<b>Once upon a time, a Xhan lived here.</b>

:: 2010 5 February :: 1.18am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: "Last To Know" by Three Days Grace

Matt is a fucking douchebag.
Yeah, there's NO way of trying to put that nicely.
He seriously needs to grow a fucking pair.
That is all.

No wait, I lied.
I feel like ranting just a bit more.
I'm not sure what about yet.
Let's just see what comes out of my head.

I have class at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning.
It's going on 1:30 AM now.
I can't freakin' sleep.
I hate nights like this when thinking and feeling keeps me awake.

Thinking about Matt is making me sick to my stomach right now, honestly.

I shouldn't even give a shit, but damn, I'm only human.
I have a hard time not caring about anyone who I used to care a lot about.
Hell, even people who've moved on and could give a shit less about me.
It's pretty fucking sad.

I just need to go into my little apathetic bubble. >.>

So yeah.
He called me the other day while I was at Mike's house.
He starts talking to me all normal and nice, just asking how I am, etc.
We converse normally for a few minutes.
I ask him where he's been and why he hasn't been responding my texts and whatnot.
He tells me he has me blocked on everything, including my phone number blocked.
So, he doesn't even GET my texts now. >.>
Then I ask why he's calling to talk if he has me blocked on everything.
He says he's calling to say goodbye.
He claims I "had my chance" to have him back. o.o
He tells me that she and him are back together.

I sort of laugh it off and tell him that I'm used to his routine by now.
One day he hates me. One day he loves me.
He wants me in his life. He doesn't.
He's with her. He's not.
Wtf?

I really just can't stand his ass anymore.
He tells me "Fine, take it as a joke if you want."
I tell him that I'm not, I just know how this whole damn cycle goes.
He says that he can assure me that was the last time I'd ever talk to him.

...

HAHAHAHA!!! As if I've never heard that one before!!
So I say, "Yeah, you know, until you decide to leave her again."
God knows that every time he does, he has to come whining to someone.
And I'm the only real friend he's had in a long time.
So what then, m'dear? o.o

It just astounds me.
How the HELL does one date someone they can't stand? O.O
Like, all he did was complain about how he can't stand her.
He doesn't love her in the slightest.
Like, is he really that pathetic that he needs to justify his existance through a relationship?

God, get some self worth. Please. >.>
It's just fucking pathetic.

So, that was about it. We said bye and hung up.
I rushed off to Mike's bathroom and collapsed on the floor crying.
Go figure.

I came out and Mike hugged me because he knows how much shit Matt's put me through.
All I asked him through tears was "Did I at least sound strong?"
The last thing Matt deserves is to know that he hurt me yet again, like no one else knows how to.

If nothing else, at least I can act like I don't care.
I probably beat myself up over it for the rest of the day.
I thought, well hey, maybe I should have let myself be vulnerable.

My GOD, he's so manipulative.
He has to hurt me on purpose just to test me, to see if I care.
If he doesn't know that I do by now, then he's just fucking stupid.

I'm sorry if I'm just not so eager to date someone who would settle for the next best thing. o.o

Who does he love? Me.
Who could he come to for anything? Me.
Who was there for him, even after ALL the bullshit he pulled? Me.

I'm done.
You know how many times I had to look like a dumb fuck because I told someone I'd forgiven him AGAIN?
That I'd given him YET ANOTHER CHANCE after he fucked me over?
That I had to try to DEFEND the ONE person who's put me through more HELL than ANYONE?!

Yes... I'm using caps now. o.o

I'm just sick of looking like a desperate, poor, pathetic, naiive, gullible, stupid, walked-all-over moron.

Here. Let's have a little example.

Me: Matt wanted me to tell you he says hi.
John: You guys are talking again?
Me: Yeah, we have been since he broke up with her.
John: *sigh*
Me: I know. But it's just hard when you care about someone so much. You want to believe that that good side of them is still in there.
John: *gives me that look*
Me: Oh come on. I'm sure if you cared so much about someone, you'd forgive them for fucking you over.
John: No, not really.

No one wants to have to be in that situation where we care a lot about such an asshole.
I was just unfortunate enough to genuinely care for him.
What a waste.

Bottom line is that I'm not just about to give up a great relationship to run back to someone who:

1. Treated me like shit when he DID have me.
2. Treats me like shit when he DOESN'T have me.
3. Would settle for anything with a pulse that's willing to put out.

Is there a heart inside of him? Hm, perhaps.
I saw it once.
Even after all this, I'm still willing to say that he's my only ex that genuinely loved me.
Hell, he still does.
It's just too bad that love and hate have to be such closely linked emotions. >.>;

If given the choice, he'd without a doubt choose me over her every damn time.
How do I know this?
He's told me so. Numerous times.
Every time I told him that I still had feelings for him, he'd go on about how he'd leave her in a second to be with me again.
He would constantly tell me all the things he missed about me that he doesn't have with her.

Hell, he's been quoted as saying "If the status of our relationship was based on sex, it would be great. But sadly, that isn't enough."
Yeah... he pretty much just admitted that the only good thing about them was the sex. XD

It's just so aggravating to see someone be with someone just because they feel the need to have SOMEONE. ANYONE.
He was single for a whole... month? Less?
Could he REALLY not live with it for THAT long that he would just take her back?
Does he really feel THAT worthless that he needs someone there just to make him feel like he means something? o.o

That's just... sad.
Get a fucking hobby dude.

So basically, he's not basing his relationship on any kind of love whatsoever.
He may love me, but he'd settle for either of us.
And that's why in the end, as sad as I am over everything, as much as I still cry myself to sleep because of him, I'm glad I'm not with him.
I can't stand the manipulation, the senseless hate.
I can't take that anymore.

I deserve better than that.
I deserve someone who wouldn't settle for less.
I deserve someone who wants me, not just anybody.
I deserve someone who would fight for me, not just give up and find someone to meet his immediate needs.
I deserve someone who won't settle for a relationship without love.
Someone who isn't afraid of loving somebody else with everything they have.

Thank God for Michael.
I seriously think that he's heaven-sent some days.
Assuming I was getting all hypothetically religious and whatnot.
I mean, some days he just pisses me off to no end, but I love him. :P

*sigh*
I just REALLY needed to get this all down before I went crazy.
Now, back to trying to sleep. o.o
Night all!

~ Squallet

:: 2010 25 January :: 2.04am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus

BLARGH!!1!!1 D:
*Headkeyboard*
yyhyhybhuyhhybuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Apparently that's what my forehead wanted to say. o.o

There have been very few people in this world that I've missed so much. No boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or love interest of any kind has ever weighed on my mind this much.

It's so infuriating... in such a way that it makes me want to cry! Why did I have to go and break everything? God, I've beat myself up over this for years.

If only I could go back, I'd do it all differently. I wouldn't be so chicken-shit and just sit there and let it all fall apart. What the hell was I so afraid of anyway?

But now I've waited too long. I've probably lost one of the best friends I've ever had for good. Damn, I'd do anything to get her back.

Gahhh, how the hell does one end up crying and posting on Woohu when she should be in bed?! O.O

Fuck... Math class early in the morning... >.>'

:: 2010 24 January :: 1.20pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Lift by Poets of the Fall

I HAVE A TOASTER!!1!11 D:
So... I have a toaster.
Ok, that wasn't the point.

The point is that I'm so super busy lately since school started. I'm actually currently just taking a two minute break from a web publishing assignment that I'm working on. Fun stuff.

I pretty much have a job! I have to hand back a bunch of forms that I had to fill out, but once I do, I'm hired. :3 It's just a job up at the college, but it's still a job, and at least it's doing something I know how to do, which is taking care of the computer labs and print lab in the Visual Communications department, and loaning out cameras and other equipment for students to use.

Hopefully, by this time next year, I'll be in my own apartment. I can't WAIT. Me and Mike decided that once we're both employed and have saved up about $5,000, we'll get our own apartment. We already have it all budgeted out and whatnot, and are starting to save up appliances and whatnot that we'll need. I just got a toaster from my parents! :D It's exciting! I have my own toaster! XD

Well, that's about it for now. I'm being harassed to go do stuff... which doesn't help, assuming that this assignment is due by midnight tonight. Lame. X.x

~ Squallet

:: 2009 4 December :: 4.55am
:: Mood: nerdy
:: Music: "Lasting" from RuneScape xD

You know what?
I don't blog much anymore. o.o It kind of sucks. But at the same time I have to think to myself, "Hey, it's because you have a life outside of your apartment now."

I suppose that's cool. xD

At the same time, I wish I had more interesting things to write about. Every day is pretty much the same. Wake up, see Mike, go home, sleep. Repeat. Nothing wrong with seeing Mike all the time. I love spending time with him! But at the same time, I'm REALLY looking forward to getting back to school in January! That and I really hope I can find a part-time job sometime too. Having some spare cash would be great until I get my associate's. Then I can worry about getting a better full-time job or figuring out where to continue my education from there.

BUT, until classes start in January, there's nothing much to do except to enjoy my free time with Mike. <3

:: 2009 27 November :: 1.06am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Lost In You" by Three Days Grace

Random Dream Interpretations
So I was laying here with Mike half asleep. I had just woken up from a series of REALLY random dreams, but the last moment of them was simply beautiful. Mike and I were all dressed up and walking into this masquerade ball type thing. Everything was decorated in white. There were thousands of lights everywhere and a giant fountain in the middle of the courtyard. I only got the briefest look at this scene before Mike's phone alarm went off and woke us up. I just remember his arm in mine, looking to the side, and seeing his sweet smile before the blaring sound woke me up. Perhaps I'll look up some dream interpretations on that later.

After this though, we both attempted to go back to sleep for another hour. I laid there half asleep, and just tried to put myself back into my beautiful dream, but instead I just ended up going in and out of sleep. I figured that while I was in this state, I might be able to get myself into some lucid dreaming, astral travelling, past life regression, etc. Instead, I found myself trying to get a glimpse into my future. I'm not sure if someone is supposed to be able to do that. The whole time it was going on, I was completely aware of where I was, I could hear Mike's TV, I knew I was laying in his arms, and even though that part of me was conscious, there was a part of my brain that was somewhere else.

Now, I didn't get any sure predictions or anything. More so what I did was I started imagining myself walking down a hall and then walking through a door where I could have some questions answered, and what I got was symbolism on return. On the right there was a pretty green tree in bloom, like something you'd see in the spring. Looking at it, I felt a sense of growing and just being alive and happy. On the left there was an equally pretty tree, full of colorful fall leaves, but they were slowly falling off. The only difference from the other tree was that this one had a long path following behind it. It gave me a sense of something perhaps a bit less cheery, but definitely something long-lasting and steady. I could picture myself walking down this path, but at the same time, I could picture myself climbing up the growing tree.

Woohoo for random symbolism! So I figured that I would look some things up in a dream dictionary and put them here for documentation.

Oak Tree
To see an oak tree in your dream, symbolizes longevity, stability, strength, tolerance, wisdom, and prosperity. It may also mean that you have built a solid foundation for success in some endeavor.

To see an oak tree with acorns, represents your climb up the social ladder and rise in status.

Trees
To see lush green trees in your dream, symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.

To dream that you are climbing a tree, signifies that you will achieve your career goals and reach those high places in society. The degree of difficulty to which you climb the tree will measure the speed of your achievement of these goals.

Maple Tree
To see a maple in your dream, symbolizes humility, warmth, and openness. It also indicates positive gains, happiness and fullness of life.

Autumn
To dream of autumn, indicates that something is about to come to an end and something new will begin. Alternatively, the dream is symbolic of the cycle of life. It is time to collect the benefits and rewards that you've worked so hard for.

Spring
To dream of the season of spring, signifies new beginnings and creative endeavors. It is also a symbol for warmth, virility and fruitfulness.

Path
To walk through a quiet, open path, signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind. It may also symbolize your progress.

To see a blocked or windy path, denotes that you need to give serious attention to the direction you are heading in your personal and/or business life. You also need to take time out to consider and rethink the consequences before acting on your choices.

Smile
To dream that you or others are smiling, signifies that you are pleased with your achievements and approve of the decisions you have made. You will be rewarded for the good things you've done for others. Alternatively, you may be seeking for something or someone that will make you happy.

Left
To dream of the direction left, symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity.

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path.

Wow... Some of those interpretations are so dead on. And that says something if that's supposed to be two different future paths. o.o

:: 2009 26 November :: 5.34am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "In My Life" by The Rasmus

That's one violent fucking cow... o.o
So I'm in a relatively good mood right about now.
Oh, and yes, Mike totally infiltrated my journal for that last post. :3

Anyway, I've been up all night playing Runescape, because I'm a massive nerd. I spent a bunch of time just sitting around killing cows... It raised my defense a level though, so I can't complain. Hahaha.

Wow, how random is that?

I suppose if I'm going to post an update, it should probably have some kind of actual meaning and not just be about me mercilessly slaughtering poor cows on Runescape.

My life... is so... Idk. Tragically beautiful sometimes. I hate it but I love it. I mostly just hate it because I feel like a massive waste of life. It's because I've been out of school for so long. o.o BUT I'm registered to return in January! I can't wait! :3 And to think, I only took off for one semester! It almost drove me crazy!! But I got to spend a ton of time with Mike, which made it all worthwhile! :]

I'm so crazy about him. <3 Like... what we have is so precious and amazing. We always work things out before they can turn into arguements, so we don't waste time pointlessly fighting. It's so nice! Hehehe. He just makes me feel all warm and squishy inside!

Oh shit... those are my intestines... o.o

But anyway!!! I think I should rant about this one guy! Because like... this situation drives me crazy!!! >.< Well, I know this guy who can be a total asshole. In fact, thanks to him, I had a HORRIBLE emotional breakdown a few weeks ago that poor Mike had to help me through. I made myself so sick that night...

Here's the kicker. He's not really an asshole on his own. I mean, yeah, he can be, but he generally isn't. And now, he's supposedly leaving his psycho fiance type thing. I don't know if it'll actually last this time, and I'm not sure if I really care. On one hand, I really hope it does, because then he'll be free of a complete bitch and he could do SO much better! She's so controlling and just... ergh. I just can't stand her. But then he'll get his freedom back, so he'll be able to do what he wants, and we'll be able to talk and hang out again and whatnot.

On the OTHER hand, I almost hope he doesn't leave her, for the same exact reasons. If he does, that means he'll want to start talking and hanging out a lot again, and I'm not sure if I want that to happen. Well, I wouldn't mind the talking, but I doubt we could ever be best friends again like we used to be. Sure, it would be pretty awesome, but there are some problems with that.

One, I spend every moment of my freetime with Mike. Now, that's not a bad thing at all. I love every second I spend with him. <3 But I'm not really sure if I'd be willing to give up my Mike-time to hang out with him. Two, this said person would probably want to be more than just friends, and might try stuff. Yeeeah, I'm not okay with that. I never want to hurt Mike that way again. Ever. EVER. He deserves only the BEST.

Sigh.

This sucks. Hardcore. I don't want to hurt this said person anymore either... Hopefully he'll just be so happy not to be with her anymore, that he won't even think about trying to start any other kind of relationship. It would be great to just be friends.

But I know how much that would hurt Mike...

GOD, I'm such a hypocrite... I don't mean to be at all, and I try to apologize when I am... And then I get upset over things in his past. It's like... dude, he can't change it now, so I need to get over it and move on. And who am I to tell him not to talk to someone because it bothers him when I go ahead and talk to this said person, which really upsets him. I told him I'd stop talking to this person, and so far I've held to that. When I'm with him, I don't find it hard to stop talking to this person at all. Mike's smile is enough to get me to do just about anything. I'd give anything to see my baby happy. <3

Sigh again. I guess we shall see what happens. Until then, I just gotta keep my head up and keep on truckin'.

Note to self: Try to keep being honest with people! Don't dig any holes you can't climb yourself out of!! >.<

I'd write more, but I'm effin' tired, and now I'm totally ignoring poor Jeff Gordon. Jeff is amazing btw. Just thought I'd let you all know.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! :D

truth-is-blind

:: 2009 3 November :: 1.54am

Wait for me.

Squallet

:: 2009 29 October :: 11.48am
:: Mood: surprised

Hi Siranda! Love you more then you could possibly ever love me! : O lol But seriously I do love you more then you could possibly know, sooo with that said... Ima go for now! Bye!!

:: 2009 27 October :: 2.52am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: "October & April" by The Rasmus feat. Anette Olzon

I should be upset.
Massively upset.
In tears.
Hating myself.
But you know what?
I'm not.

So I fell in love with my best friend.
So my best friend happened to reciprocate those feelings.
So he happens to be everything I've dreamed of and so much more.
So what?

This is what makes me happy.
He's the one who makes me feel complete.
For once I'm not torn apart, but held together.

He's the Jack to my Rose.
The Noah to my Ally.
The Edward to my Bella.
The Aragorn to my Arwen.
The Christian to my Satine.
The Jack to my Sally.
The Squall to my Rinoa.
The Cloud to my Aeris.
The Tidus to my Yuna.
The Peter to my MJ.
The Steve to my Claire.
The Phantom to my Christine.
... Yes, I liked the phantom better...

Okay... I just felt like listing a bunch of those to see how many I could come up with. I could probably come up with more too, that's the sad part. xD

But in conclusion, he's the October to my April.
My other half in every possible way.

After watching Titanic together tonight (yes, we're dorks) we just laid together on his bed, his room dimly lit by the computer. Just the feeling of lying in his arms was absolutely incredible. We just talked sweetly and softly together as we held one another. Both of us had to comment on how seemingly perfect the moment was. It felt like the world, for that one moment, was in perfect balance, and everything was in harmony. Our chests were pressed together and I swore that I could feel his heart beating back against mine. It was like the world stopped spinning for just that moment, and we were the only two in existance.

It's so nice to have someone like him in my life. It's amazing to be loved the way I love in return. To have someone who enjoys spending time with me, someone who can express how they feel, someone who communicates openly with me, someone who pays attention to what I say and remembers even the littlest things that I mention, someone who can say sweet little things to make me smile even when I'm feeling miserable. Just... *sigh* I can't even put into words how happy having him makes me.

As long as I have him, anything is possible, and I hope his arms will always be my home. <3