I'm actually feeling pretty good today, among all the other days in which.. well, I didn't.
But yeah. Today's okay. I don't know if it's the holiday-season thing setting in, because usually that puts me in a decent mood. The snowed-in for the night feeling, and the good 'ol hot chocolate to warm up with. Okay, I got it from Starbuck's, but it works!! I think Swiss Miss is better anyway.
I've got most of my Christmas shopping done. Just need to make a few more stops, and then I'm all set. I've spent wayyy too much money. And I think I'm going to start saving up for the camera I want, as a little x-mas present for myself. :P I'm starting to irritate myself with all the sitting and 'not knowing what to do-ing," so I figure a camera will do the trick.
Has anyone else thought about how old we've all gotten recently? I start thinking about it around the end of the year each and every year. I guess it's hard not to. I just feel.. not like a kid, yet kind of like a kid. I'm on the edge, you know? It's weeeeird. I'm in college, I've got a car, I've got a job, and some money, but hey, at least I still live with my mom! It keeps me grounded, haha. Sometimes I just feel like I should have did more to enjoy my childhood. Not like.. 2 years ago, I mean when I was a lot younger. It's just hard to think about when I sit here, and want so badly for it to come back to me. But if things were different back then, then there would be change in the present, and I don't think I'd much want that either. So, I guess I'm at a loss.

I just miss Christmas at Grandma's.
Not the housing-unit she's in now, but HER house. The beautiful red-brick's against the pure white snow. The smell of freshly baked cookies and spiced candles when you walked through the door on Christmas morning. Everyone was happy, everyone wanted to give you the world. No one was hurting in any way, they made it all disappear for that one special day. Presents piled under her signature white christmas tree, with the glistening red lights and velvet ornaments. All the smiles, and the laughter rang throughout. Sitting beneath the tree with my cousins, trying to guess what each present was.
I guess to me, it just doesn't feel real anymore. The only thing I get from it now is a faint feeling sparked from my grandma's warm smile when she greets me at the door of her 1 bedroom apartment. We eat, unwrap the presents, and everyone rushes out. They all have better things to do, I suppose. It just makes me wonder 'what if'?
But hey, things are this way for a reason, right?
I hope so.

2009, please bring me good change.
More of my friends, more of the things that matter, and more unfading happiness.
More of this:







.. If anything at all, just give me something beautiful to grow from the grey.