:: 2003 19 May :: 12.00 am

How should I go about hurting the 2 foot bastard named Josh? I can't believe he said that to Kyle. "I bet Jennifer would dare you to kiss her!" Holy cow. That kid is crazy. That thought never even crossed my mind! He's gone a little crazy in the coconut with this Kyle thing, but whatever. I'll let him have his fun since it's the last day of school.

later,
jen

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:: 2003 20 May :: 12.00 am

*sigh* Kyle's a funny one. "Caesar's a winner!" Classic! There was "friendly" Kyle action going on. By "friendly" I mean next door neighbor friendly like let me borrow some sugar...NOT THAT KIND OF SUGAR. Bad metaphor. My point is that we never go to the deep stuff. it was nothing flirtatious. Damn. That sucks too. There's only 3 days left. And they're half days. So, English is
going to be really short, so there goes my chance. He'll forget about me over the summer and I had a feeling
that we were connecting. Like a hey in the hall...if I had the balls to.

later,
jen

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:: 2003 6 September :: 12.00 am

First and foremost, it's been a while. Practically 4 months. So, you're probably wondering what's going on. Well, I'll make it short. My summer was super boring and school started on August 07. I'm still boy-frickin'-crazy. I've seen Eric a couple of times, but I haven't said anything to him. Tim has the same lunch as I do on B days, there's an
occasional hello somewhere in there. And as for Kyle...well, I don't think he remembers me, I've seen him maybe two times. For a brief second in early August, then I sat next to him at some Ring assembly, but he didn't even look up to see me...ouch. But I did talk to him. I wanted to say, "hey, weren't you in my English class last year?" but I didn't. I asked him what period he had APUSH and I found out his birthday is in February. So that's how that went. I found out that he works at Arby's by the mall, so I went with Christina after school to see him, but he wasn't there. I wasted $1.27. :( Oh and lucky Christina has a class with
Kyle. Well, enough about Kyle for now...I'm crushing on a youngin'...well technically we're the same age, but he's in the
10th grade. His name is Brian. He's really nice and super funny, but unfortunately he's taken. Then some little Asian girl began to pat his head as if he were some kind of dog. But, I think he sees me as some kind of computer geek. Thanks to Mr. Campbell, but whatever. The closest I'll ever get to him is basically helping him with any computer work we have. *sigh* So, there's nothing serious going on...I haven't really let anything come between me and my school work, so I guess that's good. I'm thinking about having boys erased from the picture. They are too much trouble and I'll just deal with them when I go to college. I don't feel like being emotionally attached and tied down, it can get pretty boring and not to mention crazy, so I'll just look, but
I won't go any further and think, hmm, what would happen if...I can't handle that kind of juice right now, so yeah. Well, that's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2003 23 December :: 12.00 am

It's been a very long time. I've been a little busy lately. Not much has been going on in the love department. Actually, I have some very surprising news. Kyle knows or rather --- has been knowing that I've been grabbing his butt. Crazy, I know. How he found out? I have no idea. That remains a mystery. But wait, you're probably thinking...how does she know...did she actually start talking to Kyle? *looks down pants* Nope, no balls...yet. I still don't
have the guts to talk to him. I'd be at a loss for words. The summer break ruined everything for me. My chances of really getting to know him went down the drain. And what
really sucks is that I didn't find out about it until the last day of school. Right before winter break. It all happened in 4th period, I though
Greg had found out about my crush on Kyle, but I wasn't sure until he...Gah I don't know. But yeah, supposedly he had said to Greg, "Why does Jennifer keep grabbing my butt?" and I was like...whatever, I didn't believe it because I thought Kyle had forgotten about me. I don't know. I'm so
embarrassed...just the thought of it. Me, grabbing, then dodging away like he could never find out who grabbed him. It is kind of freaky though. Grabbing and not saying anything. Wait--what am I talking about. Grabbing is freaky. I don't know why I can't just go up to him and say "hey Kyle!" But there's never an opportunity...OMG! He's known for so long. I haven't
grabbed his butt since early September and I would see him every now and then and he knew ALL ALONG! Stupid me. And he made nothing of it! I can never show my face again. Ugh, I feel like crap. I only I could say something to him...I hate to move on, but I have to. Now you know me, I always have my eye on someone. Well, when I'm not thinking of Kyle, I'm daydreaming about Adam. Who the hell is Adam? Well, once again, a guy I've never even spoken to. My eyes gazed into his earlier this year. He looked so familiar, then I realized, hey he rides my bus, well, not anymore. We don't ride the bus anymore...but yeah, he's blonde, but he seems like the mysterious type and I think to myself, I can watch him all day. *sigh*. But, that's it. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2004 21 February :: 12.00 am

It's been a couple of months, but I've returned. I left off saying that I would never have anything to say to Kyle and having my eye on a boy named Adam. Well, Adam is out of the picture, although I did see him on Friday and I couldn't stop myself from staring...anyway, so enough about Adam. Back to Kyle. So, not too long ago I realized that Kyle's book is in the same classroom as my 4th period. I decide to put a note in there and it is full of dirty pick up lines. Then I start putting Valentine cards in there, and not until then does he notice that there are things in his book. He wants to know who it is that is putting stuff in his book. Eventually, he finds out that it's me. So right now we are just writing back to each other on one of his papers and it's getting full. I don't know how he finds out about all of this stuff. I guess he knows the right people to ask. THIS SUCKS! Oh yeah, and I had balls for a day,...earlier this year. I was in the all just talking/listening and Kyle walks by and I said, "hey" and I waved and he said "hey" back. But after that, I was pretty much silent. I've got it bad for
Kyle. I've been chasing him around for almost a year now. Oh, and get this. I'm leaving from my 4th period class, looking for my bus. I dodge away
so he won't see me...my bus ends up not being there, so I'm walking back towards the school and I see Scott. Um, Scott's a freshman that I met through Christina (he was in her PE class) and he is friends with Christina's sister, Katie. So yeah. Anyway, I see him by the buses and ---wait--- before that --- wait, never mind...back to where I was. So, I see him and all I plan to say is, "hey" and he's like "hey" and I think he was trying to give me a hug and I'm like, huh? I thought he was going to
hand slap or something too...I don't know; it was weird. He's a nice kid and hopefully I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. He has a girlfriend and it
should like he really likes her. I really need to talk to Christina. I think she knows him better and whatever, so hopefully she can tell me that he's like that with everybody. So yeah. That's my drama these days. I don't know what to do about the whole situation with
Kyle. So, I'll write more when I have the time. That's today's lesson, kids.

later,
jen

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:: 2004 11 March :: 12.00 am

I think I'm finally over Kyle. I don't know how or why I'm over him. I think it's because I've lost interest in the kid. I've tried to look past what people have been saying. It's not like he tries too hard to get people to not like him. I don't know; his attitude in general. Not that
I've seen it or dealt with...it's hard to explain. So, I figure that I'm going to let him go. I've done all I could to try to talk to him and it's all tuned out wrong. So, I want to drop the mess and forget about him and
move on. I was thinking that I wanted to take a break from crushing on guys. Unfortunately I'm crushing hard on this next one. and it sucks. I pulled Victoria to the side at lunch today and asked her if it was bad to like a guy who already has a girlfriend. I think that's the reason why it's bad to be crushing on him, because he has a girlfriend. I think that's the reason why it's bad to be crushing on him, because he has a
girlfriend and she lives miles away. He REALLY likes her though. I think he sees me as a friend...a person he has really gotten to know and that we can talk to each other on the internet. I don't want to say that I have feelings for him because then the friendship that we have would be totally ruined. Like royally screwed! I don't know why I like him...we usually don't have much to talk about, but we have
some things in common. Gah! I need to get over him before I fall hard for him. He's just so easy to talk to and every time I see him, he always has a smile on his face and...I don't know. I need to stop. He's hooked and he's happy and I don't want to ruin things between us. Besides, I think it's cool to have a freshman friend. Anyway, I saw Adam
today. He was all dressed up for some reason. Black dickies, red collared shirt, and a black tie. I don't know why he changed...well not changed...Ana said that he has been dressing like that a lot lately. He
took his Alkaline Trio patch off. I don't know why. Now he just has a plain book
bag. Hmm, I don't really like him...I just can't keep my eyes off of the guy. Anyway, I have other crap to deal with later today because the shiot has hit the fan. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2004 26 March :: 12.00 am

I'm so confused right now. I can't even fathom. I don't want to tell anyone who I'm crushing on because I'm afraid it will get around to him and things would be weird. Well,
today was just unexplainable. Christina told me she talked to Scott and that they were
talking about me. She printed out the conversation and I don't know if the feeling is mutual or what. He said something about liking girls like me, but he said that he thinks I'm not into him. (if he only knew!) I think he said he liked girls who were short, emo, glasses, and something else (dark hair). What?! Christina said that I'm into Kyle! Gah! He probably thinks that I actually talk to Kyle and hang out with him or something. He said I gave good hugs...I thought that was sweet. Christina told him I was a good girl (before I read the conversation) and I said,
hey I'm a horny good girl and she said, if she would have said that he would like me more. I don't know if that's some God-awful prank or what. All I was thinking was...he has a girlfriend, right? He sounds so devoted to her and I'm just feeling like some kind of
home wrecker. I'm not even doing anything though. I thought the handshakes, heys, and hugs were just greetings and salutations. I didn't mean to lead him on. He doesn't even know me. And I don't even know him. It's really difficult to understand. If I only knew how to express my feelings towards this. I'm feeling mixed emotions. Fortunately, I didn't see him today
because I don't know how I would have acted or what I would have said to him. But then again, I wanted to see him just to see if he would say anything. It's like he spilled his heart out to Christina about me. I won't see him until Monday, but I don't see him that much unless it's out of the blue. I don't have the internet right now, so I can't talk to him this weekend. Well, if he doesn't tell me how he feels about me to my face then what am I to do? He hasn't been dropping any hints (that I know of) I'm not just going to assume. So the safest thing to do is act normally and
pretend like I never read the conversation. I'll just continue to say hey to him and let life go on. Oh yeah, and linking to that whole "good girl" thing, Christina went ahead and told him that I've had one kiss my entire life. I didn't mind that she told him though, but after she said that he said he would make out with me if he had the chance. Dude, what's stopping him?! He said I was sweet/adorable (one of the two) and kissable. Hmm, I've never heard that before. I wouldn't mind if Scott kissed me. I don't know how he'd kiss me though. Maybe at first he'd give me a gentle peck, and if we got passed that then he could "make out with me." He seems like an affectionate kind of guy. the only problem is I don't know where and when this would take place. Quite possible at
school, but I already said I don't see him. I could go to his band practices, like I'm supposed to
tomorrow. Yesterday he said he'd give me his number to call and let me know how to get to Eric's house. Oh yeah, and that's how I was brought into the conversation supposedly. Um, Scott asked Christina if she wanted to see his band practice and she said sure and he said to invite me and she said, "Well, if Jen doesn't go, can I still come?" Christina said that he had been talking about me all night or something like that. I think the conversation between them would have been a lot different if Christine knew I was crushing on Scott. I
don't' know if it would have been different good or different bad. I told Kayla before Christina. Well, she guess before her. I asked Kayla if it was wrong to like a guy who has a girlfriend and she's like, "you like Scott?" and I'm like, good guess! I asked Christina the same question and she said. no. Then she guess Randy, Dori's boyfriend. Negatory! I don't want anything to be different. I mean yes, if what
I've read is true, we feel the same way, but I don't want to take that chance of getting together with him and then someone gets hurt. Things would be so awkward and I'm not trying to make excuses to not "be with him" I'm just trying to factor out the negatives. Oh God, this is so freaking first grade! I need to handle this maturely. I should just leave it alone and see what happens (for the millionth time) it's like I have the solutions, I just don't know which one will turn out for the best. I'm so sheltered, I'm not even supposed to be having concerns
about boys. What if Scott wants to hang out or call me on the phone? I'm not allowed to!! Eventually that would get tiring and we'd probably just give up. I don't even know why he really likes me. I mean yeah he already said something along those lines, but I don't want to be some girl who fits his prototype. Basically, it's a physical attraction. I don't know if we've spoken enough times for him to know enough about me. So, why do I like him? Well, he's a nice guy, easy on the eyes, easy to talk
to. I don't know. I honestly don't know why I like him. I haven't had enough conversations with him to know what he likes and what he doesn't like. I only know so much about him. But maybe that's what
relationships are for, so you can get to know that person. I don't know. I'm new at this. I'm no clairvoyant, but if you ask me what's going to happen, I'd say absolutely nothing. He most likely still has a girlfriend (the one miles away) and he talks
about her nonstop. He seems so committed to her and I'm the last person any guy would like. Wow. I think I just made up my mind. There's no use in thinking what might happen because what
I want, won't happen. Yay. I'm no longer confused. I'm going to put this all behind me and get over it. Walk it off. I should have more important things on my mind. Well, I'll probably write more on Monday and if not then, then much later. Until then, you'll just have to wait to see what happens. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!


It’s a fear that can’t really be explained,

But I’ll go ahead and try.

I’ll admire you from a distance

And just sit there and stare like a fly on the wall.

Because I’m only a shadow.


Watching you care for yourself and others too,

As you treat me like a disease.

Daydreaming of you;

Knowing that life is a vale of tears being with you.

So I’ll continue to stare,

But eventually I will disappear like dust in the wind

And become someone else’s shadow.

later,
jen

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:: 2004 3 March :: 12.00 am

Okay, I think I'm definitely over Scott. I talked to him last night and it was a good thing I did. I found out that him and
Diana are "best friends with benefits" whatever that's supposed to mean. So I said, "I've been looking for a guy like
that." and he said, "Well, if you're ever feeling lonely, let me know a day in advance." What the hell? okay, then he said
that Diana said she loved him and I said don't say it if you don't mean it. He said it. Okay, rule number one in the
friends with benefits rule book: Never get emotionally attached. It's like if you do, then you're set for at least a years
worth of heartbreak. I personally think that they are more than just friends with benefits even though she lives miles away,
she could still considered your girlfriend. I read Eric's journal and he has a point. How can someone start saying "I love
you" when you're so young that you don't even know what love is. We're just learning how to drive. That's so true. Some
people just need to be slapped, but whatever. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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:: 2004 3 March :: 12.00 am

I am far beyond disgusted. I can't believe it. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard Scott got *coughs* and it all took
place at some church retreat thingy. Uh, hello, you're their for a religious purpose, not to have a sexual experience! So,
if Scott is 15 now and that took place in the summer...wtf? He was just a baby. 14!! That's crazy. And he calls himself
"straight edge." What's his definition of straight edge? That's just totally nuts. Um, no pun. Whatever. That's just wrong.
Shame on Scott and the girl who favored him. That's today's lesson, kids. Enjoy!

later,
jen

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