:: 2010 5 March :: 10.40 pm

Man lifes complicated.

Thaddeus was sent from heaven to make sure
I don't loose my mind I swear.

Without him I go nuts.
Not because I miss him
or because he's all lovey dovey (because he's totally not)
but he grounds me
He reminds me that I'm no superwoman that can do it all
and he believes in me deeply
more than I do myself most days

Out of nowhere I come up with all of these ideas, all of these
aspirations. I want to do everything - then a week later
nothing.
One day I want to take the world head on
then the next I wake up and realize I cannot do everything as easily as I'd like
Then I don't want to do anything at all and settle
But its not like I'm settling I just dont know what I want to do
It is not being indesisive
Its more so I just dont know what I'd be happy with
I don't know what kind of job would make me happy
everyday
I don't know how to go about it

But what I do know scares the living piss out of me
I know if I stay in the job I have now
The job I enjoy
That's like a family
With the ups and the downs
I wont be able to get by

I wont be able to live off of it
there would be no savings
no new car that I so desperately need
no chance for promotion or progression in my job
no security
even for a top chef
no raise

I'm sick of Thaddeus being the bread winner
and soul provider
I once took care of him and now the roles are reverced I hate it
I hate him giving me an 'allowance'
because all my money went to bills and I have absolutely nothing left
I hate having to ask if I can buy papper towl
I hate it!

But he does it in stride
He doesnt mind because he knows I try
and I guess because he loves me too
He never complains
and never yells
What have I done to deserve him
'cause God knows that I yell
I scream
I tell him no when he wants to buy stuff (that he buys anyway)

Speak of the devil
Its time to go pick him up from work right now.
I'll update later.

let's cut the wings away