spud
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2008 29 October :: 1.26am
:: Mood: contemplative
recollections
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i feel like i've lost a lot of my pizzazz. (or maybe you spell it pissass. depending on how many laxatives i took that day.) you know? i feel like i used to have more vitality, more everything. not that i was a driven, self-motivated type of person. not that i was spastic or rambunctious. i just feel like i had an undercurrent of motion that just isn't there anymore.
nowadays i let the simplest things prevent me from getting anything done, and i really don't feel the need to try and innovate, or make new things happen. i'm content to attempt, and fail, to merely recreate those which have come before. nothing outstanding. nothing superb. i just settle for okay.
but that really doesn't seem right. i don't want just an okay life. i don't want just okay friends. okay coworkers. okay family. that's not how it works for me. i feel like everything about my life up to this point has been outrageous. and now it's just mellowing out. i guess it's my job to keep it outrageous. but i have a lot of fucking jobs right now, which i guess is what's bogging me down. so, adding the job of unbogging myself to the pile doesn't really work. it'll just exacerbate the problem.
so, i just need to get a few things out of the way, one at a time, so that i have a bit more freedom to have some of that guilt-free, sporadic, funtime. where my energy is put to its most effectively pragmatic use. because clearly i don't get shit done when it comes to actual work. but give me something fun to do, and i'll forget to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, i'm so diligent.
and faking myself out to think that the "work" stuff is actually "fun" stuff doesn't cut it. believe me, i've tried. although, i have discovered that some of the "fun" stuff is actually "work". but since it falls under "fun" in my classifications, i can still do that, at least.
i guess we'll make it happen eventually. and until then, i'll just have to tough it out. but i want to be fun and exciting again. none of this boring, grumpy, old man nonsense. that suits me at times. but i don't think this should be one of those times.
i'll get there, and i'll enjoy it. but i'm not there yet. and there's no sense in rushing it.
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.46am
Bzoink Friend Tests I got 1000000%on jessa's Test!
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.32am
:: Mood: sleepy
I mean, crap, man.
... that's, like, his stomach plug on the ground, there. That's not even physically possible, if you think about it....
::
so yeah. i really need to clean out my email inbox. it's seriously bad.
i also need to stop failing at doing my homework. i turned in a paper today that was almost a week late, and when i was called on for discussion in another class, i just told her that i couldn't answer the question, because i didn't do the reading. not that half the class did. but the fact that i had to put it out there in words was awkward.
and it's not going to let up. theoretically i'll be starting work soon, which will only cause things to get worse. then again, maybe it will keep me busy to where i'm more productive and more motivated. hopefully that's the case.
either way, something has to change, because i can't keep going on like i am. i have serious issues with getting to bed, getting up, getting my work done, and getting places on time. especially lately. and it's very uncool.
that aside, the front moved through. that's nice. much cooler tonight. makes me happy. i'm excited for fall.
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spud
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2008 26 September :: 1.48am
:: Mood: tired?
:: Music: mr. deeds soundtrack
^^^no idea why^^^
so yeah. i had class all night. also turned in my app at papa john's. and i locked my keys in the car. dad came and bailed me out, though.
we did an audio interview with a guy in tampa tonight. how many thousand miles away? with 20 to 15000 Hz bandwidth, talkback, and almost no delay. phenomenal.
then i got back and chuck and i watched mystery science theater 3000 - "Hamlet" (the "from the 1960s, german, and dubbed in english" version).
that at least made it a little more worthwhile.
only had one cigarette today. thought that was pretty good.
time for bed, man.
goodnight.
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spud
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2008 24 September :: 11.56am
this semester is strange.
i don't know where i was going with that.
i just know that it's noon and i need to get up off my duff and start doing things. otherwise i'll be late and unprepared for my meetings today.
... that sounds so big-person-ish.
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spud
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2008 21 September :: 12.45am
i went jogging today. kind of.
went about 2.5 miles. walked most of it. i'm horribly out of shape.
and i had a bunch of food before i left.
even still, i know i'll appreciate doing it. i'll be sore tomorrow, but it's the good kind.
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justadreamer
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2008 19 September :: 1.24am
:: Mood: sick
Currently sick. Still working for at&t.
Hurricane Ike was rather bothersome; power was out for a few days. Got eaten alive by mosquitoes. Not cool. I think the bites are starting to fade now.
Being sick makes me think too much. Also, it makes me inclined to be far too impulsive. After all, life is too short when you're looking at it from the viewpoint of someone not feeling well. It makes me want to just save up as much money possible and find a way to start that long-term era of being with that boy.
It makes me feel like there's absolutely no reason to be so cautious with life -- like I shouldn't bother with doing things "the right way" (by others' standards) or anything like that. Like I should be doing what I want, what I feel is right.
Now... that's a very dangerous mindset. I'm sure it'll fade a wee bit once I'm healthy again, but it's always there, honestly. When not sick, it's easier to think more.. clearly, I guess you'd say. Rationally. Responsibly. Like I should be thinking. :P
Anyhow. Just a short public update.
Off to possibly snack then rest/sleep.
-Ash
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spud
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2008 11 September :: 2.40am
busy
so, apparently in addition to being "technical director" for the radio station, i am now also the vice president of the scientists of sound.
when it rains, it pours.
i'm not even sure i want to add these to my resume. but at least it sounds impressive. far more impressive than the harry potter club.
i just hope i'm better prepared tomorrow (and more punctual) than i was on tuesday. just sayin'.
sleepy time pretty quick here, though. that should help.
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spud
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2008 5 September :: 1.16am
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: the alan parsons project - tales of mystery and imagination
i think it's pretty sad that three-beer chris feels more "normal" than no-beer chris.
i guess the solution is to not have beer for awhile. but still. i haven't been functioning up to par without it. and, frankly, i haven't been getting drunk all the time, or passing out. just one or two after dinner or whatever. and it isn't until that point that i feel awake and alert and - well - normal.
i don't know what to make of it. but, either way, i figure it's bad.
P.S.
this made me smile, though:
"hey chris!
we were talking about how great you've been at the station during the meeting today. and we would really love to re-write another executive board position into the constitution. the new position would be the position of technical director. details are still a little vague, but basically the person in this position would be the go-to guy for all questions/problems with the equipment and website. we all feel that you would do wonderfully in this position and we would love for you to accept.
is this something that you are interested in?
thanks so much!
jill"
and i thought they hated me... : )
i sent her my more reserved-sounding equivalent of "fuck yeah!" as soon as i got it. although, now that i think about it, fuck yeah might have been the way to go. oh well, either way, it's cool, and i'm happy.
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spud
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2008 4 September :: 12.56am
:: Music: dashboard confessional - swiss army romance
COM 295 ::
:: i haven't even read the excerpt yet, and i already know more than half of them are morons ::
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--Saturday, August 30, 2008 3:55:58 PM EDT
I believe the Greek Mythos differs dramatically from our American Mythos. For instance, while the Mythos of the ancient Greeks stressed the importance of achieving "arete" or excellence in all areas of life, the Mythos of Americans only seems to stress the importance of excellence in a specific field of study, so as to gain employment in the that field, make money, and live a good life.
--Tuesday, September 2, 2008 10:45:11 AM EDT
I agree with your statements and think that you make good and valid points. You also get to the points quickly. Today's simplicity is not what it was defined as before.
--Tuesday, September 2, 2008 9:19:46 PM EDT
America is a system created by the christian religion of living under one god. We put most of our values in knowledge instead of physical strength like ancient Greeks. To be able to move up in out society you must go to college to become sombody. Everything is set in a certain system. We were all raised with these certain standards that need to be met. While knowledge is important I beleive that there is more to life than knowledge such as phyical well-being. In America people seem to think that money can create happiness. While money may help, money is nothing you don't have love and no one knows love till they experience it themselfs. If isn't something to be learned from a book.
--Wednesday, September 3, 2008 12:21:15 AM EDT
I agree with what everyone has said above me...
American and Greek, both, have a very different view on excellence. During the Greek Era, excellence was more than a detail in someones life. To them it could define a life, like Odysseus and his adventures. Whereas, Americans today view excellence to be a good grade, a prefect outfit, the taste from a meal, etc. Today excellence is many small details in a life and to the Greeks excellence was what made their life whole. To them and that era, it was the bigger picture in life, not the details about the past night.
When you look at life today verses then, life seems ordinary at times. But the Greeks would not allow for ordinary life, they tried for better...they tried for the overall excellence.
--Wednesday, September 3, 2008 2:41:30 PM EDT
I hold the same ideas as much of the rest of the class.
The Common American Mythos is the system of success. Simply put, from the time we were little in most cases were taught the extreme value of education and how important it is to have one. Parents' shuttle is off to school every day in hopes of preparing us for college and one day in the near future a job so we can provide a good life for ourselves and our family (the American dream). Yet this differs from the Greeks mythos which valued education as well, but stressed the importance of learning life lessons exemplified in such stories like Narcissus and Echo, and Zeus and so on. The Greeks understood that it was not possible for one to learn everything they needed to know from a book, life was a good teacher as well.
--Wednesday, September 3, 2008 3:26:41 PM EDT
A lot has been said on the common American mythos, which I do believe seems very structured and manufactored ie. going to college to get a good job. However for me atleast there is more to it. I dont want to just succeed I want to look back and see that I have made a contribution to society. This belief and others I find exist outside of the American mythos, however just because they arent used in this society to define success doesnt mean they have no merit.
--Wednesday, September 3, 2008 6:44:40 PM EDT
I think our common American mythos often relates wealth and power like many others have said. Many put their priorities first and foremost in money. All though some would like to say faith and family is first, it seems as though money and power often overrides the previous two. It is not only about higher education, although this is important. As a nation, I don't think someone that takes over a family business with no college degree is looked down on, furthermore, a wealthy business owner is most likely put on a pedestal than say a teacher or writer with a masters degree. Money seems to be the American mythos. I would say that my personal mythos rank in order of faith first, and then family. However, as an American, I have this idea of wealth, and power and success that is a hard barrier to come up against.
--Wednesday, September 3, 2008 11:07:03 PM EDT
I very much agree with everyone that posted. Especially on how our American mythos seems to be parallel with wealth and power. Along with that the education of ourselves and our children. It seems that these days the only way to get wealth and power, we need to be be educated or at least have a piece of paper that says we are educated. It is hard to say that I believe this should be true, but as of now I know it is true in our society today. I also think faith and family deserve to be number one, but if we let that happen, it seems we would fall behind our "real" American mythos.
--Wednesday, September 3, 2008 11:33:18 PM EDT
I had a hard time thinking about what could be a common set of beliefs among all Americans. I'm not sure there is one, because we all seem to be so different and diverse, but that in itself may be the American mythos. I think that as Americans we hold strength and individualism with high regard. Take, for example, the "American Dream". The "American Dream" is to make something of yourself and be powerful and strong, persevering despite obstacles, to set yourself apart. So then I would say that the American arete, or excellence, is to make something of yourself, starting from the ground up, and using you're own strength and talents to become powerful. Even though Americans come from various backgrounds, cultures, religions, etc, I think the American Dream is a value we commonly hold.
Personally, my mythos is a little different. Although I do want to become something and possess some type of power or wealth and get a good job, something much stronger than all of that and stronger than me has set my values and beliefs in place. Power and wealth are only my goals as an American, or as a college student. My goal as a person is simply to love. To love God, to love others, and lastly to love myself. That is the greatest and most excellent thing I could do in life, and when I'm gone, I don't want people to remember me as a rich sucessful woman, but rather a loving, faithful one.
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." I Peter 4:8
--Thursday, September 4, 2008 12:12:27 AM EDT
Well.... In my opinion, our common american mythos is not far off of the Greeks lasting idea of "excellence". We are all pushed towards "excellence" from day one, and if we should find ourselves falling short, there usually is someone right there to let you know. Our own ideas of excellence may be different than the others, but there is definitely a standard that we inherently know ( common sense) or figure out along the way. Our mythos is spelled out for us from society, the rest comes from family, values, beliefs, self..ect. I believe that the American mythos is the same for all on some level. We all want to recieve/give love, have a partner in life, have family and friends to rely on and share good times with, money to be abundant enough to pay the bills and maybe some extra for frivolous items that make us happy for the moment, and to be successfull enough to make ourselves and/or whomever it is in our lives that is pushing us proud. That is how I feel in a nut shell about my own mythos as well. I just want to live up to the b.s. norms of society so at some point I can feel " free" and be independent. It all falls back on making money in the grand scheme of things... there isn't alot that you can do without it, but there are some things in life... some parts of the American "Mythos" that doesn't require money like love and family ... so were not completely screwed yet...
============
eesh.
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spud
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2008 2 September :: 12.37am
:: Music: blues traveler - four
62 wpm?
999999 words Speedtest
i won't disclose my first time. it was embarrassing.
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spud
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2008 27 August :: 1.14pm
i seriously think this game is rigged.
does anyone else think it's weird that the favored presidential ticket is "Obama - Biden" when just a few years ago the stereotypical bad guy was "Osama bin Laden".
i just think it's bizarre. and not that i ever cared about osama, or obama, really. because for the most part, i resent politics. but that just struck me on a linguistic level, and i had to acknowledge it.
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spud
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2008 21 August :: 12.54am
i'm too high school for my shirt :: so high school it hurts.
Pink Floyd - Dogs
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spud
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2008 21 August :: 12.44am
:: Music: Pink Floyd - Dogs
school starts yet again, very very soon.
you'd think i'd be excited. that's usually how it goes this time of year. a little mellow and pensive, but excited nonetheless.
however, this year i just feel kind of depressed. like it's basically over already, and i'm just going through the motions. jumping through hoops until the hoops are gone. i guess i'm just depressed because i know that i won't know what to do when that happens. i've been jumping (whether poorly or not is of little consequence) for so long, that it's all i know how to do. or at least, it's the only thing i've managed to convince myself i'm comfortable doing, despite the fact that i still to this day do not know how to do it.
i think i'll feel better once the days start getting shorter and cooler, and the leaves start to change, and i get to enjoy the smells of warm donuts and fresh apple cider and pumpkins and hay. i always love that time. and every august i forget that it's not for another two months or so.
but a boy can dream, i suppose.
and in the meantime, he should get a fucking job. how many times have i said that on here? and how many more times will i repeat myself until it actually happens?
more than i'd care to admit.
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spud
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2008 15 August :: 12.27am
i could never be a writer.
i'm way too shitty at managing my time.
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