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cleverlinesunread
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2009 30 September :: 11.31am
:: Music: Sybris
Plans.
These last few weeks I've felt rather apprehensive. This year of my life has been so amazing and honestly the best year of my life. I'm not sure why exactly, nothing outstanding has happened. It's just.. I don't know. I've felt stronger and more in control and actually happy. Maybe it was leaving Australia and, really, going there in the first place. I gained a lot of independence leaving here and then there. I think it's also being single. I had a little drama here and there and definitely a few distractions and hardcore crushes, but no one really wants to put any effort into a rolling stone, which in the end really only paid off. I think most of it is seeing that I can actually be happy. I struggled with that a lot when I was young, because I was naive and well, young. And even when I experienced happiness it was always due to a relationship or for only instances. Depending on being sought after to be happy. I finally learned how to do that on my own and though one day I'd love to be in a relationship again, and I obviously will be, it's nice to know there's more to life and I can actually see that. It's important to learn how to be happy with yourself. I'm not sure how I did it, maybe because I had no choice, but I gained so much more confidence and learned who I was and what I truly cared about. I've never really felt comfortable in my own skin, probably due to those around me, but I can finally look in the mirror and like what I see. I can finally appreciate my body and say even though in some peoples eyes I'm not a "real woman" and I don't have some huge chest I actually love my body. I never thought I'd get to a point where I could say I liked my chest and I actually do. I even am to the point where I wouldn't want a big chest even if I had the choice. That may seem odd and it may also seem odd that I am even talking about this, but for a girl, from a girls point of view, that's a huge thing and somewhere I never thought I'd get. I don't think I'm the prettiest girl on the planet and I still see those around me who would put me to shame, but I've come to realize if everyone was "perfect" that just wouldn't be exciting or real and I'm a fan of reality I suppose.
So, back to the reason I'm feeling apprehensive! It's like as soon as things were right and I truly settled into something good it's time for me to go. It's like I don't want to say goodbye to this. I finally love and understand my family, I have actual, real friends that aren't like the people who are still stuck in High School, Grand Rapids seems to be really opening up and there's so much to do around here finally, and my Photography is really bringing in a lot of money and I've learned A LOT within the past month even. So it's like I am walking away from things I've worked hard to build or things that fell into place, but at the same time I know it's time for me to move onto something else. Something more gratifying, life changing, and growing. I've talked to a lot of people who have served and I've heard the same thing from all of them. They say it's really hard, you'll want to go home, you'll struggle a lot, but in the end it's one of the most amazing experiences ever and they are glad they persevered. I can't say I am exactly ready for it or prepared, and more than likely I'm going to be knocked on my ass, but I am ready to stick it through and stay along for the ride. If I settled into my life now I can't imagine how I would feel looking back wondering what different experiences I could have had. I don't want what most people want and I can't imagine living like those around me. So, in my eyes, I have no choice. And having no choice has never seemed so right.
Once I've served I'd like to get into an overseas program. I suppose I am a bit open to anything right now though. I think I'll get some opportunities once I am in CA and more options will be thrown at me so when people ask me what my plan is... well, it doesn't exist. How can I make a plan when I haven't lived the next year of my life yet? How can I know what I want or what I'll learn about? As far as I'm concerned college, careers, families, relationships, and plans can find some other poor sap to latch onto it. My plan is to live and find out on the way.
::Find Yourself::
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cleverlinesunread
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2009 18 September :: 7.16pm
You're radicle;radical.
I don't believe in God, Heaven, Hell, angels, or even a higher power. I don't believe in soul mates, love at first sight, or "all you need is love." Nor do I believe "everything happens for a reason" or faith. But I do believe in timing. I think everything comes down to timing. And sometimes time is the most stubborn, slow, selfish thing. I don't have the best timing or even good timing really. My timing...fucking sucks and I'm trying to be patient, but I can clearly say patience has never been one of my strong suits. I've become restless and though I don't believe in things happening for a reason it seems as though nothing's working out due to no faults of my own. I'm not doing anything differently, I'll admit I'm not being active, but I've never really had to chase something so hard or been shut down so quickly. I'm not sure if it's because the universe just knows it's not right and though my heart feels torn everything else knows I'll make it through it and it's all shallow anyway. I know it may seem odd to say things like that since I previously stated I don't believe in much of anything, but I do believe in energies. I think not acknowledging the world and the way it somehow works together is silly. The nature of animals, human nature, nature itself.. we're all connected in this beautifully harmonious way and ignoring that would be far too ignorant.
I don't think everything is just a coincidence. I think it's all very intricate and everyone and everything observes and adapts in the most breath taking ways.
When you talk about a tumbleweed most people see it as something only found in old western movies or in deserts and if seen it's still thought of as simply weeds intertwined blowing across the land. Nothing too exciting. But when you really think about it's not just weeds blowing in the wind at all. It has broken free to live it's own life. It's doing a job, it's in charge of it's own existence, it's spreading itself everywhere it goes. It's traveling and in a sense doing what it's meant to do and then dying. I'm not trying to reach here or seem all deep, but I think of humans as tumble weeds in a way. From afar people are just interesting or something new. And once you get closer you start to learn and you see their purpose and learn their goals. They're not just traveling from place to place to gain new ground. They have a duty and a purpose and once they do what they need to do they die. But then to say we're all tumbleweeds isn't quite correct. I think some of us never become aerial. Some of us are primary's or lateral's. You implant, you absorb, and anchor yourself somewhere where you can get what you need. All the while never really seeing anything more than what's around you. You don't bother to travel great distances, you don't choose to interact with those around you, you pretty much keep to yourself and do what's best for you. You grow, you collect, you become stronger, but as far as changing into something else it just doesn't happen.
I also like to think of human sex much like insect sexual cannibalism. I know that may seem laughable and the female role is often reversed when it comes to humans, but I think comparing the two isn't so high of a leap. We lure them in, we take what we want, and in the end one of us dies. I know, I know.. a bit of a hyperbole, but taking it as a loose comparison you may be able to make a connection.
I could go on and on, but I suppose my main point is that we, the earth, are more in sync than we think. We're not so different from the miniscule or colossal things around us whether we're talking about how gears turn to make a machine operate, how a building is built to stand and hold, how animals prey and are predators, how plants grow and die.. comparing us isn't odd at all.
We're more alike than we think and than we'll ever know.
There is reason. On this earth, all around us. We're all constantly colliding in ways we sometimes don't even notice.
::Find Yourself::
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cleverlinesunread
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2009 18 September :: 6.38am
:: Music: Manchester
I wanted to say I'm sorry, though the words I said don't lack truth. But truth isn't always permission to say whatever you feel. We all need a censor and for some reason mine wasn't sensing a damn thing. I like to think I'm in control and I keep myself in check. I didn't. I failed. I spoke when it wasn't my job to speak. I judged when it wasn't my place to judge. I became engrossed when there were no reasons (other than shallow ones) to do so. And, for that, I am sorry.
I don't expect any sort of forgiveness, acceptance, or even acknowledgment nor do I want that. I just feel at this point in my life there are things I have to let go of and anger that has to shed and if I'm going to do that it's time to move on entirely and get my thoughts somewhere other than just my mind. Even if every one else feels the same before or after my words, it may be selfish, but it helps me.
I don't hate you. I never could. Whether we're ever friends or even like each other, or have to simply tolerate each other, I won't do any of that with spite.
We just exist together and sometimes our existence will collide and all I'd really want is some sort of comfort when that happens rather arrogance or hate.
I'm rambling. Basically, a lot of what I did was out of line and though there's still anger inside of me it's time to let go so I am.
I hope you can too. If not, that's also ok. I'm not asking for anything.
Also, congratulations. I'm truly happy for you. I knew you wanted this really bad and ask anyone; throughout this entire 'ending our friendship' thing I always said I really wished you'd get in, because you really wanted to.
::Find Yourself::
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