! would you like to try some practice in 10-key?'
do you see how this is affecting me? mavis fucking beacon will be the end of me. grrrr
anyways, i am here at my mothers office for another 45 minutes. oh joyous days. but i did get a pepsi. im only here because i have a doctor's appointment. maybe she'll give me some more amoxicillan. *shudders* i hope not. those things were huge!
this next part of my entry shall be the compliment of ana's recent journal entry entitled 'i have a detachable penis.'

Whenever life gets you down
keeps you wearing a frown
and the gravy train has left you behind
and when you're all out of hope
down at the end of your rope
and nobody's there to throw you a line
did you ever get so low, that you dont know which way to go?
c'mon and take a walk in my shoes
never worry 'bout a thing
got the world on a string cause i
got the cure for all of my blues..
i take a look at my enormous penis
and the trouble starts melting away
i take a look at my enormous penis
and the happy times are comin' to stay
i got a sing and a dance
when i glance in my pants
and the feeling's like a sunshinny day
i take a look at my enormous penis,
and everything is going my way..

well, thats all i want to write. mostly because i cant exactly remember how the middle part of it goes. :D
im going to mess up this laptop im on. (its my mom's boss' son's laptop) ha. ha. ha. *grins evilly*
well, must be off to do my 'homework' haha yea right.
*Rina

:: 2004 21 January :: 10.10pm

Soul Fire
There is a rage building inside of me
I won�t let you in
I won�t let you feel my skin
I must protect you from this fire within

I repress every feeling of anger
To a candlelit refuge inside of my soul
A cave inside that makes me whole
Seizing so many pieces of the life you stole

Shadows splayed across the walls
Of a room full of things I never had to do
A knife and a letter, that never got through
Both feed the fire which grows for you

It�s always there, inside of me
Every ounce of pain
I feel every lick of the flames
Every time I hear your name

My eyes grow dark as it fills my body
My hands burn with the piercing desire
My mind goes blank with the intent to conspire
As this flame fills my veins with liquid fire

I scream your name and it grows even more
It takes me hostage and I fall to my knees
Clasping my hands, begging it please
It�s coursing through me just like a disease

My soul fire reaching its full potential
I can�t take this pain anymore
Too much anger, not worth fighting for
So I whisper your name as I fall to the floor

This is a pretty old poem. I wrote it on Christmas Day. So, about a month.

:: 2004 20 January :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: confused

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want, and have Halloween on Christmas..
Dont get involved in politics.
Its all rather confusing, really. Here's the deal. i just got done watching the last 10 minutes of Bush talking. this is an overview that i have summed up to the best of my ability...
Ok, Bush wants to spend lots of money to help these prisoners that are being released to have a home. and be mentored by some faith, which basically means that the churches will probably get a bunch of tax money if they hire these guys. well, i think thats majorly bright... *shakes head*
hmm.. i am very confused because of my parents' differing political views. you see, my father is republican. although he wont tell me why. not that its a bad thing, really. i just want a better understanding of the stance of both parties, so he wasnt that much help. now my mother, on the other hand, is an alien, so she cant vote. (from sweden) but, she said if she wanted to choose, she'd most likely be democratic. do you see my situation here? *sigh* well, she tried to explain some of the major democratic views. and i kinda get it. im just a bit unclear about republicans. my sister said the following: "The republicans are more interested in building up the military and stuff. the democratic are more for the people. the republicans are retards. dad, you're a retard." yea, so.. the only thing my dad said (except to not talk so loud) was that the democrats are dumb. basically. not quite sure. maybe i should be a liberal. except there aren't many in the senate/congress and im not sure about their views either.
politics are scary and i want to hide from them.
besides that, if anyone can clear the air id be most grateful. well, on to bed i guess. i actually did my english, which is a start. but i didnt do bio. big suprise there. and nola is switching out of that class. :(
did i mention that i had one of the shittiest days of my life today?
except for lunch (strange, isnt it?) because i had some.. strange.. conversations with sabrina. all i will say is that it involved pretzels. thats all... really..
*runs away from politics*

...

*Rina

p.s. oh man, we are doing coil pots in ceramics and i had the most brilliant idea for mine. Jack Skellington from the Nightmare before Christmas! i am truly a genius.

1 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 19 January :: 11.04am

"if a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

- martin luther king jr.

4 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 18 January :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: dark

No one can run from the shadows of dreams
It seems that i haven't updated for a while. well, my life is just so gosh darn exciting i guess i dont have the time. Here is a run through of what most people call "life." I will be excluding details.

The Hell Tower that is called Thursday
maybe not an actual tower. more like one of the lower depths of hell that is not yet understood. note my amazing sarcasm. ha. ha.
well, i'll pick out the interesting parts. mostly because i dont really remember the first part of the day. *shrugs*
Lunch is amazing. I got to eat, and feel like crap at the same time. It appears as if one of my friends believes that i waste too much of my time on computer/tv/playstation. tv dominating. this friend thinks that because i have wasted my time on these petty excuses for entertainment, it has resulted in the drop of my grades. sorry. it has not. just because i have 2 c's, doesnt mean i am a complete dumbass. really, it doesnt. and im sorry if i have my own life, in which i sometimes like to sit and watch some television. oh yes, and im terribly sorry if i have offended you in any way by making lively conversation about television with other friends. and i do use 'other' as you believe i would. i would like to congratulate you on making me feel like shit.
everyone, please applaud this wonderful act of utmost crappiness.

so sorry.

What Dante could call 'The Friday of Hell'
The Friday of hell. it is most brilliantly named, if i do say so myself. well, the morning was good.
plans of a sleepover were made with 2 of my friends and second period was fun. amazing, isnt it? its one of those once in a lifetime experiences. thanks, ana. :)
Now then. there was a pizza party at the center at lunch. for the art people who painted stuff for the children's benefit. or something like that. who knows. Indeed, i went to this aptly named 'pizza party.' Of course, since i have freis it was most enjoyable being late. and having no pepperoni/cheese pizza left. just supreme.
I ate one piece after taking off the onions, mushrooms, peppers, and olives. it was delightful.
went to sixth period. my other friend (ah yes, so the term is again used.. fancy that.) told me about this 'friend' who controlled the pure shittiness of the day named thursday. more mean things. what fun i have in my social life, as you can quite imagine.
The day of disappointment
Saturday. also brilliantly named.
the day of the 'sleepover.' No calls, no plans.
no friends decided to come. fair enough, since it was such short notice.
More bloodsucking went on through the day. (i use the term 'bloodsucking' loosely and in the meaning of 'life-draining.' almost the same meaning. crazy, eh?)
Although it is quite tragic, i had no sleep. i just couldnt sleep. maybe it was my thoughts of friends that kept me awake. or perhaps it was the next day's comings that kept me from dreams. the main point is that i couldnt slip off into my favorite place where everything is either perfect, or cunningly nightmarish. no in-betweens or mixes of the two. but that could never affect our reality, could it?

pity.

Fell asleep at 5:30 a.m.

Today, the day of broken dreams
I am truly broken. im broken into thousands of bits and tiny halves of bits, and the millions of particles within them. such is expected from nature i guess.
plans were made for the same 2 friends to sleepover after we terrorized the little ones at the medieval fair held at lakes park. crushed. no one calls.
i woke at 8:30 to be dragged to church. i literally mean dragged. rain came. it was so soothing. and calming. and i tried with all my might to stay awake in church. really, i did.
Mom took me to Starbucks. got a frappuchino and a cookie. i wished i could have stayed there. i love bookstores.
came home and glued myself to this lovely machine. i dare say, that paint shop pro is addictive. dinner. then more broken-ness. explained to mother my failure of buds. cocoa should be a medical solution. i will look forward to ana's cocoa pot.
so ends my days. but i must say, with all honesty, that i have 1 or 2 good friends. one of them is andrea. i love you andrea, because you make me like this ----> :)

stay tuned for the next thrilling episode.

-me.

:: 2004 17 January :: 8.31pm

Frenzied moths swarm within me
Searching for a light, not there to find
Clouds of doves blind my sight
Sending shivers down my spine

:: 2004 17 January :: 5.42pm

Closed hearts and open minds
Fall apart in an ocean's eyes

Plumeting darkness inside of your soul
Regain consciousness and take control
Take me with you and make me whole
Then fall apart as I fake control
I've never been in charge

:: 2004 15 January :: 9.31pm

you know i would
from: me

Rina	:: 2004 14 January :: 5.50pm :: Mood: pulls out hair :: Music: Disturbed GO FUCK YOURSELF LOSER stabs madly at computer screen ... throws monitor out window [eye twitches] knocks over bookshelf and kicks wall Feel my fucking wrath and die. 9 day[s] remain \| the end is here

:: 2004 14 January :: 3.37pm

the vice of life

:: 2004 13 January :: 4.30pm

These are the voices you live to hear
These are the memories that haunt your dreams
These are the pictures that aren�t so clear
And these are the words that turn to screams

:: 2004 10 January :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: creative? maybe.
:: Music: American Hi-Fi

[insert maniacal laughter]
Ok, first of all--

:)

Now i can tell you about tonight. It was way fun.
I went over to chelsea's house and syd was already there, so we talked and stuff until we went to meet melissa. We met her and went to Friday's. I think we might've mentally abused our waitress, but thats ok. It was all fun :D. Me and mel had a chicken blt and syd and chels both had a cheeseburger. yumm.. anyways, while syd was in the bathroom we were talkin in some funky accent and chelsea said that she was an australian-southern-chinese bitch. and somethin went on before that about her head being air or something, but i ended up saying 'if you're a chinese southern bitch with a booger blocking the air to your brain, then im the bloody easter bunny.' except i said it as if i was british and it all seemed fairly hilarious at the time. :D Sydney is Jesus.

Well, after dinner we went to the theatre and we got tickets. to peter pan. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
We were crazy in the theatre before the film started and chelsea ended up sitting on the floor between me and sydney. it was hilarious. Well, the movie went on, and near the end when wendy and peter kiss, and he smiles real big and the light thing is in the sky, yadda yadda; We all start cracking up. We were all laughing so hard. and i, personally, knew that i should stop, but couldnt. and then we laughed at the end when the freaky aunt lady gets to keep Slightly (one of the lost boys).

the end.

but i feel like writing so i think im going to do that. yay.

*Rina

:: 2004 10 January :: 7.55pm

I feel the same old fears confronting me again
The loss of control
I see the same black shapes in the darkness
In the depths of my soul

the shortest i've ever written.

:: 2004 9 January :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: ECSTATIC
:: Music: In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth:3 - Coheed & Cambria

Yawns are contagious. So is my overwhelming happiness.
I AM TOTALLY STOKED.
i, carina, shall be going to the AFI, Thursday, and Coheed & Cambria concert.
ahhhhhhh!!! HAPPINESS!!!

This makes me grin very much.

Ok.. Yesterday i went to the doctor. and it only took about 10 minutes. yay. and that included the time we had to wait. so.. yay. :)
I got a prescription for Amoxicillan. If you dont know what that is, its just a fancy word for extremely large pills. But they make me feel better. :)

*grins* i cant wait until March 4th.

Anyways, school was ok. I completly forgot that it was DEAR today. (haha ana) i felt kinda dumb because i thought it was wednesday. it is friday. wow i am incredibly retarded. but that is ok, because i can go to a kick-ass concert. Well, in second period we watched slides of Mr. Smith's life. what fun. i could tell that it was really great because ana, jesenia, and tiffany were trying to sleep. Poor Mr. Smith. no one really cares.
Third period was a free day. and i had brought my flute. The retardedness of me continued... ah well. Kelly was talking to me all period about Yuu Yuu Hakusho. I cant wait to see the Dark Tournament. :)
Fourth period i couldnt find my math book. someone stole it or something. i just took notes. fun.
Fifth period we went over the exam still. we spend about 10-15 minutes on some questions. i screamed 'Why dont you just give us our test grades? its much easier than us listening to the nonsesne that comes out of your mouth!' well, i was screaming it in my head. since i value my health, i didnt actually say it aloud. :)
Lunch.. i am loved! everyone missed me! :D
Sixth period.. more on 'To kill a mokingbird.' i honestly dont know why we're reading it.
Seventh period we got new computers! they are very sweet black gateways. yay :)
Im going to teach chelsea html. hahahaha fun.
Speakin of chelsea, we are most likely going to go to the movies tomorrow haha. and she is going to the concert too! fun,fun friends. much fun.
but i cant go anywhere unless my room is up to mother's expectations.
Gots to clean me room, mate.
*Rina [themonkeyinthemiddleator who is extremely excited about the concert. really.]

4 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 8 January :: 12.35pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: 100 hottest hotties on VH1 :)

Just wonderful
Im home and im sick. It cant get anymore lovely. My fever went down a bit, and my eyes aren't watering anymore. But, my throat is worse, i have a constant headache, and my ears hurt. Beautiful.
Well Mom woke me up at 5:45 in case i was well enough to go to school. I wasn't. i had a fever so i hobbled back to my room and slept more.
I woke up 10:30. Then, I was too numb to do anything so i sat in front of the tube. kind of. I was almost awake watching I Dream of Jeannie. and then i saw that Vh1's 100 hottest hotties was on. now im watching it. I saw the first segment and Orlando Bloom was 76. I could have stabbed the tv. but this is the second segment, and we're on 54 i think. *shrugs* More later if my headache goes away.
*Rina