Today was such a weird/emotional day.

First, I went to church. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Not because I am Agnostic, but because it brings back bad memories. I stand there knowing that the person who used to stand next to me will never stand next to me there again. Or anywhere for that matter. The person I loved is gone and we'll never step into that place together like we used to. Growing and learning as one. Then I looked at my brother's wife, singing in the choir and my brother facing her singing in the crowd. They are such an amazing couple. They are so incredibly strong and in love. And they'll never divorce, cheat, or lie. They truly don't care about negative things or make them a part of their life. Yeah, they do bother me with their God stuff sometimes, but at least it works for them. At least they're happy. At least they are in love, and neither of them ever have to worry about lying between them. They are so strong, it's insane really.

I am happy for them, they're going to live a life I wish I could have.
Maybe I will some day.

Then we went to their apartment and my mom started talking about my dad and how he had some sort of attack the other day. He's dying and she said she's actually going to miss him. For so long she wanted him to die and now that he is, she wants him to live. She started crying and it made me feel horrible. After all the things he's done to her, us, and the entire family she still loves him and doesn't want to live without him. She loves that man so much and I have no idea why. Actually, I do...because once you love someone you can't stop. It doesn't matter what they've done or who they have become. You just love them. Just because.

I know, because I am there now.

The church service today was sad enough as it was. It was all about how to be good to your partner and how to get back to love if you're not in it now. Everything really hurt to hear, because I know our relationship could have lasted if only we did those things. If only I tried harder and he didn't do the shit he did. If only he wasn't who he truly is.

That's the only thing keeping me strong to not ever be with him again (not that I have a choice. He decided that for me a while ago). He cheated on me, he lied to me, and hurt me all of the time. And that's just who is he. He loves things too much that I can so easily live without. And that's where we differ. That's where I finally see that we would never make it. We're too different to ever exist as us.

That makes me want to cry.
But, at least I know now there has to be someone else. I can't stay stuck on someone like that. I will for a while, but my mind is too strong to go back to it.

If I knew he would never lie or cheat on me again I'd go back to him. I'd move to wherever the hell he ever ends up. But, I don't know and I'll never know anything. So, it's over and that's sad.

But, that's just me; sad.