:: 2010 1 April :: 1.45 pm
:: Mood: melancholy

As I stood on the deck at Shane's house this morning, with the warmth of the sun shining on my face, I closed my eyes in hope.
I imagined. Deep into the crevices of my brain, I dreamed. I closed my eyes tight, but opened them on the inside. What I saw was beautiful. What I saw was what I want so badly, but cannot have.
I woke up this morning - facing the white wall. I opened my eyes, and closed them again. Imagining what I want. I saw a creamy tan wall, two windows with white trim - the sun was coming in, but I could feel it how I wanted to. I imagined standing up, walking to the porch and standing in front of the doorway. I stared out, all of the houses, the calm, the rejuvenating feeling I yearn for was there. I watched a car go by, I stared to the blue sky, and breathed. I love when I can breathe. Then it goes.
I know I have to open my eyes, see the reality of what is in front of me. So, I do. The white wall was still there. I closed my eyes, reopened them, closed and reopened. I knew the drab wall wasn't going anywhere. I sat up, pulled the curtain back and saw my car outside. I saw Shane's. I looked at the pine's and the grass poking through, and all of the new-coming growth.

I had a dream that I was sitting in my driveway. But I wasn't young, I was 19. I was who I am now. I was sitting in my driveway at my home. It was a light grey, with a lot of little rocks and ant hills. I had a couple leaves in my hand. Ants scurried by, as I attempted to grab them. I looked to my house - off-white siding, hunter green shutters, a big maple tree in the front yard. I looked back and smiled, I felt the feeling I always felt.
Everyone around me, the world, the whole universe was at my fingertips. I felt alive. The garden hose was lying beside me. It was running, and a pool collected near the end of the driveway. I sent the leaves down my little man-made river, watching as they swirled around at the end of their journey. I got up and my dream ended as I went inside the house.

It was a beautiful dream. It felt like it happened yesterday, but I know it didn't. Most of the time I know I need to get over it, that I need to stop. But others, like now, I like the feeling of the sun.
Even if the only way to feel it this way is within a dream.

smear it