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2009 14 September :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: "Keep Your Heart Broken" by The Rasmus
HOORAY!!!
Yeah.
That's right.
My journal now plays a shit ton of songs by The Rasmus.
Why?
Because I can.
So yeah.
The dance music will probably make a return eventually.
But for now, enjoy some music from my favorite band. :]
I'm more of a fan of their material from 2001-present.
But I threw some of their pre-Into stuff on here too. Wtfn?
I'm off to go get a shower and do some more job hunting.
Fare thee well!~
~ Squallet
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2009 14 September :: 5.07am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Open My Eyes" by The Rasmus
A day full of nothing... o.o
Thaaaat's pretty much what today was.
I did nothing productive. At all.
I massively slept in.
Then FlyFFed almost all day with Jim.
I went over John's for a few hours and played GTA4 with him.
Then I went home and did some more nothing.
Now, I'm tired as all fuck.
It was nice just talking to Jim all day though since both of us were home all day. :]
It's funny how he can piss me off so much one day, and be so wonderful the next.
Oh well, it's give and take, and we grow more and more together every day.
He can be an insensitive asshole, but I love him.
Especially on days like today, when I remember exactly why I fell for him in the first place. ;D
Well, I have more job hunting to do tomorrow, and possibly epic adventures with Mike.
Until then, here's some pics from our last adventure. xD
John looks like he's going to kill. Mike looks like he's going to kill himself. xD
Mike was caught in the act. Air guitaring.
The best picture of Mike ever. :D
Hoe vs. Pitchfork
An epic shot of John looking all modelesque.
John and his number one fan!
John's a-firin' his lasaaaar! *SHOOP DA WHOOP!*
Hooray for randomness! xD
Well, I'm off to get sleep now!
Night!~
~ Squallet
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2009 12 September :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park
You know what?
He needs to go fuck himself.
Seriously.
I can't even find it in me to explain why he's a fucking ass.
But he just needs to go fuck himself.
Well, fine. My phone's off. I'm not talking to him anymore today.
He can go be an ass with someone else. Whatever.
I miss my ex. Sure, he's an ass too, but at least he fucking gave a shit.
I hope he gets hit by a bus. >.>
~ Squallet
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2009 11 September :: 1.38am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Fight Inside" by Red
Air guitar, shooting star!
Alrighty there people, it's time for an update on my day!
Basically, I've never seen more of a complete 180 of a day in my life.
This morning I felt HORRIBLE. Then I texted Mike a little bit, and he helped me feel a little better by telling me that once me and Jim move in together and get things settled, things will probably be a lot smoother between us. I thought it through and figured that he was probably right.
Still, the rest of the day, I couldn't help but still feel like Jim's feelings for me weren't what they used to be. :\
So I get a call from Tawny because she needed a ride home from her friend's house. No big. I gave her one. Then after that, me and my dad headed out to my sister's house because it was her birthday today. We didn't really stay long, but we brought her a cake and hung out there for a few minutes, just to see her and tell her happy birthday.
Then my dad makes me drive home. Mind you, I LOVE driving, just not with him. He's the one that taught me how to drive, so I feel nervous driving with him. That and he critiques everything I do. >.> I know how to not ram into other cars on the highway, thank you very much.
Still, things were okayish. By the time I got home, Mike was there to pick me up so we could go hang out with John. Those two make my days so much brighter. Though Mike showed me some scars today that I didn't really like... :< If I catch him doing that again, I'm going to punch him! lol.
So yeah, we all went over John's house for a little bit and played with Mike's telescope again. He didn't totally mess it up this time! It was because this time, John and I didn't let him touch anything. Last time he played with the levers, he killed the moon. o.o
But before we went outside and played with the telescope, I ended up [accidentally] ditching them for an hour to talk to Jim on the phone. Why? Because I needed to. The way things have been lately, I REALLY needed to talk things out with him. And you know what? After I did, things seemed to get MUCH better. Jim was being really nice, and he was making me laugh, and it was just a great feeling. I asked him how he felt and he said he felt that I was stupid for worrying about how he feels. So I asked him again, and told him to be serious this time, and he told me that he loves me from the bottom of his heart, and that he always wants to be with me, and that he can't wait to move away with me so we can be on our own together. Yes, it made me aww.
So I told him how I've been feeling, he told me how he felt, admitted to being a little off since last week, and now he seems to be back to his normal, happy, dorky self. I'm expecting a call from him in the morning, so I'm going to go get some sleep. I also need to sleep as much as I can, seeing as how me, Mike, and John are going to try to stay out as late as we possibly can tomorrow night. That will be fun! Hopefully it'll take my mind off of the fact that Jim will be hanging out with his ex. >.> Sure, she's married now, and they'll probably be hanging out with her husband, but it still makes me feel REALLY awkward, especially seeing as how he nearly slept with her. Nyeh, I'd rather not think about it. *shudders* Thinking about him like that with anyone else just makes me cringe. I'm sure he'd feel the same way if I told him I was hanging out with Josh. It would lead to him thinking about my past with him, and he'd probably cringe too. But Mike and John are pretty amazing at making everything epic, so keeping my brain occupied shouldn't be a problem.
Until then, hasta la see ya! :P
~ Squallet
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2009 10 September :: 11.54am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "Soul Sacrifice" by Entwine
Hooray for lameness!
The past few days have been completely lame. Worse than lame. They've been just completely unbearable. I've never felt more like dying than I have in the past few days, and trust me, I'm usually a pretty optimistic person. >.>
Ever since Jim left on Sunday, things have been pretty horrible. It seems that the only time I'm finding any sense of joy in life is when I'm spending time with Mike and John. Thank God for them, because if I didn't have them right now, I don't know what I'd do.
Things have been COMPLETELY off since yesterday. My cell phone broke, so Jim and I decided that I should go to the Sprint store to see about getting a new one and renewing my contract, etc. He wanted them to charge it to his account but they couldn't do that, so I needed money up front. I ran home to see if I could borrow the money from my dad before the store closed. So he loaned me the $200 I needed, and Jim went and put $200 in my bank account so I could pay my dad back the next day, since he needed it for rent. Mind you, I'm paying Jim back in full as soon as I can.
Then things get fun! :D I start to play with the phone, which is the LG Rumor2, and realize "HEY! I can't take video on this thing anymore!", like I could do with the original Rumor. That right there was a MASSIVE bummer. And then I realized "Hey, without video on here, I can't have my own ringtones like I used to be able to!" On top of it all, I sold my original Rumor back to them for $24, which isn't a bad deal considering that I couldn't even get it to turn on, really. But then I realized that I had saved texts from Jim in there that meant a lot to me, some that were about a year old when we first got back together and he actually used to tell me sweet things. Anytime I looked through those, they always made me smile. Now they're gone, and I'll probably never hear some of those things again. I just don't even think he wants to be with me anymore sometimes.
Don't rush off! It gets even better! :D Ever since I got the phone, I get to feel like Jim hates me. I didn't know what the fuck to do. We agreed that I should try to go get that phone, because he knew that without a cell phone, he wouldn't be able to talk to me, seeing as how my house phone doesn't work and we don't have long distance. Wtf? If I'd known he was going to be such an ass about it, I wouldn't have fucking gotten the new phone. You know what? I don't even fucking want it anymore. He can have it and give it to someone he likes, because obviously I don't fall into that category anymore. I know he's frustrated with everything, trying to get ready to move with me and everything, and he says that's really the only thing he's looking forward to, which made me smile a bit. But still, shouldn't I feel like I'm more important to him than his wallet? :\
I don't even know what to do with all of it right now. I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship with him anymore. It feels more like we're just two people who are stuck together, not two people who want to be together. I just really hope I'm wrong about that. :<
On top of that, I got home last night from spending a little time with John and Mike, trying to feel better from such a crappy night. I talked to Jim for a little bit, still feeling like he hates me, and then I started to pass out. What then? My dad comes into my room and starts bitching at me, while I'm sleeping, about how I was supposed to work on something when I got home. What? MY OWN MUSIC. Dude. It's like... It's MY song. I can't just work on music on command. He wants me to get it done so that my mom will stop complaining about wanting to hear it when it's finished. So he didn't help me feel any better.
In conclusion, I feel like a massive waste of space right now, who nobody wants anything to do with. Yay? Well, that's not true. I have Mike and John. They like me, most days. xD
One thing did cheer me up a little today. I got a message from this really nice guy that I haven't heard from in a while. It didn't say anything especially nice, but he said that he appreciated the time and thought that went into this really long message that I sent him yesterday. I've missed talking to him so much. He always made my worst days a little better. Anyway, he still needs time to think over what I said, so I'm not getting any immediate responses, but that's good enough for me. Just hearing from him made things a little better, even though at first I was terrified to see that he responded. I was expecting him to be all "Rawr! I hate you!" or something. o.o
And STILL no job. WONDERFUL!! I need one ASAP!! Maybe once I pay Jim back, he'll go back to liking me again. >.>
Whatever.
~ Squallet
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2009 3 September :: 8.01am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: "Keep Your Heart Broken" by The Rasmus <3
YAY!!! Finally!!!
For the first time in weeks, I actally managed to sleep through the night! :D
No, staying up through the entire day yesterday didn't happen. I ended up passing up at around 3 PM. But then I woke up at 8 PM so I was still a little tired. Called Jim, talked, FlyFFed. Then I began to pass out again around 2 AM, so I took advantage of it, got off the computer, laid down, and managed to fall back asleep. I woke up this morning at about 7:30 AM feeling pretty good. I was just super excited to wake up and actually see the SUN RISING!! :D
Ahh, The Rasmus. My all-time favorite band. <3 I REALLY wish that they would come back to the US. They haven't played here, meaning in my city specifically, since October 2006. :< They just finished touring for their latest album, Black Roses, a month or so ago with their last shows played over in Europe. Right now they're taking a small break to spend some time to themselves. The duet that they did with Anette Olzon of Nightwish should be out soon. Yay! I'm SO looking forward to that. :D
They're also working on some material and might even have another album out by 2010. Let's just hope that more shows are coming up soon and that they decide to come to the US! Something that I never thought possible has happened! I've actually turned some of my friends into fans of The Rasmus! When I started listening to them, nobody really knew who they were. Ever since Black Roses came out, I've been trying to gain them some recognition here. And now, I finally have a small group of people who definitely want to go see them with me the next time they play a show here, including Mike, Tawny, and Ashley. :D
That... is just the freakin' coolest thing ever. Now, they just need to actually play a show here before I move to Arizona! D: If they don't, I AM coming back to Ohio just to see them play here, for the record. I'll just use that "I'm visiting my parents" excuse. Lmao! Nah, I probably will come visit them when that happens. ^^
On another note, I've made a goal for myself. It's a goal that I've already had, but that I've sort of lost sight of. I did a little research yesterday, and determined that if I can burn 500 more calories than I take in every day, I can be down to my target weight in about one year. I could probably do more than that, considering that I don't really eat enough as it is, but it suggests that that's really not a good thing to do. Also, my BMR is 1700, so my body apparently has to take in 1700 calories a day to function properly.
Thus, my goal is to take in those 1700 calories every day, hopefully in food that is on the healthier side, and then to burn 2200+ calories a day through working out and other everyday activities. I used to work out several times a week, but I haven't really been doing so much of it lately.
I have a bike path right across the street from me that stretches on forever, so I'd like to walk/jog/run over there every day. Perhaps break it up and go for a jog in the morning, and then another later on in the evening. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do in the winter. My sister has an elliptical machine, but she's usually busy, so I can't get over there every day. It won't be so much of a problem once I move to Arizona, except then I'll have to worry about the summer... Lmao! In addition to that cardio work, I'd like to do a few additional excercises to target certain areas. I need to find myself some dumbbells. o.o
So yeah, I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat and everything, and I'm going to work on getting a scheduled routine together. I'm actually pretty excited to get this planned out. I just hope everything goes according to plan! :P
~ Squallet
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2009 2 September :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: tired
The wonderful world of literature...
The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?
[ ] Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
[X] The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (<3 And I'm rereading them now. :D)
[ ] Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
[X] Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
[X] To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
[ ] The Bible (Never got through all of it. It's kind of big.)
[X] Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (<3)
[X] Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell (<3)
[ ] His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
[ ] Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
[ ] Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
[ ] Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
[ ] Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
[ ] Complete Works of Shakespeare
[ ] Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
[X] The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (<3)
[ ] Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
[ ] Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
[ ] The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
[ ] Middlemarch - George Eliot
[X] Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
[X] The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
[ ] Bleak House - Charles Dickens
[ ] War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
[ ] The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
[ ] Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
[ ] Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
[ ] Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
[ ] The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
[ ] Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
[ ] David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
[ ] Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
[ ] Emma - Jane Austen
[ ] Persuasion - Jane Austen
[ ] The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
[ ] The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
[ ] Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
[ ] Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (I REALLY want to read it)
[ ] Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
[ ] Animal Farm - George Orwell
[X] The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (And Angels & Demons)
[ ] One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[ ] A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
[ ] The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
[ ] Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
[ ] Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
[ ] The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
[ ] Lord of the Flies - William Golding
[ ] Atonement - Ian McEwan
[ ] Life of Pi - Yann Martel
[ ] Dune - Frank Herbert
[ ] Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
[ ] Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
[ ] A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
[ ] The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
[ ] A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
[ ] Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
[ ] The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
[ ] Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[ ] Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
[ ] Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
[ ] The Secret History - Donna Tartt
[ ] The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
[X] Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (<3 I REALLY enjoyed it. :D)
[ ] On The Road - Jack Kerouac
[ ] Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
[ ] Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
[ ] Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
[ ] Moby Dick - Herman Melville
[ ] Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
[X] Dracula - Bram Stoker
[ ] The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
[ ] Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
[ ] Ulysses - James Joyce
[ ] The Inferno – Dante (Not yet)
[ ] Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
[ ] Germinal - Emile Zola
[ ] Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
[ ] Possession - AS Byatt
[X] A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
[ ] Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
[ ] The Color Purple - Alice Walker
[ ] The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
[ ] Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
[ ] A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
[X] Charlotte's Web - EB White
[ ] The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
[ ] Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
[ ] The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
[ ] Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
[ ] The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
[ ] The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
[ ] Watership Down - Richard Adams
[ ] A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
[ ] A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
[ ] The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
[X] Hamlet - William Shakespeare (Probably my favorite of Shakespeare's work. <3)
[ ] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
[ ] Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
My total: 14
Still not impressive, but I did more than double what they expected of me. Plus, there are some on this list that I would love to read. ^^
Yes, I'm still awake, and I'm trying to keep myself entertained. xD
~ Squallet
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2009 2 September :: 9.34am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Caramelldansen" by Caramell
Ok, that's it... >.>
You know all that happiness I was talking about earlier? Forget it.
And by the way, no, I never actually got around to sleeping like I wanted to.
Fuck it, I'm just staying up all day. I have planning that I really need to do.
I just got hit with a REALLY massive wave of depression.
I sort of just randomly burst into tears a few seconds ago.
My life is going nowhere. Bottom line.
And it isn't fucking fair that I have to be ready for everything just because he is. He's four fucking years older. He's had time to get ready for all of this.
And stop me if I'm wrong, but doesn't he have mommy and daddy to hand him anything he needs if he ever screws up in life? It's just not fucking fair. He expects me to be on the same level he is, ready to move out on my own and pay for everything when I have NO money saved up yet and no income, because I'm still looking for a job. Wtf?
First of all, my parents are shit poor. Anything I get in life, I have to get it on my own. If I fall on my ass, I don't have anyone to pick me up and help me out. I KNOW my parents WANT to be able to help me, and that they would try to in any way possible, but I know that they just can't.
Who the hell is he to complain about his life? As far as I'm concerned, there's NOTHING wrong with his life. He had his college paid for him, he has two bachelor's degrees, he works a 9-5 job where he earns $43k a year, has medical/dental/vision insurance, AND has a 401k plan going. On top of all of that, he has a family that actually does things together and friends who always invite him to do stuff with them. And all of this STILL isn't enough for him? It won't fucking be enough until he's richer than God with a white picket fence to top it all off. >.>
And then he still has the audacity to go on about how he doesn't have much respect for people who don't work hard. But does he realize that not everybody is as privileged as he is/was. If I could have my parents pay for my education, then hell, I'd be at the four year college of my choice right now, doing REALLY fucking well might I add. Then I would graduate and get my bachelor's and I'd be able to get a good job too. Does he realize that the only shit I'm going to get now is a fucking minimum wage job with no benefits whatsoever? And apparently, I can't even get one of THOSE. I guess nobody wants a hard-working, friendly, respectable girl working for them anymore. I bet if I were pretty that I would have a job by now. >.>
If only I could jump on a one-way track to stardom or something. Trust me, if I had a chance, I could be great. I'm a wonderful singer and I can act fairly well. I'm pretty decent with art and technology. I'm good at picking something up pretty quickly and teaching myself things by experimentation. Hell, if I had a job, I'd probably work harder than most of the people there. I don't just sit around and talk with my coworkers or slack off. I use my time productively. I have a strong sense of honor; I'm very honest. I always respect figures of authority, I'm very agreeable, and I'm very cheerful and people-friendly. So why is it that NOBODY seems to want to hire me?! With my first job, I turned in ONE application, had ONE interview, and got the job. Now, I've turned in about TWENTY applications, had one interview, and NEVER heard back from them. The economy fucking blows.
And yes, I swear a lot on my free time, when I'm alone or with friends/family, but TRUST me, I NEVER talk like that in a work environment. I act VERY professionally. I KNOW I'd be an asset to any company. I can work any hours of any day, and don't even care what the work is [as long as it's not prostituting or killing or something] and yet still NOTHING. My only personal requirement is that they freakin' PAY ME, and I'd prefer to have enough hours to actually save some money up so that I can go back to college next fall. Dear GOD is that too much to ask?!
UGH!!!!!!!!!1!1!!1!!!
Ok, now I think I've ranted just about everything I can. By the way, my depression kick is over and I'm feeling a bit better. Venting on here helped a lot. And somehow Jim went from making me sad and angry to making me laugh about stuff and feel better. What a dork. But I love him. <3
Well, I guess I'm just going to try to stay up all day, so I'm going to go find something to occupy my mind. I'll probably text Mike all morning while he's at work. If I could just stay up long enough for my mom to wake up or my dad to get home, I'd have them to keep me up. xD
Now, to go find some form of substance. Though I'm thinking about just not eating again. I know anorexia isn't healthy, but I just seem to have trouble with every other form of trying to lose weight. And it's not that I don't eat at all, it's just sometimes that I forget that I need to. But it was working for me for a little bit, so maybe I'll do that some more. And I need to start working out again. I haven't been for a while. I wish I knew somebody that I could hang out and work out with. TAWNY! I'm so asking her. xD
Alright earthlings, hope you enjoyed the rant. Signing off!
~ Squallet
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2009 2 September :: 3.33am
:: Music: "You Spin Me Round" by Eiffel 65
Let's go to Texas! XD
It's 3:33 AM, and that's still pretty early for me. o.o
Me and Jen are having some very amusing conversations right now. About cops, and a guy named Guy, and about boyfriends and how they massively suck sometimes. xD
Then again, what's new? Conversations are always amusing when Jen is involved.
I'm actually in a really calm state of mind right now, and there really isn't much on my mind to rant about. o.o
Jim and I figured out today that you can propose to people in FlyFF now. Yeah, I've been playing again the past two nights. So that's amusing.
And woohoo! Only 3 days until he gets here! Well, a little less technically. But yay! Our one year anniversary is this Sunday and I just really can't wait to see him again! Long distance relationships blow! But everything is worth it just to see him for a few days. ^^
Yes, he can be immature and annoying sometimes, and sometimes he can act just plain insensitive and jerkish, but I love him nonetheless, for all the amazing things about him. :D
Well, I'm hitting that limit I wanted to be asleep by. I figure if I get to sleep before 5 AM tonight that I should actually get up by noon or one. I'm trying to sort out my sleeping schedule by the time that Jim gets here. Eep! I can't wait! <3
Omg. That's it. I'm moving to Texas. xD You heard me! I'm so moving in with Jenny. Like.. that would be perfect! o.o I just have to figure out getting a vehicle to actually drive down there with all my shit. I wonder if anyone would loan me money to make the move. It would make my move to Arizona next year a lot less difficult in the long run. Then it would only be moving one state over. Brilliant!
I'll have to think more on this later. Signing off! :D
~ Squallet
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2009 1 September :: 8.42am
:: Music: "Another Race" by Eiffel 65
The point?
Yes, the last thought got it's own entry because I found it that amusing. ANYWAY, I figure I should actually get to the point of this entry and tell everyone why I made this journal. I use the term "everyone" loosely, seeing as how I'm sure I probably won't be attracting that many viewers. Which sucks, because my page is awesome. XD
I made it because, while I liked my last journal, it was missing something. It was too predictable. There were several people I knew in the real world who had the link to it, so therefore I naturally found myself using discretion about what I posted.
Obviously if my boyfriend has a link to my journal, I'm not going to post "MY BOYFRIEND IS A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!" as an entry title. o.o
So yes, I decided to get myself a new journal where I can remain anonymous. Woohoo!
Let's face it. Everyone could use a place where they can come and just rant and bitch to their heart's content, without actually having to put others through listening to it. It's like therapy.
And trust me, at this point in my life, I could really use it.
On top of that, I wanted somewhere where I could be who I want to be, and not necessarily who I am. Of course all the thoughts transposed here are my own. Otherwise, what would be the point of having a journal?
What I mean by that is that the real world tends to limit me from being what I want to be. It's not the world's fault, it's mine.
I'm nowhere near as outspoken as I'd like to be, unless I'm talking to somebody I know well. I don't tend to stand out as much as I'd like to either. I'm very plain. Inside my head, I'm very eccentric, but it just doesn't come through on the outside. Other people tend to have very bright and strong personalities, and I just seem to come across as dull if you don't know me.
You know why? It's because I always land in the shades of gray. I don't seem to have a solid viewpoint on anything. It's not that I don't have an opinion, it's just that I can easily see things from many different perspectives. I see things that I like and dislike about opposing sides of a situation, and then form my own little inbetween third party.
But I'm sick of being quiet. I'm sick of fading into the background. And I plan to do something about it. I've already realized lately that I seem to be more outgoing than I used to be. I used to be completely content with just sitting around at home, playing games or watching movies, hanging out with my family, but now I find that if I don't get out enough, I tend to go crazy.
I currently only have about three true friends, and by true friends, I mean people that I actually talk to and hang out with. There are a few other friends I consider true as well, but due to circumstances, we can't actually hang out and whatnot. These would be the people like Jenny and Randy. I love them both to pieces, but they're half way across the country. Hell, Randy isn't even in the country. Damn Canadian! xD
But yes, the three.
There's John, because there's always John. John's house is pretty much my house away from home. I can go there most of the time to escape my house, and we do anything from playing video games to watching documentaries on the universe. It's pretty rockin'.
There's Tawny, because she's like the little sister I never had. Like, seriously, I wish she was my sister. We go on the most RANDOM adventures together, and they're freakin' epic. Hooray for getting lost and blowing out tires.
And lastly there's Mike. I don't think I go a day without texting Mike now, which is funny because we never really talked much before a few weeks ago. But there's a lot more to him then I ever thought there was. He's a pretty troubled guy. But he's also one of the nicest people I know, and he's so easy to get along with. Plus, we like taking random drives and getting lost. We need to take Tawny next time though! :P
So yes, those are the three people I actually hang out with on a regular basis, aside from my family. It's good, because most days my family can just drive me nuts.
ARGHHGHHH!!! THE FUCKING ENTER KEY IS A BITCH!! >.< Like... seriously. I have to lay on the fucking thing to get it to work. Wow, that was off topic...
I've also come to the conclusion that my boyfriend can really just be a moron. >.> Seriously. Hahaha! It's funny how much better of a mood I was in before he called. Now I'm on the phone with him and I'm just all pissy. I can't help it that he's being stupid. I wonder if he always has been, and if so, why didn't I notice it before? No, no, there are definitely things I love about him. Trust me, I'm crazy about him. But some days I just can't stand him. Today happens to be one of those days. Then again, I'm also PMSing. As if any of you needed to know that. >.>
On another random note, why are men pigs? And no, I don't mean all men. There are two very different sides of my mind: The rational side and the emotional side. The rational side has come to the realization that everybody looks at other people, even if they're in a committed relationship.
It's human nature. I do it. I don't think about actually BEING with someone else, and I don't think about anyone else sexually or anything, but I look and I have no problem noting that I find another man attractive. Hell, I have no problem admitting that I find a woman attractive either.
But then the emotional side kicks in, and if I think about my boyfiend doing that or something along those lines, it hurts. I know that it's hypocritical because I do the same thing, and everyone does it, etc. If he wanted something else, he wouldn't be with me. I know that as well. But for some reason, he just has this ability to make me hurt more than anyone else has ever had. I've gotten better with keeping it under control and I usually just try to laugh it off or something, but it hurts.
Luckily, the man I'm with doesn't look at other woman objectively. He sees everyone the same, just as people. I have a massive respect for him for that. I know for a fact that he doesn't look at other woman like that, or doesn't think about them the way he thinks about me. And my sister fucking pisses me off, because all she can keep telling me is that all men look at and think about other women, that they just wouldn't admit that.
Trust me, I'm not naiive. I KNOW that's the case with most men. But I also know that I know my boyfriend more than she ever will, and he's a very genuine and honest guy, to a fault. If he did do that, trust me, he would have blurted it out by now. He tends to be very insensitive on those kinds of matter. He doesn't think before he speaks, so it just ends up like a smack in my face. :D But if there's one thing I give him credit for, it's that he's not a shady character in the least, so that's good.
Wow. I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to go off and rant about that for such a long time. xD
I'm also massively bipolar. :D
God, I don't even remember all of what I was ranting about now, but what I do know is that I want to make myself a list of goals and keep up with them. And I plan on doing that, but it's going to have to wait until I get some sleep. My brain is on the verge of dead.
Go watch the first episode of season 3 of The Guild. Now. xD
I shall return, and hopefully with more comprehendable thoughts and sentences. Signing off!
~ Squallet
speak?
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