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2010 30 April :: 1.04 pm
This past week has been wonderful, I got to be with my best friend for over 72 hours straight! Its such a rareity that I see her anymore. I enjoy every minute.
Though I have had a great time I hadn't been able to enjoy it as much as I had hoped. Its not like anything went wrong. Its just time, and the place. I hate not knowing, I hate waking up and worrying about what kind of phone call I'm going to get, and what it might mean. I hate not being able to go out with my mother and watching her suffer every single day. I hate it. I hate waking up period anymore. Its as if while I'm sleeping nothing bad can happen. I've watched as my mothers been ripped right out of my hands and stretched out onto some sort of death bed. I hate that everyone pretends that nothings happening and I hate how the doctors wont help and the insurance companies dont give a shit. I hate how this is affecting my marriage and my complete attitude. I dont want to lose her. I dont want her gone and I dont want to put her in the ground before she's had a chance to live again. There are days where I'll sit with her and she'll talk about all these plans she has of seeing the world and how spoiled my children are going to be, though all the while she's sewing a baby blanket for her grandkids that she knows she might very well not see and wants to do something for them. I hate knowing that I may have to live the next 60 years without being able to call her and get advise or concole her after a long day of work that she just cant handle. I hate knowing I may never be able to hear her laugh again. I dont want her to go. I dont want to lose the closest person to me. I cant handle it. I dont know what I would do without her and now I have to face that reality and it scares me. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out writting this long diatrob that I know no one reads because if my family ever found out how I'm feeling it would be like shifting the foundation, and our family cannot deal with anymore.
1 razor |
let's cut the wings away |