A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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:: 2007 19 February :: 12.08 pm

Fucked up my everything;

So, last week went fine.
Last sunday I pretty much said either be with me or im not doing this anymore.
I waited a few days and then Kyle said he wanted to get back into a relationship. I wasnt sure because it felt like he just wanted to because I said I wouldnt do it anymore. So we were supposed to talk on sunday..and the week went fine
Valentines day was good, Kyles birthday was good, even though I didn't really see him on it.
Until we went to that rave.
I was having like the best time ever I had so much fun.
I was dancing and sitting with Kyle and he was all fucked on drugs and I met a lot of really nice people and everyone was complimenting me.
And then I was dancing with this guy and he kissed me. And I kissed him back for like a second. But Kyle saw. And from then on nothings really been okay.
At this point i'm pretty sure that were not going to get back together. And idk.
Before I was thinking how much he doesnt care and how much he doesnt love me anymore. But now I realize he does. Cause if he didn't why would it hurt him so much.
I don't really know what to say theres so much going on in my head.
And theres nothing I can do to fix things.
Ive apologized, I wrote him a huge letter. I even thought of baking cup cakes and writing I love you Im sorry on them. But thats just stupid.
I feel so sick. And alone.
I know I hurt him. And it hurts me so much to see him hurt like that.
And I didn't mean for it to happen.
I like don't know what to write, theres so much to say but I can't really form sentences with it, it's just all jumbled up in my head.
Like on one hand Im willing to do anything to make it up to him..
But on the other it's like whats the point no matter what I do or say I cant fix it. And I don't want to go through all this.
I know it kills him but it kills me too.
I hate feeling so alone. Like no one really cares or anything. When I told my dad and tianna they just said good, he finally gets a taste of his own medicine. Which I guess in some ways is true. But he never kissed another girl. I know hes cheated on me. But that was so long ago and at this point its not worth bringing up because ive dealt with it and moved on.
I just hate it like i hate crying every night I hate just doing anything in general. It makes me sick to my stomach. Im like sad but at the same time emotionless.
I dont know. Theres to much to think about and say now so im not going to write about it.
I'll write again soon, maybe when more of it is clear.

The great disappointment

:: 2007 27 January :: 10.24 pm

Every girl has that one boy that she'll never get over.
That one who makes them laugh.
The one who gives you butterflies when someone simply says his name.
That one who remembers the stupid things you say and reminds you about it months from now.
The one who has his name written all over your heart.
The one who you compare every other guy to.
That one boy who you never could get sick of talking about.
The one when you first saw him you knew that you loved him.
The one that in some way will always break your heart . . .

:: 2007 21 January :: 9.24 pm

For you I bleed myself dry;

I met my other brother this weekend :D
Hes 29. He lives in Cranbrooke. Which is about 3 or 4 hours away from Calgary.
Him and my dad picked me up from skating and we went to the malahat lookout and it was so sunny. It was nice :)
Then all of us and my mom, sister and sabrina went for sushi.
Then tonight once I got off work him and dad picked me up and we drove him to the airport. I really like him, hes nice. And I think I'm gonna go visit him in the summer. I connected more with him in 2 days than I ever have with my other brother, and ive known him since I was 7.

My new job is okay. Its more confusing than I thought it would be. But I like it. And I will get the hang of it soon =]

Cara had her baby. It's cute :) There coming out in April, I can't wait to see her. And I think I will probably go visit them in the summer to :)

I don't know whats going on with Kyle anymore. I think its pretty much over.
I barely hear from him. I heard from him like once this weekend. Cause he was sick. Other than that he just spends all his time with Tarl getting high and shit.
But oh well.

I just wish I had someone special in my life right now. Stuff has been hard and it feels like im on my own. And it's not just because me and kyle are pretty much through. Its just I feel like hes never there for me and never has been except really early on in our relationship.

Idk. Im just sick of everything.

No one ever said it would be this hard

:: 2007 16 January :: 1.38 am

I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD

:: 2007 16 January :: 1.24 am

Death of seasons;

Its not even worth it anymore.
I cant feel how I want without someone having an opinion.
I live for nothing or no one.
I have no meaning anymore.
Call me emo, call me crazy.
Thats how I feel. If no ones willing to take me as I am than fuck you.
I wont change anymore. I dont need people.
I have myself.
Thats all I really need.
Fuck friends, fuck relationships, fuck love, fuck everything I feel.

:: 2007 4 January :: 12.00 pm

I want the boy who calls me just to say hi.
The boy who drops by just to tell me he loves me
The boy whos proud to have me
The boy who loves me and makes sure everyone knows it
The boy whos faithful and honest, and would never ever lie
The boy whos heart breaks everytime I cry
The boy that makes me smile all the time
The boy that holds me in his arms
The boy who shows affection for me in public
The boy whos face lights up every time he sees me
The boy who calls me beautiful when I look my worst
The boy who appreciates me for who I am
The boy who doesn't try to make me change
The boy who actually cares & wont walk out on me
The boy who will always be there no matter what

:: 2007 3 January :: 9.08 pm

:In the end all I want is you:

Okay so I thought the new years would start off pretty good... I was totally wrong.
I got really really sick around 8 on new years day. And I was hella hella sick for atleast 10 hours. With a few little breaks in between.
I honestly thought I was dieing.
And yesterday I couldn't keep anything down, I just kept puking. In 24 hours I lost 10 pounds!.
And this is like the 3rd day of being sick. But finally around like 7 I ate some protein and drank some gatorade to replace some electrolytes.
And I feel a lot better. Still not 100% though.

What really fucking pisses me off is how Kyle hasnt been there for me through any of this. I sat with him for 2 days while he was sick. And looked after him tending to all his needs. I ran him baths, got him drinks, rubbed his tummy, got him cold cloths. And all the rest.
And he hasnt came to visit me once in the past 3 days.
I can see why the first day, just because I didnt even want to see anyone. BUT he hasnt even called. AT ALL. So its nice to know I put out so much, and get NOTHING at all in return. Atleast have the desency to call me or atleast spend some time with me. God knows ive busted my fucking ass for you.

It has actually kind of opened my eyes to realize how much he wont be there when I need him and how much he doesnt care.
So new start... maybe??

AND Tianna broke up with Chris finally, so that might help me a little more.

And my job interview is at friday at 10 cause I was way to sick to go yesterday.
And Kelsey is probably sleeping over tommorow night :)

:: 2007 1 January :: 2.42 am

HAPPY NEW YEARS.

I have a job interview at Canadian tire on tuesday, or wednesday.
I forget... But im excited.
And I get paid on wednesday.
So far this new year isnt starting out to bad.
Maybe 2007 will be good!

So I need to get in shape. I wanna wear a bikini this summer and not look disgusting.
I need to get rid of everything bad in my life.
I have to start saving money. Hopefully put away atleast 5000 by the end of the year. At least.
OH and get back into my school work. Even if it means going to summer school.
I have to finish socials 10 and 11. And math 11.
And for once pass sewing.

My new years eve was good. I slept until 12 and then got woken up and went home to my moms. Then Tianna came over and me her and Jodi went downtown for a bit. Then we came home and I went out to Kyles and we watched Clerks 2, My super ex girlfriend & Femme Fatal. They were all really good.
And I fucked in the new years. Which was cool :D
And yeah its going good so far, I hope I don't screw it up this time!

:: 2006 17 December :: 3.37 pm

Go on pull the trigger.

Don't think it can hurt anymore than it already does;

My 16th birthday wasnt great.
It sucked.
But Kyle tryed to make it good, and that was so sweet. Im glad I got to spend it with him.
I dont care If i was sick. Or there was no power. It was nice to stay with him.

:: 2006 6 December :: 5.31 pm

Fuck Everything I said earlier.

FUCK you.
FUCK kyle.
FUCK tarl.
FUCK everyone in my life right now.

I'm fucking sick of this.
I try so hard.
And i get fucking nothing.
I HATE YOU
I FUCKING HATE YOU
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF
I FUCKING HATE EVERYHING
I FUCKING WISH I WAS DEAD.
BECAUSE THEN I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN
I FUCKING HATE LIFE
I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE
I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING
I FUCKING HATE HOW YOU DONT CARE
I FUCKING HATE HOW YOUR SO SELF CENTERED
I FUCKING HATE HOW I ALWAYS TAKE THE BLAME
I FUCKING HATE HOW NO ONE EVEN PAYS ATTENTION
I FUCKING HATE HOW I GET IN TROUBLE FOR TRYING TO DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS
I FUCKING HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I FUCKING HATE YOU

:: 2006 6 December :: 3.31 pm

Its my birthday soon :D

Everything else sucks right now.

:: 2006 28 November :: 9.31 pm

My celebrity crushes<3

Travis Barker
Marilyn Manson
Dita Von Teese
Davey Havok
Tom Delonge
Ben Kowalewicz

I know i'm lame

:: 2006 2 November :: 10.03 pm

FUCK YOU.
FUCK EVERYTHING.
FUCK MY FUCKING USELESS EXISTANCE.

:: 2006 17 September :: 2.34 pm

Fight.

The past couple days where okay i guess.
Kyles a fucking douche for reading my journal.
Uh I spent most of the weekend at kyles.
We hung out it was cool.. I went shopping with his sister Kisa.

:: 2006 9 May :: 10.57 pm

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

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