A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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:: 2007 28 May :: 1.59 am

I am slowly learning the lesson that I have only but myself to rely on.
People are not worth it, they arnt worth the time or energy.
So far every single person I have had the pleasure of letting into my life has fucked me and caused me a whole bunch of useless emotional pain and stress.
That being said there are the select few who have showed me what true friendship is. Tianna & Gaetan. And my mother who has never let me down.

I FUCKING HATE YOU

:: 2007 24 May :: 12.14 am

& when I press the keys it all gets reversed, the sound of loneliness makes me happier.

I should have never told Jesse.
But thats life.
I hate regret.
Depressed as fuck.

:: 2007 21 May :: 10.43 am

Oh life.

I need to write about happy times more.
All my entries are the same.

:: 2007 16 May :: 1.23 am

[Hollie] How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery, to love and to be loved, let's just hope that is enough says:

no one actually wants to like me or love me or anything they just wanna fuck me. and i dont even see why.

[Lance] Pokey� | But I, I know who you really are You're the one who cries when your alone. says:

I like you... and unless your pants liek those sweet ass bondage tripps one in my size I dont have a big interest in getting your pants

:: 2007 4 May :: 4.33 pm

So this is life right now. It's okay.
I'm learning to be content with myself and my surroundings.
Taking it one step at a time.

Mostly I figured I would just give up because I wouldn't be able to graduate on time. And I wanted to take a semester off and just work.
But now things have changed. And I feel differnt. I would rather graduate and get school out of the way before I start anything new.

I desperatly want to get away. But I know that will come eventually.

I love my mom so much. Thats just something worth mentioning right now.

Lots of drama has gone on. Not now but in the past week.
I'm not sure I should bother writing about it but I guess. Because I'm sick of writing pointless entries.

So my Aunt Jamie is in England visiting her boyfriend. She is due back on May 8th. She had to be out of her house on Monday. So her son Andy was moving her out and he had a place to go but that fell through. And her daughter Ashley found out she was out of town so she went over and caused a lot of drama. Because they don't get along and shes a meth addict. So on Sunday me and my mom went over to help Andy and Ashley had taken his car and he told her she had to be back within half an hour and she said she would. Well 4 or 5 hours later she called and said that she wasnt coming back. So Matt (Andy's cousin) traced the call and it came from the Delta hotel, so Matt and Andy drove down to see if they could see the car and they could so they called the police, the police pulled up her record and shes wanted for credit card fraud. So they went in and there were 6 guys and Ashley. They found guns and plans for a robbery and so they arrested 4 guys but everyone else got out, why I don't know.
So once Ashley found out Andy had called the cops she left him a message saying "your fucking dead" or something like that. And early that week she threatend that his work would get robbed and it did. And he had been beaten up a few times.
Anyways. Andy stayed with us for a night and then he went somewhere. And hes staying there for awhile. But he left his cat with us :D It's cute, his name is squirt.
Anyways! I think thats all of it. I swear it could totally be made into a movie. :D

But i'm off to my dads for the weekend.

:: 2007 24 April :: 10.43 pm

Sucker love.

:)
Life is complicated.
I like a boy but nothing will ever come of it. But it's okay. I'm not ready for more drama.
I miss Kyle's family.
I've been thinking about Kyle less and less.
But still a lot.
I'm back at work, it's good :)
Um school...kinda sucks right now.
Friends are good. I've been more busy lately :) It's nice.
Family is good.
I've been depressed but not to the point where it's unbearable.
I've been having troubles sleeping lately aswell. I hope I don't have insomnia again.

:: 2007 23 April :: 2.12 am
:: Mood: horny

Whats your fantasy?

We stand face to face, in a dark room. I wear nothing but the handcuffs around my wrists, he is completely naked. He tells me to get on my knees and I obey. He grabs a fist full of hair and pulls my head back. Open your mouth he commands. I do as he says. He thrusts his erection into my mouth. His movements are slow and deep. He tightens his grip on my hair as his pace increases. A rough moan escapes from his throat as he comes closer to climax. He pulls out and orders me to get on the bed. I lay on my back as he hovers over me. He bites my lower lip, then my neck. I squirm as he moves down my body caressing my nipples with his tongue. I cry out in ecstasy. "Shut up you whore" he yells, as he clamps a hand firmly over my mouth. He slides his hand up my leg and vigorously shoves two fingers inside me. "Is that what you want you dirty slut?� I do not reply, he says it again, the tone of his voice louder and harsher. "Yes" I moan. He spreads my legs wider and lifts my knees to my chest. He enters me with a solid thrust, I whimper with a mix of pain and pleasure. He slaps me across the face, and blood trickles down my lip. As his thrusts become faster and stronger my breath increases, he groans as he violently penetrates me. He shoves his tongue in my mouth, and as his pace quickens I clench every muscle in my body. Finally with one firm thrust he erupts inside me. I wrap my legs around him and scream as I climax. My body shakes as he pulls out. I lick the cum off of his still hard erection. We lay entwined together on the bed, breathing together in unison.

:: 2007 14 April :: 3.20 pm

My stupid fuck.

I fucking hate EVERYONE.

I miss Tianna.

Everyone else should fucking die.

:: 2007 8 April :: 1.27 am

Suprise Suprise.
Kyle started dating someone new like the next week.
Now all he does is talk about her because shes so amazing apparently.
I shouldn't let it get to me but it does.
I wish I never met him.
Well that isnt entirely true. It wasnt all bad.
I hope karma comes around a bites him in the ass.

This is my impression of him now:

Lyke and then i got drunk with my girlfriend and then this happend while i was sooooooooo drunk with my girlfriend and then i did this all drunk and this person was drunk and i was so drunk and puked and my girlfriend was so drunk and we were just all so drunk 2 nights in a row and we went to a punk show all drunk and we were drunk at a punk show and it was hardcore.

Other than that, cara came to visit with her baby. So cute! And her boy Dallas is real nice.

And Tianna is grounded for 6 months because she got caught skippin school again.
And her parents blame me. Even though im more positive for her than they are, they didnt graduate, they cant hold a steady job and they just sit and smoke crack.

Anyways all for now. To much to write and I dont feel like thinkin about it.

:: 2007 18 March :: 9.51 pm

Smash my baby doll;

- Me and Kyle split
- Not even 4 hours later he was fucking some chick
- I don't see how you can just stop loving someone or caring?
- I also can't believe you can throw away something thats been over a year just like that
- My heart is really broken. But I think I'm taking it okay, I really have no choice, I'm upset that it ended like this. And it sucks because I love him more than he will ever know and he wont even tell me why he ended it or why he did what he did.
- Planning on just being single, I don't want to be with anyone other than Kyle, so i'm going to need lots of time to get over him.
- Been pretty stressed out. Mom had an anxiety attack and I had to call 911, she was passing out and stuff but I thought she was like dying, so that scared me more than anything
- Smoking lots of weed lately, its not to bad
- Um schools going good, works okay.
- Idk what else to say, there is obviously HELLA I want to write about Kyle but I just don't feel like it.

:: 2007 7 March :: 11.49 pm

I wish I had someone to help me through this but I dont.
Everyone hates me.
Maybe not everyone. But everyone I trust stabs me in the back.
People are telling Kyle more lies. And hes believing everything they say. Its tearing me apart.
I'm having an emotional breakdown. Its been along time coming though.
I need help but no one wants to help me. Ive tried counsellors but they never call me back. Ive tried to get my mom to call but they dont call her back.
I feel so helpless.
I do not know what to do. I have no more options.
I guess I can't rely on anyone except myself. But I dont even know how im going to get through this.
At this point no one really cares. I wish they did. But I cant change how they feel.
I pretty much just want to crawl in a hole and die.
Everything ive been working to get i know i never will.
Its hard to wait for something I know wont happen. But I keep waiting.
I guess thats my own fault.
I just wish someone would care.
I just thought that maybe someone for once thought I was there everything.
Someone couldnt stand to see me cry, couldnt bear to hurt me.
Would do anything for me.
God knows thats how I felt about Kyle. I know I hurt him though. I didnt mean to.
I dont know what to write, or say.
I cant fix anything. Everytime I try to do something good I get shot down.
No one is on my side. Everyone wants to see me fail. No one wants me and Kyle together.
Kelci, who I thouht was my friend. Told Kyle that I liked Lance, she told him all this stuff.
And its not true. But he wont believe me no matter what I say or do.
Its not true. The only one I want to be with is him.
And no one else wants that.
Like for once I wish everyone would stay out of my life and my relationship. If your just going to stab me in the back why talk to me in the first place.
I cant believe how cruel people can be.
I try so hard and it gets me no where.
I try to do good at everything. I try and do what everyone tells me.
Oh do this and he will get back together with you. Or no you should just leave him you deserve better. Kelci actually told me that, amoung a bunch of other people that did.
Kelci actually said "oh you deserve better and if hes just going to keep hurting you why be with him?".
She also said "ive seen and been in bad relationships. And your relationship is bad".
Like cant people mind there own fucking buissness.
I remember it used to be good when people werent fucking involved.
I would give anything to have those times back.
Whats the point in living anyways?
I have to go to school, I have to go to work. I have to do this and that.
Then I have to graduate and get a good job and move out and buy a house.
Like what the fuck do I have to do all this for if I die in the end anyways?
I know I sounds all stupid and emo but everyone fucking gets emotional.
Was it so wrong for me to think that maybe once someone really wanted to be with me and only me. For once someone would hold me when Im sad and do anything to cheer me up.
But maybe I need to find happiness on my own?
I don't really see how thats possible when everyones mad at you.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate not knowing what to do.
I hate that no one is there for me.
I hate that no one cares.
I hate being the one that has to get up and go to school and go to work.
I hate that I have no one to go to.
No one to hug me
No one to hold me or kiss me
No one to tell me its going to be okay.
I hate how I have to cry myself to sleep.
I hate how I know things arent going to get better. But I still try.
I hate myself.
I hate how I care no matter what
I hate how I let myself get treated the way I do.
I hate how I never stand up for myself and always lets people walk all over me.
I hate how everyone just laughs in my face.
Or talks behind my back.
Or tries to ruin my life.
Like did anyone every consider that Kyle was the only thing I really had?
Sure I have my mom. And Tianna.
But Tianna doesnt know what im going through.
Fuck all the people that said they would be there for me.

:: 2007 2 March :: 5.12 pm

All I ever wanted;

Kyle is fuckin useless.
He called. I wish he didnt. He was a jerk. And blamed me for him being paranoid. Now he knows how I feel.
I knew nothing would change.

Its like nothing he did to me the past 3 months matter because it was all because of a drug problem. And now hes all in detox so its like oh yay kyle. im so proud of you for getting of the fucking drugs you started doing in the first place cause you couldnt deal with your fucking shit. When i have to put up with so much.
But you know whatever fuck him. I dont need this shit in my life. And hes probably going to relapse anyways.
Like he didnt even say he loved me during our conversation at all. And the only reason he said he missed me was because I asked him.
And when he went in on Monday he acted like it didnt matter and he didnt even kiss me or hug me or anything like that.
So fuck his bullshit.

:: 2007 1 March :: 8.24 pm

Should have known better.

I fell really hard in skating. My knees hurt.
I get to see Kyle Sunday for a bit.
I work all weekend.
It sucks.

:: 2007 27 February :: 12.57 am

Tianna: That reminds me of a movie called hedwig and the angry inch, about some guy who dresses up as a girl and so on
Hollie: Oh i've heard of that
Tianna: Yeah i've told you about it
Hollie: Yeah, i've heard the name before. But I always thought it was some childrens movie
Tianna: "The angry inch..."
Hollie: OH... like the inch is a penis... I always thought the inch was some mythical creature, and that hedwig was an owl...

:: 2007 25 February :: 9.57 pm

Kyle is addicted. So much to write, can't think now.

My name is Meth.
I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town.

I live with the rich; I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.

In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms,
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.

You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

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