..i still have some tears to shed..
Why is my mom such a fucking over protective bitch? UGH. Last night she seemed more towards a maybe on the FL situation.. and then all of a sudden while I'm showing her my Art Midterm (which sucks, I know it) she randomly whips out "I don't want you to go to Florida" WTF!? So we went on for twenty minutes, me in tears the whole time. Supposedly she talked to people about it (my Dad and her boyfriend) who think EXACTLY like her, so of course they're gonna say 'no'! I explained to her that Michelle is closer to me than anyone around here in Chichester. How she knows me more than anyone I ever called my bestfriend around here. I tell her EVERYTHING, she sometimes knows me more than I know myself. And the same with D'ana.. I don't think I've ever had a Chichester bestfriend for three years. These girls could be my sister and if anything came down to it, I would go to them over almost anyone. They're closer to me than any significant other will be. I love them with all of my heart, which is divided completely down the middle for those two. I don't love either one more than the other, and I would be completely lost without them. I need them to survive. I may look pretty well on the outside.. but I'm never okay. Deep down inside I'm always hurting and even when they aren't talking to me, but I see their screenname on my buddy list that says they're on, it makes me feel like all is right in the world. That they're just a double-click away. Even in the middle of the day, I'll start playing with my necklaces and I start thinking about them. A smile forms on my face and I feel a lot better. I might run and skip in the hallways making funny noises (that's just who I am), but that's only what I let people see. It's hard for people to see the real me.. but these two girls did it. They broke through my thick sheild to the point where they would sit on the other end of the phone while I cried for two hours talking to them about people they never even heard of. Just me knowing that they're there gives me such comfort. If not for them, I wouldn't be alive right now. I would have gone through with the suicide thing three years ago. That's how much these girls mean to be and my mom doesn't get it. She understands that Michelle is my best friend that I've had for three years running, and she thinks it would be a "great adventure" for me to do this but she claims I'm "too young." So then I pulled out that I was planning on seeing the local college when I got there to make it resourseful too. And I asked her what I would do if I went to an out of state college? I'd have to get up and leave and be hundreds of miles away. I told her to look at this as a practice to see how she'd be if I left for college. And she's like "When do you plan on going to college?" and I told her "I'd start planning this time of next year when I'm 18, and start up that fall right before I turn 19.. it's one year." And like, five minutes before this, she tells me that I can go when I'm 18. When I'm fucking 18 I won't be worrying about joy trips, I'll be worrying about how to pay for college. Let me do everything this year before I get to 18. And I also explained how I'm going to be at a friends house, not in a smelly hotel room with 20-something year old guys going to Cancun to party, get drunk, be on Mtv and strip for girls gone wild. I told her I'm going to be at this house, she lives right near the beach so we can walk there and I can put my toes in the ocean, and it's not like I'm going to be getting drunk and doing drugs. Yeah she might have some friends over and we'll stay up all night watching movies, but that's it. Stuff that goes on here, just with my best friend. I have to talk it through with my father and my mom's boyfriend with everything I just previously mentioned. JOY, I can't stand my dad. He scares me. I'll get two words out and he'll be like "I don't want to hear it, you're not going." PSH. I'm going. And I told my mom in this conversation that seemed like an hour long, that no matter what, I'm going to Arizona in June or July, and the Florida trip was to get me prepared for that. Whatever.

First period final didn't help. GAH, 10 questions, 10 points each, 45 minutes. I didn't even do number 8 'cause I completely forgot how to use my Pythagorean Identities. I got half of number 9 done, so that's a minimum of 85 points right there if everything else was right.

OH, I FUCKING HATE STUDENT TEACHERS!!! OMFG!! The dude teaching our Physics class is worse than fucking Mr. Roger's. His voice is so " - - - - - - - - - - - " it puts me to fucking sleep! UGH, I get screwed over. First the whacko in English class (who's now gone), and this guy, and then we're getting some chick to take over our art class. >_< UGH.

Now I go do my Trigonometry homework for the last class of it that I have tomorrow. Thursday starts precalculus... ONLY IF I PASS THE FINAL. grrrr.

..no future for you..
Celebrities piss me off. Something just came on about Reese Witherspoons Golden Globes dress and how it was a rerun of Kirsten Dunst (or someone) from THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO! And I as "Who fucking gives a shit? It looks better on Reese anyway!" And they call this news. Who the hell sits there and goes "Hey, I saw that dress three years ago.." It doesn't happen!! And then they sit there and make fun of celebrities when they gain weight, but then turn around "The SHOCKING Story of this stars' anorexia, next" WHO THE FUCK DROVE THEM TO ANOREXIA!! YOU FUCKING SHIT HEADS!! THAT'S WHO!! As much as I don't like her, I think the only real person in Hollywood is Kelly Osbourne. She isn't giving in to the pressure to lose weight and look like a fucking Corpse. She's happy with who she is and she doesn't want to become another stereotype. This is the major reason I want to be famous, I want to prove to EVERYONE that you don't have to be fake to be loved. Of course, there are going to be people that hate you 'cause you're 5, 10, 70 pounds over YOUR average weight, which in turn turns out to be 50, 100, 700 pounds over HOLLYWOODS average weight. I want to be the one they catch on camera stuffing my face with twinkies and chips, downing a double mega milk shake. That will be the highlight of my life if I become famous.

Besides that, I WAS going to watch my friends' Sex Pistols Documentary DVD, but right when I went to put it on, my mom flipped on me saying that it's her TV and she wants to watch it, but before then she wasn't doing shit for two hours I was doing my homework and blasting the Sex Pistols. She was laying down, supposed to take a bath, and then she went and got high. So why am I at fault? Now my friend won't get her DVD back untill Friday, if I even get to watch it tomorrow.. and then while I'm playing the Sex Pistols, she goes "THIS MUSIC FUCKING SUCKS!!!" How dare she. UGH, it's either 70's punk, or 50's drape music. Right now, I'm not in our century. Dresden Dolls: "I might join your century but only on a rare occasion". Exactly, I don't live in the two-thousands.. I'm stuck in different decades. "I might join your century but only as a doubtful guest" I don't belong in this century. I feel like the mental-issues are coming back on this one, but I don't feel like I fit in here. Not where I live, but what-time I live. This decade sucks, and I'm embarassed to be part of the "emo-scene" facists. It's so fake and fucked up.

www.dresdendolls.com
Frequently Asked Questions:

"What is the song “coin-operated boy” about? Is it about a dildo? I have fifty bucks riding on this.”
It is not about a dildo. It is about lonliness.