<b>Once upon a time, a Xhan lived here.</b>

Once upon a time, a Xhan lived here.

:: 2008 30 July :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Fading" by Brainstorm

Those bitches at Arby's man...
Dear God, tonight was fucking amusing. Well, until I got home at least. Now I'm dealing with psychobabble bullshit. That sounds like it should be the name of a song or something. xD

See, people don't understand why I can't live a normal life. >.> Trust me, I'd LOVE to, but I can't. This is why I can't wait to just move out. Sadly, that probably won't be until after college is through. *Sigh*

Let's see. I have a mother with SERIOUS mental issues. She thinks the world's out to get her and has like, at least one or two serious panic attacks a day. I'm not talking about how most people get them, I'm talking about like, seriously messed up shit. Like, "Oh my God, there's a drop of water on the sink, I think someone broke in through the kitchen window" and things like that. It's seriously fucking psycho. So basically, I have to suffer because of that. I'm not saying that to sound like a selfish bitch, but it's true. I try not to enable her, but at the same time, she's my mom so I have to basically treat her like a child sometimes. It really sucks. Sometimes it just pushes you to the edge.

My dad. He's got issues too. We won't go there right now. At least I can do normal things with him though. My mom doesn't really even go out anymore because of her problems. It sucks. She used to be a really lively and active person, I guess sort of like how I am now. :\ But yeah, he's more so the one that understands that I'm an adult now and that I need to make my own decisions and do things for myself and whatnot. It's cool that he treats me like an equal, so we can sit there and talk as adults, but that he still thinks of me as his little girl so he's still protective or me and everything.

Man, now I feel like I just want to erase that entire last blurb. I'm not trying to cut them down or anything. I love them both very much, and they're two of my best friends. I just need to vent sometimes. Everyone does.

BUT DUDE!! The people at Arby's made me laugh today. This one chick consistantly kept messing up Matt's order. They got mine perfect, first try, but kept screwing his up and overcharged him and whatnot. It kind of makes me laugh.

I HAVE NOS!! House drinks Nos... That's all that matters. Don't believe me? I have a screenshot from the show. I'll prove it to you. Thus, House + Nos = Amazing! House rocks, Nos rocks. It all adds up. It's funny because I usually don't know many people that drink it. *Shrug* It's a bit tangy, passionfruity. Very good. :)

Hmm, what else? I'm betting more than likely that Jim is avoiding me lately. It sucks. We started talking more, and now we just kind of aren't. Oh well. I think I want to sing tonight. And play my guitar. And play Runescape. And Resident Evil 2. Don't ask, I have a massive urge to just make some popcorn and sit in front of the TV playing RE2 just like back in the old days. Man, I miss elementary school. Yeah, I've been playing Resident Evil since the age of 8. That's amusing. xD

Shit. I have to call the college when I wake up today. Apparently my four credits I've earned this summer aren't showing up on their end, so I have to call the man in that department to clarify to these betches that I recieved a credit for the bridge course, and 2 other credits plus an elective credit through my portfolio review. Then when that's all figured out, all I need to do is register and figure out what else I'm paying for this "schooling". Fucking art. Bah. The good part? Me and my best friend are probably going to end up in a lot of the same classes. xD It works. I'm not complaining about that. I'm excited to start school again. I've been so bored lately, it'll give me something to do.

20 days until Linkin Park!! :D Woohoo!! Ok, I don't have much more to rant about. I'll probably be back before the night's over with some more entertaining stuff and less emotional issues. xD

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 28 July :: 4.29am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "Falling Down" by Atreyu

This isn't sad.
Here's the original...

Here's what a late lonely night and photoshop will do to you...

That's not sad at all. Not in the least... xD

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 28 July :: 2.07am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "Miracle" by Cascada

So clear, so confused.
Yesterday was hell. Today was a bit better. I think things are slowly falling into place. I realized it wasn't that I needed someone else to be happy necessarily, but that I needed more time for myself.

I don't need someone else to get where I want to be. I need to be happy with myself and my life before I can be happy with someone else. So I'm just taking my time and taking everything one step at a time. Once I feel satisfied where my life on my own is, I can add someone into that balanced equation of my life. xD

I drove today. This made me extremely happy! :D I haven't in a long while. Still waiting on getting my license. Now I can have time to actually learn how to drive so I CAN get my license. I want to talk to Matt really badly so he knooows. He'd be proud. Haha! I even drove inbetween 2 cars... and didn't hit EITHER of them! ^^

I went over John's today. I was feeling a bit depressed today, and trust me, they know how to handle depression over there. Let's just say it involved a basket full of chocolate. xD

By the time I got home, I was feeling much better about life, and things just started to become clearer in my mind. I think everything will be fine.

I hope.

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 27 July :: 5.40am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Psycho" by Puddle of Mudd

I can't make everyone happy, damn it!
Today has severely sucked ass. Everything is going wrong. I need to know what will make me happy. I can't fucking worry about everyone. My mother has practically disowned me. I don't really care right now. I'm so sick of hearing her tell me everything that I'm doing WRONG in MY life. Keyword there being MY.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Seriously, I don't. I miss Matt. Dear God, I just really do. I don't know. No matter what I do, it's wrong. No matter what I feel, I shouldn't.

I just want him to come take me away from this crazy house. It's almost 6 AM. My parents are up fighting over MY issues because my dad at least realizes I'm an adult and can make my own decisions, where as my mom is just going to act like a psycho bitch.

Yet it's ok. She'll play it off like she's oh so innocent and it's just us that are fucked up. Trust me, she does it all the time. She's a compulsive liar. She tells other people things we say that we never even THOUGHT of saying and it's just complete bullshit!

I'm so tired of this.

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 25 July :: 4.43pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: "Oh, It Is Love" by Hellogoodbye

This is just odd.
This entire situation. Odd. It just makes me want to beat something up. Severely.

That's all I'm saying about it at the moment. I'm standing still.

I'm a horrible person. As if I didn't know this, numerous people have felt the need to throw that fact in my face lately.

I know I'm not really. I'm just in a weird situation. Things will turn out alright in the end. They always do one way or another. I just need to focus on making sure I'm happy with life, and that I can succeed on my own. I'm so mad that this is happening. I'm tired of it. I need to be more independent.

Meh. Screw this. I get Qdoba's later. Woo hoo! I doubt I'll eat much though. I haven't been this past week. Too much on my mind. Oh well. I'm not thinking too deep about this. I'm just taking it one step at a time.

I don't know what the future is going to be like. I just need to keep on smiling and look on the bright side of things. :D

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 21 July :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: "No Fear" by The Rasmus

Everything is up, everything is down.
I'm so excited right now, and just in a good mood altogether. I feel much better now than I did the other day. I was reading that last entry of mine and I was like "Wow, talk about a change in mood."

Anyway, my college enrollment process is under way. Yes, I know I should have done this sooner, but I was planning on going to an entirely different school until just about the end of my senior year. I was going to be taking online classes for college, but then I realized that it wasn't really what I wanted. While it would have been more convenient, it would have been lacking that experience I want of actually going there and having hands on interaction with everything and meeting new people.

So yeah, I finished orientation today and now all I have to do is schedule an appointment with my counselor before I can register for classes. Woohoo! :D

I'm realizing lately that I'm sick of being held down. I have such an active mind and personality, and I'd be a total extrovert if I didn't let things hold me back. Sure, I can be totally shy and whatnot in front of people, but I have such a crazy side that people rarely see. I love going out and doing things with friends, I love singing loud and air guitaring / air drumming, get me in a mosh pit at a good concert and you'll see the real me. It's one place I can let loose and just be myself. It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Anyway, in the past few years, I've been turned into a total introvert. My boyfriend's very antisocial, so that usually screws me over if I ever want to party or something. That's not to say that I'm a party animal that wants to go out ALL the time, or that I drink or do drugs anything, because I don't. XD That's also not to say that I don't love my boyfriend, I'm crazy about him. I just always wish I had more me time and time to just go out with friends and have a good time. I also wish I had more good friends to go out with. I need to find a good club somewhere. I want to go dancing to good music. :P

This brings me to another point. I want to learn to play the drums. I don't know where this thought came from, I've just been wanting to for a while. You can never be too musically inclined. So if this little urge ever goes anywhere, I'll be able to sing, play guitar and play drums, which is good. :D

I'm also getting sick of wearing black all the time. Sure, I love my band t-shirts and I will never rid of them, but I'd love to add more color to my wardrobe again. I used to wear colors, believe it or not. XD I also want to dye my hair again. The brown with blonde highlights is nice and all, and I like the style it's in, but I miss my hair being red/auburn. I think that was the color that best reflected my personality.

God, I just want a mic in my hands! >_< You don't know how bad I just want to be on stage right now singing. I don't even care if it's just karaoke, I just want to do it. Lmao! I feel so optimistic today, it's ridiculous! I'd been so depressed the past few days, but today I just feel so great!

Who would think one phone call could totally change my outlook on things? I talked to a good friend of mine on the phone last night for a few hours, and holy crap, that is the most I've laughed in such a long time! It just felt nice to get to talk again. He reminded me of just who I really am and everything I still hope to become in my life, and how much I'm looking forward to the future. Too bad we don't live closer. It would be great if we did. He's one of those people I'd probably actually hang out with.

Man, I want to go out and do something, but Matt isn't home for another hour or so. x3 Oh well, I'll live until then. I don't really have much to say today, so I'm just going to go back to air guitaring/drumming and lip-synching to good music. Mwahahaha. One day I'll be jamming to my own music, I guaruntee it. ;)

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 18 July :: 6.14pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "One Last Hope" by Eternal Legacy

Feelings...
Are totally freakin' lame sometimes. Like, seriously.

If I could just turn the memories and feelings off, I'd be in a much better position to live out the rest of my life. Honestly, I'm so sick of caring about things I shouldn't, but as much as I tell myself not to care, I still do.

I'm losing respect for one person in particular lately, but I can't just totally give up on him because I care too much about him and he's one of my only very good friends. He likes to go out and drink. A lot. He says it helps him to loosen up and be more social because he's usually pretty shy.

That's all well and good, but it gets to the point sometimes where if he goes a few days without a drink he's like "I need a drink!" and it just kind of bugs me. I keep telling him "Dude, you don't need the stuff to live." Trust me, I could find ways to get him to loosen up without it. xD Bah. I just hope it doesn't end up controlling him. There's nothing more pathetic than someone letting a substance control them, in my opinion.

On another note. Feelings. They still suck. xD I hate the what ifs that come to mind if you sit there and think back on the past. I honestly just want to forget. I need to think with my mind and not act on my heart's impulses.

OHHH!!! ON AN EVEN BETTER NOTE!!!! GOD OF WAR 3 TRAILER!!! IS IT NOT FUCKING AMAZING!?!?! I THINK I HAD LIKE, MULTIPLE GEEKGASMS WHEN I SAW IT!!!!! :D I absolutely can't wait!

On a not so better note, Tenchu 4 trailer. Woot. Not so much woot. It's fucking Wii exclusive. I think that's the gayest thing ever seeing as how it's been on Playstation consoles from day one. Just like how Tenchu Z was for Xbox360. Wtf? They need to put these games on all consoles. Us Playstation loving Tenchu fans are totally getting ripped off. Also, I don't like the way Rikimaru's hair looks in that E3 trailer. It just looks weird. That doesn't change the fact that I want it, but still.

What the hell is up with all these new games not being as good as the originals? Resident Evil for example. RE4 was good, but just didn't have the same feel as the originals, and RE5 is going to be the same way. The good thing about these two games though is that they returned to characters from the original games. It makes me want to go play RE2 like, now. And Tenchu. Even though I haven't played the newer ones, they just don't give off the same vibe as the originals. Tenchus 1-3 were amazing, but I'd like to get my hands on the newer ones so I could compare them.

Bah. I'm done ranting. Highlights of this entry. Feelings suck. God of War 3 will be amazing. Tenchu 4 better be put on Playstation. Playstation owners are getting ripped off. Original games of series will always be the best.

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 16 July :: 3.51am
:: Mood: creative

Lame. Just lame.
That's how I feel. My sleep pattern is so messed up. I mean sure, that's good sometimes because I'm more productive at night because then nobody is awake to bug me, but then I miss going out with people when there's daylight and things like that.

Meh. I need to make an appointment up at the college for orientation sometime this week. And I need to practice my guitar. It's so lonely just sitting in there. I plan on playing it for a bit this morning after my dad leaves for work. Missing lessons for the past two weeks kind of sucks. Missed the 4th obviously due to the holiday, and the place was closed anyway. Then I missed last Friday because I had a concert to go to. It was pretty fun. 3 Doors Down and Staind.

Which reminds me... AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! One month and three days!!!!!!! :D Shit. That means I have to get to work. ^^;; I'm planning on making a sign, possibly doing art of some kind for them, since I'll be right in front of the stage. Hahaha. Linkin Park kicks major ass. Yeah, it'll probably just end up thrown up there without a second look, but oh well, it's worth a shot. xD

I got new pants the other day. There goes what was left of my graduation money. o.o I'm usually not one to blow $60 on pants at Hot Topic, but my old Tripp pants finally bit the dust and I like having one pair of them. lol!

Damn it. It's only July and I feel like I'm behind on a bunch of shit. I have to call the college and get this crap out of the way so I can enjoy the rest of my summer. >.>

Shit to do:

Call college to set up orientation appointment.

Register for classes after orientation.

Make sign / art for LP by 8/19.

Manage the Other Realm.

Get started on layouts for SoV and M&E.

Work on M&E comics and SoV art.

Stop relying on boyfriend for rides and get my license.

Learn how to cook more homemade meals.

Fix fucked up sleep schedule.

Get back into writing my book. I miss it.

Write more lyrics for music projects. o.o

Fuck. I'm screwed. I honestly plan to do WAY too many things. xD It sucks, half of these I'll only get done on a screwed up sleep schedule, like the writing and computer and art work, and the other half I need a normal sleep schedule, like driving and cooking. I'll figure this out eventually. I just need to worry about the important ones for now. The ones that have to do with me actually getting ready to start classes in the fall. Haha.

On an entirely other and more random note. My layout is so lame on here. It used to look good with my comp, but now I changed the resolution and it looks retarded. I wish there was just a way to get it to stretch to the entire page despite people resolutions. I know there's a way, I just can't figure it out. :\ That or I don't remember how. One of the two. XD

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 6 July :: 11.46pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: None. I'm sitting in the quietness. xD

Yayyy!!
My lappy is a happy lappy! :]

That's really all I have to say.

That and that I can't stand it when people are against me. I know I can't befriend EVERYONE, but still. I'm one of those people who believes that everyone should be able to get along with one another despite their differences.

I hate the feeling of losing a friend over something retarded. I tried to set things straight and failed horribly.

Dear God, I must just suck that bad. :\

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 6 July :: 12.47am
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: "Raver's Fantasy" by Tune Up!

Mwahahaha!
I wanna rave... o.o Like. Seriously. If I don't go to one soon, I might lose it. The world of a rave seems like my home, and no, I'm not talking about the E-tards. I'm talking about the drug free people who just love bright colors, good dance music, glowsticks, and just being overall energetic and happy. Sure, you're gonna get the occasional E-tard, but that's not our problem.

Yeah, I want to go to one badly. That and another Disturbed concert. Aggghhhh, I can't wait until August 19th. Projekt Revolution!!!!! :3 Third time seeing Linkin Park, but the first time I'll actually be in the pit. This kicks major ass. I love my parents for getting me tickets during the presale... XD

What else was I going to rant about?

OH YEAH! My lappy. My lappy's memory is going to sleep now. I'm going to reformat it so it can forget all the abuse I've put it through. Lmao. Just messin'. But still, it hasn't been running so great lately so I backed it up onto Matt's server and now I'm going to go reformat it. Woo hoo!

And if anyone out there in the Cleveland-ish area knows of any raves going on anywhere, let me know. XD

- Fae

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