I can't seem to get away.
I have been trying and trying, trying so goddamn hard to get away from the truth that I fear.
I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist again. Last time I did that I got medication that only helped for a month or two. I don't think depression is my problem, and it's scary.
I don't want to know what it is that I've got, because I fear what I have. I have for years. Since everything has happened, and all of these things I notice, I just.. I am scared of myself.
I really am. I don't know what will happen if I let it go again. I don't want to know.
I'm trying to get the nerve to go in, and not for me. Definitely not for me, because if it were up to me I'd let it go until it got too bad. I want to do this because I don't want my relationships to get any more strained, and hard to keep together. It's become hard for me to keep them going. Even with my family. But the one's I care about most right now are Alicia and Shane. My family will always be there to a point, and that is good enough support for me.
My god, I feel so selfish. I've done this over and over again.
Something has to work.
--
I saw the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go..
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
--
My mind is muddy, but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go..
--
And maybe someday we will meet,
And maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises because there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
--
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice.
Because I'll just make the same mistake again.
--