squallet
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2009 25 October :: 1.59am
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
It is so fucking on!
Jim is a total douchebag.
End of story.
Mike is amazing.
Jenny is too.
And so is John.
End of story.
Who's the bitch now?
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squallet
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2009 18 October :: 4.02am
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Open My Eyes" by The Rasmus
You know what?
I came to a realization tonight.
Yes, another one.
Okay, it's actually the same one, but it seems to keep hitting me.
Everyone else seems to see it but me.
Why?
Because I try to deny it.
I keep trying to defend him, because I know I'll feel guilty for hurting him.
But in the end, I know they're right.
I do deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who will make me happy.
I'm not happy with where I am now, and people can see it.
So they ask "Why the hell are you still with him?"
And I'm like "You're right. Why AM I? o.o"
So it's official.
This is going to end, hopefully sooner rather than later.
I have someone amazing waiting for me, and I can't wait to call him mine.
I love you Michael! <3
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squallet
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2009 14 October :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: "All I Have To Give" by Backstreet Boys
A pretty picture, but nothing more...
So I came to a realization tonight. Everything over this past year, including the person I was, has been a complete lie, an act and nothing more. Want to know the funniest part? I even fooled myself. I thought that the person I was becoming was the person I wanted to be. I completely lost sight of who I was. I alienated myself from most others and did nothing but focused on trying to get a job so that I could save up money and leave this town behind.
I didn't realize that he was the reason I was changing...
But then I realized something. I took two seconds to separate my desires from his, and I realized that we didn't really want the same things. He wants to get away from his life, to escape. He wants to go away and learn, get another degree, and make more money to drown himself and his greedy ways in. Then in what way, shape, or form does he even need me by his side?
My realization? He doesn't. "Our" life doesn't concern him. It might as well just be his life, which just happens to include me. He doesn't care what I want in life. If it doesn't revolve around him, he wants nothing to do with it. I'm not about to just let my life pass me by just to give him what he wants. Even if I do love him, no man is worth that price.
So I told him I won't be moving with him next year. I'm staying right here in my hometown and going back to community college in the spring. Let's face it, I don't have the money to move across the country, nor do I have the time to save up that amount of money. It's just a ridiculous thought. It was a dream, but in time everyone eventually has to wake up.
Plus, I'd miss the snow. :P
So what's going to happen to us? We'll eventually drift apart. I'll have to let him go, and we'll both just have to move on with our lives. He shouldn't have too much of a problem doing this, but for some reason, I really dread hurting him. I don't want him to ever hurt, but I know that a future with him just won't make me happy. I can just feel that it won't.
I've found someone in my life recently... Someone who I love very dearly. Someone who helped me find myself again. He helped me see that I was just pretending that everything was okay, and that who I was pretending to be wasn't really who I was. In finding him, I found myself. Is that really such a bad thing?
For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Like for the longest time, part of me was missing and I didn't even know it. But when I looked in his eyes, I knew I was home.
And I know that this is the future that will make me happy, and it was right here the whole time. It was deep inside the heart of the best friend who I should have known would have stolen my heart in the end.
I'm home.
<3
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squallet
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2009 30 September :: 5.21pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "Move Along" by The All American Rejects
44, 44, 44.
Okay, this just happened, so I felt the need to blog it.
My last few blogs have only been like... well... a few lines of some emotional, sentimental stuff, but this is just hilarious.
Mike was just driving, rushing to get me home and get back to his work meeting on time, when he got pulled over for speeding. We knew that WickedFast couldn't be ticket-free forever. Not with the way Mike speeds. XD
The speed limit was 25. Mike was doing 44.
So the cop asks him, "Are you the owner of this vehicle? It says that the owner of this vehicle is 49 years old. Are you 49 years old?" And Mike's all "... No. o.o" Then as the cop went back to his car for a minute, Mike was all "Wtf...? Well, I have registration. *Pulls out of glovebox*" Haha! So yeah, apparently the cop looked up the wrong license place number.
Then on the ticket that he gave Mike, under remarks, it just said "44, 44, 44." XD!
Me: It says "44, 44, 44." I wonder what the hell that means. o.o
Mike: Um, probably that I was doing 44?
It was hilarious. It was almost like the cop was scolding him like a little kid for speeding. XD And it's a week before his 20th birthday too! He almost made it to 20 without a [caught] traffic violation. Trust me, I've seen him make a few. lol! So I told him jokingly that maybe me and John could try to help pay off his ticket for his birthday present. Then Mike was just like "Well, there goes my birthday money..." Haha!
Yeeeah, that's about it. I just felt the need to blog that. :D
Mr. Greenleaf, I do declare!
~ Squallet
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squallet
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2009 30 September :: 3.30am
:: Mood: giggly
Onoes! D:
NOT THE SIX DOLLAR NUGGETS!!!!!
... That is all... o.o
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squallet
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2009 28 September :: 10.53am
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: "Pretty Baby" by Vanessa Carlton
So it stormed last night... o.o
The thunder crashes loudly and threateningly.
But then I feel your arms around me, holding me close.
Concern. Protection. Love.
I've never felt more cared for in my life. ♥
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squallet
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2009 27 September :: 4.46pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: "Pretty Baby" by Vanessa Carlton
Somewhere along the way
We fell in love.
I barely even know you.
Yet I feel I know everything I need to know.
We collide.
Beautifully.
I truly don't mind.
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squallet
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2009 21 September :: 7.02pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "Last Waltz" by The Rasmus
This moment is everything.
The rain pours down.
We don't care.
It runs down our skin.
We don't care.
It soaks our clothes.
We don't care.
It drenches our hair.
And we just don't care.
Drowning in your eyes.
Your lips against mine.
Your arms around my back.
My hands at your neck.
Holding each other tightly.
Feeling loved.
Feeling wanted.
The pouring rain is insignificant.
You're all that exists in this moment.
In this moment, you're my world.
This, the last waltz, is all that matters.
Everything else is gone.
And I simply do not care.
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squallet
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2009 20 September :: 3.42am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: "Dangerous Kind" by The Rasmus
I'm falling.
Hard and fast.
End of story.
There's no other way to explain it.
My heart is pounding faster.
My lips are always turned up in a smile.
My cheeks are constantly flushing red.
Before I fall asleep, it's all that floods my mind.
And I think this must be what it feels like.
What it's like to be alive.
It's wrong, but so right.
I don't want to let it go.
We can never be.
But for tonight, at least I can dream.
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squallet
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2009 16 September :: 2.57pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "Life Burns!" by Apocalyptica feat. Lauri Ylönen <3
If only Finland were a little closer... o.o
Like a bullet you can hurt me, take me, brake me.
Like fire you can burn me, convert me.
Like a bullet you can hurt me.
This lyric just kind of stuck out to me today. I've listened to the song a hundred times or more, and yet, this is the first time it really struck me. Interesting, no?
And... my laptop is making this very faint grinding noise. I think it's the fan. o.o You can't hear it unless you press your ear against it though. Wonderful.
So I did some more job hunting yesterday! All in all, I only found four places that gave me paper applications. Several more told me to apply online, and the remainder weren't hiring or accepting applications. The good news? One of the places that gave me an application actually seems very promising! The lady who gave me the application seemed really nice, and the first thing she said was that the store REALLY needs daytime workers badly right now. So she told me that if I mark on my application that I'm available to work days, they'd probably put me at the top of the list, but that it might take a few weeks. I don't mind that at ALL as long as I would get hired! lol! It's at a Bath and Bodyworks store near my house. Truth be told, I REALLY hope I can land a job there. That's somewhere that I definitely wouldn't mind working! :D
So my hopes are really high right now! If I can get a solid job there and save up money to move by next May, that would be amazing! I can't believe that this winter may be the last time I see snow for a few years. Once we're done with school out in Arizona, we are SO moving somewhere where it snows. No more desert! Plus, I'm going to have kids some day. You think I'd deny them the delight of getting SNOW DAYS?! I don't think so! xD
Jim and I are going to start planning our trip to Arizona tonight. The more I think about going out there, the more nervous I get. Odds are that I'll get out there and it'll probably actually be really nice. The idea of the summers out there is torture though! Maybe I'll come home for the summers if I have the money. Come visit my family and whatnot. But we're planning to go check out the school in January, so it won't be so bad. I don't get how his parents live out there! o.o That's another thing I'm massively nervous about. I'm going to meet his parents, and they're going to hate me. :D Well, his mother will anyway. Man, why do I always have such bad luck with this stuff. D:
"What did I do yesterday?" you ask? Ok, so you didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway. As I previously mentioned, I did some job hunting. Afterwards, Mike picked me up and we went over to John's house. Shortly after we arrived, Eric arrived. We got bored of sitting downstairs pretty quickly, so we went outside and ended up playing hide and seek in the dark for a good half hour or more around John's house. It was epic.
Then we went back downstairs and sort of split up. John and Eric played with some music editing, while me and Mike played some PS3. After a short amount of Devil May Cry 4, we ended up getting bored, so we left at about 1:30 AM. It worked, since I had to be home by 2 anyway. Then I ended up calling home and being allowed out until 3-ish anyway, so Mike and I went for an adventure out in the middle of nowhere. It was pretty creepy! We were driving through the woods where there were no other cars, no houses, no street lights, nothing. It was out around Brecksville where his grandparents live. And then there was this one creepy side road we took that apparently only one person lives down. Here's how that conversation went.
Mike: Yeah, this road is really creepy! Only like, one person lives down here.
Me: No, there's two houses down here, see? *points*
Mike: Yeah, but that one is abandoned.
Me: ... Then why is there a light on in the window...? o.o
Mike: *Drives a little faster*
By the time we got to the end of the road, Mike thought he spotted something white out of the corner of his eyes, and he floored it the hell out of there doing 60. XD
Then there was the ghost town that we didn't get to go to! And it was all creepy and foggy and a barely got to see it! Apparently we got right before it and then turned around because we came to railroad tracks. But he's like "Wait... I remember there were railroad tracks before it... *turns around and books it*" That was mildly amusing. All we could keep thinking about was hoping we didn't see cars pulled off on the side of the road dumping bodies in the woods. Of course, then we drive past a big open field and I was a little relieved.
Me: Phew! Big open field! That makes me feel a little better than the creepy woods did!
Mike: *Snickers a little bit* Nevermind.
Me: What?
Mike: ... You can bury bodies in a big open field.
Me: Thanks Mike. >.>
All in all, it was a rather amusing adventure, which ended up with us rewriting the words to "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus to something like:
"They are watching
They are waiting
In the shadows
For our car to stall
Then they will hide
Our bloody bodies
In the shadows
Of the woods"
Yeah, we're not weird. Just paranoid. Lmao! It helped ease the creepiness a little bit though. And that reminds me, I forgot to mention how his car stalled in the middle of the woods. So he had to restart it, and for the few seconds it was off, we were just in pitch black in the middle of the woods. Doors locked, windows up, but moon roof open. XD
Alright, now I'm babbling, so I'm just going to wrap this up and say one thing. I love Jim. Why? Because he's amazing. End of story. :D
~ Squallet
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