Vonderschnickel

:: 2005 21 June :: 7.48pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: I'm Not Okay(I Promise)-My Chemical Romance

Falling
I've finally lost my fear of falling.

:: 2005 15 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Stray-Wolf'sRainOST

Open
I would like to find a way to open to you. It's been a while, don't know if I remember how to.

:: 2005 14 June :: 3.18am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Love Is Not Enough: Nine Inch Nails

Apology
What I really meant to say is, "I'm sorry for the way I am."

:: 2005 10 June :: 5.20pm

A bullet to the head
Do you still think that we're not brave if we don't bleed?

:: 2005 4 June :: 2.17pm
:: Music: Cloud 9-Wolf'sRain OST2

To dream is to live.
I dreamt about you last night. I wish I really could have savored a kiss like that.

:: 2005 25 May :: 5.34pm

A face well worn by sorrow and solitude.

:: 2005 5 May :: 8.31am

Shit happens and you're stuck on the highway with a blown out tire wondering how you even made it as far as you did. Looking down the path you see it's too hard to walk, but you should try anyway, you never know what lies at the end of this concrete rainbow. Those that give up will only wait to watch someone pass them by because enemies don't give free hand outs. I really don't know where I'm going with this but I hope it helps someone. So, you walk and you walk and it's the toughest thing you've ever had to do. You seem to be alone, no one is there to catch you when you fall or help you carry on when you're hurt. Isn't that the worst thing about this trek? Humans cannot live without that emotional string, so how have you made it this far? Feet aching, sullen and ashy, you fall to the ground and then wonder.. 'Will I get up this time? CAN I get up this time?' All those times in the past you've fallen and someone took your hand to guide you back, but now that there's no one, who will save you? It has to be yourself. Get up and carry on, how else have you made it this far? The tings around you change just as quickly as the sun and the rain. One day it could be beautiful bliss, then next it's a jeering typhoon. And how do we live through this constant change in mood and season? We just do. We learn from our mistakes and remember to do things the right way. Maybe next time you'll remember not to fall if you pick yourself up this last time. Reluctantly, with all your strength, you fight back against this thing holding you down. With unbridled determination, you can overcome this desolate path. You can make this barren desert your own Paradise. You don't have to play by the rules as long as you stay true to yourself. Keep going, never give up, never surrender and listen to your heart. It will teach if you listen close....
[[Shuddap. I know it's sappy.]]

((The depressing alternative ending.))
Feet aching, sullen and ashy, you fall to the ground and then wonder.. 'Will I get up this time? CAN I get up this time?' All those times in the past you've fallen and someone took your hand to guide you back, but now that there's no one, who will save you? It has to be yourself. Then there is only excuses. All of those 'I can'ts' get in the way, they block out the light and leave you shrouded in your own discontent. The only rays of hope you have left are nestled in your wrists. What is there down the road that could be so perfect everyone fights and dies for it? No one will ever know, the road is endless in the dark. What's the point of finding it if when you do, someone will be there to screw it all up, to want to know everything about it, run all expiraments and scrutinizing scientific observations. Is there really a point to explaining the universe? They'll ruin it. It's better to not have found it... than to have it destroyed, isn't that what you think as your life paints the pavement? Another sacrifice on the way to peace. How many must die before they realize some things are better left untouched, unspoken, unheard...

:: 2005 11 April :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Awake-Godsmack

Just a note to say I think she should burn in hell and why you love her or whatever the fuck you feel is beyond me. Nick and me aren't even close anymore, I've come to this stunning realization. Though, in our hearts I know the love is there, we just think about different things.. never talk, nothing, nadda. But, why would you do that after all of the horribly evil, vile things she's done to you? You're just a fucking puppet on a string to her, don't you KNOW that?

I hope she dies and gets washed into a sewer pipe somewhere where her body rots beyond reognition. I'm sick of crying over petty shit, so should I renounce every last word I've said? That might be a mistake, but I'm only human. Emo, emo, bitch, bitch, don't like it than don't read. I guess women are just as bad as men.

God, this day has sucked my ass of all the shit in it and then flung it like a monkey on the walls.

This was hardly poetic, but fuck you.

:: 2005 3 April :: 1.40am
:: Mood: Morose
:: Music: GreenDay-Whatshername

Stupid Dad
It went from a controlled questionably calm conversation to a screaming deathmatch in less than two seconds. Bad tempers are the undoing of family ties. Stupidity and ignorance are the cause of annoyance and hatred between loved ones.

And at the source of it all were 8 little words no longer than 6 letters, "The violin is with Pop, end of story."

The source of the problem is a piece of wood? Imagine that.

Yea, that side of the family is insane. I inheritted it, obviously...

It's appealing, apprently. It takes another liar to satisfy one pre-exsisting.

Enough ranting, I'm through.

Sad, morose, depressed, forlorn.

<3 In death, LDC

(No, I'm not going to attempt suicide. It doesn't work.)

:: 2005 30 March :: 10.09pm
:: Music: Here Without You

Blah, blah, blah.
Meh, stuff happens and life goes on, I guess.

Talked to the guy who thinks I'm a traitor for leaving him to seethe in his own emotions. Talked to his friend that took someone out of my life that shouldn't have been in it in the first place. Told the lying wench to get out of my face. Alot of things were said, but life goes on.

I feel like I hurt him, or lead him on... I wanted something tangible, but I was afraid. I'm still going to prom with the other guy who only wants to be friends. Alot of male issues, yes...

Lucina Coil is a good band. Listen to them, I guarentee you'll have an orgasm. (Well, maybe not an orgasm....)

So, I'm thinking about dating the scales friend who is half ram and half fish... strange, a cusp-child. At least I know where his perversion come in. :) But fish are calm, beautiful things... that's how he is inside. How could I have been so judgemental on someone I don't even know? Ah, she was such a bitch to make me believe it all...

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:: 2005 25 March :: 5.04am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Serenity-Godsmack

WISH
It's so early... actually, late for me. I've been up all night and I felt like dusting this thing off and writing something to keep you random-journal people happy.. I was going to post the lyrics for 'Here Without You' or 'Perfect', but neither seems appropriate now.. maybe for some other time. Hm... I think I'm going to modify this poem I found not too long again.... About my father, of course.

WISH

I wish that you could just disappear
It would be like magic if you'd go away from here.
I wish you would just shut the hole in your face
I wish you'd just stop getting on my case
And leave my friends alone
One day you know you'll reap what you've sewn?
I wish I could bash your brains in with a hammer.
It'd be worth it to only go to the slammer.
I wish I had a place to call 'home'.

Yes, I wish you would just die.
And I wish you'd stop telling all your lies.
I wish I could cut our your eyes
Innocence and love is not what money buys.
You're already blind, I'm a loose cannon riding on the edge.
Maybe you're just stupid, your head emptied of knowledge.
I promise on my grave one more smack
And it'll be your balls that you lack.
My fuse with you is as long as a match.

You used to be my hero, I adored you.
But then all those feelings I had you slew!
You destroy those things precious to me
Now, I will tell you, our furture I foresee.
Dead on the floor with a knife in your chest.
Then at last I'll be free to be expressed.
A bullet through your head.
On the floor you're done, you lay dead.
Shimmer, shimmer, blood stained knife...

LDC

Majorly edited, but it's more flowing now.

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:: 2005 11 March :: 12.28am

Dear Jocelyn....

I was thinking about you earlier. About all of the things we've done together. The stress, the torment, the anguish I've given you. And all of the beauty and the feelings and the warmth you've given me. This little light in my heart will burn strong until the day you turn away, but even then the sun in my chest will not burn out.

I know I may not cross your mind often, but when I do, I hope you think of the positive. I know it's hard to find the optimistic in the pessimist loner sometimes, but you're always looking on the bright side of things, my sunshine. I just wanted to say there isn't a minute of the day where I'm not reminded of you. Your smile, the way it looks when it's from deep in your heart. And your eyes, god, the mystery they hold. Could I stare into them for countless hours and not be in the least bit uncomfortable or dissatisfied. The way you walk, the way you talk... the way you breath, with way you laugh.... the way you cry, the way you lie, the way you die! God, I love it all.

When in doubt, your voice calls to me through the darkness of dismay and I follow it to the lighter side of life. How is it in such a short time you taught me to be everything I'm not? How is it without even being here at all, you touch me so deeply? How is it I can never stop thinking about you, about us?

For once, please don't be so ruthlessly guarded, my love. I want to know how you feel. To constantly live in a state of turbulent unknowing is worse than death itself. Please, just be blunt, be rude if you have to, but I need to know your feelings. I cannot read your eyes over the wires of this world. I cannot see your face, the thoughts that pass through your mind. I cannot comprehind the tone of your voice through the keys of the keyboard. But would you be too afraid, too ashamed to say the words aloud?

Don't be afraid of change or hurt, my love. I will never try to pain you. The past is the past and the furture is now. I've no token of my love for you, other than my sincerest words and this monster that thunders within my chest. I've no absolution for this affection. No solution. Nothing. It's irrational, really. Another mystery to solve, but who would solve an equation with five variables and only one given?

This is hardly romantic or poetic, I know. I'm settling my mind after a rage-filled letter to a woman who is constantly plaguing me with her body. Please, save me, dear. I don't want to succumb to carnal desires... I must save myself but how can I do that when I can't swim? I'm drowning in this frustration with no life jacket and a body paralyzed with guilt.

Save me.

Yours always and forever,
Alexa <3