Vonderschnickel

Vonderschnickel

:: 2005 8 February :: 11.03pm

What is love
Love... what is it?

Where can I find it?

Why is it hiding from me?

Is it tangible?

Or is it like air; Invisable?

I want to touch it.

I want to feel it.

I'm like you.

I like you.

But I'm afraid.

Being hurt again isn't high on my priorities.

But I will.

I will change.

Can I change?

For love, for love.

What is love that makes me...

...want to be who I can't be?

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2005 8 January :: 12.21am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Fear-The dothack original soundtrack 1

Don't Be Alarmed...
I'm torn into a million pieces like the pages of my soul. Lying here, on the ground, staring at an empty sky that holds no meaning anymore. I want you to tell me it will be okay, but where are your outspread arms? There's nothing for me anymore. Surrounded by anger and sorrow, this blackhole of depression has got to close! It's sucking in my heart, the sanity I have left and I cling desperate to any shred of hope that is left. Maybe we can start over, erase everything, I'll show the real me if you show me the real you. But I know you're gone and no one's there anymore. Maybe they are and I'm playing the martyr again. But, you know everything I've done has always been for you. Who will I save myself for? Certainly I can't for you anymore, love. You cannot break the mortality of this fragile alabaster shell because if you did, this wouldn't be a reality. Merely... a dream. And though I could loose myself in its beauty and the passion that my mind so cleverly allows me to percieve, I would die on the outside even though my soul would soar! So, what price is that that I must pay to smile, to laugh, to be carefree once again? Only a body, only my blood, only my looks and my voice. Only the sparkle that my eyes once held. But, if it means spending eternity with you so my heart can soar into the clouds again, so be it. I will gladly cast it aside. Dependant I have become to you, addicted I am to your voice and your perverted humor. Accustomed I have grown to your anguish and pain. Desperately I long for what has left me so chilled to the bone. I never thought it would end like this, crying.. bleeding and alone.

Because I always thought the perfect death would be in your arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sorry for hurting you. I've changed, I know. But, besides all of those changes, all of those pointless arguments and aside from all of the lust and desire, I still love you the same. Maybe we fell in love with different people, that's a possibility. Don't you want to get to know this me? Are you afraid, is that why you walked out? You didn't want to be left first... I understand. I thought about it, too. God, it plagued me for nights on end, but I guess there was an error in my judgement because I didn't choose what was right. Still, sin felt so good. I'm so sorry... I wasted so much of your time, can you ever forgive me? Can you ever forgive such a filthy slob like me?

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annalebelle

:: 2004 24 December :: 2.34am
:: Music: Numb-Disturbed

3 Words.
I. Hate. Me.

Three words and nothing more.

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 16 December :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: RANT!!! >:D
:: Music: Stupify

My Oober Long Rant About How Much I Hate Chelsea.
This isn't like one of my normal entried, but I figure I'll put it in here for Mojo since she can't see livejournal. You'll see my point and LAUGH.

Okay, okay. Everyone knows there's probably only a few things in this world that I hate. Bible thumpers being one. And hypocrites being another.

I am so suck and fucking tired of being told I'm going to hell because I dress in all black. I am sick of being told I'm going to hell because I don't go to church. And I am DEFINATELY sick and fucking tired of being told that Jesus saves.

You know what? How about I cram a Bible down your fucking throat? Or, you know what? Maybe I'll flip to the page of the Bible that says something along these lines: Spread the word of Christ. Okay, NOWHERE in that sentence does it say CRAM CHRISTIANITY DOWN THE NONBELIEVERS' THROATS ::Deep breath:: Alright, you want to know WHY I am so worked up now that I've said that (probably more ranting to come so hold on to your seat)?

Well, that little fucking goodie-goodie Chelsea, AFTER telling me I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God, comes in and says she fails a math test. This is the same girl who's every fucking art project is somehow related to Christianity and whose every conversation somehow ends up going on and on about how anyone who isn't Christian is a heathen. Yes, you heard me. So, me being the onry bitch that I am, just burst out laughing. Once I got control, I saud, "Ah, that's the hardest I've laughed in years!" And you know what?! Oh, my fucking God. Listen to this and read these words VERY carefully. Her reply:

"Don't be a bitch."

Can you believe that fucking hypocritical little whore?! Trying to look all cute in her shoulder-bearing sweater. You fat fucking pig, put on some modest clothes, no one wants to see your fat stomach or hear you big fucking mouth! She had the nerve to call me a bitch after all of the ranting she does about accepting Jesus into your life and all this other shit. I swear to... something if I had a gun right then and there, I would have fired it right into her narrow skull.

No, I'm not saying I hate you if you're Christian. Hell, I don't even care if you tell me I'm going to hell. But if you firmly believe that Jesus lived and died for your sins and you follow his teachings;
1. Do NOT judge other people. There is only one person who is going to judge you and you don't have the right to judge anyone else.
2. Do NOT say curses directed towards someone, ESPECIALLY if you're going to get up in front of fourty people and tell them all of your Christian beliefs.

As I said, I'm not hating on you, just that little Chelsea bitch. I hate hypocrites.

So... That's pretty much it. Wow, I feel better. Heheh.

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 15 December :: 3.52pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Whatsername; Green Day

Apologies
Today I did something I know I'll regret tomorrow.
Seeing her face twisted into such sweet sorrow.
Maybe I'll say sorry another day and smile.
But I think I will just leave her alone a little while.

Just a little short poem I had on my mind.

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 10 December :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: ...

Let's see if this works.
Wolf
Wolf ~ Wolves are also regarded as path finders
and teachers. Wolf is represented by the
constellation Sirius, the Dog.
In the Zuni tradition the Wolf symbolizes the
direction East.
Wolf's Wisdom Includes:

Facing the end of one's cycle with dignity and
courage

Death and rebirth

Spirit teaching

Guidance in dreams and meditations

Instinct linked with intelligence

Social and familial values

Outwitting enemies

Loyalty

Steadfastness

perseverance

Taking advantage of change

Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

F:

size="2">You've come upon a Rough
Stretch. Can you make it through? You've come upon hard times. Things aren't looking so good to you and your life has seem to collapse into a downward spiral. You've lost your way and can't seem to find the right path to take. You are probably depressed and feeling lonely as you've lost sight of those who love you. You may wander through this road with a few others like you and are able to comfort them as they comfort you, but it is not enough. You've lost something, maybe someone close, and with it you lost your faith in life. You're probably confused and unsure what to do next. But the way will become clear eventually. It always does. This stretch that lies before you seems never-ending and not worth traveling. But don't let yourself fall, you may have stumbled upon this, but pick yourself up as best you can and hold on to that little bit of faith you have. The road isn't as endless as it seems. All things, good and bad must come to and end. This too shall pass and you'll be amazed at what good lay beyond it if you just find the strength within yourself to try and make it.

What Path Do You Take In Life? [X]For Guys and Gals! Pics and Lengthy Results.[X]
brought to you by Quizilla

Brave, strong willed, loyal and passionate
You are a sprite of Fire. Full of passion, bravery
and spice you are the living embodiment of
fire. You are quite arrogant and think yourself
above most but that is made up for by; your
passionate ability to pursue your dreams, your
strong will and your powerful well skilled
ability for fighting. You are a natural leader,
people are somewhat drawn to you and see you as
someone to look up to but you only pay
attention to them if they are useful, your
equal or your superior. You are a very exciting
person to be near for you have a vast love of
adventure and battle. Fire is a symbol of
Passion if and when you choose to love you are
capable of beautiful, long lasting, devoted
love. You are quite wondrous!

.::=What type of Mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

From witches who could change into cats with magic
spells, to tribes of anthropomorphic tigers
living in the jungles of Malaysia, to
bloodthirsty werecats of Japan who would prey
on humans for sustenance, tales of werecats
rival their more well-known werewolf cousins in
number.

As a werecat, you are aggressive, fiercely
independant, short-tempered and prone to
violent outbursts. You can also be very kind
though, by protecting those you care for from
those who wish to do them harm. Those who
befriend you are very lucky (as long as they
stay on your good side!)

Who is your inner Shapeshifter?
brought to you by Quizilla

F:
Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects. You appearance and your personality are two opposite things. Even your appearance sends different signals to different people. To some you may look innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious and intimidating at the same time. No one ever knows what to expect with you. You are a little bit of everything all mixed together. You can be watching the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the mall. You seem to be almost a different person every time you meet someone, but at the same time you know exactly who you are and there is always that one thing that makes you you. You enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how completely unpredictable you are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element: Fire, Water
Animal: Chameleon
Color: Dark Tones, Light Tones
Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression: Half-smile

Gemstone:Opal
Mythological Creature: Gryphon, Half-breeds
Planet: Mars
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color:Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 10 December :: 6.58pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: My December; Linkin Park-Reanimation

Look What I Found
Heh, I found this in my notebook. I need to get a new one, there's hardly any paper in this one anymore, I used it all. Because I'm fat and I hate trees. No, I'm kidding, trees should kill us. Wouldn't that be a sight to see? A tree with a hatchet. Fun.

So, here it is, slightly modified.

The air stings my eyes like a swarm of angry wasps
A thousand needles throbbing in the pupils of my eyes
Look at all the people walking passed me in the halls
So freely and so gaily frolicking
My stomach churns and writhes inside of me
How sickening it is to see them smile
But how can I think such things?
I can tell you, because they think the same things about me.
Relentlessly.
Look at the little morbid girl
Clad in all black she is, her eyes trained on the feet in front of her.
How depressing.
We all wish she would shut up and leave,
It was a better place without her to begin with.
I think I'm going to cease trying for unattainable goals
Such high expectations will only be my downfall
They're only going to let me down in the end
Lower them, that's all I can do to be truely happy.
Down and down, beneath the worms.
That's the way it always is
The way my feelings project to the so-called 'friends' I keep.
Trying to relieve my pain through a keyboard
Sigh, how depressing...

It sucked a whole lot worse than this, but raw emotion beats fancy words anyday. Rage, depression, hostility, all wrapped and tied with a ribbon of hatred.

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 6 December :: 5.09pm
:: Music: In This World(Murder)-GC

Thank you.
I feel a little happier.

Thank you.

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 25 November :: 2.31pm
:: Mood: artistic

Damn
I've been trying to put myself down so people don't see the inside of me. I try to seem depressed, morbid. Why do I do the things that I do? I say my facade is happy, but it is also that of sorrow.

Do I want people to feel sorry for me? This journey is mine and mine alone. Mine to discover why, who, what. But for some reason it seems I'm still at the starting line, my feet rooted to the ground.

It's uncanny, I thoguht I knew myself. But to my surprise, I found out that I didn't. I like people to think I'm victimized, I want the attention. I want people to notice me, not just pass me on the street and look away.

I want people to stop and I want to engage in friendly conversation. Maybe not friendly, but inane banter is better than being ignored, though I know I'm being a hypocrite by saying such things.

I want more than anything for you to hold me and whisper how important I am. How, without me, your life would come crashing down. Give me that power and maybe I'll tell you 'I love you'.

I need to be consoled all the time. I need you to tell me I'm worth it. I thought he hadn't scarred me this horribly, but maybe he did. Are all those years of neglect and abuse the reason for my constant need of victimization and attention? Is it why I dress so outrageous? To stand out so people will ask, why?

What if I would have grown up with my darling mother? Would things have been different?

I can't be deprogrammed, but I wish I could be. I hate what I've become. I hate it and... it's just like HIM. I don't want to be like that fat, egotistical asshole.

I seek out a technical genius. Where is my little thief? Jocelyn, where have you gone?

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 21 November :: 5.17pm

You say you have nothing that inspires you anymore?

Funny, me either.

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 15 November :: 10.21pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: In The End-LP

A little about me
Try to tie me down and I'll just run away.

Try to tell me what I can't do and I'll do it anyway.

Love me too constrictingly and I'll find another.

Don't love me enough and I'll leave.

Talk to me and I'll be pleased.

Ignore me and I will cry.

Touch me like that and I'll melt in your arms.

Be too rough with me and I'll return the favor.

Comfort me when I cry and I'll do the same for you unquestioningly.

Laugh at me and I will exact revenge.

Laugh with me and we'll stay friends.

Talk about me behind my back and I'll hurt you worse than you ever could hurt me.

Hurt those I love and I'll rip out your heart and put it on a metal stake.

Hurt those I hate and I shall be your ally.

Give me what I want and I'll be your slave.

Don't give me what I want and I will continue to be ignorant.

If you are smart, I will respect you.

If you are stupid, I will treat you like the idiot you are.

If you are narrow-minded, I will open your mind.

If you are open-minded, I'll be your best friend.

If you are spiritually mature, I will regard you as one of the higher people.

If you are physically mature, I will stare at your chest and/or crotch.

If you are mentally mature, I will regard you as a higher person.

Talk about relationships constantly and I will stop talking to you.

Replace me with a significant other and I will hate you for the rest of time.

Turn your back on me and I will cry.

Open your arms to me and I will seek shelter in them.

Hurt me and karma will get you back.

Tell me that I'm emo, I will hurt you.

Try to kill yourself, I will lose all respect for you.

Defile your body and I won't regard you very highly.

If you are overly religious, I will staple your lips together.

If you are anti-gay, I will shot you in the forehead.

If you are pro-war, you can kiss my ass.

If you tell me what I like is shit, I will cry, but I'll get over it.

If I like you and you don't like me back, that's fine.

If you like me but I don't like you, I'm sorry.

If the feeling is mutual, please tell me.

I'm a selfish, over protective, indecisive, sex-starved Scorpio.

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 13 November :: 1.40pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: S.O.S- Good Charlotte

My Love...
Disappointed and beyond believing you even give a damn.

Making cursory examinations of my conscience because I really don't want to see the dirty little secrets held within the spider webbing of my soul.

Somewhere wrists are crying their tears of scarlet, and the eyes are shedding their scopes of reality as walls twist and shadows bend.

No one will hear their screams as their pain consumes their sanity and no one will ever care because no one knows they exsist.

Kind of sad when you think about it...

"Should I trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or should I trust nobody and live in lonilness. Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade and then I just wind up getting hurt again by myself." (LP, By Myself)

Those are the words I scream at myself everynight before my head hits the pillow and I'm lost in pleasent nightmares of you dying, my love.

I cry but no one cares because they don't know I'm here.

Have I ever told you it's always been for you?

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 8 November :: 2.28am
:: Mood: angry

Fickle Girl
It's almost three in the morning as it always is whenever I can't sleep and update my journals. Yeaaa...
~~~

Don't know whether to shove you away
Or hold you close to my heart,
Fickle girl.
Don't know if anything you say ever rings true
Or if it's just the same old, same old.
Fickle girl.

You say you don't know where you're headed.
Where this path might lead us.
You say that you're so confused.
But I know you just like the attention.
Though modest you try to be, I can see.
Take off your mask and quit this childish masquerade.

Fickle Girl.

Always laughing and smiling when your so-called friends.
Then the next moment sobbing on my shoulder about how horrible they've been.
Fickle girl.
Always clinging to my arm when we walk down the hall
But then behind my back you say that I'm the one who's clinging.
Fickle girl.
Fickle girl.

And I don't understand why you're so bland,
But why you're so desirable.
Fickle girl.
Why all the guys lust after you so.
It's enough to blow my mind.
Fickle girl.

And you say that the world is such a cruel place.
But you know I'll never shot you down.
You say I'm such a fool to believe in such unattainable dreams.
You know I'll keep trying.
So let me rip off that outer shell
You ugly, sadistic, bitch of a fickle girl.

Fickle girl.

Change is so hard to accomplish.
I know because I've tried.
But fickle girl, can't you see?
This is how you've changed!

You ugly...
Sadistic...
Bitch...
Of a fickle girl.

Go put on your disguise, everyone's waiting.
~~~

This was inspired by someone who will remain nameless for the sake of emotions. And, yes, it is a girl.

Of course, it could be my imbalanced hormones again.

Eh.

LDC

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AnnaLeBelle

:: 2004 5 November :: 1.06am

The girl turned her head, salty gems of sorrow falling from her sapphire eyes. She was ashamed for them to see just how weak she was, afraid of what they would think. For, you see, she had always put up a complicated from so that no one could see her true self.

But a thief with a key aimed to see what was in the padlock. So, cleverly, the thief took her universal key and turned it ever so carefully. She didn't want to damage what lied within for she did not know what it could be.

Just as the lock clicked, she was chased away by demons of bitter lonliness. The girls heart saught a companion but was not ready to let anyone claim the riches in her heart so swiftly.

The thief tried subconciously time and time again to unlike the door but everytime she got close, the steel doors would smash shut and she would wait for another day.

The shameful girl fell to her knees, burying her head in her hands, wallowing in a puddle of her own anxiety. And the thief could do nothing more than watch. She did not know what to do to help...

So many monthes came to pass and the fragile girl's condition only worsened. Life was horrible. She would come to school with bruises and slashed wrists. No one ever saw but the thief because the thief, though she was but a thief, was the only one that the girl trusted even if it wasn't entirely. Her heart had been shattered by another, this woman crafty and wicked. The witch had turned almost everyone against the innocent and she had no where to go.

With worsening condition she decided it would be then that she would meet her demise because she couldn't face this torture, this anguish any longer.

Holding the knife at her wrist, she looked up into the darkened ceiling, the razor dropping with a clatter.

The thief had done what thieves do best, stolen her heart. And in return, replaced the wounded child with her own.

At long last the year was over and it was the last day they would see each other ever again. For a time they just gazed silently at one another, holding hands tightly. They didn't care who saw, no, they didn't.

The final hour approached. She cried and cried, the thief only held her, stroking her long red hair, assuring her that everything would be alright. In due time they would meet again.

And still more people stared.

But the thief was right. They would meet again.

And having the thieves heart made the pain so much easier to bear.

The thief was never a thief at all, just a blessing in disguise.

~Dedicated to Jocelyn~

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