A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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:: 2007 9 December :: 9.36 pm

[6 days] - Till muh birthday :)

I'm not excited for anything.
I decorated my christmas tree and house. And I put up a little mini christmas tree in my house. Its nice.

Uhh I don't know what to say about my boy. I don't know what to think or how to feel.

I want to drop out of school and do home schooling again.
I will providing I can still grad at esquimalt.
And the I'll work full time, or close to it.

:: 2007 7 December :: 10.49 am

I live with such a lazy fat ass slob (aka jodi)

:: 2007 1 December :: 7.15 pm

Argh!

I fucking miss my boy :(

&& it snowed!

:: 2007 22 November :: 11.08 pm

It's to late.

I really fucking wish I knew what I wanted.
But I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
And I'm a fucking bitch for screwing with peoples heads.
FUCK? I thought this was everything I ever wanted... so why don't I want it?

:: 2007 20 November :: 8.18 pm

I really want to make things right.
And I'm sorry for a lot of the things i've done and said.
And I'm sorry for a lot of things. But hopefully I can be forgiven.
And hopefully I can make things right.

:: 2007 19 November :: 11.45 pm

I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments and watch it all dissolve into a single second.

I don't know what I want.
I am not happy.

:: 2007 17 November :: 11.51 pm

I'd rather die than give you control;

So I'm not "inlove" and its wonderful.
Things are progressing but not at an alarming rate.
This is actually a normal relationship and I love it.
Kevin is wonderful. And I can't wait to see how things turn out :)
I really like him and I hope this is a long term thing.

:: 2007 12 November :: 8.12 pm

Beware this troubled world.

Why is it so complicated?

I'm really fed up with everyone and life. I just want to be in my own little world. And I want everyone to leave me alone. Especially my mother. Which makes me feel bad because I love her.

:: 2007 11 November :: 2.11 am

If you only knew;;

I don't want to screw this one up.
But theres already been countless times in my head where i've questioned it all.
Am I ready for a relationship?
It doesn't feel like it.
Maybe it's because I think I don't deserve it?
Or because I'm afraid.
Afraid that someone might actually care about me, and want to spend time with me.
I have the most amazing guy. Who shows me things no one else ever has. Who looks forward to seeing me. Who I can just lay there and be totally content with. The one whos everything I ever wanted.
I don't deserve this.
I fucking hate myself.

:: 2007 9 November :: 2.58 pm

You drained my heart;;

I had a lot of fun skating last night.
Gaetan was a lot better than I thought and he only fell twice.

I also ran into jesse which is nice, i like seeing him.

Today I took Jodi to the dentist and I got lost. She went in the elevator and I had gone to look for the stairs and then she was like do you know what room number it is and I said no and kept walking and then I was like hey what room number is it and she was already in the elevator and the doors were closing. So I remember my mom told me it was 290 but I wasnt totally sure. So I went up the stairs and looked all around for 290 but couldnt find it, so I went to the third floor and looked for 390 cause maybe it was that but it wasnt. so i went back downstairs and walk around and run into some old lady who asked me if i worked there and then i asked her what she was looking for and she said the blood lab so i showed her where it was. Then i couldnt find the stairs so I looked for the exit sign and found a differnt set of stairs but they didnt take me to the main entrance, they took me to the basement. So I went back and looked around the 2nd floor some more and then finally I found it and I had been standing infront of it for like a few minutes. I went in a Jodi was laughing so hard and so was I.

Anyways im at kevins now. Im probably gonna go home soon.
I have to go to my dads tommorow and work tommorow and I have a lot of homework to do.

:: 2007 7 November :: 7.23 pm

You make me wanna scream;;

Kevin is so amazing!
Hes so affectionate. And I'm really not used to it but I love it. And I feel comfortable around him. I feel like I can be myself.
And it partly feels wierd because Joel and him were bestfriends and Joel was my first love. But Im trying not to think about that really.
And we've known each other for 4 years, and Ive always like him but I just never thought anything like this would happen.
I went to his house yesterday and we were locked out for like 2 and a half hours so we just sat there then we walked downtown then we came back and then his dad came home. So we just hung out and watched tv and stuff. And wrestled obviously. Which I love doing because hes a hell of a lot stronger than me. Hes like 6'3 and im 5'0.
Anyways one thing lead to another and we kissed and he bit the hell out of my neck. it looks like i fucking got mauled by a tiger.
Hes really affectionate and I love it when he wraps his arms around me or pulls my hair out of my face and kisses me.
And we also actually talk about things and he understands me. And I feel like I can share things with him and tell him what i really want.
And there is some trust there because i have known him for so long.
The way he makes me feel and the things he says are so sweet. I almost dont believe it, I'm still shocked and I just feel like its not real or it could end at any minute. But when I said something to do with something happening he was like "your just thinking worse case scenerio". And when I told him I wouldnt have sex until I was in a good relationship for like 6 months to a year he said he'd wait that long for me. And when I asked him why now and why me he said he had an epiphany and just realized that ive always been there for him and stuff.
I really hope it works out. i dont want to get my hopes up. But Ive known him and like him for 4 years. And I honestly think hes amazing.
He also is a lot like me and he doesnt drink or do drugs or anything which is nice.
Im just so full of emotion I could write forever. But everythings all jumbled up in my head.
I honestly think he is everything I ever wanted.
And even if it doesnt work out hopefully we will still be friends.

:: 2007 5 November :: 2.42 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Finding bliss in ignorance

Today was really unproductive.
I have figure skating tonight though.
And I think I'm gonna dye the bottom of my hair pink.
But that might look wierd with the purple. And idk if I should bleach it or not but I guess ill see how it goes.

I have nothing to write about really. I just need something to pass the time.

:: 2007 1 November :: 10.52 pm

Hope dangles on a string.

I'm running out of hope. But oh well.

:: 2007 31 October :: 11.59 pm

Happy Halloween!

So I dressed up like a zombie and I looked pretty damn good :)
Then I came home and took it all off and went to Kisas.
I hung out there for awhile and then I hung out with Kevin for awhile.
Which was pretty good :)
And yeah, I had a pretty good day. Even though nothing went as origionally planed.

OH other than like no one dressed up this year.
It seems each year less and less people dress up.
But it was cute to see all the little kids in their costumes :)

:: 2007 29 October :: 5.50 pm

BETRAYAL.
DECEPTION.
HATE FOR HUMANITY.

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