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:: 2003 13 May :: 12.00 am

Harumph! So, it looks like I'm a one man woman. No more sad love triangles (now). I'm all
focus on Kyle and there's no other boy catching my attention. But I must admit. Kyle is a weird one. If we ever did one of those superlative things, I'd voted him most likely to become a gynecologist. Okay, I have to go!

later,
jen

:: 2003 10 May :: 12.00 am

I want to set the record straight. I don't like Tim anymore. Our little conversation that we had really helped. And if Tim breaks up with his girlfriend and wants to see what would happen between us...he won't be able to know. I'm completely over him, I have no feelings for him that run over the lines of being friends. Yesterday he actually hung out with us at lunch. Kayla claims he wants to spark up something with someone. And I'm like really? Who? I was nice and I said hey and made quiet conversation, but other than that I was busy writing in yearbooks and trying to figure out whether it was John I was talking to last night. I found out (I think) that it's Jeff's little brother. But I don't know. Hmm, what else? Oh, eric. I've come to the conclusion that I put way too much effort to get to see him that it leads to being a stalker, so I'm going to
quit wasting my time and move on...it would have been a lot easier if we were in the
same classes together, but we're obviously not...now Kyle, he's my lover in disguise. I have a few days left and then this year...and Kyle are bye bye. So I need to act now with him. He seems like a cool guy to hang out with. I just can't figure out a way to talk to him and have a relationship where we say hey to each other in the hallway. That would be super groovy. I'm so bad when it comes to things like this. My hellos are bum grabbing...I don't know any other means. So, on Monday, I need to talk to Kyle before he gets away and I lose him forever! Maybe when he's listening to his CD player, I can be like, "hey what are you listening to?" I'm just really...gah! I
don't know. I need someone who knows him to be like "hey, you need to meet my friend Jen." No, that's sad. For the both of us. I have no idea if we even have anything in common. He likes AFI...hopefully he's not one of those guys who just bought the shirt
to look cool. He's super dreamy...wait scratch that out. He's super sexy...no...adorkable. He rocks my socks. "Hey, I just want you to know...you rock my socks." And he'll look at me like I'm crazy! I wish I had a yearbook so he could sign it. Maybe I can say, "Will you sign my yearbook?" (and it'll be Matt's)...it's not mine, but sign it anyway." Just to see what he'd write. Um, I don't know you, but you wanted me to sign your yearbook, so I'll sign the typical phrase 'does it tickle when I sign your crack?' Have a nice summer -Kyle. Pretty pathetic!! Christina, I know you're reading this...I think you have a better opportunity with Kyle. He's friends with Josh and you can talk to Josh and be like 'such and such' and turn to Kyle and say, 'you have been there' Plus, he has Pryor 4th period, so you can say 'does anyone have Pryor?' And he'll say yes and you guys could go on from there and since we saw him that one time outside of Pryor's class you can walk out and say hey or something. Sounds like a plan, eh? Yep. It's all situated. This stuff is tough. I'll have to improvise and wing it. That's always the
easiest path. Hmm, maybe something good will come out of it. You only live once, so I might as well just
do something crazy and outrageous. Things just might work out in the end. Well, that's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

:: 2003 7 May :: 12.00 am

So, everything is situated...I guess. I still have some unanswered questions and I couldn't think of them when I was talking to him. I got Matt to pull him aside for me and we talked. So I asked him what happened between us. And
he's like what do you mean? I told him one minute we're talking and the next we're history. He was very confused. He
thought I blew him off and that I wasn't interested. I told him that the day after we kissed he blew me off and didn't
talk to me. He told me that he had no idea. He said that I should have told him and written a note. But I knew he didn't like notes and
I couldn't tell him during English because 1)he comes to class late 2)there's never anytime 3)I thought he was mad at me. I always tried to look for him during lunch, but he was always busy with the play or something. so, I guess we separated because of bad communication. I let him know that I called the day of the
play, but he had already left. So, it's also bad timing. I didn't really let him know how
I felt/feel. I didn't want to make him feel bad. He asked me if I wanted him to break up with his girlfriend. And I'm like No! I never said that. I just want him to be happy and if he's happy with her, he should stay with her. All I wanted was some sort of information so it wouldn't bother me for the rest of my life. I guess I'm okay now, I still want to ask him like how could he move on so fast? He's probably one of those guys who needs a girlfriend at all times. I don't know. I'm still confused, but I'm glad that the wall of angst has finally been knocked down. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

:: 2003 6 May :: 12.00 am

If there's anything I hate doing, it's crying at school. Yes, I cried at school today. During lunch. I know where to be at the wrong time. I was going to get my Spanish books and then I see Tim and his girlfriend (or whatever she is) holding hands. It wouldn't have bothered me, but it did because now I can never talk to him. So, I tried to hold it back, but I could so I just let my tears pour. Dumb reasons to cry, but I did. I guess Christina is right, I need closure. I want to know why it all ended and it suck because I know I'm going to see more of him and the thought of not knowing what happened between us kills me. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to go to the courtyard and hopefully find him (without his girlfriend) and ask him if it's okay if we talked. In the back of my mind,
I'm thinking, "He wants absolutely nothing to do with me. He's happy with whoever he's with just as long as it's not me" Ugh! I don't know if I want to be with him or not. I if I do want to be with him, it's going to suck because
I know I'll probably focus my attention on Eric and Kyle or some other guy. I'd be a rotten girlfriend! If things don't turn out right for me, then I have one thing to say to say to Tim. "Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love."

later,
jen

:: 2003 5 May :: 12.00 am

I tried to find some way to talk to him, but I would never see him. I am so depressed about all of this because I've lost him forever, I just know it. He's out of my reach. Maybe I want him back because he was my first and just knowing that it had to end when things were getting started. It pisses me off!

later,
jen

:: 2003 3 May :: 12.00 am

What's happening to me?! I had to sing at the chorus concert this past Tuesday and you wouldn't believe who was there...Tim. And he was there with some girl. I told my sister that he moves fast. Kayla said that they were all over each other. It didn't bother me at all, but just the fact that he got over me so quickly.
It's been 2 weeks or so since we kissed and he has a girlfriend or whatever she is. This past week, I don't know...I haven't missed him...I can't explain it. I didn't speak at all to Eric, so I guess I didn't focus my attention on anyone. Ugh! I'm having mixed emotions
about Tim. On one hand I hate him for what he did to me. To kiss me and totally blow me off and just use me. But on the
other hand I shouldn't hold that grudge against him such a stupid thing. I'm a sucker for his sweet talk and now he's out of my reach. I have no idea how he still feels. Does he hate me? Did I do something wrong? Was it my fault? I'll never know the answer to these questions because I never see him or get the chance to talk to him. He's off doing other things and there's never any time. I doubt he cares anymore. He probably thinks I hurt him. I'll admit that he would give the world to me and he thinks I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to him. He's a great guy and he's better off with the girl he's with. I hope he's happy, but I would like to talk
things out with him, just to get things straightened out and have my questions answered with a better response than "I don't know." I don't know what made me change my feelings. I don't even know what made me think about it. My love life sucks. I guess I should stop with my what
ifs and what would haves because it's done and over with. Only by some miracle could something good happen. Maybe I'm just a putting myself at risk of getting hurt again. Actually, I really wasn't hurt; just surprised that a nice guy who fed me with his charm totally ignored me like he won or something...Hmm, well, I guess
I'll just have to see what happens. That's today's less, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

:: 2003 2 May :: 12.00 am

So, today is my last day of giving Eric his space. I've been gone an entire week not saying a word to him or even grabbing his bum. Actually, I haven't grabbed anyone's bum lately...not even Kyle's, but that's because he walk too fast. I think I'm losing my confidence. I think I just might go the entire year not talking to Eric. I miss grabbing his bum. I think that's all we ever had, sad to say. I would have liked to have known Eric a lot better, but oh well. I don't know how things will work with him. I'm just obsessed with him and I think he knows
that. That's why I'm giving him space. He needs time to heal. (from all that butt grabbing), but yeah. Anyway, I was supposed to go to that stupid Charlie Brown play, but there was a change in plans. So, I'll have to go tonight. I heard it
wasn't all that great, but then some were raving about it. Hmm, I guess I'll have to be my own critic. Um, 15 days of
school left. In a way I'm happy, yet sad. Happy because I'll get a break from all of this school work and I'll get to sleep in. But sad because more than likely I won't see my friends as much and I'll probably have to wake up early to do house work or something like that. Hopefully, this summer, I won't be encaged in my room and I can get some fresh air. Hmm, who knows. Hmm, not much to say just killing time. *burp* I
caught a lizard and his name is Filly. He pooped in his bottle and on his food. I was
going to let him fly free, but not only out in the wild, but on someone. He's a biter, so I hope he does some justice. 10 more minutes till class is over. I'm off to go eat. Enjoy!

later,
jen

:: 2003 22 April :: 12.00 am

Oh, the fun I had yesterday. I'm still looking for the other pictures, but maybe I won't burn those. I burned all of my memories of Tim. It felt good. Later!

Fear of Flying

"fantasy of the zipless fuck"

The zipless fuck was more than a fuck. It was a platonic ideal. Zipless because when you came together zippers fell away like rose petals, underwear blew off in one breath like dandelion fluff. Tongues
intertwined and turned liquid. Your who should flowed out through your tongue and into the mouth of your lover."

later,
jen

:: 2003 16 April :: 12.00 am

Tim really knows how to piss a girl off. And to think that I went up to G hall this morning because I saw him up there and I thought...oh I'll talk to him and yadda, yadda, yadda. I would have loved to have seen and talked to Eric. I get a lot more out of him. I guess this is Tim's way of giving me "a taste of my own medicine" and it's bitter. So, where was I? Oh yes, so I say 'hey' and he totally blew me off. What the fuck? Then in lunch nothing happened and it's all his fault!! There I was waiting so we could talk, but he avoids me. I tried, but he wasn't having it. Bastard. Maybe
he's mad that I haven't been calling him, but it's not my fault. I can't help it if he gets home after 5 and I'm in the library doing school work. I hope he's already made his decision and he doesn't ask me out because this is childish and a complete waste of my time. I'm going to continue to grab Eric and Kyle's bum and hell, I'll do it right in front of
Tim just to piss him off. This may sound extremely harsh, but it has to be done. Ugh! I'm so mad. He robbed me of my innocence. I knew I should have told him the truth. I didn't like him anymore and that
I liked Eric. But I decided to give it a second chance, but to hell with second chances. I hope he forgets about me because I am completely over him. I'm done. I don't care what anyone
else says. I should have known it from the start. No, wait, I did. But, no, I had to put it all behind me just to make people happy when in reality, I wasn't happy. and I'll never be if I keep on like this. I'm moving on. there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I have Eric and I have
Kyle. I don't need Tim. He can rot in hell for what he did to me. How dare he? Grrness. I learned my lesson today, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

:: 2003 15 April :: 12.00 am

Tax day. It's another day. I wonder what adventures I'll go through today. I don't think I'm going to G hall this morning.
I'm sure Tim will be there, but I have unfinished business to attend to . Ugh! I'm digging myself into a bigger hole, but
I'll feel better after I do it. I hope.

Trouble in paradise. It's not that I didn't want to talk to Tim, but I can't remember
where we left off from yesterday.
I mean I'm kind of happy that nothing happened like we just needed our space. I think we moved too quickly. I
cried like a
baby last night...I wonder how I'm going to react when I lose my virginity. Yes, I'm a virgin! I have morals.
Just kidding...I mean I do, but you already knew that. Heh heh. But yeah. I wanted to call him yesterday, but I couldn't
because I went to the library and I didn't come back until 8. I'll try to call him tonight just to let him know that
things are kosher. Grr...his hair actually looked good today. WTF? Nevermind. It's all of my fault. I'm not good with relationships I think I'm over Eric though. I finished my unfinished business. I grab his tight arse and said, "you've been working out!" and he said, "hey." It's strange though. I asked him why he called me psycho. And he said he never did. I told him that one of his friends called me psycho then, but he said that there was only one person he showed the note to, so he asked the guy why he called me psycho and he defended me. I thought that was super-duper sweet of him...but you would think that would make me like him, but it doesn't. Okay, I need to make a promise now...and I WILL keep it! I will like Tim and only Tim. I will no longer avoid him and I will try to spend as much time as I can with him...well, not too much time, but time. He means well and something tells me that he would give the world to me and I barely give him the time of day. So that's what I'm going to do from now on...I wanna thank him though. He's given me this sudden boost of confidence. I mean I would never go around grabbing/squeezing...actually more of a grab...but yeah, I would never grab
someone's tushy...especially a crush. Actually there was that one time with John, but the doesn't count. But yeah. I've already grabbed Eric twice and today I grabbed Kyle's bum. That is so not like me..actually, it is, but to do it without thinking? I mean I thought about doing it, but to not say "No, I won't do it, okay, I will...wait, no..." But I just went in for the kill. What the flip flop is wrong with me? Oh well, no one's complaining. Holy shit! What's Kyle going to say when we're back in English? "Hey, why'd you grab my butt/Did you grab my butt?" me: "Why, did you like it?. I grabbed you?" So, if he asks I'll get up and be like, "No, if I grabbed your butt it would be like this *grab*, is that how the grab felt that you're talking about?"...nah...I could never do that...especially with Tim in the room. I'm trying to get him to ask me out, right? *sigh* I should have done all of that a long time ago. What a load of crap!! I feel like doing something crazy-stupid...kind of like what happened in English. I was a little wired. Couldn't stop laughing for some reason. Ouch my stomach hurts. Oh well...I forgot why I was laughing. Heh heh. Oh well, oh yeah, the reason why I cried like a little baby was because I would never have thought of doing that. Why didn't I say no. I'm not the kind of person who can say no. But I guess it would have been weird if I said no at that moment. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You just don't around kissing boys. Especially at school...outside of classrooms, during lunch, totawy awone!! I'm going to end up cheating on my husband. I'll
marry Tim and cheat on him with Eric. The drama!!

later,
jen

:: 2003 14 April :: 12.00 am

I come to school ready to begin my day wanting to know Tim. but he never shoed up. I don't blame him. I really
wish he would have. I would have given my full attention and I didn't even think of Eric! I want to know if he's
mad at me. I a way, I hope that he is so that I could tell the honest truth. Then he's hate me forever. So, I'm
waiting for 2nd period to roll around so I can figure out what the deal is. Oh the drama. I'll continue my undying
love affair later.

Nothing really happened in 2nd period. Actually, nothing at all. So, I figured maybe something would
happened during lunch.
I went to the cafeteria, but he wasn't there. He was outside. I didn't know where we were and if he was mad at me. So,
we didn't talk until minutes later. He asked me if I wanted to walk, so we did. Just to be alone. So, we
walked and talked
for a while and he asked me what I wanted. Didn't know how to answer that question. "I want you." or "I want you to ask
me out." "I wanna be with you." They all sound too...I don't know...disturbing. I guess. Then the unexpected happened. We
were confused about us and we hugged each other for the longest time and then he asked if he could get a kiss and I had no
clue what I was doing, so I did it. So we went back and we felt closer than ever for some reason. I don't want to say that
that was the missing puzzle piece or anything like that, but it was a defining moment...we needed that alone time
and it just, I don't know, I can't explain it. But I think I know what my problem was before. I guess I
didn't want Tim
to be my first. Like first boyfriend or first anything. I don't think I saw him or rather wanted him to be. I wouldn't have
minded if he was my second or anything. It's like, if anyone asked, "Oh, who was your first kiss?"-- "Um, Tim." I'm not
trying to say that I'm embarrassed by him or whatever, but I think that I wanted to be with Eric for one everlasting moment,
and that's it. Then after that I could be happy with Tim. It all seems so right, but everything is all wrong. Something
isn't adding up. I have unfinished business. Whether it be telling Tim about my feelings towards Eric or telling my
good-byes to eric and how I felt about him. It's tragic. :( It's going to be impossible for us though. I had to put out
these doubts, but it's true. He can't call me and it's not like I can call him everyday, but it's the only way we can
be with each other...other than in school. I could probably do things on weekends with him, but not every weekend!
It's going to be hard, but I guess we'll try to work things out. I say that would be the
number one reason of a break-up is
that we never spent time with one another. But, I'm still waiting for him to ask. I shouldn't rush him into anything he
isn't ready for. I'll just have to be patient. and if it takes a month, I'll wait a month, if it takes longer, I'll wait
longer...it's worth the wait. I don't kiss and tell...

later,
jen

:: 2003 13 April :: 12.00 am

I've been doing some thinking. Is Tim really telling me the truth about how he feels? I mean it could all be
an act...he is going to be in a play. Nah. (I hope) Yes, I'm still wondering what I should do. Tomorrow's
another day and I guess I'll just let things go unplanned. I'll have to expect the unexpected. I guess I should
forget about what could have been or what could not have been with Eric. I don't think he can take a hint. I'll
stick with Tim and learn to like him and try to repair my feelings that I had for him in the beginning. It seems
like the right thing to do. So, I need to bury my feelings that I have for Eric and plant my new feelings for Tim
that will hopefully blossom. Ugh! How poetic. Maybe it will be poetry in motion, eh? Okay, enough of my sappy soap
opera love story. I guess I needed to take chances and make mistakes! Been there, done that...something I never to
want to go through again. Wow. A life learned lesson all in 2 days! That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

:: 2003 12 April :: 12.00 am

I'm in a rut! A big fat rut! I like Eric a lot, but I don't think he likes me. Then, there's Tim. I used to like
him and I know he likes me, but I just don't feel the same way anymore. I don't have strong feelings for Tim.
Tim's a great guy. He's so nice to me and he says the sweetest things. But Eric had to pop into the picture. I
don't know how or why I like him. I guess he's dorky in that cute way. He's tall and funny and super friendly.
But from what I hear his friends think I'm psycho because of a note that I didn't even write. Actually, I did, but
those weren't my words. It was meant as a joke and a hint to let him know that I like him. I gave it to him when I
thought things were over for me and Tim. I stopped talking to Tim because I wanted to see how things would go
between me and Eric. I tried to tell Time my true feelings and exactly why I wasn't talking to him. I couldn't
bring myself to tell him the truth after he poured his heart out to me. I was so stupid to leave Tim for Eric.
Tim didn't want to ask me out because he was afraid that he would break my heart when I think that I would be the one
to break his heart. I know how Tim feels about me, but I'm not sure what's going on with Eric. I make
efforts to see him, but I'm at a loss for words when I see him. So, on Friday I tried to make conversation and it went
rather well, but not how I wanted things to go. I wish that Tim's feels could be placed inside of Eric and
things would be perfect. Does this mean that I'm only attracted to Eric because of his looks? There's really nothing
wrong with Tim. Sure he's short, but I'm short too. And Eric's tall...really tall. I'd say he's a foot and a half
taller than I am. From what I see, Eric seems mellow and laid back, and Tim is a hyper cookie. He does crazy things and
isn't afraid to embarrass himself by anything he does or says. I don't know how to tell Tim that I need time to think
because I believe that he'll ask me sometime this week. I want to see what will happen between Eric and myself. Do we
have anything in common and what Eric thinks about me other than what came from that
little red not. Everyone thinks
that Tim is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And he's the closest boy I've ever gotten to. I like him
so much at some point, but I couldn't wait any longer and I felt that I had to move on, but
I had no idea that Tim
liked me that much. I would hear that he liked me and that he thought I was cute and really sweet, but
I thought that
was it. I didn't know that he had intentions to ask me out and that he felt so strong about me and cared about how I
felt. I feel that he's too good for me. I'd ask myself questions like if I was wasting my time with him and whether
he was worth having. My answers were no, but now those question don't matter anymore. what if I'm the one who hurts
him? I told him that we would work things out if anything happened, but this
dilemma that I'm in seems too heavy.
If I told Tim that I had feelings for Eric and told him the things I did to Eric (the note and a butt squeeze and how
I'd look for him in the morning), Tim would be so heartbroken and he would hate me forever. And if I were in his shoes,
I would hate me too. Now that I think about it, how would I like it if someone were doing the same to me. Okay,
for example...I really like Tim and he likes a girl and his excuse is that he wants to see how things will go with
the other girl. There are two probabilities...I could get really jealous and furious with him, or I could let him see
how he feels. And if he ends up liking the other girl, then there are plenty of other fish in the sea. It's not like
I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Tim. It's the facts of life with what I'm doing. All I'm doing is experimenting
and I'm trying to find out what I want. Do I want Eric or Tim? I don't think Tim should give me a second chance, but now
that I think about it, my friends are right. Tim is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So if I were to be with
him, I'd still know that in the back of my mind, I would want to be with Eric. I haven't really gotten any positive input
from my friends about Eric. Not that he's a bad guy or anything, they just think he's a
major dork because he wears
his pants so high. So, I guess a solution to my problem to make all of us happy is to take a chance with Tim. maybe he's
everything I've ever wanted and more and if I don't try I'll never now what I've missed out on. If things don't work out,
I know he'll make some girl happy. And my deep feelings for Eric will have to be put aside. Maybe we'll just be friends.
So, we'll see on monday how things will go. That's if Tim feels like talking to me. Oh yeah, that's one of mother problems.
I think Tim's mad at me. I don't believe that he was 'tired' for one second. It doesn't explain why he didn't talk to me at
lunch on friday. Not a word. But for whatever reason, I'm sure he has every right to be mad at me. I shouldn't have left
early in the morning to see Eric after Tim came up to see me. I should have acknowledged that he was up there, but I didn't.
And I should have been talking about Eric in English. I should have been talking to Tim and making conversations instead of
making impossible dreams of Eric in my head. I'm such a loser! I'm gong crazy and I'm getting depressed because of this deal.
I'm torn between them. If I saw more of Eric I know I'd get to know more about him and know him better and see if we have
anything in common, but the problem is that I don't. I only see Eric in the morning and occasionally in the afternoon
after school and before 4th period passing through the courtyard; I see him, but
I don't really talk to him. I've been
thinking that maybe I should just forget about both of them and let it go. Then that would be the least of my problems!

later,
jen

:: 2003 14 April :: 12.00 am

I come to school ready to begin my day wanting to know Tim. but he never shoed up. I don't blame him. I really
wish he would have. I would have given my full attention and I didn't even think of Eric! I want to know if he's
mad at me. I a way, I hope that he is so that I could tell the honest truth. Then he's hate me forever. So, I'm
waiting for 2nd period to roll around so I can figure out what the deal is. Oh the drama. I'll continue my undying
love affair later.

Nothing really happened in 2nd period. Actually, nothing at all. So, I figured maybe something would
happened during lunch.
I went to the cafeteria, but he wasn't there. He was outside. I didn't know where we were and if he was mad at me. So,
we didn't talk until minutes later. He asked me if I wanted to walk, so we did. Just to be alone. So, we
walked and talked
for a while and he asked me what I wanted. Didn't know how to answer that question. "I want you." or "I want you to ask
me out." "I wanna be with you." They all sound too...I don't know...disturbing. I guess. Then the unexpected happened. We
were confused about us and we hugged each other for the longest time and then he asked if he could get a kiss and I had no
clue what I was doing, so I did it. So we went back and we felt closer than ever for some reason. I don't want to say that
that was the missing puzzle piece or anything like that, but it was a defining moment...we needed that alone time
and it just, I don't know, I can't explain it. But I think I know what my problem was before. I guess I
didn't want Tim
to be my first. Like first boyfriend or first anything. I don't think I saw him or rather wanted him to be. I wouldn't have
minded if he was my second or anything. It's like, if anyone asked, "Oh, who was your first kiss?"-- "Um, Tim." I'm not
trying to say that I'm embarrassed by him or whatever, but I think that I wanted to be with Eric for one everlasting moment,
and that's it. Then after that I could be happy with Tim. It all seems so right, but everything is all wrong. Something
isn't adding up. I have unfinished business. Whether it be telling Tim about my feelings towards Eric or telling my
good-byes to eric and how I felt about him. It's tragic. :( It's going to be impossible for us though. I had to put out
these doubts, but it's true. He can't call me and it's not like I can call him everyday, but it's the only way we can
be with each other...other than in school. I could probably do things on weekends with him, but not every weekend!
It's going to be hard, but I guess we'll try to work things out. I say that would be the
number one reason of a break-up is
that we never spent time with one another. But, I'm still waiting for him to ask. I shouldn't rush him into anything he
isn't ready for. I'll just have to be patient. and if it takes a month, I'll wait a month, if it takes longer, I'll wait
longer...it's worth the wait. I don't kiss and tell...

later,
jen

:: 2003 14 April :: 12.00 am

I come to school ready to begin my day wanting to know Tim. but he never shoed up. I don't blame him. I really
wish he would have. I would have given my full attention and I didn't even think of Eric! I want to know if he's
mad at me. I a way, I hope that he is so that I could tell the honest truth. Then he's hate me forever. So, I'm
waiting for 2nd period to roll around so I can figure out what the deal is. Oh the drama. I'll continue my undying
love affair later.

Nothing really happened in 2nd period. Actually, nothing at all. So, I figured maybe something would
happened during lunch.
I went to the cafeteria, but he wasn't there. He was outside. I didn't know where we were and if he was mad at me. So,
we didn't talk until minutes later. He asked me if I wanted to walk, so we did. Just to be alone. So, we
walked and talked
for a while and he asked me what I wanted. Didn't know how to answer that question. "I want you." or "I want you to ask
me out." "I wanna be with you." They all sound too...I don't know...disturbing. I guess. Then the unexpected happened. We
were confused about us and we hugged each other for the longest time and then he asked if he could get a kiss and I had no
clue what I was doing, so I did it. So we went back and we felt closer than ever for some reason. I don't want to say that
that was the missing puzzle piece or anything like that, but it was a defining moment...we needed that alone time
and it just, I don't know, I can't explain it. But I think I know what my problem was before. I guess I
didn't want Tim
to be my first. Like first boyfriend or first anything. I don't think I saw him or rather wanted him to be. I wouldn't have
minded if he was my second or anything. It's like, if anyone asked, "Oh, who was your first kiss?"-- "Um, Tim." I'm not
trying to say that I'm embarrassed by him or whatever, but I think that I wanted to be with Eric for one everlasting moment,
and that's it. Then after that I could be happy with Tim. It all seems so right, but everything is all wrong. Something
isn't adding up. I have unfinished business. Whether it be telling Tim about my feelings towards Eric or telling my
good-byes to eric and how I felt about him. It's tragic. :( It's going to be impossible for us though. I had to put out
these doubts, but it's true. He can't call me and it's not like I can call him everyday, but it's the only way we can
be with each other...other than in school. I could probably do things on weekends with him, but not every weekend!
It's going to be hard, but I guess we'll try to work things out. I say that would be the
number one reason of a break-up is
that we never spent time with one another. But, I'm still waiting for him to ask. I shouldn't rush him into anything he
isn't ready for. I'll just have to be patient. and if it takes a month, I'll wait a month, if it takes longer, I'll wait
longer...it's worth the wait. I don't kiss and tell...

later,
jen

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