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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 7 November :: 11.12pm

I remembered a dream and it was awful.

He was asking me to come back and showing me his wallet, he said I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I want to marry you, look at how much money I made for us. It's just a start but please come back.

And I couldn't say ANYTHING.

Last night was terrible and tonight is worse. Please let this stop sucking.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 25 October :: 2.51am

EURYDICE

Orpheus never liked words. He had his music. He would get a funny look on his face and I would say what you are thinking about and he would always be thinking about music.

If we were in a restaurant, sometimes I would get embarrassed because Orpheus looked sullen and wouldn't talk to me and I thought people felt sorry for me. I should have realized that women envied me. Their husbands talked too much.

But I wanted to talk about my notions. I was working on a new philosophical system. It involved hats.

This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful.

Orpheus said the mind is a slide ruler. It can fit around anything. Words can mean anything. Show me your body, he said. It only means one thing.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 23 October :: 4.37am

i miss that stupid greasy hair the stubbled face and your one slightly wandering eye, that bloodshot patch on the white of the other eye, your gaptooth, the way you only wear t-shirts with your tiny gut pushing out from beneath. i miss having to explain the plot complexities of movies and tv shows, and i miss the way you don't understand my love of the office or the alfred hitchcock hour from 11-12 on the local station but support it nonetheless. i miss the way you could only cook mexican food and only wanted mexican food and sometimes meatballs or chicken curry. and i miss the way you saw me as all that was good in your world, your beacon of bright happy sunshine, that is until i took it and ripped it to shreds and made it so that you couldn't go more than two days without seeing whatshisface. whatshisface with his own brand of misshaveness, a scrawny frame filled with beer and the desire to be bukowski, but who laughed with me and challenged my brain and asked it to RISE to the occasion, which is something i cannot miss about you, because it is something you hardly ever did.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 17 October :: 11.24pm

I am so lost and cannot shine in the land of darkness anymore.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 30 September :: 12.06am

CROWDED LOUD BUSY DEATH at least i'm loved and never bored.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 8 August :: 12.59am

i may not always like what you do but that has nothing to do with my loving you.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 6 August :: 4.56pm

"i confuse her love with the sea
she is a rare ephemeral thing"

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 29 March :: 11.37pm

"i'd like to thank you, and you, and you, and you, and you..."

there were a lot of "yous" but not a lot of "mes" and i feel like i could punch you in the eye for that.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 24 March :: 8.21pm

My first art gallery tonight! better eat some pasta!

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 5 February :: 12.26pm

There was a storm involving a large amount of rain, during which I was separated from Daniel and Joseph and everyone I knew. Everything was flooded. I was very pregnant, hugely pregnant and somehow I ended up in a mangrove forest, swimming between the trees and climbing over and through roots. I was trying to find something to float on so I could rest, and I saw two girls that I knew, who I can't remember now, floating by in some sort of large, earthy basket. They tried to run away from me because they didn't want to share. I swam after them and they panicked, falling out of the basket and running away. I spent forever swimming after it against the current until finally I reached it with the help of someone I can't remember and climbed in. The person left.

The basket turned into a car. I slept in it and woke up in labor. I wanted Daniel to be there very badly. I had the baby and it was a boy and he was beautiful and I loved him.
I left the car and waded to a building inside the mangroves that was crowded with refugees of the storm. There were dozens of fast food places and I was trying to find something to give to the baby, all the while asking him, "what do you want?" he was silent and didn't cry.

All the people were looking at me like they pitied me and I didn't like it. I started to hurt in my lower stomach so I went to a hospital in the same building where I had to let go of the boy. They didn't make me feel better, but when I got the baby back from them, he was nestled in a large Styrofoam cup and something was wrong with his hands. They looked angular and inhuman. I began to walk back to the car in the mangroves to go home, and he started to cry for the first time. I breathed into the cup softly and he stopped and fell asleep.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 3 January :: 12.55am

oh joey sweetheart, i dont want to lose you.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 9 December :: 9.32am

I want to shake every limb in the garden of Eden
And make every love the love of my life

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 17 November :: 11.58am

YES YES AND YES.

ah what a life i lead.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 24 October :: 10.58pm

UGH

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 20 October :: 1.49am

this is how i picture it:

"i don't understand, what am i confused about?"

"not confused exactly."

"what?"

"i'm telling you i love you."

"what?"

"my hand there, is holding my words, the light shining on both of our faces. and i'm smiling because i love you. and you don't, so you aren't moving or regarding the words."

silence.

"i know you don't. that's what it's about. but i love you."

"oh."

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