:: 2004 6 April :: 5.31 am
:: Music: Pedro the Lion - The Longer I Lay Here

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:: 2004 3 April :: 10.26 pm
:: Mood: blah

My stomach hurts. I came back from the movies not too long ago it sucked. (the movie, not my time...I know how to have a good time.) The plan was to go with Scott, but that didn't happen because he backed out a couple of hours before because he was 'tired' from yard work or something like that. I didn't really care though. I was actually relieved. I thought it would have been weird because I know he probably would have brought a couple of his friends and whatever. So, I was talking to him after I came from the movies and he said that he feels like crap, so I'm thinking? Why are you still on? It's like, get some rest...quit sitting around sulking about how sick you are and do something about it. Pump up some emo and fall asleep. Anyway, he apologized and stuff and said that he was sorry that he couldn't go and that it would have been fun to cuddle and stuff.
I think I know what my problem is. It's like at some point I did like Scott. But now I have totally fallen out of it. I don't know what is. I mean, he's a good guy, but I don't know. I don't want to say that he's bored me...I'm not just saying this because he didn't go the movies with me...like I said, I'm glad he didn't. I told Christina that one of the reasons why...probably....I'm not sure, he never really actually said this, but yesterday, I was talking to Sean, and I'm thinking maybe he got mad because I was talking to Sean more than I was talking to him. Stupid reason to be mad, but whatever. Yeah, so I don't know how long this whole fwb thing is going to last. I think it's totally benefiting him and I'm just there...*sigh* mixed emotions. Hmm, to keep doing this or to just call it off and still be friends. I think he's too into it.

WARNING you might want to scroll down...this is just here for my recalling...
Okay, the first day. Not too much happened. All I kept thinking was, is it supposed to be this slobbery? The kid just gouged his tongue into my mouth.
On the second day, I guess things got a little better. Although he explored a little more than I did. He sort of stuck is thumbs at the rim of my pants. Then the bell rang. Haha.
The third day...yeah...his juices were definitely flowing. So we're doing our thing and his hands are in my front pockets then, we were interrupted by some people. We continued and next thing I know, the brotha's hands are floatin' between my thighs. I'm like...um, I guess this comes with the territory, I was like...whatever.

Yeah so, he said sorry about that. I'm glad he realized what he did. He said that he got excited. And I was like, uh, okay. Then he wanted to know if he was doing anything wrong, or if there was anything, I wanted him to do more of because he didn't want to piss me off. I told him that if he did anything to piss me off, I'd let him know right then and there. I just think it's totally weird, doing that every morning, honestly, how long is this going to last?! Well, that's all I have to say right now, so I'll leave it at that.

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:: 2004 2 April :: 3.27 pm
:: Mood: mellow

Three days straight, people. THREE! It feels really weird. It's like more and more he gets sneakier and I don't know why I allow it. Like the first day, nothing happened because I guess he knew I was nervous. Then the 2nd day he started to get really sneaky and I was just like...okay, I guess this comes with the territory. And then today. Okay, yeah...dare I explain what happened. Gah! I think it's too much info. But yeah. Once again, people passed by and said little comments. I thought it was funny. I keep saying it, but it doesn't really describe much, but it is weird. Gah, I don't know... I guess I'll just leave it at that...oh wait...last night he was like, you have a soft tongue. I was so weirded out by that. It's like, so other tongues have been rough? Friends with benefits. That's so wrong.

later,
jen

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:: 2004 1 April :: 6.32 am

April 14, 2003 I had my very first kiss. About a year later, I experience my very first make out session. Yep. It all happened yesterday. Wait, before I tell you what happened and with who, I'll tell you why it happened. So, I'm online talking to Scott and we're just talking for like 4 hours straight about different things. He's telling me what he's done with girls and then he asked me what I've done with a guy and I told him nothing. "Virgin in every aspect." So he's like you've never made out with a guy? And I said I never have. I told him if I had the opportunity I would and that I'm not the kind of girl who would go to a party and make out with some random guy. He asked if I would kiss him and I said sure. So that's how that began. So, yesterday morning Scott and I looked for a spot to "do the deed" (There are so many people making out) So we finally found a spot and I'm so nervous. It's my first time. I had no idea what I was doing. I think I kept biting him or something and I'm like, "I'm doing this so wrong, I just know it." I even told him and he's just like relax. I don't know. But I hear that all first kisses are bad...it's not that it was terrible, it was just...I don't know. I couldn't really judge though. It didn't last too long because we didn't have much time because after that the bell rang. So that was that. Then, today...well, it went a lot better. Lasted longer. It's kind of funny though. He's so much taller. He's what? Six feet compared to my four feet eleven inches. So, I'm on the higher step and we're just there and whatever. Oh and then some kid walks passed by and says, "okay, that's enough" I was like OMG! So yeah. All during first period I could smell his cologne on my shirt. I was like...I didn't realize that we were that close. I'm contemplating whether or not I want to go to the movies this weekend with him. I don't want to go alone, so I'm hoping Christina will come and join me. It's weird though. Amanda asked me who he was the first time he came by. She asked me if he was boyfriend and I was like, no. It's weird to say that we're friends with benefits, but that's what we are. I feel so ashamed to say that though. It's like, "hmm, I feel like making out. I need a booty call" or something like that. Not even that though. It's hard to explain, but whatever. By the way, he loves Diana as a friend. I don't know. They confuse me. It's like everyone wants to know who he is, but I don't want to go around telling everybody what I do, you know? I like privacy every once in a while. When I feel like telling people, I'll tell. I think has to do with trust or something. Gah! I don't know...hmm, well...I guess I'll write more later. That's today's lesson, kids.

later,
jen

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:: 2004 29 March :: 12.00 am

I am far beyond disgusted. I can't believe it. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard Scott got *coughs* and it all took
place at some church retreat thingy. Uh, hello, you're their for a religious purpose, not to have a sexual experience! So,
if Scott is 15 now and that took place in the summer...wtf? He was just a baby. 14!! That's crazy. And he calls himself
"straight edge." What's his definition of straight edge? That's just totally nuts. Um, no pun. Whatever. That's just wrong.
Shame on Scott and the girl who favored him. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2004 28 March :: 12.00 am

Okay, I think I'm definitely over Scott. I talked to him last night and it was a good thing I did. I found out that him and
Diana are "best friends with benefits" whatever that's supposed to mean. So I said, "I've been looking for a guy like
that." and he said, "Well, if you're ever feeling lonely, let me know a day in advance." What the hell? okay, then he said
that Diana said she loved him and I said don't say it if you don't mean it. He said it. Okay, rule number one in the
friends with benefits rule book: Never get emotionally attached. It's like if you do, then you're set for at least a years
worth of heartbreak. I personally think that they are more than just friends with benefits even though she lives miles away,
she could still considered your girlfriend. I read Eric's journal and he has a point. How can someone start saying "I love
you" when you're so young that you don't even know what love is. We're just learning how to drive. That's so true. Some
people just need to be slapped, but whatever. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2004 26 March :: 12.00 am

I'm so confused right now. I can't even fathom. I don't want to tell anyone who I'm crushing on because I'm afraid it will get around to him and things would be weird. Well,
today was just unexplainable. Christina told me she talked to Scott and that they were
talking about me. She printed out the conversation and I don't know if the feeling is mutual or what. He said something about liking girls like me, but he said that he thinks I'm not into him. (if he only knew!) I think he said he liked girls who were short, emo, glasses, and something else (dark hair). What?! Christina said that I'm into Kyle! Gah! He probably thinks that I actually talk to Kyle and hang out with him or something. He said I gave good hugs...I thought that was sweet. Christina told him I was a good girl (before I read the conversation) and I said,
hey I'm a horny good girl and she said, if she would have said that he would like me more. I don't know if that's some God-awful prank or what. All I was thinking was...he has a girlfriend, right? He sounds so devoted to her and I'm just feeling like some kind of
home wrecker. I'm not even doing anything though. I thought the handshakes, heys, and hugs were just greetings and salutations. I didn't mean to lead him on. He doesn't even know me. And I don't even know him. It's really difficult to understand. If I only knew how to express my feelings towards this. I'm feeling mixed emotions. Fortunately, I didn't see him today
because I don't know how I would have acted or what I would have said to him. But then again, I wanted to see him just to see if he would say anything. It's like he spilled his heart out to Christina about me. I won't see him until Monday, but I don't see him that much unless it's out of the blue. I don't have the internet right now, so I can't talk to him this weekend. Well, if he doesn't tell me how he feels about me to my face then what am I to do? He hasn't been dropping any hints (that I know of) I'm not just going to assume. So the safest thing to do is act normally and
pretend like I never read the conversation. I'll just continue to say hey to him and let life go on. Oh yeah, and linking to that whole "good girl" thing, Christina went ahead and told him that I've had one kiss my entire life. I didn't mind that she told him though, but after she said that he said he would make out with me if he had the chance. Dude, what's stopping him?! He said I was sweet/adorable (one of the two) and kissable. Hmm, I've never heard that before. I wouldn't mind if Scott kissed me. I don't know how he'd kiss me though. Maybe at first he'd give me a gentle peck, and if we got passed that then he could "make out with me." He seems like an affectionate kind of guy. the only problem is I don't know where and when this would take place. Quite possible at
school, but I already said I don't see him. I could go to his band practices, like I'm supposed to
tomorrow. Yesterday he said he'd give me his number to call and let me know how to get to Eric's house. Oh yeah, and that's how I was brought into the conversation supposedly. Um, Scott asked Christina if she wanted to see his band practice and she said sure and he said to invite me and she said, "Well, if Jen doesn't go, can I still come?" Christina said that he had been talking about me all night or something like that. I think the conversation between them would have been a lot different if Christine knew I was crushing on Scott. I
don't' know if it would have been different good or different bad. I told Kayla before Christina. Well, she guess before her. I asked Kayla if it was wrong to like a guy who has a girlfriend and she's like, "you like Scott?" and I'm like, good guess! I asked Christina the same question and she said. no. Then she guess Randy, Dori's boyfriend. Negatory! I don't want anything to be different. I mean yes, if what
I've read is true, we feel the same way, but I don't want to take that chance of getting together with him and then someone gets hurt. Things would be so awkward and I'm not trying to make excuses to not "be with him" I'm just trying to factor out the negatives. Oh God, this is so freaking first grade! I need to handle this maturely. I should just leave it alone and see what happens (for the millionth time) it's like I have the solutions, I just don't know which one will turn out for the best. I'm so sheltered, I'm not even supposed to be having concerns
about boys. What if Scott wants to hang out or call me on the phone? I'm not allowed to!! Eventually that would get tiring and we'd probably just give up. I don't even know why he really likes me. I mean yeah he already said something along those lines, but I don't want to be some girl who fits his prototype. Basically, it's a physical attraction. I don't know if we've spoken enough times for him to know enough about me. So, why do I like him? Well, he's a nice guy, easy on the eyes, easy to talk
to. I don't know. I honestly don't know why I like him. I haven't had enough conversations with him to know what he likes and what he doesn't like. I only know so much about him. But maybe that's what
relationships are for, so you can get to know that person. I don't know. I'm new at this. I'm no clairvoyant, but if you ask me what's going to happen, I'd say absolutely nothing. He most likely still has a girlfriend (the one miles away) and he talks
about her nonstop. He seems so committed to her and I'm the last person any guy would like. Wow. I think I just made up my mind. There's no use in thinking what might happen because what
I want, won't happen. Yay. I'm no longer confused. I'm going to put this all behind me and get over it. Walk it off. I should have more important things on my mind. Well, I'll probably write more on Monday and if not then, then much later. Until then, you'll just have to wait to see what happens. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!


It’s a fear that can’t really be explained,
But I’ll go ahead and try.
I’ll admire you from a distance
And just sit there and stare like a fly on the wall.
Because I’m only a shadow.

Watching you care for yourself and others too,
As you treat me like a disease.
Daydreaming of you;
Knowing that life is a vale of tears being with you.
So I’ll continue to stare,
But eventually I will disappear like dust in the wind
And become someone else’s shadow.

later,
jen

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:: 2004 11 March :: 12.00 am

I think I'm finally over Kyle. I don't know how or why I'm over him. I think it's because I've lost interest in the kid. I've tried to look past what people have been saying. It's not like he tries too hard to get people to not like him. I don't know; his attitude in general. Not that
I've seen it or dealt with...it's hard to explain. So, I figure that I'm going to let him go. I've done all I could to try to talk to him and it's all tuned out wrong. So, I want to drop the mess and forget about him and
move on. I was thinking that I wanted to take a break from crushing on guys. Unfortunately I'm crushing hard on this next one. and it sucks. I pulled Victoria to the side at lunch today and asked her if it was bad to like a guy who already has a girlfriend. I think that's the reason why it's bad to be crushing on him, because he has a girlfriend. I think that's the reason why it's bad to be crushing on him, because he has a
girlfriend and she lives miles away. He REALLY likes her though. I think he sees me as a friend...a person he has really gotten to know and that we can talk to each other on the internet. I don't want to say that I have feelings for him because then the friendship that we have would be totally ruined. Like royally screwed! I don't know why I like him...we usually don't have much to talk about, but we have
some things in common. Gah! I need to get over him before I fall hard for him. He's just so easy to talk to and every time I see him, he always has a smile on his face and...I don't know. I need to stop. He's hooked and he's happy and I don't want to ruin things between us. Besides, I think it's cool to have a freshman friend. Anyway, I saw Adam
today. He was all dressed up for some reason. Black dickies, red collared shirt, and a black tie. I don't know why he changed...well not changed...Ana said that he has been dressing like that a lot lately. He
took his Alkaline Trio patch off. I don't know why. Now he just has a plain book
bag. Hmm, I don't really like him...I just can't keep my eyes off of the guy. Anyway, I have other crap to deal with later today because the shiot has hit the fan. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2004 21 February :: 12.00 am

It's been a couple of months, but I've returned. I left off saying that I would never have anything to say to Kyle and having my eye on a boy named Adam. Well, Adam is out of the picture, although I did see him on Friday and I couldn't stop myself from staring...anyway, so enough about Adam. Back to Kyle. So, not too long ago I realized that Kyle's book is in the same classroom as my 4th period. I decide to put a note in there and it is full of dirty pick up lines. Then I start putting Valentine cards in there, and not until then does he notice that there are things in his book. He wants to know who it is that is putting stuff in his book. Eventually, he finds out that it's me. So right now we are just writing back to each other on one of his papers and it's getting full. I don't know how he finds out about all of this stuff. I guess he knows the right people to ask. THIS SUCKS! Oh yeah, and I had balls for a day,...earlier this year. I was in the all just talking/listening and Kyle walks by and I said, "hey" and I waved and he said "hey" back. But after that, I was pretty much silent. I've got it bad for
Kyle. I've been chasing him around for almost a year now. Oh, and get this. I'm leaving from my 4th period class, looking for my bus. I dodge away
so he won't see me...my bus ends up not being there, so I'm walking back towards the school and I see Scott. Um, Scott's a freshman that I met through Christina (he was in her PE class) and he is friends with Christina's sister, Katie. So yeah. Anyway, I see him by the buses and ---wait--- before that --- wait, never mind...back to where I was. So, I see him and all I plan to say is, "hey" and he's like "hey" and I think he was trying to give me a hug and I'm like, huh? I thought he was going to
hand slap or something too...I don't know; it was weird. He's a nice kid and hopefully I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. He has a girlfriend and it
should like he really likes her. I really need to talk to Christina. I think she knows him better and whatever, so hopefully she can tell me that he's like that with everybody. So yeah. That's my drama these days. I don't know what to do about the whole situation with
Kyle. So, I'll write more when I have the time. That's today's lesson, kids.

later,
jen

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:: 2003 23 December :: 12.00 am

It's been a very long time. I've been a little busy lately. Not much has been going on in the love department. Actually, I have some very surprising news. Kyle knows or rather --- has been knowing that I've been grabbing his butt. Crazy, I know. How he found out? I have no idea. That remains a mystery. But wait, you're probably thinking...how does she know...did she actually start talking to Kyle? *looks down pants* Nope, no balls...yet. I still don't
have the guts to talk to him. I'd be at a loss for words. The summer break ruined everything for me. My chances of really getting to know him went down the drain. And what
really sucks is that I didn't find out about it until the last day of school. Right before winter break. It all happened in 4th period, I though
Greg had found out about my crush on Kyle, but I wasn't sure until he...Gah I don't know. But yeah, supposedly he had said to Greg, "Why does Jennifer keep grabbing my butt?" and I was like...whatever, I didn't believe it because I thought Kyle had forgotten about me. I don't know. I'm so
embarrassed...just the thought of it. Me, grabbing, then dodging away like he could never find out who grabbed him. It is kind of freaky though. Grabbing and not saying anything. Wait--what am I talking about. Grabbing is freaky. I don't know why I can't just go up to him and say "hey Kyle!" But there's never an opportunity...OMG! He's known for so long. I haven't
grabbed his butt since early September and I would see him every now and then and he knew ALL ALONG! Stupid me. And he made nothing of it! I can never show my face again. Ugh, I feel like crap. I only I could say something to him...I hate to move on, but I have to. Now you know me, I always have my eye on someone. Well, when I'm not thinking of Kyle, I'm daydreaming about Adam. Who the hell is Adam? Well, once again, a guy I've never even spoken to. My eyes gazed into his earlier this year. He looked so familiar, then I realized, hey he rides my bus, well, not anymore. We don't ride the bus anymore...but yeah, he's blonde, but he seems like the mysterious type and I think to myself, I can watch him all day. *sigh*. But, that's it. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2003 6 September :: 12.00 am

First and foremost, it's been a while. Practically 4 months. So, you're probably wondering what's going on. Well, I'll make it short. My summer was super boring and school started on August 07. I'm still boy-frickin'-crazy. I've seen Eric a couple of times, but I haven't said anything to him. Tim has the same lunch as I do on B days, there's an
occasional hello somewhere in there. And as for Kyle...well, I don't think he remembers me, I've seen him maybe two times. For a brief second in early August, then I sat next to him at some Ring assembly, but he didn't even look up to see me...ouch. But I did talk to him. I wanted to say, "hey, weren't you in my English class last year?" but I didn't. I asked him what period he had APUSH and I found out his birthday is in February. So that's how that went. I found out that he works at Arby's by the mall, so I went with Christina after school to see him, but he wasn't there. I wasted $1.27. :( Oh and lucky Christina has a class with
Kyle. Well, enough about Kyle for now...I'm crushing on a youngin'...well technically we're the same age, but he's in the
10th grade. His name is Brian. He's really nice and super funny, but unfortunately he's taken. Then some little Asian girl began to pat his head as if he were some kind of dog. But, I think he sees me as some kind of computer geek. Thanks to Mr. Campbell, but whatever. The closest I'll ever get to him is basically helping him with any computer work we have. *sigh* So, there's nothing serious going on...I haven't really let anything come between me and my school work, so I guess that's good. I'm thinking about having boys erased from the picture. They are too much trouble and I'll just deal with them when I go to college. I don't feel like being emotionally attached and tied down, it can get pretty boring and not to mention crazy, so I'll just look, but
I won't go any further and think, hmm, what would happen if...I can't handle that kind of juice right now, so yeah. Well, that's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2003 20 May :: 12.00 am

*sigh* Kyle's a funny one. "Caesar's a winner!" Classic! There was "friendly" Kyle action going on. By "friendly" I mean next door neighbor friendly like let me borrow some sugar...NOT THAT KIND OF SUGAR. Bad metaphor. My point is that we never go to the deep stuff. it was nothing flirtatious. Damn. That sucks too. There's only 3 days left. And they're half days. So, English is
going to be really short, so there goes my chance. He'll forget about me over the summer and I had a feeling
that we were connecting. Like a hey in the hall...if I had the balls to.

later,
jen

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:: 2003 19 May :: 12.00 am

How should I go about hurting the 2 foot bastard named Josh? I can't believe he said that to Kyle. "I bet Jennifer would dare you to kiss her!" Holy cow. That kid is crazy. That thought never even crossed my mind! He's gone a little crazy in the coconut with this Kyle thing, but whatever. I'll let him have his fun since it's the last day of school.

later,
jen

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:: 2003 17 May :: 12.00 am

There comes a time in a girl's life where she just wants to let the whole world know that she's had enough. I'd just like to clarify, once and for all, that
I have no lovey-dovey feelings for Tim. It's just a straight-up friendship. THAT'S ALL! So when
people go around tell me, "I saw Tim with his girlfriend. She's so ugly. They were hugging and she's so tall and butch or whatever." It's like blah blah blah to me. I don't care! I could care less
about Tim and his new found relationship. Then it annoys me when they say, "Oh, I'm
sorry. I shouldn't have said that! Do you still like him? The two of you looked so cute together..." SHUT UP! AND CUT IT!! I've honestly had enough. It's like, enough is enough! And I don't really appreciate how they call this chick names and whatever. Pretty harsh if you ask me. But whatever. Only 5 more days of school left. Sad. :( I'll have to go through an entire summer without any bum grabbing action. Just
kidding. I'm going to live these last 5 days to the fullest! even though I said I want Kyle as a friend, I'm going to let him know that. I don't know how and most likely he'll take me for a fool. But a friendly fool indeed! Heh heh. I don't know...just crazy talk! That's it for now. Later!

later,
jen

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:: 2003 15 May :: 12.00 am

Today was an okay day. In 2nd period, Dori and I talked to Kyle. Well, it all started when Jessica came into our class and he asked if that was a girl. So, Dori started telling about what happens during flag football (there are lesbians and whatever) and Kyle was getting all into it. His jaw was just hanging down and his boner was up. At some point, I told him to close his mouth. Afterwards, we came about talking about cars. That horny bastard has a Lexus. But I think that's cool how he says he's poor or whatever. he's not the kind of person who says, "My parents are going
to get me such and such car" and it's like some super expensive top of the line model car. Heck, I'm just getting a hand me down, you know? But yeah. Then we were talking
about movies that are out and he said he wanted to see Lizzie McGuire and What A Girl Wants (because Amanda Bynes is hot)...and he doesn't want anyone to know that he wants to see those movies. He's been wanting to see X-Men 2 and the Matrix, but once again, he's too poor. Heh heh. That hoity-toity bastard. When it was time to go, he ask me what was on the CD I burned and I said, oh it only has 4 songs on it and I was getting ready to name them and Josh
was like Rufio. And asked me if I liked Rufio and I was like yeah and in my head I was thinking, why would I wear a band shirt if I
didn't like them? But yeah. So, that was my day with Kyle. *sigh*. Too bad, for some odd reason I want to be just friends with him. Maybe it's his perverted-ness that's a turn off or the fact that he likes to "yeah" during class. Or maybe he seems like a way too cool of a guy and just saying the occasional hey would be fine. Hmm, oh well.

later,
jen

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