:: 2008 16 November :: 10.40 pm
:: Mood: indescribable

There's someone in my head and it's not me.
I cannot believe it. Still. To this day. I cannot believe that I'm comfortable enough to call my dad. So much has changed. I never thought.. No. I really never thought that I would see him. It got to the point that I just.. I didn't see it happening. Maybe once, maybe in the future, but it just seemed so neverending. I thought of him every single day, and it killed me. Now it kills me to walk away, get in my car, and drive the 50 miles back home. It's not far, but to me it seems like a million miles. That infinite amount of miles that had always been between us. I can't begin to explain myself, just as he can't.
We just stand there, stare like we know eachother from somewhere, but can't pin point where we met. It's not awkward. I just don't know who he is.
We hugged when I left on Friday night. I had work the next morning. I felt the tears come up, but they went away. We stood in the drive for about 5 minutes with our arms around eachother. Felt like a lifetime. I just closed my eyes, and traced my memories for another memory similar to the one being made. I can't tell anyone, even myself, how I feel right now. I couldn't tell you if it's good or bad. And really, it has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. I just.. felt like writing about him, because.. well, I can now. Maybe it just spurred a few thoughts, and all of a sudden I felt like typing about him because I guess, well, I feel like I can. We can't make up for all of the lost time, and there's no sense in trying. Sure, I'll talk about my past and he'll talk about some of his. I don't mind. I don't care what he talks about as long as I hear his voice. I was so scared to call him the first time. It's strange, but I was terrified that I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I can remember. It's gotten so much easier. I just can't believe I am where I'm at.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have an amazing best friend, I have everything that I truly want. I'm not entirely content with myself, but I'm working on it. Really hard, actually. Everything is completely different from last year, and the year before that. I'm in college and I hate it, but that's okay. I'll likely live. I want to be a dental hygienist, because I feel like I'll be good at nit-picking through people's teeth. Not really sure if it's what I'll love to do, but I always have my hobbies. And of course, I'll eventually be able to afford a new camera with the paycheck.
I can't wait for Shane to come back home.
I miss him being around. My house isn't enjoyable anymore, and I can't handle it. I just wish it were. I wish things would go back to normal in my head, but they don't seem to want to.
I'll sleep on it again. Maybe things will rearrange. But hey, I've been hoping that for a few years now.
It could be that my sister is living with my mom and I. I love her and my nephew to death. It's just stressful. Have to get away every once in a while, then it's okay. And it really could be that my only brother is facing a minimum of 7 years in prison. Why do things have to happen this way? I never understood why things play out the way the do, and I guess I just dismissed it after it didn't matter anymore. It must be the best, right?
Just have to keep telling myself that, and keep on sleeping on it.
I'll learn to appreciate the way life plays out, and to reason out with myself when I think it's wrong.

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