:: 2004 28 June :: 7.10 pm
:: Mood: awake

what a yucky day today turned out to be. i was supposed to go to the bar to taste food; but i didn't feel like going- so i stayed home.

i went up my grams for about 2 hours because my uncle had to go somewhere with mary; and someone has to stay with my gram. so i left when donnie came home around 2. i came home and fell asleep until around 5 i think then i called jim. we were gonna go to the drive in tonight with chelsea and the girls, but it ended up pouring down rain! so that messed everything up.

i can't wait til wednesday! jim's coming over after work in the morning, then he gets to stay til thursday when he has to go back to work that night. then on friday we're going to go to the mall and movies.

i think i have a cavity. i'm sitting here eating sour patch kids; and one of my bottom left teeth is hurting bad.

cmnt.

:: 2004 27 June :: 2.03 pm
:: Mood: tired

well, zues was laying on my bed last night and knocked over annas cd player that i was borrowing because my stereo is on it's last end. so i'm scared to see if it still works; i hope he didn't break it!

wow, the bar wasn't packed like it was on friday. but it definitly had a steady flow of people which is good. i got nachos, but they didn't hit the spot. my aunt came in around 11:00 and ordered wings and fries, and she shared them with me because she couldn't eat them all. we ended up getting home earlier than usualy;; 2:30am i think. i waited up til 5 when jim would call.. then we talked for 30 minutes, then he went back to work.. he said he'd call me when he got home and he did but i guess i didn't hear the phone ring. he left 2 messages to. i musta been in a deep sleep because i always answer the phone!

can't wait til tomorrow. my mom, george, dustin, matt and i are all going to the bar for taste testing! sysco [where my mom orders the food for the bar] is bringing in a chief to cook some different food to try to see if we want it for our menu. the last time they came in i was there and they brought about 5 different kinds of cheese cake! ohhhh, me matt and jason were going nuts! haha. i can't wait.

i don't really think i'm doing anything today; i lead a boring life. thank goodness jim called me at 1:40 today other wise i would still be sleeping right now.

my foots asleep.

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 26 June :: 4.49 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: semisonic - closing time, 504 boys - i can tell

cmnt.

:: 2004 21 June :: 10.48 pm

i'm so stupid.

cmnt.

:: 2004 19 June :: 5.48 pm

I adopted a cute lil' fetus in a tie
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 19 June :: 9.00 am
:: Mood: tired

i don't know what's wrong with me, i can't eat.. or when i do eat i can't keep it down. too much stress over jim or something; i don't know.

jim came over yesterday for about an hour. we're still together. he felt the baby kick for the first time yesterday.. it was so cute. he got me a dozen roses and a card.. i love him so much.

amy came over to.. she just left about a half hour ago. she had to go to work.

i'm just sitting here; my mom and i are going to get george his fathers day present today. and then i'm gonna try to go to jims house, or maybe i can get him to come over here. it depends on if he has to work or not.

i'm gonna go try to get some more sleep because i hardly slept at all last night.

cmnt.

:: 2004 17 June :: 11.51 pm

i just talked to jim on the phone.. i told him that i just wanted to be friends and that we'd talk about everything when i saw him in person.

..we'll see

cmnt.

:: 2004 17 June :: 11.12 pm
:: Mood: rejected

i don't even know what's going on anymore.. i mean i think i broke up with jim, but he doesn't seem to think so. but what am i kidding myself? i'm nothing without him. we're like bonnie & clyde, peanut butter & jelly, spaghitti & meatballs.

everythings still going around all in my mind, jim.. cheating on me? i don't know; i never thought he would ever do something like that, because we talked about stuff like that.. but i don't know. when i asked the girl-- she didn't deny it. jim swears nothing happened;; that they were just friends and only talked. in a way i want to slap him and tell him to stop lying to me but in another way i believe him. i've been thinking about it all day, and i don't know what to do.

i've cried enough in the past 2 days. i just need to stop, whatever happened happened.

i guess it hurts the most because i always believed that he loved me so much but anymore even though he says he does; i don't know if he's just saying that because of the baby, or if he really does.

then i think about the baby and maybe he really does love me because my mom and i told him that if he wants out he can just leave, and he wouldn't have to pay for anything. and he doesn't seem like he wants to leave.

if he needed a friend, why couldn't he talk to me? he had to go talk to some girl all the time? we've been together for a year & a 1/2 and i'm having his baby for god sakes.

all i keep thinking to myself is that i should have broke up with him a long time ago when he stopped coming around. god just to see him i have to bend over backwards. he always seems to be busy, or never has a ride or just some fuckin' excuse! he hasn't been around for the past 4-5 months, i'm used to him not being around so it's not like that's any different.

..but i don't know

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 16 June :: 10.11 pm

..i wish things could be like they used to

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 16 June :: 1.41 am
:: Mood: sad

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice
Say goodnight as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence
The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way

cmnt.

:: 2004 15 June :: 3.28 pm

guys aren't worth fuckin' shit.

cmnt.

:: 2004 13 June :: 1.00 pm

so i can't think of anymore names for the baby.. so far i've come up with:

trinity
amaya
baily
morgan
ella

blah.. it's such a hard decision!

3 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 12 June :: 12.56 am
:: Mood: sad

i'm just sitting here, drinking some ice water.

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.51 pm
:: Mood: funny

didn't go get my permit today.. "something came up" so i guess we're getting it tomorrow.

we'll see.

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 9 June :: 11.20 am
:: Mood: cranky

i hurt my foot.

i've watched moulin rouge 5 times in the past 2 days. lol, i still love that movie.

going to get my permit tomorrow.

july 1 is my next doctors apt. for the baby.

i don't know what i'm doing today.. chelsea is coming at 2.. and she'll be here to watch the girls til around 9.. so i have all that free time of doing nothing. hmmm.. i'll see what jim is doing.

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 6 June :: 1.07 pm
:: Mood: lazy

first off: WE FOUND ZEUS! we put an add in the newspaper under lost & found and someone called about him. i guess the night of the storm [when he ran away] he was up the mingo twist n shake and all scared and everything, so some guy opened his car door and let him in. they took him home. i'm so happy! we get to go get him around 4:30-5:00.

i went to the doctors on thursday. i have some sorta infection. but it'll cause me to go into early [way early] labor; so i had to get on more antibiotics. there is always so many things wrong with me.

ahhhh. yesterday in the morning my aunt loraine, gram and i went to waynesburg for a yard sale, for my grams therapist (SP?) [yes, thats like 45 minutes away from where i live.] my aunt and i didn't want to go, but my gram put the guilt trip on; and we ended up going.. but in the end it was a good thing because we got a crib for up my aunts house, a walker, and a whole bunch of little rattles/infant toys. melanie [i think that was her name.. thats joes wife] and joe [my grams therapist] have 3 little girls, so they have about a million infant clothes. so she said she would save the clothes until i knew for sure that i was having a girl. and that was really nice.

yesterday around 5:00 i went into tha bar, for the fundraiser thing. we did really good. we were packed. i was really tired by the end of the night though.

todays berts welcome home picnic! he got back from over-seas thursday. but he can only stay home for 7 weeks.. but i bet tammy and the girls are so happy he's home.

cmnt.

:: 2004 2 June :: 8.48 pm
:: Mood: upset

we can't find zeus..

he's been gone for a few hours, and he's never ran away before.

i hope he's okay.

:(

cmnt.

:: 2004 2 June :: 12.25 pm
:: Mood: blank

my feet are cold.

well yesterday i went with my mom to the school got all my stuff, returned my books blah blah blah. i'm taking finials sometime at the end of the month i guess.

after that we went to k-mart and got a couple things. then we went to the bar, got something to eat and left. we came home only to leave again to go to annas play at the highschool. that was only about an hour or so. after that we all went home.

my mom, george and the girls left to go to the parrothead meeting in pittsburgh. i went up my aunt loraines and we put her pool deck together and hung some things up for my gram. after that my aunt loraine and i ordered pizza for us. then kelly came up and we gave her some pizza. doug ate his, uncle only ate a little bit, and jeff ate the rest. i went home around 11:30. watched some tv; and went to sleep.

i woke up around 11:30 this morning, ate a bowl of coco puffs. mmmmm, they were good. talked to my mom. called my gram and told her that i'd be up when the guys up there were done paving my aunts drive way to help her plant some flowers and finish up her little deck she has.

haven't talked to jim in a few days. nothing new though.

i have a doctors apointment tomorrow. blah blah blah. nothing exciting anyways.. i'll update more about this tomorrow :-D

oh.. june 5 [this saturday] at the bar [the Sand Bar in Washington] is having a fundraiser for Cannonsburg Hospitals Emergency Room. I'll be selling raffles, and cookies or something like that. so everyone that reads this [my friends that live around me!] better tell their moms/dads ect. to come. :)

well i better go, i think i'm gonna go paint my aunts things i told her i'd paint.

cmnt.

:: 2004 31 May :: 12.16 am
:: Mood: tired

the 29th was a year 1/2 for jim and i.

happy memorial day. :-P

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 27 May :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: bored

:: 2004 26 May :: 8.42 pm
:: Mood: crappy

didn't go to school today. i woke up at like 6:00, took pain meds and musta fell back asleep.. i woke up around 11.

cmnt.

:: 2004 24 May :: 10.29 am
:: Mood: listless

blah- stupid me being sick. stupid kidney infection ect..

george had gotten 2 blink 182 tickets for saturday. [the 22nd] and had asked if i wanted them. to bad i was in the hospital and could barely move.

i'm feeling a lot better now. especially this morning. i woke up, and can actually stand up straight without having a massive amout of pain.

..back to school tomorrow!

8 days left.

4 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 23 May :: 10.58 pm
:: Mood: sick, tired, in pain.. ect.

sorry i haven't updated much lately. a lot of things have been going on.

thursday i called my mom and told her that i had a bladder infection.

friday, i went to school.. but only to be sent home an hour later & 1/2 later because there wasn't any power. so my mom took me to the doctors, and they gave me meds for my bladder infection. and told me that if the pain in my right side was getting any worse to go to the ER. so about 7:30 that night i called my mom and told her that i couldn't even stand up.

i went to the hospital, they took tests/blood and everything. only to tell me about 70 thousand hours later that i was pregnant. okay. 21 weeks pregnant. from the ultrasound they did the lady said she thinks its a girl.. but cannonsburg hospital doesn't do OBGYN, so i had to be transfered to washington hospital. i rode in an ambulance to get there because i had an iv in my arm and its the law that i had to ride in an ambulance. the guy was really nice that rode with me. he told me to keep my head up, because i didn't have anything to be ashamed of.

when i got there it was already about mindnight. i was so tired. but i had to stay awake.. they asked me questions and everything. put a new iv in, and checked blood pressure/babys heart rate. the nurse that was in there for the night her name was Pat. she was so nice. i didn't get a full nights sleep the whole 2 days i stayed over, because they always came in to change my iv or check up on me.. blah, i slept during most of the day. i ended up having a kidney infection, but they said it was good i came in because it can cause a miscarrage.

i'm not allowed to go to school tomorrow. and i still have to get 3 perscriptions filled.. the place wasn't open on sundays.. which means no pain meds.. which means i'll be in pain.

everyones handling it well. even i am. i just can't wait until everyone reads this. it'll be around the school by tuesday.

i'm telling everyone now: just leave me alone and don't ask any questions.

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 20 May :: 7.20 pm
:: Mood: blah

9 days of school left.

1 cmnts. | cmnt.

:: 2004 19 May :: 10.36 am
:: Mood: blahhhhhhh

went to the magestrate [sp?] yesterday. my fines came to $104.22. okay.. dumb.

10 days of school left

4 cmnts. | cmnt.