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JustADreamer

:: 2004 15 August :: 12.33am
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: "My Will" -Inu Yasha// "Touched" -Vast [(Other)]

Nakitakunaruno..
So.. Being a sophomore royally sucks. It's completely and utterly boring, and I have almost no time for anything other than school anymore.

I've only attended school as a sophomore two days and I can already tell what kind of a school year it is going to be.. only worse. Even lunch is boring. English is the only class not so bad. That, and Geometry. Because the teacher is funny. Let me tell you [whoever is reading this] about my schedule.

[Block 1] BIOLOGY
We haven't done much of anything in this class. Yet. She's warned us that we work bell to bell. I have homework in that class. Two packets. And it's always freezing in that classroom. Which, I admit, is good. I like having an excuse to wear a jacket. Dull class.. Julie's in there, by the way. But we'll never be able to talk, or anything like that, so it's kind of pointless. Guess it's nice to have someone I'm friends with in there, but.. -Shrug.-

[Block 2] GEOMETRY Pre-AP
The teacher? Hyper. The students? All male. Except for myself. Which is not so bad actually. Not because the guys or attractive or I have a 'crush' on anyone; don't even suggest that. Gross. Because they're hilarious. And when you match up amusing male students with a hyper, excited-about-math teacher who's rather humorus herself, the class period becomes fun. The work isn't so bad, and she talks everything out, and explains it wonderfully. She'll help with class work, as a whole class on the overhead/board, and she'll help with homework. It's not so bad. And I'm not the only one who doesn't really talk in there. Alex, this person I don't really talk to, is kind of quiet, also. It's reassuring, not being the only one who's not making jokes and laughing.

[LUNCH]
Even this has proven to be dull somehow. Maybe it's because I'm used to Skye, Liv, and everyone, the whole big group, being there, being loud, laughing, joking, and talking. Now? It is only me, Laura, and Heather. Occasionally Cassi. Rarely Julie. We have our laughs, but it's just not as fun. It's just a break from the work.

[Block 3] SPANISH 1
Oh. God. I despise this class. The teacher isn't so bad. The notes aren't so bad. I dislike talking out in class, though. Or working with people in this class, because I have no friends in this class, which figures. I hope we get a seating chart, so I won't have to sit by that idiotic girl who continually talks and is just completely and utterly stupid. For lack of better words.

[Block 4] WORLD HISTORY
You know, it just figures that the classes that we're actually allowed to talk in, and allowed to work in groups in, I have no friends in. The first group activity that we did, writing definitions, I ended up one one person who wrote slow, and one who had a pretty face, but, I soon learned, was a rather cruel person. And he 'did drugs.' And he swears every single sentence. What would most people call him? A "poseur?" Laughing at a mistake a mentally slow person made. I know I said I like bad boys, but come on. We didn't even work as a group. We just wrote down the definitions individually, which I would have rather done anyway. Last year Brandy was in my History class, and working in pairs was fun, but this teacher decided that we're going to have to work with everyone in the class. Different people. -Sarcastically.- Grand. Other than all that, the class isn't so bad.

[BLOCK 5] ENGLISH Pre-AP
This class isn't so bad. Laura's in it. The teacher is the same as Spanish 1. We're reading "The Scarlet Pimpernel" in there. So far, it's really interesting. I think this may be my favorite class. English is normally my favorite class anyway. Nothing horribly bad about this class. I'm comfortable with most of the people in this class. The only other class I'm vaguely comfortable in is Geometry. -Shrug.-

End Complaints

You know, everytime I go into the Library, there's either nobody in there to check out the books, or they leave as soon as I enter. Therefore, there is no way I can check out the one book I've been wanting to read for a while. And that is... Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte. I've just been wanting to read it for some reason. Maybe because there was a quote in there that I've read before that draws me to it.. Hm.

Went shopping today for a few new clothes. Bought two pairs of dark jeans.. Three shirts which I am going to describe just because I can. One, which is my Mom and Dad's favorite is black, which pink and white striped cuff thingies on the end of each sleeve, which ends a bit past the elbow. Three-quarter sleeves, I believe they are called. And the pink and black pattern is also on the collar. I like it, too. Also, a black shirt with red hems. There's a heart on it, with the American flag inside of it. I bought it because I liked the black and red colors. Plus it was the only other thing I could find that wasn't white, orange, or bright pink. Then there was another one that was an orangish shade of red, I guess, and had some words on it. Can't remember. That's about it.

Oh yeah. This little orange beanie thing came with one of the pairs of jeans. It says "Born to be Free" on it in black lettering, with a motorcycle under it. Just thought that was amusing.

I have to use my locker this year. I have no choice. I cannot carry that backpack. I can hardly pick it up, much less carry it all day. I don't even have my Biology book in there, which is the largest book I have so far. Oh happiness.

I guess things may get better next semester. I only have two real classes next year, which are English and.. -Thinks.- Health.. probably.. Then I have three electives. Drivers Ed, Choir, and.. Newspaper? Don't know why -that's- on there, but it is. I might try and get some of those electives off of my schedule and take 11th grade classes. Trying to graduate early, you know? So I won't have to put up with the idiotic people in this school.

Last year, several of our dear, sweet, intelligent, innocent students got sent to AEP, which is an alternative school, for possessing and selling drugs on campus. Oh, my! What a surprise! Albeit a pleasant one for me. They've all come back this year.. Darn it.

-Sigh.- I'm not looking forward to this school year. Everyone keeps dressing up, putting on makeup and such, just so they can show it off during classes, and in between, and at lunch, but there's absolutely no reason. Why should you have to look good when people should be studying, and paying attention to the teacher instead? Because people are that shallow. And they don't pay attention to their school work anyway, so why not play dress up in their spare time!

I'm sick, literally disgusted, at this. At them. At life in general. It sucks. I'm turning 15 in a few weeks. Shouldn't I be happier? -Frowns.- I guess I should be happy. The older I get, the sooner I get to leave the foolish people that I call my 'classmates' behind, to fret over their ridiculous lives wondering why they can't get into college, and why they never paid attention in classes. Then they can be the ones who look back enviously at those of us who went on to have a successful life. For I know, I just know, that life has got to get better after this. After this, I'll be glad I worked so hard, and tried to maintain good grades. At least, I guess, this is how I hope things turn out.

I'm not really that confident about this.

Somehow, being busy working doesn't give me that release that I need from my thoughts. They still get in the way. Daydreaming, I guess you could call it. However..

I am proud to say that I have absolutely no attraction for anyone in my school, or anyone in particular right now. I am happy to say that I am not drooling over some guy, other than Draco, melting into a pitiful puddle everytime some guy glances past me. Nor am I crying right now because of a broken heart. I haven't broken down in a long while because of something like that.

-Semi-smile.- Summer is over. I guess I should be happy about that. It was a dreadful summer, at times. Summer being over means last year is over. Last year being over means "it" is over. I mean it! I'm honestly over it. Tragic, isn't it? How much I've cried in the past however many months. I don't even feel like reading through old e-mails and journal entries. Maybe I do a bit, but I'm not going to right now. Doubtful I'll let myself anytime soon. Not until I'm completely over it.

[Quotes Found Online From Wuthering Heights]

"I despise him for himself, and hate him for the memories he revives..."

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it... He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."

And the last?

"It is not in him to be loved like me: how can she love in him what he has not?"

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 5 August :: 1.31pm

School.
So, school is starting soon. Finally got my schedule.

English Pre-AP [Pre-Advanced Placement]
Geometry Pre-AP
Biology
World History
Spanish 1

As far as I know, I have English with Laura, and I'll probably have Geometry and Biology with her if she gets to switch them around. I have Spanish 1 with Drew and Julie. Dunno who I have in World History. I need to call Martin and find out his schedule.

And even though I'm already a year younger than most of the people in my grade, I'm going to try and graduate early. I'll be sixteen when I graduate. Won't that be fun?

I feel kind of 'blah.' The Fish Dance is tomorrow, and I'm supposed to consider myself a 'host' because I'm in Key Club. I get to help clean up afterwards.. Not helping set up, though.

Julie and Laura are supposed to be coming over afterwards. Julie may not, because her grandfather on her father's side is dying. She might miss school, also, which is going to be hard on her. Last year she missed a week of school and it was pretty bad.

I think I'm going to go and visit some websites, then go and call Martin. I hope we have some classes together. He's a great friend when he's not completely annoying.

Hope everyone's having a nice day, whenever they read this, and if they do.
-Ash

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 30 July :: 6.31am

One good thing about living in a trashy trailor is that, if you put your hands on the ceiling, you can feel the rain pounding against the roof.

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 29 July :: 5.14am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Tv.

Bleh.
So, I've done it.

Finally.

I've blocked him. I've changed my screen name. I've changed SO many things already. It's going to be hard not to go back on this promise to myself. So hard.

I've even started a new Xanga. I've changed this journal's background and icon. I'm going to change other things. I'm longing to dye my hair again.. But I just dyed it not too long ago.. I don't want to kill it.

It seems I've become addicted to cherry chap stick. Weird.
-Ash

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 23 July :: 1.26am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Rain -Yoko Kanno

Waaaalk.. In the raaaiiin..
Sorry, everyone who has me on their friends list, for all the entries I've made in that little of time! x_X!

I really, really, really want to go somewhere tomorrow.. But I don't want Mom to be lonely. She said I could go, though.. <3

Okay. That's about it for now. Sorry, again! Bye-bye.
-Ash

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 21 July :: 3.20am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: She Will Be Loved -Maroon 5

Thus begins the next chapter of my life..
So, after tomorrow, my life shall be different.. Though not very different.

I'm not terribly torn up, nor am I about to break down crying and asking God 'WHY?!'

I'm actually kind of hyper. I feel like going somewhere.. Coffee! That's what I crave. I feel like going to Books A Million with Skye and Laura and everyone.

Ohh, I hope everyone gets to come on Friday or Saturday.. Whichever it is.

I think it's supposed to be.. Skye, Laura, me, Livy, Robert, Julio, and Drew.. I really, -really- hope everyone gets to go. I can't wait to see Liv... even though it's not been very long since she's gone off to college. I miss her already. My Shigure! <3

Most of the time I update Xanga alot, but lately it's been Woohu. I -did- pay my two dollars, after all..

Oh man. I'm kind of nervous about babysitting my cousins tomorrow. I really, really hope they aren't going to drive me crazy and torture me! ;-;.. I know Mom said Leia doesn't listen to Shauna, and she's a little tyrant [Shauna is my cousin, and Leia's her baby girl.] Mom said Leia always copies Leaton.. Please let Leaton be a good little kid! ;-;

Well, he loved me last time I was down there.. I hope he remembers me..

I like this song. -Hums.-

Anyway, that's about it. Skye's pestering me about watching some flash thing.. Looks scary.. Bye-bye!
-Ash

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 19 July :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Maybe" -Nerd

Mm.
Wednesday. The funeral is Wednesday at 2 pm. And I'm not going.

I'm staying at my cousin Shauna's house and babysitting her kids and a couple of other kids.

The coffin.. Mom said it was pink.. And my grandmother is wearing a pink dress.. She said she looks like she's asleep. I almost started crying when she was talking about it.

And that's about it.
-Ash

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 18 July :: 11.07pm

She passed away this morning.

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 17 July :: 9.50pm

A.. "Hospital"
At the hospital.. Everyone is like one, big family.

Listening to each other.
Comforting each other.
Talking to each other.

.. Even gossiping.

There was a kid.. He was 18. He was in a car crash. He fell asleep at the wheel. His friend grabbed the steering wheel when he fell asleep, but the guy had his foot on the gas. It flipped a few times. The friend had his seat belt on.. Few cuts, few bruises.. Left the hospital the same day. The kid at the wheel.. He severed his brain stem or something.. The doctors declared him braindead. His mother had decided to donate his organs. She was writing his obituary when the doctors un-declared him braindead.. Because there was one little drop of blood circulating.. They had to sedate her.. She was freaking out.. Mom said a few nights ago.. There were anywhere from 30-60 people there for that kid.. His friends.. They told them to come say their good-bye's..

When they donate their organs.. They have someone there.. Holding their hand.. And talking to them, softly.. Even though they're braindead..

God, it scares me.

Everyone was there for each other. Even the people who didn't know each other.

... But...

I didn't really feel depressed because of my Grandma. She still doesn't know who anyone is, I don't think. Ergh. Why can't I feel depressed about it? The thing that depressed me the most was leaving my Mom there. I miss her. And I missed Nibbles. When I got home today, she was hoarse from whining and howling all night. She sounded kind of like a squeaky toy. I hugged her, and cried. I guess that was my emotions coming out. From missing the dog. And my Mom. I went into my room and fell on the floor crying.. Maybe I was crying for my grandma as well, somewhere in there..

Please pray for my family, and my grandma especially.
--
Bye.
-Ash

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 17 July :: 9.39pm

Lyrics I Heard On The Radio.. Mean Something.
Seether - 'Broken'

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away



Britney Spears - "Everytime"

Come notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

After all...
After all...

There are, maybe, two songs of Britney's that I really like.

And in case anyone couldn't decipher my last entry.. She's still alive. On dialysis. For her kidneys. She's doing.. okay.. I guess..

.. Next post.. In five.. four.. three.. two..

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