And be a simple kind of man...

:: 2003 7 October :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: like omggg
:: Music: The Used, A Box Full Of Sharp Objects

wow alotta suprises just now...well i found out that two people i know are going out....two girls!!!!! omgg i was like jesus christ what is this world coming to...there are more gay/les people then there are straight these days...omfgg eric said "love ya" before he signed off today...after all that shit...i was about to say wtf but he signed off...i know he dun mean it THAT way...but i was still kinda shocked...i mean, come on...you really think i'd say it backk? () last night anthony called me hun like 5 times () just for all you who dunno...the () things mean importante!!!!!! ((yes, yes, i know, dont i have such good espanol?)) =]P alright well i wanna go play video gamess so i'll write more later when i actually have stuff to write...kinda thoughtless right now...ohh but im getting a new phone and new clothess!!! ((like alotta them lol))...okiess well i come back later...lotsa luv!!!! <33

:: 2003 5 October :: 11.29am
:: Mood: grumpy
:: Music: silence

considering suicide?

I got this in an e-mail.. and i decided to post it, because.. well, just read it.

You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out.

Fine--but before you kill yourself consider these facts:

Suicide is not usually successful.

You think you know a guaranteed way?

Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both his arms are gone.

What about jumping?

Ask John. He used to be intelligent , with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain- damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.

What about pills?

Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.

What about a gun?

Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide.

You might too.

But...

Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job- -but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned?

Your father?

Your mother?

Your wife?

Your son?

The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.

Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.

You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police.

They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.

You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it?

Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later.

And we'll work with whatever you have left.

scary, isn't it? it'll make you think twice.. but then again, i don't know.

xx jena.

7 freebirds | Fly high...

:: 2003 4 October :: 11.25am
:: Mood: cold and sore
:: Music: me chewing on pizza

car wreck and other things
yesterday around 4:40, amy her mom and i all were going to go out to burger king, and chow down on some food. but on our way there, we got into a wreck. some stupid lady pulled right out in front of us, and we ran into her passengers side of the car. i was in the back seat, [without a seat belt. ha] amy was in the passengers side, and her mom was driving. so, none of us were really hurt, amys mom hit her head, and has a bruise on her hand.. from hitting something, but she doesn't know what she hit it off of. amy got hurt from the seatbelt, and shes been complaining about that.. so i hope you feel better.. and i just got smushed up against the front seat- hit my right arm, and my chin. but all in all i'm okay. a little sore. but okay ;)

so we dropped amy off at the highschool [she had to go to a football game.] after her mom talked to the lady about everything. then we went to the auto body shops to see how much it would be to fix her car. i guess it'll cost over $1,000. so they couldn't give her the exact total.

that sucks.

so all in all my day was okay yesterday. 8-) except for the fact that when i ask jim to call me, he always "forgets" or some other STUPID reason.. wtf. how can you forget to call your girlfriend? he hasn't called me like 4 different times in a row when i asked him to. i always have to call him, and he just tells me that "he forgot" or "he got in late" wtf? thats fucked up. i'm so pissed.

i don't even know anymore.

xx- jena

2 freebirds | Fly high...

:: 2003 4 October :: 9.14am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: z100...haha they cracking eggs to c which are hardboiled and which are raw =P

im freezing, gotta get changed and get everything ready for later, and i wont have time to talk to ashley today...yes im still mad at her...thats why i wanna talk to her...i need to ask lauren for advice...she good w/that...plus i gotta tell her what happened w/we all know who...eh alright i shall write more later or tomorrow...heh...like i'll have time later...funny...

:: 2003 3 October :: 9.33pm
:: Mood: hurt...
:: Music: Trapt, Still frame

more....

XxAtarisChickxX [9:30 PM]: alright
XxAtarisChickxX [9:30 PM]: will do
XxAtarisChickxX [9:30 PM]: bye kris...
XxAtarisChickxX signed off at 9:30 PM

heh what was the point of starting a new one? i dont know...im just not in the mood to talk to her right now...she really hurt mee...

:: 2003 3 October :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: Trapt, Still frame

continued from before....

XxAtarisChickxX [9:14 PM]: kris
XxAtarisChickxX [9:14 PM]: i'm reallly really sorry
XxAtarisChickxX [9:14 PM]: i didn't mean to hurt you
XxAtarisChickxX [9:14 PM]: krisss
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:15 PM]: ashleyyyyyy
XxAtarisChickxX [9:15 PM]: ur talking to me!!
XxAtarisChickxX [9:15 PM]: yay
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:16 PM]: dont think u understood the tone there...
XxAtarisChickxX [9:16 PM]: damnit!
XxAtarisChickxX [9:17 PM]: i'm really sorry!
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: cyber hit me
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: come on
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: cyber hit me
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: come on
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: i deserve it
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:18 PM]: no thanks......
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: kriss
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: please
XxAtarisChickxX [9:18 PM]: i deserve it
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:19 PM]: im not in the mood...
XxAtarisChickxX [9:19 PM]: grrr
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:22 PM]: its not my fault i dont feel like slaps tongiht...
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:22 PM]: *tonight
XxAtarisChickxX [9:23 PM]: come on
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:24 PM]: .....
XxAtarisChickxX [9:26 PM]: i'm really sorry
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:27 PM]: you've said it like 100 times but i still dont feel better...
XxAtarisChickxX [9:27 PM]: what will make u feel betteR?
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:27 PM]: i dont know!
XxAtarisChickxX [9:28 PM]: hmmm
XxAtarisChickxX [9:28 PM]: hmmm
XxAtarisChickxX [9:28 PM]: i'll send josh to ur house
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:29 PM]: im not even in the mood for HIM....
XxAtarisChickxX [9:29 PM]: grrrrrr
XxAtarisChickxX [9:29 PM]: sam will!
XHyPeRLiLAnGeL7X [9:29 PM]: just go away for now....

:: 2003 3 October :: 8.59pm
:: Mood: ::moans::
:: Music: P.O.D. Will You

i got really mad at ash and i sent her one of my "angry emails" and she just signed on n im afraid of what shes gun say...eh...
XxAtarisChickxX [9:01 PM]: i'm sorry!!!!
SoFtBaLLgiRL2060 [9:02 PM]: ....
XxAtarisChickxX [9:02 PM]: kristen!
XxAtarisChickxX [9:02 PM]: i'm sorry.. i didnt know
XxAtarisChickxX [9:05 PM]: KRISS!
XxAtarisChickxX [9:06 PM]: grrrr
SoFtBaLLgiRL2060 [9:07 PM]: just leave me alone for now...
XxAtarisChickxX [9:08 PM]: fuck!
SoFtBaLLgiRL2060 [9:08 PM]: ...

more of the IM in a few...gotta switch sns...

:: 2003 3 October :: 9.39am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: silver chair - do you feel the same

i wish i knew the ending
yeah, whatever.. "life sucks; then you die." ahh. i love saying that. it just kinda- lightens up your day. =)

what day is it again? oh yeah.. friday. sucky old friday. i actually used to like fridays, well then again i actually used to like life. errr- okay, maybe i lied. but oh well. at least i used to like FRIDAYS. but i just don't like anything anymore. -sighs.

jim went to work yesterday at 4.. and he said he'd call me when he got home. but i guess he forgot.. i waited til like 1:00 in the morning. but no call. i'm worried though cause i still can't get ahold of him, so wtf. he should know i'd get worried.. god, i'm so mad!

everythings so blurry
and everyones so fake
and everybodys empty..
and everything is so messed up
be occupied without you
i cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
and i stumbled and i crawl
you can be my someone..
you can be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene..

sorry- listening to puddle of mudd now. -sigh. [i don't put down every song that i listen to, just the first one when i start writing my entry.] so don't get confused.. oh wait- i just read over that and confused myself.
disreguard that last paragraph.

i got a new bed for my room. and a new computer desk. well- really they aren't new. the computer desk was my moms and she got a different one, and the bed was my brothers, and he doesn't need it anymore.. it's kinda funny really; because i'm not worth getting anything new for.
lol.. i'm not worth it.

god, i wish there was fuckin school today. i hate being home alone. [yeah, my family is here. but like i said, i'm alone.] i can't believe i'm actually wishing for school.. god i miss jim.

i have to go over amys tonight- which sucks. only because she's not even gonna be home tonight, she has to go to an away football game [she's in the band]. so i'm stuck at her house for hours probably with her sister.. [i don't know if her sister will be there though] but oh well. i'll fuckin get over it. like i get over everything else.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time. like when i was about 5, and i was always up my aunts. and i didn't know about boys, heartbreaking, depression, being poor or just anything like that. it's so much easier being a little kid. yeah i wanted to grow up so much back then and be like my older brother. but i'm sayin fuck it now.. i want to go back when i was little. i don't like knowing all the shit that i know. it's sorta just like to much shit to handle anymore. to much for my brain to process. it's just to much anymore.. to many responsiblities.. to many things to do. so many things. to many.

i hate looking at pictures.
they bring back to many memories.
god damn them.

thats all. i'm done complaining.
xx. jena

:: 2003 2 October :: 8.44pm
:: Music: radio

arghhhh i forgot to put on my ring today and my hand feels like its missing something n i keep feeling like i lost it...i dont like it...grrr i have to talk to peter while ali gets something for him and hes making really annoying noises and shit i think he just hung up on me ima kill the lil demon...gotta study for my sci testtttttt bye!

:: 2003 1 October :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: silence

just another survey

YOUR NAME
(1) The singular boring question, your name: JENA
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would you name have been: I don�t even know
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? no
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with: umm.. probably- no one, I like my name.
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? they don�t really- they just misspell it.
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? no

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? no
(8) Do you think God has a gender? I don�t know..
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? sorta.
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? no
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? probably no where.
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? no.

HUMOR
13) How easy is it to make you laugh? very easy
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? it�s really a tie between amy, rochelle, jim, and just all my friends..
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? all the time.
(16) Why? i don't know
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? depends on the moment
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? haha, rochelle and Is song about people singing on the bus.. I�ll have to post it sometime.

MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? depends on if I�m really happy or not.. but most of the time, no.
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? �skater �boi� � by avril lavigne. God, the list goes on.. haha.
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? there�s a few actually..
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? �so far away� by staind, �think twice� by eve 6
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? �hurt� by NIN, �broken� by seether, and �epiphany� by staind
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? �i�ll be� by edwin mccaine
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? �come what may� from the moulin rouge.. omg, I would melt in his arms.

MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? MOULIN ROUGE!!
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? not always.
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? yeah right, I hate that movie/s
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? musicals.
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? ahh to many..

FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? taste
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? provolone
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? um.. it�s just cheese?
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? not.
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? yeah, but then I get over it.

COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC? PC
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer? not really.
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? yeah
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? yeah..
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? no.
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? yeah, lol.
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? everything.
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? everything.
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? why they have to be so immature??

CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? no
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most? everyone from moulin rouge.
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? hahahahahaha yeah right.
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? Wynonia ryder or however you spell her name. I like her.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? yes.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? not sure.
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? no

NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? no, I don�t see what the big deal is. Jesus.
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no.
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? nope.
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? no
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? yep
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? what�s that??
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? most definitely.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? haha.
(60) What do you think of pi? 3.14

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? Not really
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? scared I guess..?
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? getting to know them.
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member> I am right now..
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? I asked my boyfriend out.. I don�t see the big deal.
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? yeah I don�t think it�s cool..
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? no not really.
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? hahahaha. yeah right!
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? in a heartbeat.
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? who cares.

POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession? my baby jim
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? ahh.. autographs from the moulin rouge!!!!
(73) How badly do you want it? sooo soo bad!
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? yeah, who hasn�t?
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? I still don�t understand..

HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? no
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? 21, when jim and I get married. =)
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? when I was little, I was a little princess.. aww I was so cute. I miss those days..
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? my old grandma costume.. haha
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? MAYBE thanksgiving.. but anymore- I don�t even know.
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? nothing, we have enough holidays. Jesus.

MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory no to good.
(83) How good is your long-term memory? hahahaha.
(84) What is your earliest memory? I can�t even think..
(85) What is your happiest memory ? being with jim..
(86) What is your strangest memory? everything is strange anymore.
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? moulin rouge.

TEARS
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? moulin rouge
danielle steel books..
(90) What song makes/made you cry? nothing really..
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? jim.

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned? no.
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? Yeah. as long as I had jim.
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? isn�t that song on waynes world??

THIS SURVEY
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? yeah, but I�m bored.. so.. yeah..
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? I guess so.. like I said, I was bored..
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? I was bored.. like I said.
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? "If you had to kill yourself how would you choose to go abouti it?"
99) How would you have answered it? I don�t even know.

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? today, when jim left for work I told him. =)
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know? I love you Jim.

3 freebirds | Fly high...

:: 2003 1 October :: 7.25pm
:: Music: the starting line, the best of me

la la la...taking a five minute break n then i have to get back to the homework thats taking me like 5 hrs to do!!!!!!!!!!! okay that was long enough...time to get this done so i can talk on the phone to the people i love!!!

:: 2003 30 September :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: damn happy!!!!

omggggg i met the hottest guy in the world tonight and he said he thinks im hot too!!! i was like...yay!!!

:: 2003 30 September :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: seether - fade away

not really in the mood to write
jim and i went to the movies yesterday. we saw freaky friday. aww. disney movies are the best.

we had fun, it was 10 months for us yesterday. =) such a long time. yes. a long time together.
i l o v e h i m v e r y m u c h

i didn't go to school today. i am hella sick. and it sucks. a lot.

i hope i don't have a lot of things to make up. -growls. i hate homework and such.

i don't really feel like writing.

<3 jena.