:: 2003 15 April :: 12.00 am

Tax day. It's another day. I wonder what adventures I'll go through today. I don't think I'm going to G hall this morning.
I'm sure Tim will be there, but I have unfinished business to attend to . Ugh! I'm digging myself into a bigger hole, but
I'll feel better after I do it. I hope.


Trouble in paradise. It's not that I didn't want to talk to Tim, but I can't remember
where we left off from yesterday.
I mean I'm kind of happy that nothing happened like we just needed our space. I think we moved too quickly. I
cried like a
baby last night...I wonder how I'm going to react when I lose my virginity. Yes, I'm a virgin! I have morals.
Just kidding...I mean I do, but you already knew that. Heh heh. But yeah. I wanted to call him yesterday, but I couldn't
because I went to the library and I didn't come back until 8. I'll try to call him tonight just to let him know that
things are kosher. Grr...his hair actually looked good today. WTF? Nevermind. It's all of my fault. I'm not good with relationships I think I'm over Eric though. I finished my unfinished business. I grab his tight arse and said, "you've been working out!" and he said, "hey." It's strange though. I asked him why he called me psycho. And he said he never did. I told him that one of his friends called me psycho then, but he said that there was only one person he showed the note to, so he asked the guy why he called me psycho and he defended me. I thought that was super-duper sweet of him...but you would think that would make me like him, but it doesn't. Okay, I need to make a promise now...and I WILL keep it! I will like Tim and only Tim. I will no longer avoid him and I will try to spend as much time as I can with him...well, not too much time, but time. He means well and something tells me that he would give the world to me and I barely give him the time of day. So that's what I'm going to do from now on...I wanna thank him though. He's given me this sudden boost of confidence. I mean I would never go around grabbing/squeezing...actually more of a grab...but yeah, I would never grab
someone's tushy...especially a crush. Actually there was that one time with John, but the doesn't count. But yeah. I've already grabbed Eric twice and today I grabbed Kyle's bum. That is so not like me..actually, it is, but to do it without thinking? I mean I thought about doing it, but to not say "No, I won't do it, okay, I will...wait, no..." But I just went in for the kill. What the flip flop is wrong with me? Oh well, no one's complaining. Holy shit! What's Kyle going to say when we're back in English? "Hey, why'd you grab my butt/Did you grab my butt?" me: "Why, did you like it?. I grabbed you?" So, if he asks I'll get up and be like, "No, if I grabbed your butt it would be like this *grab*, is that how the grab felt that you're talking about?"...nah...I could never do that...especially with Tim in the room. I'm trying to get him to ask me out, right? *sigh* I should have done all of that a long time ago. What a load of crap!! I feel like doing something crazy-stupid...kind of like what happened in English. I was a little wired. Couldn't stop laughing for some reason. Ouch my stomach hurts. Oh well...I forgot why I was laughing. Heh heh. Oh well, oh yeah, the reason why I cried like a little baby was because I would never have thought of doing that. Why didn't I say no. I'm not the kind of person who can say no. But I guess it would have been weird if I said no at that moment. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen. I can't believe I let it happen! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You just don't around kissing boys. Especially at school...outside of classrooms, during lunch, totawy awone!! I'm going to end up cheating on my husband. I'll
marry Tim and cheat on him with Eric. The drama!!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 16 April :: 12.00 am

Tim really knows how to piss a girl off. And to think that I went up to G hall this morning because I saw him up there and I thought...oh I'll talk to him and yadda, yadda, yadda. I would have loved to have seen and talked to Eric. I get a lot more out of him. I guess this is Tim's way of giving me "a taste of my own medicine" and it's bitter. So, where was I? Oh yes, so I say 'hey' and he totally blew me off. What the fuck? Then in lunch nothing happened and it's all his fault!! There I was waiting so we could talk, but he avoids me. I tried, but he wasn't having it. Bastard. Maybe
he's mad that I haven't been calling him, but it's not my fault. I can't help it if he gets home after 5 and I'm in the library doing school work. I hope he's already made his decision and he doesn't ask me out because this is childish and a complete waste of my time. I'm going to continue to grab Eric and Kyle's bum and hell, I'll do it right in front of
Tim just to piss him off. This may sound extremely harsh, but it has to be done. Ugh! I'm so mad. He robbed me of my innocence. I knew I should have told him the truth. I didn't like him anymore and that
I liked Eric. But I decided to give it a second chance, but to hell with second chances. I hope he forgets about me because I am completely over him. I'm done. I don't care what anyone
else says. I should have known it from the start. No, wait, I did. But, no, I had to put it all behind me just to make people happy when in reality, I wasn't happy. and I'll never be if I keep on like this. I'm moving on. there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I have Eric and I have
Kyle. I don't need Tim. He can rot in hell for what he did to me. How dare he? Grrness. I learned my lesson today, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 16 April :: 12.00 am

Tim really knows how to piss a girl off. And to think that I went up to G hall this morning because I saw him up there and I thought...oh I'll talk to him and yadda, yadda, yadda. I would have loved to have seen and talked to Eric. I get a lot more out of him. I guess this is Tim's way of giving me "a taste of my own medicine" and it's bitter. So, where was I? Oh yes, so I say 'hey' and he totally blew me off. What the fuck? Then in lunch nothing happened and it's all his fault!! There I was waiting so we could talk, but he avoids me. I tried, but he wasn't having it. Bastard. Maybe
he's mad that I haven't been calling him, but it's not my fault. I can't help it if he gets home after 5 and I'm in the library doing school work. I hope he's already made his decision and he doesn't ask me out because this is childish and a complete waste of my time. I'm going to continue to grab Eric and Kyle's bum and hell, I'll do it right in front of
Tim just to piss him off. This may sound extremely harsh, but it has to be done. Ugh! I'm so mad. He robbed me of my innocence. I knew I should have told him the truth. I didn't like him anymore and that
I liked Eric. But I decided to give it a second chance, but to hell with second chances. I hope he forgets about me because I am completely over him. I'm done. I don't care what anyone
else says. I should have known it from the start. No, wait, I did. But, no, I had to put it all behind me just to make people happy when in reality, I wasn't happy. and I'll never be if I keep on like this. I'm moving on. there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I have Eric and I have
Kyle. I don't need Tim. He can rot in hell for what he did to me. How dare he? Grrness. I learned my lesson today, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2003 22 May :: 12.00 am

Oh, the fun I had yesterday. I'm still looking for the other pictures, but maybe I won't burn those. I burned all of my memories of Tim. It felt good. Later!


Fear of Flying

"fantasy of the zipless fuck"

The zipless fuck was more than a fuck. It was a platonic ideal. Zipless because when you came together zippers fell away like rose petals, underwear blew off in one breath like dandelion fluff. Tongues
intertwined and turned liquid. Your who should flowed out through your tongue and into the mouth of your lover."

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 2 May :: 12.00 am

So, today is my last day of giving Eric his space. I've been gone an entire week not saying a word to him or even grabbing his bum. Actually, I haven't grabbed anyone's bum lately...not even Kyle's, but that's because he walk too fast. I think I'm losing my confidence. I think I just might go the entire year not talking to Eric. I miss grabbing his bum. I think that's all we ever had, sad to say. I would have liked to have known Eric a lot better, but oh well. I don't know how things will work with him. I'm just obsessed with him and I think he knows
that. That's why I'm giving him space. He needs time to heal. (from all that butt grabbing), but yeah. Anyway, I was supposed to go to that stupid Charlie Brown play, but there was a change in plans. So, I'll have to go tonight. I heard it
wasn't all that great, but then some were raving about it. Hmm, I guess I'll have to be my own critic. Um, 15 days of
school left. In a way I'm happy, yet sad. Happy because I'll get a break from all of this school work and I'll get to sleep in. But sad because more than likely I won't see my friends as much and I'll probably have to wake up early to do house work or something like that. Hopefully, this summer, I won't be encaged in my room and I can get some fresh air. Hmm, who knows. Hmm, not much to say just killing time. *burp* I
caught a lizard and his name is Filly. He pooped in his bottle and on his food. I was
going to let him fly free, but not only out in the wild, but on someone. He's a biter, so I hope he does some justice. 10 more minutes till class is over. I'm off to go eat. Enjoy!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 3 May :: 12.00 am

What's happening to me?! I had to sing at the chorus concert this past Tuesday and you wouldn't believe who was there...Tim. And he was there with some girl. I told my sister that he moves fast. Kayla said that they were all over each other. It didn't bother me at all, but just the fact that he got over me so quickly.
It's been 2 weeks or so since we kissed and he has a girlfriend or whatever she is. This past week, I don't know...I haven't missed him...I can't explain it. I didn't speak at all to Eric, so I guess I didn't focus my attention on anyone. Ugh! I'm having mixed emotions
about Tim. On one hand I hate him for what he did to me. To kiss me and totally blow me off and just use me. But on the
other hand I shouldn't hold that grudge against him such a stupid thing. I'm a sucker for his sweet talk and now he's out of my reach. I have no idea how he still feels. Does he hate me? Did I do something wrong? Was it my fault? I'll never know the answer to these questions because I never see him or get the chance to talk to him. He's off doing other things and there's never any time. I doubt he cares anymore. He probably thinks I hurt him. I'll admit that he would give the world to me and he thinks I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to him. He's a great guy and he's better off with the girl he's with. I hope he's happy, but I would like to talk
things out with him, just to get things straightened out and have my questions answered with a better response than "I don't know." I don't know what made me change my feelings. I don't even know what made me think about it. My love life sucks. I guess I should stop with my what
ifs and what would haves because it's done and over with. Only by some miracle could something good happen. Maybe I'm just a putting myself at risk of getting hurt again. Actually, I really wasn't hurt; just surprised that a nice guy who fed me with his charm totally ignored me like he won or something...Hmm, well, I guess
I'll just have to see what happens. That's today's less, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 5 May :: 12.00 am

I tried to find some way to talk to him, but I would never see him. I am so depressed about all of this because I've lost him forever, I just know it. He's out of my reach. Maybe I want him back because he was my first and just knowing that it had to end when things were getting started. It pisses me off!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 6 May :: 12.00 am

If there's anything I hate doing, it's crying at school. Yes, I cried at school today. During lunch. I know where to be at the wrong time. I was going to get my Spanish books and then I see Tim and his girlfriend (or whatever she is) holding hands. It wouldn't have bothered me, but it did because now I can never talk to him. So, I tried to hold it back, but I could so I just let my tears pour. Dumb reasons to cry, but I did. I guess Christina is right, I need closure. I want to know why it all ended and it suck because I know I'm going to see more of him and the thought of not knowing what happened between us kills me. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to go to the courtyard and hopefully find him (without his girlfriend) and ask him if it's okay if we talked. In the back of my mind,
I'm thinking, "He wants absolutely nothing to do with me. He's happy with whoever he's with just as long as it's not me" Ugh! I don't know if I want to be with him or not. I if I do want to be with him, it's going to suck because
I know I'll probably focus my attention on Eric and Kyle or some other guy. I'd be a rotten girlfriend! If things don't turn out right for me, then I have one thing to say to say to Tim. "Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love."

later,
jen

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:: 2003 7 May :: 12.00 am

So, everything is situated...I guess. I still have some unanswered questions and I couldn't think of them when I was talking to him. I got Matt to pull him aside for me and we talked. So I asked him what happened between us. And
he's like what do you mean? I told him one minute we're talking and the next we're history. He was very confused. He
thought I blew him off and that I wasn't interested. I told him that the day after we kissed he blew me off and didn't
talk to me. He told me that he had no idea. He said that I should have told him and written a note. But I knew he didn't like notes and
I couldn't tell him during English because 1)he comes to class late 2)there's never anytime 3)I thought he was mad at me. I always tried to look for him during lunch, but he was always busy with the play or something. so, I guess we separated because of bad communication. I let him know that I called the day of the
play, but he had already left. So, it's also bad timing. I didn't really let him know how
I felt/feel. I didn't want to make him feel bad. He asked me if I wanted him to break up with his girlfriend. And I'm like No! I never said that. I just want him to be happy and if he's happy with her, he should stay with her. All I wanted was some sort of information so it wouldn't bother me for the rest of my life. I guess I'm okay now, I still want to ask him like how could he move on so fast? He's probably one of those guys who needs a girlfriend at all times. I don't know. I'm still confused, but I'm glad that the wall of angst has finally been knocked down. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 10 May :: 12.00 am

I want to set the record straight. I don't like Tim anymore. Our little conversation that we had really helped. And if Tim breaks up with his girlfriend and wants to see what would happen between us...he won't be able to know. I'm completely over him, I have no feelings for him that run over the lines of being friends. Yesterday he actually hung out with us at lunch. Kayla claims he wants to spark up something with someone. And I'm like really? Who? I was nice and I said hey and made quiet conversation, but other than that I was busy writing in yearbooks and trying to figure out whether it was John I was talking to last night. I found out (I think) that it's Jeff's little brother. But I don't know. Hmm, what else? Oh, eric. I've come to the conclusion that I put way too much effort to get to see him that it leads to being a stalker, so I'm going to
quit wasting my time and move on...it would have been a lot easier if we were in the
same classes together, but we're obviously not...now Kyle, he's my lover in disguise. I have a few days left and then this year...and Kyle are bye bye. So I need to act now with him. He seems like a cool guy to hang out with. I just can't figure out a way to talk to him and have a relationship where we say hey to each other in the hallway. That would be super groovy. I'm so bad when it comes to things like this. My hellos are bum grabbing...I don't know any other means. So, on Monday, I need to talk to Kyle before he gets away and I lose him forever! Maybe when he's listening to his CD player, I can be like, "hey what are you listening to?" I'm just really...gah! I
don't know. I need someone who knows him to be like "hey, you need to meet my friend Jen." No, that's sad. For the both of us. I have no idea if we even have anything in common. He likes AFI...hopefully he's not one of those guys who just bought the shirt
to look cool. He's super dreamy...wait scratch that out. He's super sexy...no...adorkable. He rocks my socks. "Hey, I just want you to know...you rock my socks." And he'll look at me like I'm crazy! I wish I had a yearbook so he could sign it. Maybe I can say, "Will you sign my yearbook?" (and it'll be Matt's)...it's not mine, but sign it anyway." Just to see what he'd write. Um, I don't know you, but you wanted me to sign your yearbook, so I'll sign the typical phrase 'does it tickle when I sign your crack?' Have a nice summer -Kyle. Pretty pathetic!! Christina, I know you're reading this...I think you have a better opportunity with Kyle. He's friends with Josh and you can talk to Josh and be like 'such and such' and turn to Kyle and say, 'you have been there' Plus, he has Pryor 4th period, so you can say 'does anyone have Pryor?' And he'll say yes and you guys could go on from there and since we saw him that one time outside of Pryor's class you can walk out and say hey or something. Sounds like a plan, eh? Yep. It's all situated. This stuff is tough. I'll have to improvise and wing it. That's always the
easiest path. Hmm, maybe something good will come out of it. You only live once, so I might as well just
do something crazy and outrageous. Things just might work out in the end. Well, that's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 13 May :: 12.00 am

Harumph! So, it looks like I'm a one man woman. No more sad love triangles (now). I'm all
focus on Kyle and there's no other boy catching my attention. But I must admit. Kyle is a weird one. If we ever did one of those superlative things, I'd voted him most likely to become a gynecologist. Okay, I have to go!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 15 May :: 12.00 am

Today was an okay day. In 2nd period, Dori and I talked to Kyle. Well, it all started when Jessica came into our class and he asked if that was a girl. So, Dori started telling about what happens during flag football (there are lesbians and whatever) and Kyle was getting all into it. His jaw was just hanging down and his boner was up. At some point, I told him to close his mouth. Afterwards, we came about talking about cars. That horny bastard has a Lexus. But I think that's cool how he says he's poor or whatever. he's not the kind of person who says, "My parents are going
to get me such and such car" and it's like some super expensive top of the line model car. Heck, I'm just getting a hand me down, you know? But yeah. Then we were talking
about movies that are out and he said he wanted to see Lizzie McGuire and What A Girl Wants (because Amanda Bynes is hot)...and he doesn't want anyone to know that he wants to see those movies. He's been wanting to see X-Men 2 and the Matrix, but once again, he's too poor. Heh heh. That hoity-toity bastard. When it was time to go, he ask me what was on the CD I burned and I said, oh it only has 4 songs on it and I was getting ready to name them and Josh
was like Rufio. And asked me if I liked Rufio and I was like yeah and in my head I was thinking, why would I wear a band shirt if I
didn't like them? But yeah. So, that was my day with Kyle. *sigh*. Too bad, for some odd reason I want to be just friends with him. Maybe it's his perverted-ness that's a turn off or the fact that he likes to "yeah" during class. Or maybe he seems like a way too cool of a guy and just saying the occasional hey would be fine. Hmm, oh well.

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 13 May :: 12.00 am

Harumph! So, it looks like I'm a one man woman. No more sad love triangles (now). I'm all
focus on Kyle and there's no other boy catching my attention. But I must admit. Kyle is a weird one. If we ever did one of those superlative things, I'd voted him most likely to become a gynecologist. Okay, I have to go!

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 15 May :: 12.00 am

Today was an okay day. In 2nd period, Dori and I talked to Kyle. Well, it all started when Jessica came into our class and he asked if that was a girl. So, Dori started telling about what happens during flag football (there are lesbians and whatever) and Kyle was getting all into it. His jaw was just hanging down and his boner was up. At some point, I told him to close his mouth. Afterwards, we came about talking about cars. That horny bastard has a Lexus. But I think that's cool how he says he's poor or whatever. he's not the kind of person who says, "My parents are going
to get me such and such car" and it's like some super expensive top of the line model car. Heck, I'm just getting a hand me down, you know? But yeah. Then we were talking
about movies that are out and he said he wanted to see Lizzie McGuire and What A Girl Wants (because Amanda Bynes is hot)...and he doesn't want anyone to know that he wants to see those movies. He's been wanting to see X-Men 2 and the Matrix, but once again, he's too poor. Heh heh. That hoity-toity bastard. When it was time to go, he ask me what was on the CD I burned and I said, oh it only has 4 songs on it and I was getting ready to name them and Josh
was like Rufio. And asked me if I liked Rufio and I was like yeah and in my head I was thinking, why would I wear a band shirt if I
didn't like them? But yeah. So, that was my day with Kyle. *sigh*. Too bad, for some odd reason I want to be just friends with him. Maybe it's his perverted-ness that's a turn off or the fact that he likes to "yeah" during class. Or maybe he seems like a way too cool of a guy and just saying the occasional hey would be fine. Hmm, oh well.

later,
jen

to comment

:: 2003 17 May :: 12.00 am

There comes a time in a girl's life where she just wants to let the whole world know that she's had enough. I'd just like to clarify, once and for all, that
I have no lovey-dovey feelings for Tim. It's just a straight-up friendship. THAT'S ALL! So when
people go around tell me, "I saw Tim with his girlfriend. She's so ugly. They were hugging and she's so tall and butch or whatever." It's like blah blah blah to me. I don't care! I could care less
about Tim and his new found relationship. Then it annoys me when they say, "Oh, I'm
sorry. I shouldn't have said that! Do you still like him? The two of you looked so cute together..." SHUT UP! AND CUT IT!! I've honestly had enough. It's like, enough is enough! And I don't really appreciate how they call this chick names and whatever. Pretty harsh if you ask me. But whatever. Only 5 more days of school left. Sad. :( I'll have to go through an entire summer without any bum grabbing action. Just
kidding. I'm going to live these last 5 days to the fullest! even though I said I want Kyle as a friend, I'm going to let him know that. I don't know how and most likely he'll take me for a fool. But a friendly fool indeed! Heh heh. I don't know...just crazy talk! That's it for now. Later!

later,
jen

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