squallet
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2010 26 November :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "Magic Taborea" by Van Canto
Correction...
TOTALLY crushing!
-giggleblush-
Wow. I sound like an ignorant 15 year old. >.>;;
But I'm smiling, so I don't really care at the moment. :D
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squallet
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2010 26 November :: 8.21pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus
My dream romance is dead...
What Michael and I had once was beautiful.
But he's not that person anymore.
He's cold. He's selfish. He's not the man I fell in love with.
And that realization is helping me see the light: that I deserve better.
So... when better happens to come around... so be it.
In the meantime... there's this one guy who makes me grin and laugh like an idiot.
I find myself thinking about him at work, and just wanting to get home to talk to him.
I don't want to fall too fast though, and I don't want anything serious for a while.
But if he just happened to ask me on a date, I just might happen to say yes. :]
-giggleblushbutterflies-
God, I feel like a little girl all over again. xD
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squallet
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2010 13 November :: 4.00am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "I'll Always Remember You" by Miley Cyrus
I'm so tired...
... of being without you...
Songs all remind me of you.
Pictures make me cry.
I just don't want to face the world without you by my side.
I'd give ANYTHING just to be the one to make you smile again.
I'd give anything for the love we had then...
What changed?
Whatever it was, I'm willing to do anything to change it back.
If you ever loved me the way you said you did, please don't just walk away.
I need you more than you know...
Please, just open your heart again...
And we could live our every dream together, the way we used to.
I don't know when, but somewhere along the line, I fell for you.
What happened to the days when you used to catch me...?
I don't mind if I have to wait for you...
I'd wait forever...
Just please say that one day, you'll come back home...
Don't the happy memories and zillions of pictures make you miss us at all?
I look at those pictures and all I see are 2 people so happy to be together.
Best friends, lovers, inseparable.
What happened to us?
We got lost somewhere along the way...
But can't we find our way back together...?
If you love something, set it free...
I remember cutely debating that with you because I never believed it...
But I'm willing to try it your way, just to show you how much I care...
So I've set you free...
And I pray every day that you'll come home to me...
So all I have to do is wait for you...
I'll wait for you as long as it takes because you're all I've ever wanted baby...
Please don't forget me...
I love you so much Michael...
-continues crying self to sleep-
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squallet
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2010 9 November :: 1.19am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace
Don't leave me here alone...
Even though I know he'll probably never read this, this is a cry out to the man I love with all my heart...
I'm alone at home... I've barely eaten in days... I'm missing a week of school...
All because I can't manage to pull myself together...
I look at pictures of us happy together and break down in tears...
I reread old texts and poems from you over and over...
I even fell asleep hugging your framed picture the other night...
Some may just see me as a pathetic weeping child, but I'm lost without you...
How can you be so cold and push me away without even a word as to why?
How can you leave me on the edge, not even knowing where we stand?
Are we together? Are we apart?
Do you just need time alone to clear your head?
Do you need help because you're having an extreme bipolar/depression episode?
Do you really just not love me anymore?
Was it something I said? Something I did?
Have we really changed that much from the two happy kids who were so head over heels in love?
I look at those pictures and weep.
I wish I could caress your face.
Touch your rosy cheeks.
Brush your hair back.
Look into your warm, loving eyes.
Wrap my arms around you tightly and secure.
Press my lips against yours.
Lose myself in you.
The way we used to.
Nothing else matters to me right now but the thought of you.
Did you think that I replaced you? That I didn't care anymore?
I know we've both been so busy that there's no time for each other it seems.
But darling if only you'd come home to me, we could fix all those things.
I would make you the happiest man on earth, no matter what it takes.
I don't care about the stupid fights and disagreements.
I don't care if you're friends or your video games are more important some days.
I don't care what anyone else says about us.
I care about YOU. I care about US.
I can't think back on all those happy times and just let them fade away.
You mean far too much to me to just let this love die.
I'll fight 'til my last breath to show you just what you mean to me...
No matter what happens, I just want you to know...
I've put my heart in a silver box, and locked it far away...
Only you have the key, my love...
Nobody can ever replace you in my life...
I keep dreaming every night that you'll come back...
You'll tell me how it was all a mistake and that you're sorry...
I've already forgiven you, darling.
Just take my hand and with it, you take my heart.
Take me in your arms and show me just what I mean to you.
Lose yourself with me under the covers.
Breathe into my ear how I'm your everything, the air you breathe.
Just like you did only weeks ago...
Love is forgiveness, and I forgive all you've done.
Could you forgive me this time?
Though I don't know what I've done to push you away...
I'm sorry that somewhere along the line, I failed you...
How could I be so ignorant not to see...
I should have given you more attention, more time, more love...
I miss waking up to your beautiful face...
Your arms around me tight every morning...
I wish you were here tonight...
I would show you just what we've been missing...
It's never too late to turn things around...
If things aren't right, let's make them right...
We can fix all the problems, the mistakes, the past.
We can make a future...
I still only dream of you as my husband.
I dream of you holding our child in your arms with that gorgeous smile on your face.
I dream of walks in the park with you as we grow older.
I don't want to face this world without you.
My partner.
My savior.
My protector.
My angel.
My lover.
My best friend.
My world.
My everything.
Don't let me face the world alone...
I always turned to you first, and I want to again.
You were always there to protect and save me.
You wiped my tears, hugged me tight, and made me feel alive.
I don't want to feel cold and dead inside anymore...
Do you love me still...?
Just those 3 words still give me butterflies...
Those 3 words can make everything in the world beautiful again...
Please don't give up on us...
Just say you love me still...
And I swear you'll never be alone...
Please darling...
April is nothing without October...
Please come home Michael...
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squallet
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2010 30 September :: 2.58am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "2 Voiny" by SLOT
I've worn out my apologies for you.
Just because I can't forget doesn't make me weak.
It just means that I'm strong enough to acknowledge the past.
I just wish you'd grow up and get over yourself.
Sure, I remember, I cry, I'm human. I'm not afraid to let people see that I'm not perfect.
I miss running around town being crazy teenagers, and staying up at all-night sleepovers.
I miss having you in my life, I miss someone who I thought was a true friend.
But to have let something so stupid tear us apart for over three years now.
Dear GOD that is so stupid.
I try not to be bitter, I try not to cry.
But at least I'm strong enough to remember.
And at least I have the guts to say that I miss you in my life.
I was forced to see you about 4 months ago because we happened to be in the same place.
I know you saw me because you intentionally ran the other way.
I spent that night crying, and you probably didn't even spare a glance.
I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to make things better.
I'd really hoped that 3 years had been long enough to finally let go of stupid shit.
I guess not.
I just don't know why you harbor so much hatred.
Did our friendship really mean nothing to you?
I guess so.
Even now, I'm crying remembering, but I'm not ashamed.
At least I know I have the heart to care.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever even think about those memories years ago.
Why are you so afraid?
But the thing is... I'm done apologizing.
Something stupid happened.
So fucking what?
It's not like there was some huge fucking conspiracy theory.
I can't help it my ex is a fucking psycho.
You're so ignorant, you don't even know what fucking happened.
You act so fucking high and mighty.
Then you cry all alone because you secretly hate yourself.
Well you know what?
Get over it.
You pushed everyone away.
The sad thing is that I'm still right here, and I still actually give a damn about you.
I really shouldn't, with how much of a bitch you've been.
You probably think of me with that little flare of hatred.
But guess what? When that flare goes out, I know somewhere deep down, it'll hurt.
Because as cold as you act, I know there's a heart in there somewhere.
You know, when I met you 6 years ago, I really thought you'd be one of my only lifelong friends.
I guess I was wrong.
And you know what?
That realization still hurts.
So here's me saying that I've tried to apologize too many times.
Every time, you've evaded me, ran away, hid.
Now who's the coward?
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2010 27 August :: 1.43pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: "Lethean Tears" by Solution .45
Well... should have seen that one coming...
Wow. I haven't posted here in ages...
Well! I feel like crap today, so I figured I'd rant.
I don't feel like talking to anyone right now really. It'll probably just make things worse.
SO!
School starts again on Monday.
Which means Mike and I will probably hardly see each other much.
He's been working like crazy this summer, so I haven't had much time with him as it is.
It's Friday, and I figured that hopefully we can spend some time together before Monday comes.
Ha... haha...
After telling Mike yesterday how I don't feel like he shows me he genuinely cares as much anymore, he said he'd do better.
And it started off all cute. He said a bunch of cute things to me last night, actually talked on the phone with me for a while, etc.
He even told me that he had plans for us today that were secret, so I got really excited and happy!
I woke up with a smile, had a spring in my step, and was just overall really happy.
First thing he tells me this morning?
"So... Joe wants to hang out with me today..."
Omg... really? So what? We have freakin' plans. Tell him another time. Do I really have to tell you this?
So, initially I was upset for a few minutes, but I got over it since he said he'd only hang out with him for a few hours.
Then he tells me his mom didn't give him his paycheck money so he can't take me out tonight for our date.
Ha! ... Hahaha! OMG, I should have seen it coming!!
Seriously?! Something always ruins our plans!!
Why do I even BOTHER getting my hopes up?!
It just makes me laugh now at how stupid I am for actually counting on our plans today...
... Lesson learned.
:'(
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2010 3 June :: 9.21pm
This feels a lot like balls, and a lot less like awesome.
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squallet
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2010 29 May :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: "Eien no Setsuna" by ON/OFF
Woot!~ 5 days until ColossalCon!! :3
I just realized... I don't really have much to say. I just felt like actually updating my journal for once.
I just bought a cute pair of jean shorts from Wal-Mart for ten bucks! I went back down to a size 16, and it feels really good! :D
I also got my hair done last week, and it looks really cute! I'm back to being brunette, and I got it thinned since it's naturally so think. I think it looks LOADS better since I have layers again! :3
Poor Mike didn't get much sleep last night before work, so he's over here napping next to me. xD I'm probably just going to go play some WoW until he gets up. It's so nice to have a three day weekend off from work to actually enjoy! ^^
~ Squallet
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2010 10 May :: 6.41pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Futatsu No Kodou To Akai Tsumi" by ON/OFF
Hooray! I finally have a moment to breathe!
Hullo journal. Long time no see!
So, I feel like making an entry, purely because I found something rather amusing a minute ago.
Is it bad when you date someone for over a year, and yet you can't really remember any of it? Honestly, the only thing I can really remember about dating Jim was a lot of arguing. Let's face it, we were NEVER compatible. xD
Dating Michael on the other hand, well, I'm just so much happier. He's my lover and my best friend all wrapped up into one. The best part is that we don't really fight with each other much, we just bitch a lot. It's so drastically different from where I was a year ago!
Despite Michael's undeniable awesomeness, I've been a tad bit more depressed lately than usual. I'd like to think it's because of always being busy with school and a crappy job.
Tomorrow's my last final, and it's going to be extremely easy, so my mind is pretty much already in summer mode. After being done with today, I can already tell that I'm so much more relaxed and happy. In fact, after I post this, I'll probably take a nap. XD
So in the past few days, I've lost almost ten pounds, purely because I've actually been too busy to really eat much of anything. Even today I haven't touched one bite of food, and despite my stomach's constant growls, I think I'm just going to get some rest instead of eating, even if I am extremely hungry.
Sigh. I don't want to end up anorexic, but it just seems like if I even look at food, I keep weight on. Since summer's starting this week, I plan on definitely putting more time into working out.
I've pretty much stopped eating out and for the most part I just try to buy healthy-ish foods that I can prepare easily. I don't have my own kitchen, so when I actually get to use it, I have to make whatever I'm making quick. >.>
I really need to start shopping at Wal-Mart first though instead of just getting everything from Giant Eagle. Wal-Mart definitely has better prices. Just buying stuff for a spaghetti dinner, salad stuff for the week, and a few other things was almost $40. Sigh. I need a better job. Minimum wage isn't going to be good enough forever. >>;
On another topic, just less than a month until Colossal Con at Kalahari water resort! Woot! I can't freakin' wait!! A whole nerdy weekend getaway with my hubby to celebrate the beginning of summer! It'll be great to just get to relax and enjoy some nerdishness with him. We haven't really had time to do anything fun lately. Trust me, this is the closest to a luxury cruise that I'll probably ever get. XD
4 days til payday... I really want to go shopping... I want to get more groceries and I really feel the urge to buy myself something cute... I need a female friend to hang out with. I don't seem to have any of those lately. Jenny needs to freakin' get back up to Ohio. :3
On a random side note, I miss my long hair today. :<
Well, I've vented enough for now, and I'm feeling hungry/tired, so I'm off to get that nap. :P
~ Squallet
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squallet
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2010 7 March :: 7.23pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Justify" by The Rasmus
Meh.
I wish I knew how to be just as fake as some of these people out there.
It must be easy to lie just to fit in with others.
How well do you think they study their roles?
I have such bad freakin' social anxiety.
Anytime I have to be around people I don't know, I just get extremely uncomfortable.
It's not so bad just going somewhere public because then I don't have to talk to people.
But if I have to be around my boyfriend's family, I get SO anxious. It's horrible.
I hate being the center of attention.
I just wish more people were understanding of my issues.
They act like I don't want to be a part of their life or something.
I'm just not comfortable with those kinds of situations.
My stomach turns into knots, I fumble around with things, I shake a little.
It's just not a good place for me to be.
It's so depressing.
And yet, all I want is to have people to hang out and have a good time with.
Just a few more close friends would be nice.
People I was comfortable with, so there wouldn't be any nervous tension.
I'm never good enough for anybody...
Do they just want me to be a doll? A puppet?
Something that can be everything they want me to be?
I'll never be one of those fake people.
So get over it. >.>
~Squallet
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