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2008 17 April :: 12.48 am
INTERPRETIVE DANCES
- Little Jewish Boy
- Romeo & Juliette
- Hunting Season
- Creatures of the Sea
- Birth
Save my sanity |
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2008 2 April :: 2.08 am
Everybody gets that way;
I've been getting a lot of anxiety attacks lately.
I finally went back to school today and I saw Kevin and then I had one.
Idk I'm so emotionally fucked.
Then I'm all confused because I like Tyler and Grant. But I'm not ready for anything.
Grant added me on facebook and we talked and then he added me on msn and he said he wanted to hang out saturday and that he would call me tuesday. Well it's tuesday, well not anymore technically but he sent me a txt after work around 10:30ish saying he was home and I should call, but I was at the gym then. So I found out around like 11:40 and I figured it was to late to call him but I did anyways and he sounded so cute and sleepy, but he talked to me for quite awhile but I was on my way to Kyles so after fifteen minutes I figured I should get off the phone but yeah.
And then at Kyles, Tyler came over and Kyle made it so fucking akward, he made up this huge song about how me and Tyler are going to have sex and it was really funny but then I had like another anxiety attack. And yeah, I like Tyler but I'm not ready for anything and I really can't sleep with anyone else unless it means something.
Anyways, I saw Sammy today, I'm soooooo glad shes back :)
But I had a pretty good time with Kisa on the weekend and stuff, I just laugh sooooo much when I'm with her. Shes going to be my grad date :)
Anyways I think I might go see Jesse.
Save my sanity |
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2008 31 March :: 4.26 pm
I dreamed I was missing.
I keep dreaming about Kevin.
The past five nights I've dreamt about him.
It's making me miserable.
I'm getting really worried about my future and school.
Save my sanity |
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2008 25 March :: 1.36 am
Never seen the sea;;
Tommorow I'm spending the day with mommy. Were going to catch the bus downtown and go to the museum. I'm really excited.
Tommorow night I'm driving out to granny and papas for dinner, I love them so much.
I feel like change.
& you havent once left my mind.
Save my sanity |
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2008 23 March :: 12.17 am
Lullabies & Little Spies;
Wow, it's been awhile. I just havent had the motivation to update.
Kevin has a new girlfriend now. It sucks.
I'm doing better though.
I'm constantly finding out new things, hes a huge liar and he fucked that Hannah chick when me and him werent really over yet.
Anyways theres plenty I could elaborate on there but it's not worth it.
Skatings over for the season, it ended last Monday. I will miss it :(
Spring break has been okay. I've worked lots and mostly just hung out with Steph, Jada and Tianna and her boyfriend Jesse.
I wanna go camping sometime soon.
I miss Kisa, she sailing but she'll be back tommorow.
And Sammy is in Disney world, she wont be back for another two weeks. I hella miss her.
Ashley is back but I havent seen her. I could care less at this point because shes made no attempt to see me.
Im still really really depressed and I still really miss Kevin. But I'm managing.
Save my sanity |
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2008 13 March :: 4.43 pm
I'm living in fucking hell.
Save my sanity |
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2008 10 March :: 4.23 pm
Your everything I want, your everything I need, yet you just dont fucking get it.
Why the fuck was it so easy for you to just get over it?
Save my sanity |
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2008 7 March :: 10.17 am
& I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong;
So yesterday I told Kevin I couldn't do it anymore, he really didn't seem to care.
It just seems like we go through a week of it being really bad and then theres one day that it's good.
It's just fucking with my emotions way to much.
I love him, and this has been the hardest thing ive had to do.
He's all I think about, and all I want to do is phone him, but I know he isnt waiting for my call. I'm still hanging on to the slightest hope that he will change his mind. But my hope is slowly running out, thank god.
I wrote this when we first started going out:
Forever is what I see when I look in your eyes
Forever with you I live without disguise
Forever your kiss rests upon my lips
Forever your hands touch my finger tips
Forever with you is everlasting bliss
Forever with you I’m lost in all this
Forever I want to be by your side
Forever I have no secrets to hide
Forever and always will I love you so
Forever and always please don’t ever go
Forever I promise I will always be true
Forever all I want is to be with you
And I meant every word of it. And I wrote this yesterday:
I wish you could understand
How much this is hurting me
I never meant to hurt you
I wish I could make you see
You never try and stop me
And always walk away
And it feels like you never listen
To what I have to say
I can’t sleep or eat
And my body feels the pain
You’re the only thing I think about
And it’s driving me insane
But through all the tears and heartbreak
I still can’t seem to let go
And I’ll never give up or stop loving you
That I want you to know
So I’m sorry that I hurt you
And for what I’ve done and said
But living a life without you
I’d rather as soon be dead
I know there stupid but oh well.
I finally slept last night, I knocked myself out with gravol, I didn't sleep good, but I slept. I still havent been able to eat but I'm not to worried about that.
Right now I just need to surround myself with friends, to bad I don't really have any, other than Sammy, but shes going through a lot right now to. And I have Kisa but shes usually busy.
It's funny because when I broke up with Kyle and Joel, Kevin was always there for me, so it makes this really difficult.
That being said, I don't think he's the person I thought he was. He is pretty much just like every other guy. I know I hurt him, but at some point you just need to be willing to move on and get over it.
And the past three weeks have been hell trying to make it up to him. And hes hurt me a lot during those three weeks, and i'm still willing to fight for a relationship with him, because I thought it meant more than just some stupid highschool drama, but I guess not.
Save my sanity |
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2008 5 March :: 2.59 pm
Do this with me;
This shouldn't hurt so much :(
Save my sanity |
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2008 2 March :: 10.12 pm
I miss you,
So I guess me and Kevin are over.
He misses Alicia and they kissed last night apparently.
Theres a lot to explain but I just dont have the energy.
As he walked away I was like "Is it really that easy to just walk away from me..." and he replied with "Yeah, it is that easy"
Save my sanity |
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2008 29 February :: 6.56 pm
Lifes waiting to begin,
Ugh... I want to update but theres really nothing to say.
Me and Kevin are at a stand still, I'm not sure what to do.
All I can do is hope.
Save my sanity |
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2008 21 February :: 5.13 pm
...I'll be okay... yeah right.
I'm a mess and I can't help it.
There is so much I want to say.
FUCK.
I fucking hate myself.
No wonder I'm not worth it, I never have been and never will be.
Save my sanity |
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2008 21 February :: 5.11 pm
We use to love one another;;
& this is all my fault.
I'd give anything to have it all back.
Save my sanity |
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2008 16 February :: 8.44 pm
Nothing else matters;
I wish I could say something like "I hope you know what your losing" or something a long the lines of that, but I know he really isnt losing anything thats worth actually fighting for.
I'm sick of this. Once again and more than likely not the last time, I feel as if nothing is worth putting effort into, my heart aches and I'm overwhelmed with emotion, none of which to say the least are even remotly good.
I've given up. This feeling totally out weighs any joys a relationship could possibly produce no matter how short or long it lasts.
Save my sanity |
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2008 15 February :: 2.54 pm
& the hardest part is letting go;;
Ugh I feel like shit.
Fuck Kevin. I wish we never started dating.
Save my sanity |
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