arrivistemerkaba
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2011 8 June :: 3.29pm
:: Mood: contemplative
An uncommon dream.
Usually I wouldn't mention this sort of thing in a public journal, but it was such a surreal experience that I couldn't help myself.
Last night I dreamed all night about the same thing. I was out in a moutain cabin, but the kind that you find around Idaho, not really lush or green and full of light dust and trees that are almost beached to the whiteness of salt.
Many people were there, but the ones that are still vivid in my head are Kelsey and Jon.
Mmmhmn, this is a Jon dream folks.
All through the dream Jon was mad at me and I was working my hardest to get him to forgive me, to kiss me, to tell me I haddn't messed up everything. When I thought about WHAT it was he was mad at me for it was all the things that JOE has used to define why he won't come back to me. The entire dream he would hug me and tell me we'd work it out but at the same time he would look at me with the same cold hatedred that I feel from Joe whenever I talk to him.
All throught the dream not much happened, it was a very realistic day in the life sort of line of events. People visited and talked, I played videogames and it was all the sort of thing that people wake up from and wonder why they are in a bed.
Through the dream I knew that Jon and Kelsey were together slightly in secret but in a public way. I hated it, and eventually I confronted Jon about it, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make him come back to me. He said no, and told me to get out, I wasn't allowed to live in his house anymore. As I packed things up sobbing it HIT ME.
It REALLY HIT ME.
This couldn't be Jon I was talking to. Jon is in jail right now, two counts of burglery. That was the second that I took control of the dream and I realized that it WAS a dream that it couldn't be happening
You see, for the past week or so Jon has been trying to set up a video conference with me through the Ada Jail, and I keep looking over it and being very displeased. I can't say that I didn't expect it, he is very easy to manipulate and his wife is pustule on the dick of society. I knew from the moment that he moved in with her that it would end up like this. I am however, very angry at him because I cannot fathom how someone could be so STUPID to get involved in that AGAIN. He hates Jail, he goes and does anything possible to get back out, so it is so pathetic that he would put himself into the situation again.
Back to the dream though, as I figured out that I was facing down with a fake Jon I moved to pack my things more quickly, I just wanted to leave the house and figure out what the left step would be. He followed me out the door and looked down at me, opening his mouth to tell me something. I didn't hear what it was he said, but I remember thinking "If this is not Jon, then who else would hurt me like this?"
I woke up after that, my throat screaming with pain. I have strep.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 7 June :: 4.59pm
:: Mood: confused
Hmmf.
Yesterday was very horrible. I almost broke down and texted Joe.
I'm pretty angry at myself.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 5 June :: 2.11pm
:: Mood: anxious
When the cabbit's away the rats will play.
Hmn, that's akward. Dear miss Annon, you recorded your IP address when you commented on all those posts. Really awesome plan there, since it gives away who you are since when you facebook harassed me about this same issue your IP was also recorded there.
Just make an account if you want a flame war, it's so much more orginized that way. We can use pretty icons and me bestie bitches!
PS: Not using punctuation and capitals sort of didn't help you here, since that gives away a way overthought comment.
MOVING ON. ->
Yesterday I was in WAY too much pain to long on, so I just slept most of the day. Woke up to a flat tire on the bike today. Mmm smell that omen right there? I do.
At some point in the night I got a wild hare up my ass and cleaned the bathroom. Scrubbed the tobbacco stained walls, unclogged the tub, used heavy duty kills babies style cleaning products. Booyah or something.
I'm sort of bored now, I just came to the library to get out of the house... if I could make it to Anne Morrison I would rather be there. I guess I can sunbathe when I get home... Hmf.
I wonder if I should delete those comments now? I'll think about it.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 3 June :: 2.32pm
:: Mood: crushed
-
Seeing the thing in my nightmares most nights commenting on his things rips me apart. I can't even justify my hate anymore. I wish I could just run off and not have to live anymore.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 1 June :: 4.21pm
:: Mood: chipper
I am GOING DOOOOWWWN
So, I was SUPPOSED to be going to a new counciler today but I canceled yesterday because they were not co-operating with my insurence company. They were telling me to bring 170$ up front with me today. Fuuuuck that.
I'm starting to think that I have the lame duck of insurence companies. Everyone I go to is trying to dodge them! What, is it like my insurence is run by the mafia? Haha, doubtful since if it was I would likely get more respect!
Ben keeps asking me to come over to his place, and I finally broke down and said I would stop in tomarrow at some point. It's not that I don't WANT to go over there and watch him play LA Noir, it's just a hassle to get there. Plus it's by my old house and that makes me sort of depressed. I have been thinking about the Lancaster house so much lately, I have all kinds of day dreams where Joe and I live there together and the basement is always bustling with the Boy Squad gaming and being dorks. I wish there was some way to get it back, I would live there alone if I had to, if it meant finally being "home".
Though I wouldn't have to. XD Kelsey would flip shit to live there with me, and I'm sure Wes would love to come for an exchange summer at BSU. Hell, I'd fly Pheonix down and have a grand old party~! I KNOW Ren would get in on it too. Silly guy.
Living at the Lancaster place would mean never having to be alone, I believe. That would be heaven...
There are holes in my fucking mouth and my gum keeps just diving into one or the other and it is so deep in that I have a hard time getting them out. x_x I wish they would close up. It gives me a new found respect for why Joe doesn't know if he would get his sharks removed if he had the money.
I'm trying to get a shiny Mareep in Pokemon, I don't understand chaining. x_x I want to do a hunt for Bunearies, but I don't have a game where I can catch them. ; ;
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 29 May :: 2.44pm
:: Mood: crushed
Texts are pointless
I woke up to a very bad dream today. I wish I would stop having these sorts of issues.
I...don't really have anything to say. I feel like I did at some point, but not anymore...
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 28 May :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: content
Chubby cheeks.
Yesterday was satisfactory I guess. I feel very unfulfilled.
Ana and I got ahold of eachother, she's in town for Anime Oasis + seeing family, so we got a chance to hang out. I ended up spending most of the evening with her. She's just like I remember, with all of the same problems that she always had.
Maia is a baby that I don't quite hate, but I feel like I could grow to hate quickly. Her face is very huge and she is always angry. Always. She laughed when Ana said "Bullshit". That is the kind of baby she is.
We went to dinner with Jessica and it was a little infuriating. After she just ditched me out of her life and cut all ties she just treated me like we had always talked and been fine. WE ARE NOT FINE. I just wanted to confront her all night but I held it back for the sake of Ana. I know that Ana is a creepy social queen somehow who never makes enemies no matter how rude and horrible she is to them. That is frustrating too.
I missed Ren's nightly call, and it felt a little guilty. I know he's not like... dependant on it and nor am I but it is at least nice to talk to him even if it's just us playing Pokemon and describing our battles together. I would rather be chatting with someone else. :/
Facebook is boring today, everyone is at AO. Bleh.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 27 May :: 3.03pm
:: Mood: exhausted
Fuck 2.0
It is raining SO HARD OUT THERE UUUUUUF!!!
I want to be out walking in it but I just got here. :<
Yesterday just sort of got worse and worse from the moment I woke up, and hasn't really gotten better. Well, no I guess that isn't true, Ben is being nice to be again and I don't feel like I'm going to faint anymore. Small improvements, but I guess that is what people are supposed to be greatful for.
I am so tired of mixed signals.
I can't believe it's almost been two months... -sigh- I need to make some more doctor's appointments. I feel like time hasn't moved an inch. Like I can still wake up next to him and kiss his lips and explain that I'm not sick anymore and we can do anything we want. I can't though.
Grandma and everyone else is blaming Joe for my hightened depression and my S.A.D.s... I get so mad. It wasn't him, it's my fault. I should never have moved to Emmett, I should have just sacrificed to get Joe to move to Boise with me. I honestly believe that if I had managed that I would have never gotten so hard to handle for him, I would have never fallen so far. We would still be together...
I keep getting pressured for dates from various male friends. I am alienating them because I can't stand it. It's filthy. No matter how much I tell myself that Joe and I are done just the idea of going to dinner with someone else feels like a betrayal.
I love him so much.
I hate this.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 26 May :: 6.02pm
:: Mood: still compulsive
Shit.
Forget my last post. I compulsively made it VERY private.
I am still very serious about what I said, I just decided that it'll go better if no-one knows.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 25 May :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: high
Nutrality is overated.
Had a really rad day on Monday! I ended up wandering around downtown Boise and the greenbelt with Benchoo. >w< It was hella fun, I missed that part of town so much! I saw a bunch of familiar stuff and got to tell a bunch of stories about when I was in highschool. I really am glad that I am back in Boise, I mean I am really lonely most of the time but I'm so... relaxed.
I get to walk around as much as I want, and I never feel like I'm getting looked at too much. Even after that fuckery last Friday with the attack I am feeling really good. Kelsey and Ben have been really supportive and having Wes really calmed me down. Ana should be in town soon too, and she has been very kind about the whole thing.
Heh, I am pretty sore from Monday through, I didn't think I would be out here so soon after that night...
I am really happy right now!
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 21 May :: 2.34pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Serious post.
On the way home last night I was attacked in the street. I didn't get a good description of the men who did it, and even if I did I don't know if I would have the courage to step up to the police.
I feel very violated and scared, and very angry. Getting to the Library today was... I sat on my porch just silent trying to get the courage to walk out to the street for three hours. Mom ended up driving me but I am detirmened to get home on my own.
I am for the most part fine, some scratches and bruises but they didn't manage to get into my clothes so I feel like as long as I don't think about them touching me and throwing me around too much I can get over it. I'll never trust this City again... or at least I won't for awhile.
I don't know. I'm really emotional. I don't know what to think anymore...
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 20 May :: 5.17pm
:: Mood: Pissed
This asshole.
Just cancled my counciler appointment. I don't want to learn to make new friends, I am doing FUCKING fine all my myself.
Friends just lie.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 18 May :: 3.14pm
:: Mood: exanimate
Easily the clearest options.
What a nice rainy day, can't wait to walk home.
I woke up to a very serious realization, as I revisited for the millionth time Joe and my relationship in my dreams. My Subconscious is trying to demonize Joe so that I can get over him. In the past I dated cheating, lying, dickbags who were easy to get over because they were worth all the anger I felt towards them.
Joe is a loving, kind, hillarious amazing man who is worth every ounce of my love, and that makes him hell to get over. My heart and my soul want to love him until the day I die, but my mind is trying to save me from the pain of this recovery from him. It's an internal battle going on at all times inside me.
No matter what happens, no matter if we never get back together... I will never stop fighting to keep my heart and soul true! I love Joseph P. Sweet!
I always will. :)
My nails are pretty rockin today, I'm really proud of myself. I did my makeup again today~ (-3 points because I didn't change outfits... Gotta start somewhere...) I may want to fall apart emotionally and physically (when I don't have my lovely pile of meds handy) but I'm slowly getting some of my pride back.
Today might end up being a good day. Still too early to tell though.
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 17 May :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: enthralled
A fevered rise of voices.
Oh evergrowing variety of pills, how frustrating it is to look at you all.
I don't even know what possessed me to come here today, I am tired of being sick... I guess my overwhelming desire to actually have a conversation since people are big fat pussies and won't take a fucking call.
"I'm not a talker."
Bullshit. You want to talk to me, I don't have a computer, you fuckin call. That is how the world works. Want me to send a fucking CROW?!
Ugh, sudden bad mood.
"Sudden"
Thinking of going to watch Ben's band play one of these nights when I don't feel like my head is going to shoot lava out both of my ears.
(See: how I feel right this second.)
At least I'm wearing make-up today. I am legit proud of myself.
Go Nee!
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arrivistemerkaba
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2011 15 May :: 1.03pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
Leveling up with a handycap.
Last night was rad, but I think the universe is punishing me for being happy.
I watched Burlesque and Black Swan with Kelsey last night, they were both great films. I have to admit that I am absolutely obsessed with Burlesque dancing. I might actually look into some videos and learning tapes, because it looks like a great work out and a ton of fun. :3
Black Swan was about how I expected, minus some of the timeline expectations. Otherwise a good film, I'd reccomend it.
Today didn't really start out too promising. I sort of want to just walk away from the Library today and not consern myself with what happens back at the house. I'm not healed, I would likely just make myself more sick... but sometimes I just think it would be better that way.
I dunno, talking to Wes sort of cheers me up, but he's too... cheerful. I get tired of him so quickly. He reminds me of Pat and Cody if they had a gay love child. Full of pride and not alot of subsance. Well no that's not true, I just find him boring. XD
I miss cheesy chicken casarole.
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